Does anyone NOT have a DH help out?

[DisneyDotty]

Funny you should mention this...
I was gone for two weeks with my mother, and my father came to be "me," while my DH went about his life (read: nothing changed for him.) Well, upon my return I noticed the house, though tolerable, was not up to my standards of clean. (And believe me, those are very loose standards.) Eg--piles of laundry stacked up in bedrooms, dog hair on floors everywhere, the crust around the bathroom sinks, etc. So I started grumbling, at which my DD 11 said that she tried to keep it clean, but it was so much work. I said I appreciated her efforts. Then go to the bathroom, and there's no toilet paper. Call down, "Honey, we're out of toilet paper." DH: "How am I supposed to know we're out of toilet paper until we're out of toilet paper?" Huh? He's s PhD, for gosh sakes! I asked him how he thought I magically managed to keep toilet paper stocked in the cabinets, to which he replied--dear man--"Honey, face it. When you're gone, this house just doesn't run."
Okay, he appreciates that I pretty much do everything around the house, just as I appreciate how hard he works to earn a good living and give our family the lifestyle we enjoy.
Nevertheless, it was eye-opening to realize how much I do around the house, and how much stops when I'm gone. Kinda scarey, too.

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

Mine only lifts a finger when nagged (and I sooo hate to nag). I just noticed the hedges between us and the neighbors are about 12 feet high (we usually keep it about 7 feet high) but I highly doubt he will stop watching soap operas long enough to notice so I better start the nagging.

 

[the kabuki]

Just curious, for those women whose DH's don't help out around the home, do you work outside of the home?

DH does diddly around the house, he was raised by a Sicilian mother who trailed behind him picking up after him. I've come quite aways with him, but honestly, if I'm not having to work outside the home, the home and kids' are my job,then why would I expect him to work all day , then come home and start up again?

Now if I worked outside the home, then all bets are off and he sure as h**l would start sharing the household work 50/50, but quite honestly if I'm fortunate enough to stay home with my kids while he trudges off digging in muddy basements all day(he's a plumber), I don't expect him to start doing the laundry (as if he knew how )

To add: don't take this as some SAHM's don't have "real" jobs comment, I am one and I know I'm working hard all day & night too. Just saying that if the expectation is for DH to work all day, that's his job, mine right now is the home & kids'. I realize that sounds very old fashioned, but I'm 34 , not 80, and DH and I have a good division of labor going on here. He doesn't want my job, I don't want his, and we agree that we both work hard.

 

[Disney1fan2002]

It has only taken me 8 years to stop getting aggrivated that I have to make him a list everyday.

IF IT IS WRITTEN, IT WILL GET DONE

 

[Candleshoe]

I work outside the home. DH does not (is looking for a job).

He:
gets dd to school and back
does dishes (sometimes)
cooks supper

that's it.

 

[ChrisnSteph]

My dh does what he can, but being a fireman, he's not home much. I do most of the stuff around the house - as I should since he works two jobs so that I can be home with the kids! He doesn't like it when I mow the lawns though. He's always worried what the neighbors will think!

 

[jfulcer]

Sorry if your feelings are hurt Jeff. I know that it's not a gender thing, but an individual thing (I have a brother who is *great* at home, so I know it can be done!). It's just that so many men are (still) raised with the notion of "woman's work", so we females have to vent about it every so often. Your DW is very lucky to have you! BTW, my DH isn't lazy at all, he works very hard at a physically demanding job (which is why he only has a few designated chores around the house), but sometimes he is so helpless, it's annoying. We had to take his truck to the mechanic today and he couldn't even fill out the key drop form. Pathetic!

But that's just it - it is generally is a gender thing. How many guys are here on the DIS that would post "Man, my wife just doesn't help out around the house, I have to do everything while she sits there and watches her Soap Operas." It just doesn't happen.

IMHO, it's all in what you make it to be. If you let your husband be a bump on the log, he's going to be a bump on the log.

I'm not the perfect DH. I make lots of mistakes and don't do as much as I think my wife would like. I'll give you the secret of training that worked on me. I know, I'm breaking the guy code by admiting this, but I'd rather empower you ladies to change your environment AND change your tune at the same time.

Give your DH a chore. 1 chore. Make him do it every day. Remind of it. Don't nag. Once he starts doing that on his own, without prompting - add another. Rather, Rinse, Repeat. Some of us may need more work than others - I was housebroken because I lived with guy friends for a while - and the fact my mom expected me to help around the house. Nothing teaches a man better to live cleaner than to live with a SLOB friend.

Oh, (and I don't mean to single you out on this graygables) and you can be certain that we don't like being called pathetic. Your DH may have the IQ of a rock, but it's not fair to call names.

 

[poohandwendy]

I agree with you Jeff. When I read threads like this, I often wonder if people don't realize that these sort of bad habits do not just 'happen', they are cultivated. And they are not the fault of only one spouse. If you don't expect much and take care of everything, you are going to get very little and you will be doing everything.

I think many women tend to make the mistake of taking charge of household tasks from day one and do not realize that they are setting the stage for how things will be until they DEMAND something different. Maybe it is a pride thing, they want their new husband to tell everyone what a wonderful woman they married, I dunno. It's all easy in the beginning, it's like 'playing house'.

But the problem is that real life sets in, these tasks become harder to juggle with added responsibilities that come with time and they turn around and blame their spouse for not automatically knowing that this isn't working for them. (I am sure men do this too, but I am more familiar with what women are complaining about, LOL)

Also, you cannot expect another person to take care of things that just are not important to them, it just won't happen. Like vaccuuming, for example. If it were up to my DH, our house would be vaccuumed like every 6 months. It just is not important to him. It is to me, so that is my chore. (although he will do it if I ask him to) But generally, it's up to me. Washing the car? I couldn't care less until brushing up against the car door while getting in is making my clothes dirty, LOL. If it were up to me, it would get done twice a year. It matters to my DH, so he takes it on as his task. I don't look down on him because he doesn't see a great importance in vaccuuming every day, he doesn't look down on me because I don't care about how shiny my car is. We just split the chores as is practical for our lifestyle, and that's that.

A little bit of non-accusatory communication can go a long, long way. Women will say, "But I can't get him to do anything around the house...he just won't do it". I say bull kucky. You married him because you love and respect him. You can talk to him without fighting. Don't tell him what he 'should' be doing, tell him what you cannot do and ask him to do specific things for you. And remind him if he forgets. The very last thing you should do is present a 'you suck and this is why' list of his faults. Take baby steps. Rome wasn't built in one day, these bad habits took a long time to become what they are and they will take a while to change.

You don't have to be his mommy, you are his partner. And let's be real, if you want a pristine house and he doesn't care about pristine, you are going to have to create pristine and ask him to do the things that matter to him. You cannot expect someone else to create a world they aren't even all that interested in. And be prepared to expect that there may be things that you do (or not do) that he is not happy with . It's give and take, compromise.

I think it should be a law that couples reevaluate the inner workings of their marriage every 5 years. (from intimacy, to finances, to household and parenting issues...everything) If that happened, there would not be such frustration and nagging...IMHO. Because things change, situations change and you need to keep reinventing yourselves, so to speak. What worked 10 years ago is bound to be obsolete and impractical now. Sheesh, if corporations didn't keep reinventing themselves, no business would be solvent. Why do we think marriages are any different?

JMHO

 

[Pin Wizard]

When you're gone, this house just doesn't run."

LOLOLOL! I work with someone who took a few days off to visit a long time friend in FL while her husband stayed home. When she returned her husband told her...it's not good for a man to be home alone. LOLOLOLOLOL!!

 

[Marseeya]

Just curious, for those women whose DH's don't help out around the home, do you work outside of the home?

.

Not always. When I did work full time, he was the same way.

My expectations are different when I'm working outside the home vs when I'm in school vs when I'm home full time. However, when it comes to the kids, I wish he'd give even 60/40 -- that much would be a huge load off of me. After all, he IS a parent too.

 

[grlpwrd]

My dh commutes home on weekends and drives 3 hours each way. He does what he can.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Some good points have been raised and for the most part I agree with them. My DH does work and I am a SAHM. I don't expect him to do anything around here weekdays since he's working, but he does sometimes. He works at home and even though he works long hours and a somewhat stressful job, it's a lot of sitting and sometimes he comes upstairs and volunteers to vacuum a room, etc, just to help out and get a little exercise. That I really appreciate. I have migraines and most days am dealing with that, so if there is anything that he can do that is extra painful to do with a migraine it's wonderful.

It's the weekends that bother me since we are generally both here (or driving to the activities of our children). It's the expectation that I have to be in charge all the time even when I have communicated that I have something other than the normal household stuff to do (things that he wants me to do, by the way).

So I agree that communication is very important. It does work both ways, though. Both have to be clear about their expectations, demands for the time, etc.

As for the OP, I think the tendency for a lot of women is to be a martyr, doing everything without communicating that they need help, and then give their husband grief over what they have not done. Yep, they are not mind readers! Talk to him about what needs to be done and work it out together.

 

[GJM]

We both work Full Time - I do everything around the house. DH really does nothing. If I ask him to do something and he doesn't I just do it myself. He still needs to take the pump & filter off the pool - still isn't done - if it doesn't get done soon I will just do it myself.

 

[Chicago526]

DH helps out, the problem is it isn't consistant. He'll get on a cleaning kick, then won't really help with anything for a few weeks, then start all over again. He works nights at a very demanding job, though, so I cut him some slack. All I do is sit at an office all day! He does do all the "guy" stuff around the house though, lawncare, car maintinance, fixes up the house etc. so I don't mind when he doesn't do the dishes for three weeks straight!

 

[Sunny37]

I count my blessings everyday for my husband! He not only puts in a lot of hours at work plus he teaches graduate classes two days a week and he STILL comes home and helps out a lot around the house. He knows that I work hard as well and has enough respect for me to know that I am not solely responsible for the chores around the house.

I grew up with a Dad who worked and a SAHM. He did absolutely NOTHING in the house (he did cut the grass)!

 

[ducklite]

My husband is great around the house, although sometimes he'll over analyze a project and make it take twice as long as it needs to...

But if I ask him to vacuum, mop the floor, change the sheets, clean a bathroom, pretty much anything but dust, he'll do it. He'd even cook, but um, well, I'd rather he didn't LOL! He will pitch in though if I want him to stir something while I'm busy doing something else.

Because he's only here half the month and away for work the other half, he's usually got a "honey-do" list when he arrives, so I try not to ask him to do too much "regular" housework.

Anne

 

[Tigger&Belle]

OK, today is Monday and I'm eating crow! Well, not literally since I'm vegetarian.

My DH came up from his basement office and not only volunteered to finish the vacuuming that I was doing to give my aching head a break, but he did a much better job than I would have done. I was vacuuming our living room furniture, where one of our dogs likes to sleep. My DH took the cushions off the couch and really did a good job. I'd forgotten to tell him that my idea of vacuuming them is to do a decent job (not wonderful) of all the surfaces you can see. So when he was taking the cushions off, etc that I started to feel real guilty about this thread.

I think a lot of my feelings have to do with my expectations (if I don't have any then I'm very easily pleased) and my attitude (when I'm feeling tired, sick, overstressed, etc, and I then tend to look for the bad--not a good idea).

So, no to derail this thread any further, but I did want to admit my guilt.

 

[Bob Slydell]

I do pretty much as much, if not more, around the house than DW. I cook, do wash, dishes, the kid's baths, etc., etc. All that, and I work 50+ hours a week.

 

[ducklite]

I do pretty much as much, if not more, around the house than DW. I cook, do wash, dishes, the kid's baths, etc., etc. All that, and I work 50+ hours a week.

But your wife works 60+ so it evens out LOL!

Anne

 

[2sweetangels]

My DH helps out when he wants to (such as when I get on his case about helping me) and most of the times DH is out of state. DH works as a long distance mover so there are times where he is gone for a week or so and Im left with the girl's by myself. When he comes back he thinks he does not have to do anything with the girl's to help me out since he just got back from work. I tell him it don't work that way when you have kids.

Katelyn 1.17.05
Hayley 8.16.05