Does marriage counseling work? I'm desperate

[Sugarbaby]

My husband of 12 years told me yesterday that he has fallen out of love with me and feels nothing for our marriage. He said he loves me but doesn't want to continue this marriage. He took a job in another state 2 years ago and my daughter and I were planning on moving when school was out. He said going to couseling would just prolong this and that a divorce was inevitable. I believe him when he says there is no one else. I love him and can't imagine living without him. He said he feels numb inside. He has a very stressful job and had a huge personal legal battle that he just put behind him. He has many demands in his job and is the one who is supposed to fix problems for everyone else. It has been very draining on him emotionally. I know he was so lonely for us,but there were issues for me to deal with at home before my child and I could move to be with him. He says though that he has felt like this for months. I knew he was distant,but thought he was depressed and lonely and things would be better when we were a family again. I am trying to insist on seeing a counselor,but he says it won't work. I just feel devastated and can't let go just like that. Has anyone had an experience like this? Would counseling help? I am just crushed. Please help me.

 

[winniedapooh]

I don't have that experience but would have to say that if he will not go with you I would go to counseling alone to try and deal with all of the emotional turmoil right now for yourself. Good luck and pixie dust!

 

[luv2nascar]

I'm sorry I have no personal experience with counseling
but I would try anything to save my marriage
maybe your pastor or spiritual advisor could talk with you both or recommend a group for couples
I would try something and not just give up so easily
best of luck I'm sure it's gonna be tough either way

 

[DSNY FN]

I have been down this road not married mind you but living together etc. The councelling in our case did nothing but make things worse I got more and more bitter for her trying to make me stick it out as you will. I know that is not really what you want to hear but as the saying goes if you love something let it go you know the rest. I left and was back in 2 years and now I know how to deal with those type of things with my wife. I am truly sorry you are going through this it is not fun and regardless of what people say it is hurting him to.

 

[chell]

 

[DemonLlama]

Counseling can work -- particluarly if it is done in conjunction with treatment of your DH's depression. His numbness inside sounds like a classic case of clinical depression and it needs treatment, both pharmacological and psychological to get him feeling "back to himself."

You should also plan to go to counseling on your own as well!

My prayers are with you.

 

[Carlen T]

Well, speaking as someone who is currently in marriage counseling, let me assure you that it does help over time. It will not be an overnight thing. My DH and I have been going for a year and a half now and it has really changed my way of thinking. There's times when I just want to pack it in and leave, but I'm at the point where I stop myself and think, "do I REALLY want to leave?" and the answer is always no. I realize I would be messing up my kids and I know without a doubt I would be miserable without him. I hope this helps. And yes, I've struggled with depression too.

 

[tiggersmom2]

I know this is hard but if he is totally against marriage couseling, I'd just let it go. For something like that to work, both parties must be willing participants. You will be in my prayers, lots of hugs to you too!

 

[ScarlettO]

I don't understand the two year separation?

My best friend's DH moved to his "promotion" city in January. By the time she and kids moved there in June(after school had let out) he had a girldfriend(married also.) She did not find out until the following Dec. Lonliness can make a person look elsewhere for friendship...2 years is too long , in my opinion.

 

[letfuller]

Sorry to hear you are going through a rough spot. Prayers for you and your family.




~Linda

 

[GoofItUp]

I have no real experience with this, but I would also say that I would do anything to save my marriage. Definitely go to counseling. If he won't go, at least go by yourself and perhaps the counselor can help you understand how to cope with these things and help him as well.

My prayers are truly with you. I admire your dedication to your marriage.

 

[summerrluvv]

It only works when both parties are willing to go. It doesn't look like your DH *wants* to make it work.

This might not be the popular opinion here...but of course he is going to tell you there isn't someone else. (Do they ever really admit to it? even with concrete *proof*, NOPE!). If you have been living apart for 2 years, then chances are he found a new companion. Sorry that you are going through this

 

[nativetxn]

Since I've had no experience with counseling, I won't offer advice. I'll just offer a {{{HUG}}}. I'm sorry you are going through this

 

[HappyMommy2]

I am so, so sorry. Your post brought tears to my eyes. God bless you--I wish I had good advice to give, but I don't, so I will just say a prayer for your family.

 

[Sugarbaby]

We were separated for two years because my oldest daughter (19 YO and in college)and her husband moved in with us due to the fact that living on the street was their next step. They had no where to go. Then my son lost his job and was broke,so he moved in for a while. All out by last fall after getting back on their feet. We decided to wait till school was out this year to move. He comes home every other weekend. Maybe I am a fool,but I believe him when he says he has no one else. He came home tonight to talk to us and is tearful. He says he doesn't know what he wants to do. He is at the gas station now,so I sneaked in to read replies. I appreciate all the support. Like so many others,I never thought I would be writing to my Dis friends with a problem. My daughter is 10 and is begging her dad. Breaks my heart. Thank you for all the replies,even if they are not what I want to think about.

 

[ZachnElli]

We've done counseling twice. We just started again. My dh said that we want different things and therefore we won't work out. So I called a counselor. We went, he's depressed and on medication now. He's much better and no longer says those things! It does work, but he has to be able to seek help. My dh had just gone to the family doctor about lack of energy, headaches, insomnia, all the usual signs of depression. I was hoping she'd catch it (I knew, but you can only do so much until they are willing to acknowledge it). Oh, we've been married almost 12 years now and I don't see it ending anytime soon! I do think the hard part is finding a good counselor. The first time around it took 3 different ones until we found one we liked. This time I met this one through church and she is just SO great! She had us pegged in the first session! I believe you have to try, jmo.

 

[pajamommy]

Sugarbaby, I just sent you a PM.

 

[Alice28]

Those same words came out of my DH's mouth 5 years ago to me. He even had the papers written up. I saw a counselor at my church on my own 2-3 times. I finally told him, I'm tired of fighting about this- I love you and I want our marriage to work, but if you don't then there's nothing I can do anymore. I wrote down what our financial situation would be like, and that we would still have to see and talk to each other several times a week because of our son. He left for the day, came back, shred the divorce papers, and here we are 5 years, later...our marriage is stronger than ever. We still have rocky times, but nothing like that horrible spring/summer of 1999.

And yes, in hindsight, my DH will say that he was going thru some type of depression (he HATED his job and then was out of work for about 4-5 months). But at the time, he never would have admitted it. Alcohol played a strong factor as well.

You know who helped me at that time- Dr. Laura. At times she drives me crazy, but at that time she made a lot of sense to me. My marriage was based on a committment we made, not a feeling of love. And I held strongly to that. I also knew that most marriages that go thru a rough spot succeed after a period of 5 years of sticking it out. Obviously not all couples can do this, but we are a living example.

Best of luck to you~

 

[Dan Murphy]

Some good thoughts here, personal experiences, Sugarbaby. I myself have none to add, but do wish you both the best, good wishes, you are in my prayers.

 

[Kitty 34]

Good luck with whatever happens. {{{{HUGS}}}