Don't lknow what to do about my husbands family....vent long!

[imthatgirl]

OP, I'd just let it go. There are some who just can't understand that not everyone is over the moon to be in a wedding and therefor can't understand why you aren't turning cartwheels at the offer.

If you aren't close, don't worry about it. I see brides/grooms adding not-close family members as more of an obligatory thing anyway - like they needed a body to be a space filler. There is also the chance that they felt like you'd be upset if they didn't ask since you sit for the kids and all...

I'm not surprised at some of the remarks on here that are villifying you, it's been happening a lot here lately. It's just the risk you take when you post a vent.

I don't fault you for not asking the family along and I also don't fault you for turning down both weddings. Imagine if you agreed to do one over the other... what a mess! I think you made the right call saying no to both. If bride #2 wants to use you as an excuse to ruin her day, I doubt there isn't much you could do to make her happy. I would rather spend my money on a vacation with my family than 2 dresses I'd only wear 1 time.

Thank you...I think some people just like to argue. It doesn;t really bother me. I ahve found all this very entertaining. I suppose us SAHMs need something to do with our day when we aren't volunteering

 

[imthatgirl]

Well you are obviously going to do what you want regardless if 90% of people you ask think you are wrong. I'm sure the lifetime of bad feelings and repercussions you have created with your husband's family don't bother you as you have stated that you don't really like or care about them. Does your husband care that you have now created a wedge between himself and the family he used to be so close to?

lol...you may want to try actually reading the thread

 

[imthatgirl]

If this has really created a major permanent rift in the family, something else very wrong must be going on. Brides get very, very caught up in their weddings and have trouble understanding that this is not necessarily the number one priority of the rest of the planet, or even of other family members.

Weddings are nice, and they are significant life events, but in the long run it is the MARRIAGE that is important, not the splendid party, and not having every single relative you possess in garments of your choosing.

Obviously the OP's SIL has her nose a bit out of joint, but she's not being super-reasonable (really, $400 for a probably not terribly appropriate dress for a nine-year-old?). It's pretty obvious that if her SIL had said, "go buy her a cute party dress, I like these colors for my wedding", none of us would be having this conversation.

It's not a major rift in the family...in fact it seems to be a much bigger deal on the disboards then it is in real life.
Right, had she been even a little flexible on some of the things she needed us to do then maybe things would be different...maybe not IDK. For the first bride(the sister who isn't upset) they through her a shower that cost $6,500. There is no way I would have agreed to spend that kind of money on a shower. Some of their requests are just too much.

 

[robinb]

We are leaving from the reception. we will be going to wedding....which again I have said numerous times.

Thank goodness for small favors. At least you're not shorting the bride of your presence too.

 

[imthatgirl]

I still can't see why her DH couldn't be in the weddings? My SIL was in our wedding, but not her DH.

Then they would need another girl. they want even parties so that the groomsmen and bridesmaids can enter the church together. So one of us wouldn't work.

 

[zus888]

I understand where your SIL is coming from. I would be upset too - for all the reasons already stated.

From your posts here, it seems that you aren't understanding what others are trying to say. And I don't think I could say it any better than a couple people here have already said it.

I'm just saying that I think your SIL is justified in feeling hurt about your decisions. Whether you want to believe it or not is up to you.

 

[wdwfan16]

The problem is that you said money was the reason then you "secretly" found the money to do something fun and last minute. If you did not want to be in the wedding it would have been better to just say so and not use money as the reason. When a person uses money as a reason to not do something then as soon as they buy anything big it will be noted, just like in your OP.

 

[zus888]

On another note... $6500 on a shower????

I must be well out of the wedding loop. I couldn't imagine spending so much money on dresses and showers. I told my party and participants the general colors I wanted and let them pick out a dress the suited them best. Shower? At a friends apartment with food she baked.

I had no idea how much people actually expect you to fork over for a wedding!

 

[badblackpug]

I think, regardless of how it was said or meant, that your sister in law got the impression that you were not going to be in her wedding because you couldn't afford it, not that you didn't want to put out that much money and/or time. I think that is why she is angry/hurt over your vacation. Feelings are just that, feelings, they are neither right or wrong. She is entitled to feel this way, she is not entitled to make anyone's life miserable over it.

While, I agree, in some cases, it is an honor to be asked to participate in someone's wedding, it does not obligate one to do so. It is a lot of time and money, and it doesn't make the wedding particularly enjoyable. I, too, would have had an issue paying $400 for a dress for a 9 year old. Especially since that dress will, never again, see the light of day.

I think the messages got mixed. Go, enjoy the weddings, enjoy your trip, five years from now it won't even be a blip on anyone's radar.

 

[cwasil]

I started reading this thread and couldn't stop...very entertaining. I think the problem is that you were asking our opinion in hopes of hearing something that you agree with.

First off, I'll state that I'm a guy...so if I remember most of my wedding day from 6 years ago, I can only imagine the details that the women remember. I'd be very surprised if your husbands family forgets all of this in the years to come. I say this because perception is what you seem to be lacking. Your money is yours to spend on whatever you want...your time can be given to anyone, anytime. However, when you decide to leave on a vacation over standing up in family members wedding...regardless of your reasoning...99% of the time the families thought will be that you thought a vacation was more important than a, hopefully, once in a lifetime event. If your vacation cost more than the cost of going through with the weddings then that would probably be the perception of your in-laws. I'm not sure how you could argue that point.

You spelled out a story in your first post and throughout the pages you kept adding more and more to it to defend your stance. Your simple initial question of "does the baby sister have a right to be upset?"....absolutely not, she's 14 and should understand. You second question of "should my SIL's be mad?". Well, put your self in their shoes. To me it looks like you told them that your vacation was more important then standing up in their wedding. I know all your "vacation money has nothing to do with wedding money" and blah, blah, blah stuff but both destinations are "wants" not "needs". You chose one "want" over another. You'll make yourself happy over the wishes of some family members and if you're OK with that...then more power to you.

 

[okeydokey]

lol...you may want to try actually reading the thread

I have.

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

I suppose us SAHMs need something to do with our day when we aren't volunteering

Shh! Don't let out that you are a SAHM! People may think you're rich because you can afford a trip on a whim!

 

[mousebymarriage]

I understand your stress! First off, your husbands "baby" sister is 14 and not a baby so she is old enough to understand that this is a vacation for just you, DH and the kids. She may be disappointed and I'm sure she is jealous (heck, I'm jealous when someone I know is going to Disney and I'm not) but, she will get over it. As for the sisters, I understand they are upset that you have chosen to go on vacation rather than be in their weddings but, I also think it was unfair of both of them to expect all of you to be in both weddings (that is an enormous expense). Maybe you or DH could do a reading at each of their weddings, this way you (or he) are part of the ceremony without the financial strain.

Have fun and enjoy your vacation!

 

[Willow25]

If the SIL's were really eager for the OP and fam to be in the wedding then they should have covered the costs. It is rude to expect other people to finance a wedding especially when they have no say in the costs. I am so sick of "that is what family is about". It is important to remember that it might be what your family is about but not everyone has had the same family experiences as you. Family vacations are important and kids grow up fast. I would prioritise time with my child over paying $2500 for a crap dress and filling in numbers for people's weddings.

 

[heatherwillmom]

I totally understand & agree with you wanting a family vacation. We have occassionally taken family members with us to Disney & it has always put a damper on the trip. It's either my SIL dumping her child on us or my mother complaining about the price of food. We need time together as a family. Extended family vacations are hard. We work hard at our jobs & are entitled to enjoy our vacations

 

[DeniseinNS]

I started reading this thread and couldn't stop...very entertaining. I think the problem is that you were asking our opinion in hopes of hearing something that you agree with.

I agree. When you post something on a message board, you are going to get many different opinions and not all will agree with you. The OP seems kind of offended that some people are disagreeing with how she's doing things- yes some of us think this was handled wrong, we are not going to change our opinions on that because it's not what you wanted to hear.

 

[DeniseinNS]

The problem is that you said money was the reason then you "secretly" found the money to do something fun and last minute. If you did not want to be in the wedding it would have been better to just say so and not use money as the reason. When a person uses money as a reason to not do something then as soon as they buy anything big it will be noted, just like in your OP.

Agree 100%.

 

[Embel]

OP- I have no oppinion on the money/wedding/vacation aspect, but I wanted to tell you that while your relationship with your SIL may not fit your definition of close, it fits mine.

She must place a great deal of trust in your ability to love & care for her child, and she is probably very grateful that you do it for her for free. For me, it would be the very definition of close. I'm sure you occupy a very special place in her heart.

 

[disneyjunkie]

Add me to the family comes first group.

It's not a major rift in the family...in fact it seems to be a much bigger deal on the disboards then it is in real life.

Then why are you venting about it here?

Then they would need another girl. they want even parties so that the groomsmen and bridesmaids can enter the church together. So one of us wouldn't work.

Of course one of you would work.

The bride would have just found someone to replace you in the wedding party.

 

[OceanAnnie]

The OP's family is going to be at both weddings. How is that not putting the family first? Not everyone in the family can be in the wedding, are they not putting family first by only attending? What is the gauge?

I could understand if they skipped town and went on vacation, but they will be there.