Drama between kids

[KatelynnsAuntie]

So DD8 has been having some problems with another girl, let's call her Susie, at school. The girls are in the same brownie troop and share some of the same friends. I have been friendy with Susie's mom.

The problems between DD and Susie seem to have been escalating over the past month or so and they are both starting to pull other girls into it. I have been staying out of it other than to listen to dd and give advice. Last week though Susie told DD she was having a b'day party and DD wasn't invited. I was irritated because, why say anything at all? I emailed Susie's mom and expressed concern over the girls' issues, and told her what Susie said to dd.

She replied with a lot of "Susie said your dd did this and said that and she doesn't like that way dd is treating her." So, feeling forced to defend dd, I responded with what dd said Susie has been doing. The emails on her part started getting a little ugly (I know that everyone has the mother bear instinct so I tried to let it go) so I suggested, since the girls are only 8 and don't have all the problem solving skills they probably need, that the 4 of us get together and let the girls talk it out. She refused and said the girls need to work it out and we can't get involved every time there is a disagreement. Oh and that the other girls involved have opinions too so it doesn't make sense for us to meet. While I agree with we can't solve all their problems, we have never gotten involved and this disagreement seems to be getting worse rather than better. Why not talk it out? Plus I really don't care what the other girls think - this problem is between Susie and dd.

I am getting tired of this mom defending her Snowflake (her dd has a very strong personality and dd doesn't so I do think Susie starts a lot of it) plus I am tired of dd being so upset. Susie's mom is very defensive of her and, among other things, insists Susie didn't say anything to dd about the b'day party. Um, well, dd found out about it and says Susie told her. I don't think dd is going to lie about who told her about the b'day party.

I am started to get really irritated about the things Susie's mom is saying about dd. (Not that I think dd is perfect, but dd is not a mean girl and some of the things Susie is saying DD is saying DD denies and I believe her. Whereas Susie does have a mean streak I guess her mom is in denial about.)

Long story short, is the request that we get together and talk it out unreasonable? I don't want to solve all of dd's problems but she is only 8 and I really want to nip this in the bud before things start getting really ugly between the girls and between the mom and I. I also think they are pretty young to try and solve everything themselves. I'm just trying to help where I can and thought this might help.

 

[happygirl]

I think moms should stay out of it, I think this is pretty normal thing for 8 years old.

 

[mom2grace]

Our school social worker would help address this, with the girls only (no moms). She is a 'neutral' party to the conflict.

 

[jrmasm]

I think moms should stay out of it, I think this is pretty normal thing for 8 years old.

I agree. And unless their conflic is disrupting class, the school shouldn't be involved either.

 

[Sgt Mickey]

DD went through the same thing with her BFF she was about 9 at the time. I am the let the kids work it out...talk it out sort of thing. BUT the other mom wasn't. She told her dd to tell mine a bunch of stuff of not wanting to be her friend and etc. My dd came home heartbroken. She was soo sad she told me her heart was broken. I was soo sad for her. Then the other mom would call me because then at school they had the same friends so if they played with my dd her dd would be upset. They moved school districts but they were still in the same girl scout troop so it was rough for a while. Finally after a year they finally were friends again. NOT BFF's but good enough to not have tension. This taught my dd a few life lessons and at the time it really really sucked at how sad she was but she pulled though knowing that sometimes people are not nice and how even if she didn't want to be someones friend that you don't have to be mean.

 

[Aneille]

I don't want to make you feel terrible but I think the mistake you made was calling the parent. I think it would have been better for you to stay out of it. It does sound pretty typical for the age.

When this happened to my oldest, I told her she didn't need to be friends with kids that treated her badly. That she is a smart, confident and well liked girl and to seek out some of the other kids in her class and at recess that she knows that are treating her better. I also reminded her not to get caught up and to remember to try not to start the mean girl talk but she absolutely had my support in standing up for herself if anyone ever tried to to push her, shove her etc.

I think at this point I would drop trying to deal with the other parent. Its not going to work out the way in which you had hoped (it wasn't a bad idea if the other parent was for it) and go back to focusing on your on child. And try to steer her away from the girl.

If it escalates then speak to someone at the school so the mediation is through a neutral party. This would be a last resort for me.

 

[Magpie]

At that age, I always told my daughter that your actions speak the truth MUCH louder than your words. And your actions are your best defense against mean people.

I never tried to figure out who was in the right and who was in the wrong when my daughter got into conflicts with people. There's always two sides to every story. Instead, I coached my daughter on taking the high road.

"When someone says something mean, simply roll your eyes, and walk away." (Other options include "amused chuckle", "tolerant smile" and "shake your head and sigh". We practiced! )

"Go to a teacher or adult, if they persist in following you and saying mean things. Stay calm. Don't let them see weakness."

"Never take the bait. You're a little girl, not a big-mouth bass."

"If someone's trying to assassinate your character, make sure your actions are always above reproach."

"Ignore the obnoxious girls and work on your friendships with the others."

"Watch people. Look for an opportunity to be helpful, even if it's just offering a sharp pencil right after another girl's pencil lead breaks."

"Make eye contact. Smile."

"NEVER say anything mean about another person."

"You can't change other people. You can only change yourself."

Kids aren't stupid. They know who the nice kids are. And people who are absolutely secure in themselves are very attractive to their peers. If you can teach your daughter how to handle these situations now, she'll be better equipped to handle them on her own when she's older and you can't be there.

Good luck!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

So DD8 has been having some problems with another girl, let's call her Susie, at school. The girls are in the same brownie troop and share some of the same friends. I have been friendy with Susie's mom.

The problems between DD and Susie seem to have been escalating over the past month or so and they are both starting to pull other girls into it. I have been staying out of it other than to listen to dd and give advice. Last week though Susie told DD she was having a b'day party and DD wasn't invited. I was irritated because, why say anything at all? I emailed Susie's mom and expressed concern over the girls' issues, and told her what Susie said to dd.

She replied with a lot of "Susie said your dd did this and said that and she doesn't like that way dd is treating her." So, feeling forced to defend dd, I responded with what dd said Susie has been doing. The emails on her part started getting a little ugly (I know that everyone has the mother bear instinct so I tried to let it go) so I suggested, since the girls are only 8 and don't have all the problem solving skills they probably need, that the 4 of us get together and let the girls talk it out. She refused and said the girls need to work it out and we can't get involved every time there is a disagreement. Oh and that the other girls involved have opinions too so it doesn't make sense for us to meet. While I agree with we can't solve all their problems, we have never gotten involved and this disagreement seems to be getting worse rather than better. Why not talk it out? Plus I really don't care what the other girls think - this problem is between Susie and dd.

I am getting tired of this mom defending her Snowflake (her dd has a very strong personality and dd doesn't so I do think Susie starts a lot of it) plus I am tired of dd being so upset. Susie's mom is very defensive of her and, among other things, insists Susie didn't say anything to dd about the b'day party. Um, well, dd found out about it and says Susie told her. I don't think dd is going to lie about who told her about the b'day party.

I am started to get really irritated about the things Susie's mom is saying about dd. (Not that I think dd is perfect, but dd is not a mean girl and some of the things Susie is saying DD is saying DD denies and I believe her. Whereas Susie does have a mean streak I guess her mom is in denial about.)

Long story short, is the request that we get together and talk it out unreasonable? I don't want to solve all of dd's problems but she is only 8 and I really want to nip this in the bud before things start getting really ugly between the girls and between the mom and I. I also think they are pretty young to try and solve everything themselves. I'm just trying to help where I can and thought this might help.

I can't believe you called the other parent over this. Yes, you are unreasonable.

So Susie is a snot. Teach your dd how to handle snotty comments.

When a bratty kid says something snotty, you give your dd a hug and then move on with life.

It sucks, but that is life. Your dd needs to learn how to handle situations like this without you getting involved. You can talk things out with her but she does need to solve things on her own.

 

[mjkacmom]

This is the age when it all starts - back off, mom. This is between the girls, and having the moms involved will only make it worse. You can give some tips to your dd on how to handle things, and give her many big hugs. I know you think the mom is being "mamma bear," but you are also there (and it's normal). Just remember - as much as this hurts your dd, you are hurting even more. As a mom of 5, I've been torn apart over these things with my kids more than when I exerienced it myself as a child.

 

[PollyannaMom]

...Last week though Susie told DD she was having a b'day party and DD wasn't invited. I was irritated because, why say anything at all?...

I agree with you there. It's just plain rude! Of course she can't invite everyone she knows, but she simply shouldn't mention it to the ones not on the list.

...Why not talk it out?...

I'm not sure I'm with you on this part. I think that maybe we put too much pressure on kids for everybody to "be friends" with everybody else - civil, yes, we should expect that, but good friends...maybe isn't necessary. If the girls just aren't a match, why make them play together?

 

[Allison]

I am getting tired of this mom defending her Snowflake (her dd has a very strong personality and dd doesn't so I do think Susie starts a lot of it) plus I am tired of dd being so upset. Susie's mom is very defensive of her and, among other things, insists Susie didn't say anything to dd about the b'day party. Um, well, dd found out about it and says Susie told her. I don't think dd is going to lie about who told her about the b'day party.

I am started to get really irritated about the things Susie's mom is saying about dd. (Not that I think dd is perfect, but dd is not a mean girl and some of the things Susie is saying DD is saying DD denies and I believe her. Whereas Susie does have a mean streak I guess her mom is in denial about.)

You know the other mom could be on another board saying the same thing about you and your daughter. Maybe she is tired of you defending your "snowflake" and is irritated about the things you are saying about her dd.

Seems like you are doing the same thing you are complaining about.

Let the girls handle it.

 

[scrapquitler]

Long story short, is the request that we get together and talk it out unreasonable? I don't want to solve all of dd's problems but she is only 8 and I really want to nip this in the bud before things start getting really ugly between the girls and between the mom and I. I also think they are pretty young to try and solve everything themselves. I'm just trying to help where I can and thought this might help.

I think that when it comes to these sorts of things, it's almost always better to stay out of it as much as possible.

It sounds to me like Susie made an offhand comment about not inviting DD to the party. Because you got involved, it escalated. If on the other hand you said something to your DD like "well, not everyone can be invited to every party every time" it might have just ended there.

I have a friend who gets in the middle of all her DD's (now 13) drama with her 'friends' (my dd and her her Dd are friends and participate in an extracurricular activity together, and have with the same group of girls for 11/12 years). My friends DD always seems to be in the midst of some drama and her Mom is always all bent out of shape about it. From early on, I taught my DD to brush off all the )@#% and not pay too much attention to it. I always said things to her like "Not everyone can always be invited to every party" and "You don't have to be best friends with them all when they act like that, but you need to be polite", and my DD really just has the self confidence to stay out of the drama.

I wouldn't be pushing for 'getting together and talking about it' because it will just further escalate and draw other people in.

 

[diznygirl]

The kids get to choose their own friends. Just tell her to stay away from anyone that bothers her. Yes, it is possible. Don't get involved. (Too late!) You have now made it your drama.

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

Just wait until middle school. This is just the beginning of the mean girls now.

If problems persist at school then contact the teacher and guidance counselor. Schools are supposed to have a zero tolerance for bullying.

 

[nmmom95]

Not all kids get along. You should not have gotten involved in this one.

 

[Jennasis]

The moms should stay out of it, unless things are getting "loud" or potentially volatile. And at that point mom's only involvement should be to tell their child to stop talking to the other kid.

While I am sure you fancy your DD the innocent party, I have found that it is very rarely like that. It sounds as if she is as guilty as Susie, and the best you can do is to tell your child to avoid Susie completely. Not every child is cut out to be everyone's friend.

OF COURSE the other Mom is going to defend her kid...just like YOU.

I had a student about a year ago who seemed to be a sweet kid. Her mom would go on about how "tender-hearted" her daughter was, and how she just tried to see the best in everyone and be everyone's friend, and sunshine and rainbows...Well it turns out that her daughter was little punk who started all kinds of drama amongst the other girls. Mom rallied for her daughter of course and that's fine. The girl had a BFF who tried to remain neutral between the punk and all the other girls. She told punky that she wasn't going to choose sides and would still be friends with everyone. Naturally this didn't sit too well with the punk...about a week later the BFF received a tremendously nasty email telling her off for being a "bad friend". The email said some truly abhorrent things (even going so far as to tell her that the teacher...that's me...hated the BFF. SO not true). BFF showed the hateful email to her mom who printed itup and drove it over to the punk's house and confronted the mom.

The MOM wrote it! At 2:30 in the morning drunk. No apology from that mother. Just a "So what. I guess our kids arne't friends anymore."

 

[kathie859]

Other than providing your dd with coping skills when others are mean, let her deal with the drama. It's how she'll learn to cope.

Not to beat you up, OP, but I think it was a mistake to make your first communication to the other parent in an email. It's difficult to always tell from the written word what the "tone" of the email is. You may have thought you were being warm and friendly and the other mother perceived your email as bossy and over the top. If you actually talked you may have avoided the added drama since you where determined to get in the middle.

 

[disneyjunkie]

So DD8 has been having some problems with another girl, let's call her Susie, at school. The girls are in the same brownie troop and share some of the same friends. I have been friendy with Susie's mom.

The problems between DD and Susie seem to have been escalating over the past month or so and they are both starting to pull other girls into it. I have been staying out of it other than to listen to dd and give advice. Last week though Susie told DD she was having a b'day party and DD wasn't invited. I was irritated because, why say anything at all? I emailed Susie's mom and expressed concern over the girls' issues, and told her what Susie said to dd.

She replied with a lot of "Susie said your dd did this and said that and she doesn't like that way dd is treating her." So, feeling forced to defend dd, I responded with what dd said Susie has been doing. The emails on her part started getting a little ugly (I know that everyone has the mother bear instinct so I tried to let it go) so I suggested, since the girls are only 8 and don't have all the problem solving skills they probably need, that the 4 of us get together and let the girls talk it out. She refused and said the girls need to work it out and we can't get involved every time there is a disagreement. Oh and that the other girls involved have opinions too so it doesn't make sense for us to meet. While I agree with we can't solve all their problems, we have never gotten involved and this disagreement seems to be getting worse rather than better. Why not talk it out? Plus I really don't care what the other girls think - this problem is between Susie and dd.

I am getting tired of this mom defending her Snowflake (her dd has a very strong personality and dd doesn't so I do think Susie starts a lot of it) plus I am tired of dd being so upset. Susie's mom is very defensive of her and, among other things, insists Susie didn't say anything to dd about the b'day party. Um, well, dd found out about it and says Susie told her. I don't think dd is going to lie about who told her about the b'day party.

I am started to get really irritated about the things Susie's mom is saying about dd. (Not that I think dd is perfect, but dd is not a mean girl and some of the things Susie is saying DD is saying DD denies and I believe her. Whereas Susie does have a mean streak I guess her mom is in denial about.)

Long story short, is the request that we get together and talk it out unreasonable? I don't want to solve all of dd's problems but she is only 8 and I really want to nip this in the bud before things start getting really ugly between the girls and between the mom and I. I also think they are pretty young to try and solve everything themselves. I'm just trying to help where I can and thought this might help.

Funny you called Susie a snowflake.

You stayed out of it until you found out your daughter wasn't invited to the party. I read that and thought Oh no mom is upset because her snowflake isn't going to the party.

I have to admit, I would have had the same response that Susie's mom had. I would not have a meeting with a mom because our kids can't get along. They will work it. If they decide to be friends good, if not good.

You don't have to like or get along with everyone one you come in contact with.

The fact that you called Susie's mom may make things worst.

If Susie is forced to invite your daughter to her party, would you let her go?

 

[SaraJayne]

I have a 9 year old DD that is dealing with a lot of the same stuff. However, I doubt my DD is completely innocent when it comes to some of the talking.

So I tell her to ignore it and play with people that can treat her nice. "Friends don't act like that girl is acting", etc

Then I stay out of it. I refuse to get pulled into 9 year old drama...much to the surprise of one mother that called me.

 

[krcit]

I have a 9 year old DD that is dealing with a lot of the same stuff. However, I doubt my DD is completely innocent when it comes to some of the talking.

So I tell her to ignore it and play with people that can treat her nice. "Friends don't act like that girl is acting", etc

Then I stay out of it. I refuse to get pulled into 9 year old drama...much to the surprise of one mother that called me.

My oldest is almost 16. There is a mom who will call other moms about her dd(16) I think I would fall down laughing if a 16 year old's mom called me about her dd not being invited to a party(that's the kind of call this mom makes!) When my oldest was in 3rd grade, another mom called because my dd wouldn't talk to her ds. I was around the kids a lot and the kid was a snot so I didn't blame my dd. I just told the other mom nicely that I didn't get involved in the kids fights.