donations to charity instead of bday gifts?

[SueInBoston]

We used to do this when my kids were little and we had big parties, then stopped when the kids start having smaller getogethers. However we did a combined big party for DD's 16 earlier this year with another family and I wanted to do 'no gift' but they wouldn't agree to it. So now we have a box of 'gifts' sitting in the corner since Feb. They are all really nice gifts but not anything my DD would use or wear.

 

[WDSearcher]

I agree, that's definitely the concept behind bridal and shower registries, and there's nothing wrong with those . . . unless you're giving that information to people who haven't asked for it. The same goes for Amazon wishlists and things like that. There isn't anything wrong with offering suggestions when someone has told you they want suggestions. To offer them when someone hasn't asked, though, is generally considered rude. You aren't supposed to assume someone will be getting you a gift at all, much less be seen as trying to dictate what that gift is. By saying "Instead of a gift, please bring a donation to XYZ charity" you are not only assuming that someone would otherwise have brought a gift (which you might be privately assuming, but you really are supposed to maintain the polite fiction that gifts aren't necessary or expected) but you are also trying to dictate what people do bring.

Then by your own definition here, the line "The Bride and Groom are registered at Crate & Barrel" written on an invite is rude. The bride and groom are not only assuming that I'm planning to purchase a gift, but they're telling me where to buy it from and dictating (via the registry choices) what I should buy. I didn't ask them to give me gift suggestions when they sent the invite. So how is that different??

 

[Scurvy]

Then by your own definition here, the line "The Bride and Groom are registered at Crate & Barrel" written on an invite is rude. The bride and groom are not only assuming that I'm planning to purchase a gift, but they're telling me where to buy it from and dictating (via the registry choices) what I should buy. I didn't ask them to give me gift suggestions when they sent the invite. So how is that different??

It isn't. It's just as rude for the bride and groom to include that information on (or with) their invitations. Having a registry is fine. Preferring donations is also fine. Giving that information to someone who asks for it is fine. Giving it to someone who hasn't asked for it is rude.

 

[LiberalPrincess]

I don't think it is anything like a bridal registry -- those gifts are still ultimately for the bride and groom while these supplies/donations are not. I think Miss Manners is not correct in every case and is certainly not the be all end all of what is right for individual situations, and I think teaching kids early the value of giving to others less fortunate trumps any bad manners being claimed. Let's face it, it is pretty much a given that kids going to a birthday party will bring something, so pretending like that isn't so seems strange.

I like the idea of making it sound completely optional that a few have mentioned, and particularly wording it along the lines of "here is the charity we are supporting, and we would love you to share in the experience. The charity particularly needs books/canned goods/whatever."

 

[zoemurr]

We went to a 5 year olds bday party last year and the invitation said something like this, "our family has been incredibly blessed, so instead of presents Little Suzy is collecting canned food items to donate to the food bank where she volunteers with her mother". The thank you cards were also of her surrounded by the piles of donated food, still have it on my fridge and it makes me smile.

That sounds like such a cute pic. When my DS was 3 we collected bandaids for the local Ronald McDonald House. (that's what they said they wanted). We have a pic of him sitting in a huge pile of bandaids with this tremendous smile. I'm not sure he understood at the time what/who they were for, but he never asked where his gifts were.

Now we have a photo of them from 3-11 every year standing in front of RMH with their donations. It's a tradition we treasure. I can totally see where/why people would say it is rude, but I feel worse about accepting gifts and then re-gifting/selling them 'cause they are not things they want or need.