double post
- Thread starter chrissyk
- Start date
If you don't want a knock-down, drag-out fight with your parents (or mother) over this, then you have to decide what you, personally, are going to do. It seems as though you have two choices:
1). Care for your grandparents yourself.
2). Hire someone using your own money to care/clean for them.
I agree with your mother about wanting to keep the folks at home as long as possible. You haven't said how they feel about staying at home, so I'm going to have to assume that they'd prefer to be in their own house as opposed to an expensive, impersonal nursing home.
If it's just a matter of the house isn't clean enough to suit you, then you might want to bring up an idea to the grandfolks that you'd like to clean it on a weekly basis for a nominal amount that they can afford. (Say $5.00 or $10.00 a week)
If you're not willing to put in the sweat and/or money to help care for them, I'd say to mind your own business. It's between your grandparents and your parents. Your time will come soon enough with your own parents.
1). Care for your grandparents yourself.
2). Hire someone using your own money to care/clean for them.
I agree with your mother about wanting to keep the folks at home as long as possible. You haven't said how they feel about staying at home, so I'm going to have to assume that they'd prefer to be in their own house as opposed to an expensive, impersonal nursing home.
If it's just a matter of the house isn't clean enough to suit you, then you might want to bring up an idea to the grandfolks that you'd like to clean it on a weekly basis for a nominal amount that they can afford. (Say $5.00 or $10.00 a week)
If you're not willing to put in the sweat and/or money to help care for them, I'd say to mind your own business. It's between your grandparents and your parents. Your time will come soon enough with your own parents.
The Mystery Machine
Sunrise at my house. :+)
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If it is a matter of cleaning then I say get someone to clean it or do it yourself. Nursing homes are not so great as far as "clean" goes either.
If you can keep the GP's in their own home it is for the best. I would trust that the social worker knows what needs to be done.
If you can keep the GP's in their own home it is for the best. I would trust that the social worker knows what needs to be done.
The Mystery Machine
Sunrise at my house. :+)
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This is the "hard" part, parenting the parents w/ the grandparents. You know they need a cleaner. DO NOT give them a choice. After awhile your GF should come around.
In the meantime work on your mother to convince her that they need to move out. If she believes it then she will convey that message to her parents and may make it happen.
Good Luck. My GP's are all gone so I know what you mean, been there!
It's a tough situation. My MIL refused to put her mother in a nursing home. MIL insisted that her mother remain in the mother's home (out of state from MIL) long after the point where it was clear to the rest of the family that she wasn't capable of living on her own (cleanliness issues, not cooking for herself, letting bills pile up, etc.). MIL would say that it would kill her mother to go to a nursing home, that nursing homes were horrible places, etc.
It was clearly MIL's issue, as her mother would say that she would do whatever MIL (an only child) wanted. The family did convince MIL to hire cleaning help and someone to drive her mother around town for errands. When her mother died a few years ago, the rest of the family spent the visitation and funeral service discussing what a blessing it was that she had passed because her living conditions had been so bad.
Do you have other family members that could talk to your parents about the situation? IMHO, parents often don't listen to their children but might be more willing to hear it from the peers (siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles, close family friends). I wish someone else in my MIL's family had openly discussed the situation with MIL instead of whispering behind her back at the funeral how good it was that the mother had finally died.
I used to think that if MIL would just go look at the nursing homes (she had been in one 20 years earlier and refused to consider that facilities today could be better), she might reconsider. Could you take you parents, even just one of them, to visit the nursing homes in your area? Perhaps if they could see the alternatives, your mom would reconsider.
Good luck!
It was clearly MIL's issue, as her mother would say that she would do whatever MIL (an only child) wanted. The family did convince MIL to hire cleaning help and someone to drive her mother around town for errands. When her mother died a few years ago, the rest of the family spent the visitation and funeral service discussing what a blessing it was that she had passed because her living conditions had been so bad.
Do you have other family members that could talk to your parents about the situation? IMHO, parents often don't listen to their children but might be more willing to hear it from the peers (siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles, close family friends). I wish someone else in my MIL's family had openly discussed the situation with MIL instead of whispering behind her back at the funeral how good it was that the mother had finally died.
I used to think that if MIL would just go look at the nursing homes (she had been in one 20 years earlier and refused to consider that facilities today could be better), she might reconsider. Could you take you parents, even just one of them, to visit the nursing homes in your area? Perhaps if they could see the alternatives, your mom would reconsider.
Good luck!
OK. Stop right there. The past is past. Concentrate on what can be done to solve the problem instead of worrying about (or finger-pointing and blaming) how it was created in the first place. There could be many reasons why things were 'allowed' to get that bad, but if they are as bad as you're writing then I would think the social worker would have taken bigger steps to move the grandparents.
Prepare for a family battle, then. If your grandfather doesn't want strangers in the house, and you are FORCING strangers on him, things are gonna get ugly. I wouldn't want strangers in MY house and I'd be deeply resentful of a family member forcing strangers on me based on their ideas of how I should be living. I'd have the locks changed and would probably cut this person off from any communication with me ever again. The next time they'd see me would be at my funeral.
Think about it.
Are we really talking about a health-threatening situation like squallor and your grandparents getting sick because of their living conditions? Or are we really talking about the fact that they're not living as YOU would like them to?
I seriously doubt that your parents haven't for one second considered their own elderly care. ESPECIALLY with having to deal with their own parents. That kind of thing would be on their minds whenever they worried about their parents.
Since your grandfather is steadfastly against having strangers in the house to clean, I'm going to suggest that you invest the time yourself to care for them in this manner or MYOB.
Disney Doll
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My Hagred, a little testy today, aren't we???
To the OP, if there is a SW involved, you have an objective opinion, which is good. You and your mother are too emotionally close to the situation to think with a clear head.
from reading what has been written, there are several issues here:
1. Your mother's inability to admit that her parents are aging and not as independent
2. Your grandparents inability to admit they are aging and not as independent
3. Your desire for them to have a clean, safe environment
4. Your grandfather's stubborness about allowing strangers into his home
5. Your mother's belief that an assisted-living facility will "kill" your grandfather(harkens back to #1)
My suggestion would be to take a breath, and try and look at the situation with somewhat objective eyes. Is there house truly filthy and unsanitary, or is it just not as clean as it once was kept, or not as clean as you would keep a house? I keep my house a certain way, and while I am not saying everyone has to do it my way, naturally I think my way is best.
If your GF is truly against strangers, and the cleanliness of the house is your immediate concern, then I would suggest you try and make some time on a weekly basis to get over and help with the cleaning of it. It will make you feel better knowing that it is up to your standards, your grandparents will enjoy the visit, it will give you the ability to "monitor" their situation.
Sometimes though, you have to let things go, and deal with a crisis when it occurs. You would be amazed at the # of people in the world who have no plans made for their future...where will they retire to, what are their wishes far as healthcare issues & decisions, who will help them. It is the rare person who can admit that they are no longer able to be as active & independent as they once were and do something constructive about it.
My guess is that if the SW thought there was a real safety issue, she would get the elderly protective services involved...actually, that is a requirement of her job.
To the OP, if there is a SW involved, you have an objective opinion, which is good. You and your mother are too emotionally close to the situation to think with a clear head.
from reading what has been written, there are several issues here:
1. Your mother's inability to admit that her parents are aging and not as independent
2. Your grandparents inability to admit they are aging and not as independent
3. Your desire for them to have a clean, safe environment
4. Your grandfather's stubborness about allowing strangers into his home
5. Your mother's belief that an assisted-living facility will "kill" your grandfather(harkens back to #1)
My suggestion would be to take a breath, and try and look at the situation with somewhat objective eyes. Is there house truly filthy and unsanitary, or is it just not as clean as it once was kept, or not as clean as you would keep a house? I keep my house a certain way, and while I am not saying everyone has to do it my way, naturally I think my way is best.
If your GF is truly against strangers, and the cleanliness of the house is your immediate concern, then I would suggest you try and make some time on a weekly basis to get over and help with the cleaning of it. It will make you feel better knowing that it is up to your standards, your grandparents will enjoy the visit, it will give you the ability to "monitor" their situation.
Sometimes though, you have to let things go, and deal with a crisis when it occurs. You would be amazed at the # of people in the world who have no plans made for their future...where will they retire to, what are their wishes far as healthcare issues & decisions, who will help them. It is the rare person who can admit that they are no longer able to be as active & independent as they once were and do something constructive about it.
My guess is that if the SW thought there was a real safety issue, she would get the elderly protective services involved...actually, that is a requirement of her job.
luvmarypoppins
<font color=darkorchid>I am debating whether to pu
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My heart goes out to you as I have been there and done that with my fil. The house only got clean after he died since he never let us do anything. I found food I left for thanksgiving in the refrig in feb. etc. I offered to do laundry, clean sink with mold floating in it etc. He basically told me to mind my own business etc. Yes at the funeral people were saying stuff to us like oh your father was failing, he couldnt take care of himself etc. I just basically ignored them as they were like hinting we didnt do anything etc. They dont know the real story of how we tried, from another state no less. I pray this situation will work out for you. I know you will have to make your opinions known too. Just curious...who has the power of attorney, health care proxy etc. for your grandparents. These are legally binding documents that will affect alot of the decisions that are made etc. Bless you for caring about your grandparents.
I'm not testy. The OP wanted advice and I'm giving it based on my own experience. All of my grandparents were cared for, in their own homes, by my parents. One died of Alzheimers, but she was still cared for by my parents and (at the end) by a live-in nurse.
I'm just offering the worst-case scenario based on what the OP has told us about her grandparents. It's this poster's life so, whatever she does, she's the one that has to live with it, not me.
When asking for and getting advice, it's best to remember that you get what you pay for.
I'm just offering the worst-case scenario based on what the OP has told us about her grandparents. It's this poster's life so, whatever she does, she's the one that has to live with it, not me.
When asking for and getting advice, it's best to remember that you get what you pay for.
I care for an elderly parent, and it IS difficult at times. She is still living independently, in a "retirement" type building. She has been sliping downhill for years, especially after my father's death.
Their cleaning started going downhill a few years ago (although housecleaning was NEVER my mother's strong suit ) and I started doing it because my father also didn't want strangers in his house. My husband put his foot down, and told them that he resfused to see me working so hard just because my dad had issues, and that unless he stopped being so selfish, my husband would do everything in his power to keep me away from them.
They allowed me to hire a cleaning service for them.
Unfortunately, the OP also has someone with a volatile personality to deal with. Most cleaning services would not allow their employees to be put into that type of situation.
As others have posted, you may only be able to do what you can, ignore the rest, and hope for the best.
Their cleaning started going downhill a few years ago (although housecleaning was NEVER my mother's strong suit
) and I started doing it because my father also didn't want strangers in his house. My husband put his foot down, and told them that he resfused to see me working so hard just because my dad had issues, and that unless he stopped being so selfish, my husband would do everything in his power to keep me away from them.They allowed me to hire a cleaning service for them.
Unfortunately, the OP also has someone with a volatile personality to deal with. Most cleaning services would not allow their employees to be put into that type of situation.
As others have posted, you may only be able to do what you can, ignore the rest, and hope for the best.
If the social worker has never been to your grandparents house, there is no way that he /she can make a judgement on the living conditions there. Call the facility and speak to the supervisor of social services. Find out how far they will carry their involvement.
The situation you describe sounds dangerous. Two elderly people, one with impaired sight and one with dementia, need help. "Staying in their own house" is not the optimum solution to every elder situation. Don't wait until you grandfather's dementia leads him to be violent toward your grandmother (as happened with my relatives.)
If your grandmother has expressed an interest in moving to assisted living, she would obviously welcome the help. Involve as many family members as you need to to talk to your mother.
And I would ignore the "advice" here that is no advice at all but judgemental blather.
The situation you describe sounds dangerous. Two elderly people, one with impaired sight and one with dementia, need help. "Staying in their own house" is not the optimum solution to every elder situation. Don't wait until you grandfather's dementia leads him to be violent toward your grandmother (as happened with my relatives.)
If your grandmother has expressed an interest in moving to assisted living, she would obviously welcome the help. Involve as many family members as you need to to talk to your mother.
And I would ignore the "advice" here that is no advice at all but judgemental blather.
I think that the only thing you can do is get yourself more involved. Maybe you can't rely on your mom or sister to keep you informed. Maybe it's too much for your mom alone. Are you close enough to do that? Even if they won't agree to having you clean up for them you could always just do some of it while you are there. They can't see what you are doing with the bathroom door closed!
If you do live close enough I think you should try stopping in at least a couple of times/week to check on them both. Wipe down the bathroom while they think you are going potty. Maybe offer to cook lunch or dinner and clean really good afterwards instead of what you might have to do at someone elses house (like just putting left-overs away or washing dinner dishes). Let you BEING THERE be an opportunity to help (and visit!).
I strongly believe in family keeping loved ones either in their own home with help (whether hired or done yourself), or taking them in themselves, as long as possible.
Good luck.
If you do live close enough I think you should try stopping in at least a couple of times/week to check on them both. Wipe down the bathroom while they think you are going potty. Maybe offer to cook lunch or dinner and clean really good afterwards instead of what you might have to do at someone elses house (like just putting left-overs away or washing dinner dishes). Let you BEING THERE be an opportunity to help (and visit!).
I strongly believe in family keeping loved ones either in their own home with help (whether hired or done yourself), or taking them in themselves, as long as possible.
Good luck.
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