Drinking (alcohol) etiquette question.

[The Mystery Machine]

Yes, that is the way to go.

Respect needs to go both ways. Otherwise it is bullying which is a whole other ballgame.

 

[npmommie]

There is no reason that they don't drink, they just think it is "bad." I agree with the poster that mentioned the drunk driving incident, we would certainly respect a situation like that. As I said, we do not drink so much that we are too drunk to function, just maybe a beer or a drink or 2. One of our neighbors does not drink and he offered to drive anyone home that has too much, although I am sure this will not be needed. We do want them to feel welcome here. They are going to be here for dinner before everyone else arrives and we won't be serving alcohol then.
Thanks everyone for your honest replies!

are they very religious? there must be a reason they feel alcohol is bad.
my niece is having an alcohol free wedding, her future in laws sound like these people, they do not drink and don't think anyone else should either.
so i am assuming the groom to be feels the same, all events surrounding this upcoming wedding are alcohol free.
which is funny to me, because my dh's side of the family ( its his brothers dtr getting married ) is Irish and there is no event without alcohol in his family, its unheard of

 

[declansdad]

I have a different opinion. I agree with the others that you are well within your rights to serve alcohol at your party in your house. However, since you know they don't approve of alcohol it doesn't seem particularly welcoming to me to do so. Since this party and the wedding are specifically about two families coming together I would honor them above the other guests.

If you were having a holiday party and just happen to be inviting them as two of the many guests, I would say serve the alcohol. However, for this party I would try to make them feel as welcome and comfortable as possible for your future SIL's sake.

Respect is a two-way street. The Bride's family should show the same respect when visiting the groom's family as the groom's family did when visiting them.

 

[JerseyJanice]

Congratulations to your DD! Best wishes for her wedding.

It sounds like you know what you're doing. Alcohol is a legal substance for adults and it's your home. If you normally serve drinks when you entertain, there is no reason you shouldn't because someone you've invited doesn't drink.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Since the party is about your DD and her DH I would ask them what they think the best approach would be. After all, your soon to be SIL has listened to his parents talking about people and circumstances for ages so he will know exactly how they are going to react regardless of what they tell you.

My gut says be respectful of their feelings. Personally I do not stand behind the whole "My house my rules" sentiment and tend to think it is un-necessarily forceful. The comfort of a guest in my home takes precedence over my own. Along those lines I suppose I would provide alcohol if I had guests who would expect it but I would not drink myself, nor would my DH.

As an aside, my DH has a friend since childhood whose father was a terrible alcoholic. This guy has never had a sip of alcohol his entire life because he does not want to tempt family history. You never know why people do what they do.

 

[KristaTX]

Are you sure they are really judgmental and truly think it's wrong for anyone else to legally drink? I just wonder if that's your expectation of them because of what you know or don't know about them, or if you absolutely 100% know that they really truly judge all drinking to the point of making an issue of it.

I know there are some people totally against drinking alcohol because of their religious beliefs or possibly other reasons. But if they are really loving people (whatever the religion or issues), they won't mind if those of legal age drink as long as people aren't getting wasted or driving.

Either way, I'd serve it in a tasteful manner out of respect for them and for the young 20-year old couple. Some bottles of wine or beer, with some festive glasses or mugs. Maybe some champagne for celebration. But I might not make drinking a primary focus of the meal/event by making a bunch of different mixed drinks or making it inviting for people to over-indulge.

Maybe you'll be pleasantly surprised and find that it's not truly a black/white issue for them. I hope that's the case.

 

[shortbun]

What controlling people They think alcohol is "bad" and don't think anyone else should imbibe because of their beliefs

Good luck to your daughter

Lots of people expect others to do as they do-on issues from spanking to burying the dead. It's more normal than unusual. In this case, because they are the parents of your future SIL, I would make the drinking more low key than normal and I'd be sure they knew in advance that there would be alcohol as a selection in the drinks menu. Keep the beer or wine in the kitchen frig and let people serve themselves after your first overture, ya know? As a gracious host, these people are basically your guests of honor.
Honor them. Also, the engaged couple is not old enough to drink so it's natural that you would play it cool with the alcohol.

 

[Carly_Roach]

DF's parents have chosen to feel a particular way about a substance. Which is fine: their choice exists for them. Where they get out of line with it is when they try to enforce their choice onto other people.

I was reading upthread about trying to find out why someone doesn't approve of alcohol. Someone mentioned that if a family member were killed by a drunk driver, it would be graceful of the hose to not have alcohol at a celebration out of respect for that one person. My first thought was, "Well what about the respect for the rest of the 50 guests who don't have that experience in their background? We're going to alter a party based on one person's choice out of respect?"

No no no. A graceful host tries to find a happy medium that will satisfy the majority of the party guests. If the DF's parents are so down on drinking that they absolutely refuse to set foot into a house or establishment that serves alcohol, then that is their choice....not yours. You observed their choice when visiting them, they should observe your choice when visiting you.

Guests have responsibilities, too. One of those responsibilities is to be a gracious guest and realize that someone is going out of their way to host and entertain them. That host isn't responsible for making sure that all of the guest's whims and desires are catered to.

I wish you the best of luck at your party tonight! Congratulations on your child's engagement!

 

[disykat]

Respect is a two-way street. The Bride's family should show the same respect when visiting the groom's family as the groom's family did when visiting them.

I have not seen anyone demanding anything. I'm not understanding the attitutes almost villifying this couple because they don't drink - as if they're doing something wrong.

Neither couple is doing anything wrong, they just have different beliefs about alcohol.

While I obviously feel differently than most here, to me, not serving alcohol at a party where a guest you are trying to welcome likes to drink is not the same as serving alcohol at a party where you are trying to welcome a guest who doesn't approve of drinking. I assume the absence of alcohol wouldn't be a big deal, while the presence of alcohol might be upsetting.

As I said before, the host is well within their rights to serve whatever they want. If protecting those rights is what is most important in this situation then that is what she should do.

 

[disykat]

Guests have responsibilities, too. One of those responsibilities is to be a gracious guest and realize that someone is going out of their way to host and entertain them. That host isn't responsible for making sure that all of the guest's whims and desires are catered to.

I agree with this. I mistakenly thought that these particular guests were sort of "guests of honor."

 

[NHdisneylover]

I think it would be fine to serve alcohol. Obviously you would want to include non alcoholic drinks also (as you would no matter who was comming). I see it as no different than if you had a buffet with meat items (along with vegetarian items) and new a vegetarian couple was comming. You accomidate the guests who do not drink, or do not eat meat by providing non alcoholic and meatless dishes NOT by excluding the items some guests don't eat.

On the other hand, I do not know what the couple in question may haev said or doen to indicate they disaprove of anyone drinking alcohol, but they may well have done so. However, simply not serving it yourself at your own home does not strike me as controlling. Likewise, I would not expect to be served meat by a vegetarian (though some will serve it to guests). To me the difference is that you can not serve alcohol and everyone is stil included (because everyone does drink non alcoholic drinks at some point) or not serve meat and everyone can still eat.

So, as long as you have options which allow everyoen to participate you are fine.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I think it would be fine to serve alcohol, but you might alienate them a bit. How does the groom feel about alcohol?

 

[Took]

Serve the alcohol. I grew up in a home and in a faith that thought all drinking was "sinful." I now find that view intolerant, and I do drink though not very often. Even my parents and relatives who don't drink would not be offended at being at a party where others enjoyed alcohol, nor would they try to change anyone's practices. An adult party with alcohol (especially in Wisconsin, where it is very, very normal to provide), seems a perfectly appropriate celebration. Those easily offended (which the new inlaws may or may not be) can stay home or leave if they feel they must.

I imagine this will all come off without a hitch. The new inlaws are bound to know by now that others behave differently from them, even if they don't like it. You never know, the new setting and situation may be a growth experience for them and for you and your guests.

took

 

[Kim1964]

I don't drink alcohol because I don't like how I feel the next day. I have no problem attending events where alcohol is served and it would never occur to me to be offended by it.

I've seen a couple of references to "especially in Wisconsin" in this thread? I'm curious about this...what's up with Wisconsin as opposed to other states?

 

[Freyja]

My inlaws don´t drink, so neither do I when I´m at THEIR house. However, at MY house, my rules. If it´s just them and us, I don´t drink. If we´re having a party, dinner, etc. where I normally would serve alcohol I do just that, and it´s up to them what they want to do about it.

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

I don't drink. Ever. All of my friends do and it would never cross my mind to expect them not to, either.

Serve the alcohol.

 

[lillygator]

the more the better! It's your house, if they don't drink, then they won't. When you go to their house I would expect them not to serve but when they go elsewhere they should not expect everyone to conform to their rules...

 

[declansdad]

I have not seen anyone demanding anything. I'm not understanding the attitutes almost villifying this couple because they don't drink - as if they're doing something wrong.

Neither couple is doing anything wrong, they just have different beliefs about alcohol.

While I obviously feel differently than most here, to me, not serving alcohol at a party where a guest you are trying to welcome likes to drink is not the same as serving alcohol at a party where you are trying to welcome a guest who doesn't approve of drinking. I assume the absence of alcohol wouldn't be a big deal, while the presence of alcohol might be upsetting.

As I said before, the host is well within their rights to serve whatever they want. If protecting those rights is what is most important in this situation then that is what she should do.

I haven't villified the non-drinking couple; I simply stated they should say the same respect that was paid to them. I don't believe the OP is planning a falling down drunken keg party. The new in-laws should not expect that their beliefs supercede everyone else's.

 

[AshleyW]

I've seen a couple of references to "especially in Wisconsin" in this thread? I'm curious about this...what's up with Wisconsin as opposed to other states?

I have some family in Wisconsin, and let me just say, they loooove to drink.. A lot of Wisconsin's heritage is German, so there's a lot of beer history and culture there.

ETA: I just found this article on drinking in Wisconsin, if anyone's really curious. It's a little old (2005), but still a neat read.
http://www.legis.state.wi.us/assemb...es/2005/Post-Crescent - State of drinking.htm

 

[marciemi]

Unfortunately (in my opinion) drinking is WAY too approved in Wisconsin. Even for underaged kids. My son plays soccer and at away tournaments they normally have coolers of beer - for the kids - who are in the 16/17 year old age range. Not surprisingly, during this current HS season, at various times they've had 3 kids out for several games each because they got arrested/caught by the police with it. My son doesn't drink and is made fun of constantly - even by the coaches.