Does anyone here have an Alcoholic Parent?

[pppiglet]

How do you deal with them? My mom's been one for years, but finally ended up in the hospital today. She's 67 looks 80! My sister disowned her 2 years ago. I couldn't do it. I'd just like to know if anyone else out there has older parents like this.

Thanks.

 

[rie'smom]

My parents aren't alcoholics but I just wanted to say that I hope everything works out for you.

 

[HelenePA]

My mother was an Alcoholic. To tell you the truth I only saw her when I HAD to see her. There was no dealing with her. We did have a few "good" days at the end when she was laying in a hospital bed in liver failure... but not nearly enough. Now my kids are with out a grandmother, she never met my youngest baby(she did know about him she actually knew I was pregnant before I even did. she said someone "told" her I was, she was also talking to dead people in her hospital room it was REALLY REALLY freaky!). She hardly knew my girls. Its very sad, I cry about this alot when people talk about their holiday plans with their loved ones. Drinking tore mine apart. She was 49 when did died in October 2004.

 

[Honu]

My mother is one and I haven't spoken to her in years.

I used to feel like I'd abandoned her, but in reality she was the one that abandoned me. I hope someday she cleans herself up, but it's her life and it's up to her to do it. You might look into a local Al-Alnon or other support group. They can probably give you some solutions locally to try and help your mom.

I'm sorry you are having to go through this.

 

[themarquis]

my dad. He quit drinking when I was a teenager, and we had a few good years, but he did eventually relapse. He's (I think, since I don't see him too much) in a state now where he keeps his drinking more or less under control but does do a fair amount of it. More than any of us would like.

With him, the biggest issue is that he undergoes a nasty personality shift when drinking. So really any amount of drinking is too much ... unfortunately he continues to do it. He becomes mean, abusive, defensive, and jealous when he drinks even three or four drinks. I don't honestly know how often he drinks these days but I've gotten to the point that I don't care that much.

Here is how I deal with him: I know it might not be helpful for you, but I try to be in his presence as little as possible (usually limited to short visits over christmas, etc.) When I am in his presence, I schedule my time so that I don't have to be sitting at home with him a lot. I try not to assume I should be able to hang out with him for long periods, since the state of his drinking and his mood are so unpredictable. When I am visiting, I make sure I have an "exit strategy" -- I make sure I have a rental car, have contacted friends in the area to escape to if needed, etc.

The other strategy I use which has been really successful is to continually remind myself that I am now a mature adult who doesn't have to put up with any bulls**t. I wouldn't let anyone act cruel/abusive around me, including my dad. When I was young, I was trapped with him and was helpless. Now that I am an adult, I can help myself and remove myself from the situation if necessary. I can leave at any time. I can call the airline and get the next flight out. This really helps me feel strong when I am around him. I have not had to leave his presence, but I have threatened to do so on a couple of occasions. This helped keep him in line and remind him that my presence is contingent upon his behavior.

I know you probably have to help take care of your mom and can't just absent yourself, but you CAN remind her that you will not be willing to help her if she doesn't act appropriately and treat you right.

Hope that helps. Its a tough situation, and there is no easy solution, but just remember that you are a strong person who is able to protect yourself from harm. Being around parents sometimes makes people feel childlike and vulnerable -- but you are NOT vulnerable. You are going to help your mom because you're a strong, mature, caring person -- but you're not going to let her hurt you.

 

[MrsKreamer]

My mom isn't an alocoholic, but she has a gambling addiction with a lying compulsion. She seems to be doing better but everytime she mentions going to the casino, I want to vomit.

 

[n2dzny]

My friend's mom is an alcoholic. Very sad to watch from the sides. She has had 3 scheduled c-sections and her mom has not been present for one because she was too drunk to go over to see her (or be of any help for that matter). With the last one, my friend needed her mom to pick her kids up at school and bring them to the hospital after the delivery (her mom was supposedly clean at the time). Well her mom turned a 2 hour trip into an 8 hour trip-she left here going to her house and 8 hours later, a hospital that is about mid ways between here and my friend's house called to say that she had ran off the road and was unconscious. The sad part is that she drives intoxicated a lot. Her husband is a CPA and has several 'to do' clients here in town and NOTHING ever happens to her. My friend refuses to drink any form of alcohol and prefers that her husband doesn't. Very sad. Oh, and she has 5 grandkids and she is not close to any because of her drinking. It is sad to see the family suffer because of her habbits and even worse to realize that she doesn't realize how she affects her family.

 

[Melwood23]

Mom was never diagnosied as an alcoholic. But drinking anywhere from 8 to 10 beers a night, when she pretty much was drunk by the second one, and doing this since before I was born, I believe she was one. Even if beer was her drink of choice, it still is alcohol. Unfortunatley, I was an only child, no father, so I had to put up with it. For years I hated being around anyone who drank, either beer, or other. Even I didn't want to drink beer, though I would have mixed drinks once in awhile. I also have low alcohol intolerance. It was till Mom was like 70 I finally had it. In previous times I confronted her, it was the same old line of "I love my beer, leave me alone' and me being shy, self conscious, etc, just kept withdrawing more into myself. But when I finally had that last confrontation, told her why I didn't have friends, because I was ashamed to bring anyone home to see her in the condition, etc, she finally stopped. Unfortunatley she passed away in 2002 from lung cancer (years of heavy smoking). It still is hard for me to tell anyone about my past, that involves Mom's problem, because when I say she was an alcoholic, and then say it was beer, I get the 'you can't be an alcoholic from beer' and I just feel sorry for those that say that, because that is what Mom would also say. Alcohol is alcohol. So even though I lived with Mom, off and on, most of my life till her death, I usually kept to myself in my bedroom, or would be grateful when she would stumble off to bed in a drunk stupor so I could just get a little peace. And yet I feel guilty because I would do or feel that way.

So all I can do is and tell you I understand

 

[Kitty 34]

My SIL is an alcoholic and it has been so sad watching her destroy the lives of her two children and my brother. We had the big intervention three years ago but unfortunetly the disease has that much of ahold on her because she's back to drinking. She starts as soon as she gets up in the morning and is usually in bed by 3 or 4 in the afternoon. It's so sad.

to others that have suffered because of booze.

 

[nordkin]

I strongly suggest Al-Anon. It has been a life saver for our family. My parents are not alcholics, but my two sons are. My advice is to try several different meetings because they are not all the same. You need to find one that works for you. You can find the meetings by going to Al-Anon's website and looking at the where and when.

 

[apirateslifeforme]

My grandmother was. I grew up with my mother and grandparents so I was in the house with it. Gram would come home from work every night and get plastered. She kept her whiskey and something else - I don't remember what it was - in her closet. Every Friday night when we went grocery shopping, she'd take me to the liquor store with her. Since I was only 5 or 6 years old, I didn't really understand that what she was doing was "bad." The nice old man that ran the place always gave me a lollipop. Soon I was helping Gram get her stuff, because I knew where it was, and by the time I was 7 she'd just hand me the money and I'd go get it - since the man knew us, he'd let me buy it. I never really put two and two together and realized that when she beat me, it was because of the booze. Anyway, back in 1995, she started to get really bad, passing out and losing time. One morning I found her on the bathroom floor and I absolutely could not move her. She was awake, but not in the least bit coherent. I called my mother at work; she called Gram's doctor, who knew that she was an alcoholic, and told Mum to call an ambulance and have her taken to the hospital. It took a full week for her to detox. Thankfully, she hasn't had one drop since.

to everyone.

 

[Hillbeans]

I did. I don't talk about it much.

My mom passed away a few years ago from Cancer, but I definitely think that her drinking (which she tried to hide) made the condition a lot worse. My family never talked about it either, it's one of those things that was never discussed and everyone pretended it wasn't an issue.

Good luck to you and I hope that you get through this difficult time.

 

[minnieandme]

My dad was before I was born. My mom never knew he was an alcoholic as he hid it very well. His turn around point was when he had a very bad accident and his head went through the windshield. They had to do a skin graft on his forehead. You can still see where it is because that part of his forehead is flat. Fortunately he covers it with his hair. If he had died that night I would've never been born.

My parents divorced when I was 2 and I remember going to a couple of AA meeting with him. I never really understood what was going on until I got much older. All I remember was they had a lot of different cakes and punch at the end of the meeting.

 

[alldiz]

good luck to you...

i grew up with an alcoholic,abusive father....
wasnt till i was 17 and had a boyfriend that i
told my mother i was movin out....

that gave her the backbone to leave him
UNBELIEVABLY he never drank again...
we went back in 1 month...

my mother is a saint....
i still have a hard time how she let him
treat her like dirt forever...and still does to a lesser degree....

my father is slighly redeeming himself with my daughter..
he tries to be a good grandpa...
and it is hard to hate someone who is good to your child....

but the pain is always right there...
god bless and good luck...

dont be an enabler....do the minimum....
unfortunately u must protect yourself
peace
kerri

 

[Robmom]

I grew up with an alcoholic mother. My parents split up because of her drinking. It was a hard life for me. I stopped going out to play with my friends because I was so withdrawn. I was taken to a therapist once, but that didn't seem to help me. She went to rehab a few times, but she would always relapse. In fact, she was totally plastered a couple of days before she went into rehab one time and apparently she fell and she went in with a black eye. She was very embarrassed. Thankfully she doesn't do it anymore. I have noticed that lately sometimes on the weekend, she has some beer. She hides that from me. But it's not like it used to be when she was a literal fall down drunk.

 

[hlbtimes2]

I strongly suggest Al-Anon. It has been a life saver for our family. My parents are not alcholics, but my two sons are. My advice is to try several different meetings because they are not all the same. You need to find one that works for you. You can find the meetings by going to Al-Anon's website and looking at the where and when.

I'm am the daughter, sister and wife of alcoholics. Yes, go find an Al-Anon meeting. Keep trying new meetings until you find one you feel comfortable with. There is help out there.

My brother has 17 years of sobriety. My dad had about 9 or 10 years when he passed away. And, thankfully, my husband has about 2 1/2 years.

 

[LoveBWVVBR]

My dad is one, as was his dad, brother, etc. I ended up moving far away because I didn't want to start my own family with that kind of drama around. I can take it in small doses (for visits a couple of weeks a year), but that's about it. I deal with it by building a very healthy, functional family of my own. How else can you deal with it There is no changing the alcoholic unless they themselves want to change. You can only change yourself, decide if you want to be around that behavior, etc.

As a side note, does anyone else hate the smell of liquor? It makes me gag to smell it on anyone's breath. I think it's a side effect of growing up with an alcoholic parent

 

[BamaTigger]

My real mother is. I lived with her the first 18 years of my life when her and my dad got divorced. I lived a very bad childhood which I dont like to talk about. But just a few details of how it was..she would come to football games when I was in the band DRUNK and make an *** of herself. She would wake me up in the middle of the night to clean up her drunken puke. She handed me a knife at my 16th bday party in front of my friends and told me to kill myself and then threw me out that same nite. Went to stay with my dad and I took my cat with me. (next day she threatned to have my dad fired from his job if he didnt send me back to her). She threw pears at me when she asked me if I liked my step mom and I said yes. Just a few of her drunken rages.

She is the sappy type drunk...always cries and dwells on crap from 20 years ago. I dont go around her at all when she is drinking. She makes me sick. Im terrified of her when she is drinking.

I dont consider her my mother. Yea, I see her, talk to her every now and then, she lives about 15 miles from me. But she isnt my MOTHER. My step mom is my mother, and hell, she has brain damage from a brain aneurysm, and still considers me as her daughter.

Alcoholics suck.

 

[Aidensmom]

My father is an alcoholic, but has been sober for over 20 years now. My mom is not an alcoholic but she has her own problems. My childhood is not something I really like to think about. However, I do love both my parents, and I do speak to them and we have civil relationships now, even if they are not close. I just learned how to really detach myself from their behavior (towards me and otherwise) through therapy. The only person's thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that I can control are my own. I also focus on the good things that have come from my situation, such as I learned to be very independent and I also find it pretty easy to not be too sensitive and just let things slide right off me if someone says something negative to me (heck, I don't even notice when people try to make passive aggressive slights most of the time).

I am, however, sorry that anyone has to deal with alcoholic parents, or other alcoholics in their lives.

 

[Evil Genius]

My dad was an alcoholic. It was a horrible way to grow up. We were civil to each other as I got older, but he was never a father to any of his children, his bottles were his children.

I agree with other posters to find an al-anon meeting.