Does anyone NOT have a DH help out?

[sha_lyn]

DH works 40+ hrs a week, I'm a SAHM for the most part. I work a few hrs a week in a Martial Arts studio as an assistant instructor and office manager. We also homeschool so I don't have a lot of free time during the day.
DH is in charge off all the outside projects, maintenance etc. I do most of the cleaning, cooking etc. If I have something easy planned for dinner the nights I work he will see to dinner. 16 DS washes the dishes, and cleans the kids bathroom.
DH is very hands on with the kids and always has been. He also helps 8 DD clean/straighten up her room when she lets it get too cluttered.

 

[graygables]

In response to jfulcer and poohandwendy,
I know you weren't directing it at me BUT, I want to add that sometimes it isn't a matter of "training" as much as it is a matter of change in personality. When my DH and I married, he told me that he could "take or leave" football and he tried very hard as a step-father to my DDs. We agreed early on that I would be a SAHM and he would be the breadwinner. He was cheerful and hard-working and did a very good job at being a "family man". We also agreed on certain chores. For me growing up, trash was a "boy job" and if you stand to use the pot, you get to clean it, so those were his jobs. He also was in charge of cleaning the tub, since I have a bad knee and that's hard on me. No amount of "reminding" could get him to clean the toilet/tub. I even made a comment once about him improving his aim to make my cleaning job easier and he refused to believe that it was his you-know-what down the side of the toilet. It got to the point where we now have a "girl bathroom" and a "boy bathroom", so he can see for himself what a mess he makes all on his own and live in his own mess if he chooses to.

Also, he is now a cross between Mr. Banks (Mary Poppins) and Mr. Monk (the detective) and I am allowed to call him pathetic if it fits him in particular (I was not referring to anyone else by that remark). If you take your car to the mechanic, can YOU fill out the form yourself or do you have to bring it to your wife to do it for you? Do you "parent" your children or do you barely tolerate "babysitting" them? That's how he is NOW, not when we were married. There has been a drastic personality shift and I am having difficulty dealing with it. No, there will be no counseling, no therapy, and no doctors (already tried, will NOT happen), so I'm stuck dealing with it. I was trying to say that women are very quick to jump on the "man-bashing" wagon when helping is NOT necessarily a gender thing, but an individual thing as has been shown by the responses on this thread. I think asking the DH to do something is a good start (and not following it with a critique), but for some of us, the response to the asking by an 'untrainable' DH is worse than just doing it ourselves and grumbling about it on the DIS boards.

 

[Nancyg56]

If they intended me to do all that stuff they would have provided written directions that I could ignore and mess up anyhow.

Are you my DH???????

 

[Tigger&Belle]

. I think asking the DH to do something is a good start (and not following it with a critique), but for some of us, the response to the asking by an 'untrainable' DH is worse than just doing it ourselves and grumbling about it on the DIS boards.

And if letting off some steam on a message board helps us, I think it's a good thing. Sometimes by complaining, venting or whatever you want to call it here it takes the edge off and we are less likely to be a witch (to put it nicely ) to our spouses.

 

[LoveWDW]

My husband takes care of the cars and outside work as well as repairs and upkeep in the house. I do all cooking and shopping, laundry, bathroom and kitchen cleaning- he vacuums the carpets. So I am very lucky. When we were first married and lived in an apartment (no outside work or upkeep), we both worked in the same office and had the same hours. I would come home and clean and cook and do laundry, and he would sit and read the newspaper. After a couple days of this I said Look, we both work, it isn't right that I am coming home and working and you are coming home and relaxing. He said he hadn't thought of it since his mother was a SAHM and did all the housework. So starting then he helped. The point is to talk to your husband. Maybe even suggest what you would like him to do, or give him some choices- would he like to take over the vacuuming, or the laundry, etc.

 

[DisneyDotty]

Just curious, for those women whose DH's don't help out around the home, do you work outside of the home?

No--though I do work part-time from home--but very few hours a week. The fact that I do everything around the house (inside and out) is exactly why I'm not seeking employment elsewhere. Keeping up my house/taking care of my family IS my job right now, and I wouldn't have it any other way. And I am constantly stunned by how "traditional" my life is, given my politics/world views would not be considered as such. But I enjoy my life. My DH will jokingly ask if I ever want to return to the out-of-the-house work world, and I tell him yes, when he wants to return to vacuuming, doing dishes, mopping floors, etc. At that point he encourages me to stay home...
Funny, too, that I will sometimes gripe about the monotony of taking care of the house--most every chore has to be done over and over, day after day after day. And DH pointed out that's his reality at work, too.
The only thing that does worry me is when DH retires. Do I get to retire, too? If so, who's gonna clean the house?

 

[missypie]

I haven't read the whole thread, but I am amazed at the capacity of every member of my family to watch me work. I am personally uncomfortable watching someone work while I am doing nothing...I will always offer to help. But I can be running around trying to clean like crazy, attempting to lift heavy things, trying to carry too many things, trying go get dinner on the table while setting the table while pouring drinks while emptying the dishwasher,etc., etc. and every member of my family - especially DH - is content to just watch me.

 

[princess momma]

I'm almost positive that my husband messes up every chore he has to do on purpose. He refuses to cook, because nobody will eat it, somehow everything he cooks ends up a grey/beige color with a slimy texture. Disgusting. I can give him a recipe, but it always turns out the same. It's funny how when we were dating he could cook beautiful meals for me, and now he doesn't know how.

He does the laundry and the clothes don't get folded or put away and end up a wrinkled mess. I end up rewashing and drying them and putting them away.

His idea of cleaning is picking up things and putting them on the island in the kitchen. He claims to not know where things go.

So I end up doing almost everything, including a lot of the yardwork. Oh well, at least he does play with the kids a lot. My father showed absolutely no interest in us at all.

And I do work part-time and am working on a masters degree.

 

[Bob Slydell]

But your wife works 60+ so it evens out LOL!

Anne

Well, the ratio of work around the house that I do is in somewhat equal proportion to the DW's work hours / my work hours ratio.

Starting around January, that ratio goes to about 80 hours / 50 hours, so I end up doing closer to 100% of the work. But hey, we're a good team.

 

[sha_lyn]

I'm almost positive that my husband messes up every chore he has to do on purpose.

That seems to be my 16 DS's plan. However he is quickly learning that not doing it right means doing it again, not getting out of doing it.

 

[tmt martins]

I thought that the only CACKELING i was going to here was during the MNSSHP parade by the CHICKen in the barn

BOY DO I MISS THAT PARADE

 

[Stitchfans]

Guess I am lucky and spoiled cause DH does help out a lot.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I haven't read the whole thread, but I am amazed at the capacity of every member of my family to watch me work. I am personally uncomfortable watching someone work while I am doing nothing...I will always offer to help.

My DH is not bad about this, but my kids sure are. It got to the point that I would be cleaning the whole kitchen with a child sitting on a stool watching me the whole time. I finally had the revelation that I could have them help. So that's when more chores started to happen. They don't always do it to my standards, but at least they are doing it.

princess momma, I can sure identify with that! I do feel that way with my DH sometimes.

 

[DisneyPhD]

1st off, my DH is great. I complain sometimes, but for the most part he is wonderful.

When we both worked full time we split the jobs around the house. After DD was born I did more but he helped alot. When I was prenant the 2nd time he did almost everything for a very long time (I didn't go near the kicthen sink for 5 months or I would losse everything in it! TMI sorry.) When he has to he helps out a lot more.

Now that I am a SAHM and we have two kids I do most stuff around here, but he does help out when he has the time. During the school year (he teaches college) he isn't much help to me during the week. He helps out a lot during the weekends.


Having said all that I have a funny story about my Aunt and Unlce.

My Aunt is a southern lady in her 70's. She is known for her cooking. She had a stroke a few years and wasn't able to do things around the house like she did before so my Unlce had to taken on a whole new challange he had NO IDEA how to do. His idea of cooking would be to taco bell, but when he got home he would put it in the frezzer for later! Like he couldn't just run out to taco bell and get it when they were hungery.

My point being that if the man has never had experince at this home making stuff, don't expect him to know what to do with out some help!

 

[MinnyGranny62]

I started this thread to just vent. I am 62 not born in 62.
I can't very well take baby steps to show DH what to do as I don't
have that many steps left.

I have asked DH to help ....like the other day I said please vacuum
the living room and take a blind down for me. Well......the vacuum
sat in the middle of the room for 3 days and I finally did it. And yes
I took the blind down to be cleaned also.

Don't really think that he knows where the extra TP is. Wonder what
would happen if I didn't put any out????

 

[poohandwendy]

LOL, Minnie. My serious response to your thread is based on the fact that I know many women who are seriously unhappy because of the division (or lack) of household chores. My point is that if you really want change in your circumstance, start with yourself. Change your reaction. The rest falls into place when you just do not accept unacceptable behavior.

BUT, I want to add that sometimes it isn't a matter of "training" as much as it is a matter of change in personality.

With all due respect, if your DH has been changing over the years, for the worse, and it really bothers you why have you put up with it? I think people forget that the only way bad habits continue is if they are allowed to.

If you take your car to the mechanic, can YOU fill out the form yourself or do you have to bring it to your wife to do it for you?

If you don't want to fill in the form, why do you do it?

There has been a drastic personality shift and I am having difficulty dealing with it.

You have allowed it to happen, like it or not you are part of the relationship that isn't working when you accept things that you sincerely are bothered by.

but for some of us, the response to the asking by an 'untrainable' DH is worse than just doing it ourselves and grumbling about it on the DIS boards.

That is a choice you make. If that is ok with you, then all the power to you. If it isn't, then it is up to you to demand change. No, it isn't 'easier'...but worthwhile things are never easy.

I am not trying to pick on you, only point out that it's a very real problem when women place themselves in a position they don't want to be by doing what they don't want to do and then resent their husband because he is going along with it. EVERYONE goes into marriage with their best foot forward...and then things change if that change is accepted. I am sure he can think of a few ways you have changed. But, you know what? If he isn't going to do anything about it, then it's HIS problem that he doesn't demand changes.

My point is that you can only change yourself...and how you react to him. If you do not tolerate bad behavior, it cannot continue. You have more power over your situation than you realize.

I hope you understand my words are not meant to attack you, just to make you think. I get the impression that you feel helpless in this. I am trying to point out that you really aren't. You never were.

 

[poohandwendy]

I just wanted to add a story that reminds me of this issue.


There was a woman who had a very loud, social husband who always humiliated her when they were in social situations by mentioning things about their life that she felt were very intimate. She tended to be more private and it made her very uncomfortable when he would air their dirty laundry just to get a laugh or two at a party. She became accustomed to gritting her teeth and trying to laugh along with everyone, but it hurt her deeply and evntually made her lose respect for and resent him.

She mentioned it time and time again and he laughed it off and told her she was making a big deal of nothing. This really hurt her, that he didn't take her seriously. She told him, "The next time you start up at a party and humilate me, I am going to take my handkerchief and place it on my head. When people ask me why, I will simple tell them that my husband is totally insensitive to my needs and I wll not remove it until he takes me seriously". He, of course, laughed and said "Go ahead, you will only make yourslef look the fool"

The very next party they went to, he started telling a joke about something private in their lives and, low and behold, his wife opened her pocketbook and took out her handkerchief and placed it upon her head. Everyone looked at her and laughed...they thought it was a joke. But noone could understand the punchline, so one man asked her, "Why the handkerchief?" She obviously had everyones attention (which made her very uncomfortable), but she cleared her throat and proceeded to quietly say:

"My dear husband has, over the years, lost respect for my sense of privacy. What once was something beautiful, shared between he and I, has become something he throws out there as if it has very little importance, for the mere amusement of his buddies. I am simply reminding him that this public humilation is something I cannot not ignore any longer."

All eyes turned toward the husband and while he tried to laugh it off, everyone instantly became very uncomfortable...knowing they just happened upon a serious and private disagreement between this husband and wife. He was never so humilated in his life. It was the very last time he humiliated her in public.

The point is, she learned how to get his attention and learned how to make him understand...on his level, what was not acceptable to her.

 

[jfulcer]

The very next party they went to, he started telling a joke about something private in their lives and, low and behold, his wife opened her pocketbook and took out her handkerchief and placed it upon her head. Everyone looked at her and laughed...they thought it was a joke. But noone could understand the punchline, so one man asked her, "Why the handkerchief?" She obviously had everyones attention (which made her very uncomfortable), but she cleared her throat and proceeded to quietly say:

"My dear husband has, over the years, lost respect for my sense of privacy. What once was something beautiful, shared between he and I, has become something he throws out there as if it has very little importance, for the mere amusement of his buddies. I am simply reminding him that this public humilation is something I cannot not ignore any longer."

All eyes turned toward the husband and while he tried to laugh it off, everyone instantly became very uncomfortable...knowing they just happened upon a serious and private disagreement between this husband and wife. He was never so humilated in his life. It was the very last time he humiliated her in public.

Actually I think they all didn't want to say anything because she had just blown her nose in the hankie and it was sitting on top...

 

[graygables]

With all due respect, if your DH has been changing over the years, for the worse, and it really bothers you why have you put up with it?

Because I don't want a divorce.

I think people forget that the only way bad habits continue is if they are allowed to.

It's not a matter of being allowed, it's the way he is. It is a psychological condition that he refuses treatment for, the choice he makes, so I am helpless in this situation.

If you don't want to fill in the form, why do you do it?

Because I wanted to get back home...today. He would have at first stood there gaping at me, then went into a panic, would have had to fill out several envelopes until he got one right, then would have been angry with me for the rest of the WEEK for "humiliating" him like that.

You have allowed it to happen, like it or not you are part of the relationship that isn't working when you accept things that you sincerely are bothered by. That is a choice you make. If that is ok with you, then all the power to you. If it isn't, then it is up to you to demand change. No, it isn't 'easier'...but worthwhile things are never easy.

Again, I haven't "allowed" anything and these changes certainly have not taken place with my permission. He has a mental illness (OCD at the very least, with a healthy dose of general anxiety, agoraphobia, and depression thrown in for good measure)

I am not trying to pick on you, only point out that it's a very real problem when women place themselves in a position they don't want to be by doing what they don't want to do and then resent their husband because he is going along with it.

I know you aren't, but I'm trying to make the point that it isn't always just a matter of "housetraining" your man.

My point is that you can only change yourself...and how you react to him.

I agree, but this is where I'm finding the biggest challenge.

 

[raammartin]

Quote:
Originally Posted by MinnyGranny62
I was just wondering as we are both retired now and
I am used to doing everying inside the house. But now I do
need a little help and don't know how to ask for it.




JUST ASK - you might be pleasantly surprised !!!

My thing is WHY should I have to ask? Am I the only adult who lives here? Don't get me started. I could go for hours on this topic. DH is really good at somethings, but.....there are a lot of things that need some fine tuning to say the least.