Does Anyone have Major InLaw Trouble ?

[lovmy2girls]

My Father in Law is the the spawn of the devil himself ! My husband handles it pretty well, he is like a duck, and just lets it run off his back. He lives here in town, and OH! did I mention, he wishes I would drop off the face of the planet !!! It has gotten pretty bad the last couple of months.

Does anyone else have a problem with an in law, and how do you handle it ?????

I can't believe I have let someone drive me this nuts, but I can't seem to shake it ??

Any suggestions ?

 

[Kimberly]

You could confront him directly and ask what his problem is. Some people lose a lot of wind in their sails when they're put on the spot, it's nice to make people like that feel uncomfortable for a change. The smartest idea is to probably just ignore him, since he probably does it (in some sort of sick way) because it annoys you.

 

[kaylajr]

Been there Done that

and finally figured out

YOU can't change them only the way you deal with it

so now we just don't deal with most of DH's family at all

 

[Otimon]

I would think that this being your husband's father, it would be up to your husband to step up to the plate and speak with him. Hubby is probably so used to his dad's ways he just feels you should let it roll off your back, too.

Father and son need to have a heart-to-heart and soon.

Best wishes.

 

[chrissyk]

Been there Done that

and finally figured out

YOU can't change them only the way you deal with it

so now we just don't deal with most of DH's family at all

Same. It's sad, but you can't control the actions of other people. When they deliberately disregard your boundaries over and over, you have to decide what you are willing to put up with and what you won't put up with. You have to decide what behavior you are willing to expose your children to. Your husband must do the same for himself.

The sad part is that my in-laws are basically decent people, but my MIL has pushed my DH over the edge over one issue. This issue is very important to him. He has never waivered on this from the first day that I met him, but somehow MIL thought that she could change his mind if she was just persistent enough. Sometimes I still wish that she would see things clearly and make things right with my DH. He says that it will never happen, and he has moved on. What I have taken from this experience is that NOTHING is worth alienating your adult children over. At least I will have that knowledge when we have children of our own.

 

[Honu]

No trouble. Several years ago, my MIL and SIL confronted and blamed me that my DH doesn't spend time with them because he would rather spend his off time with his wife. What a jerk, huh? So now they don't see much of either of us. There is no trouble, because there is no contact.

 

[lovmy2girls]

When you confront him with anything, he just gets a blank stare on his face, it goes in one ear and out the other. His favorite statement is "I don't see it that way"

We have cut off contact a lot with him. We don't see him nearly as much. We even moved 30 miles away thinking that would help but it seems to have gotten just as worse as it was.

I wish I could just find the off switch for me and not let what he does bother me.

Thanks for all your replys. Its nice to know I not the only one out there that has this problem.

 

[Wishing on a star]

This has been my situation EXACTLY!!!
Your post could have been my exact post a few years ago!!!

Let me tell you. Everyone posting here is correct. Your DH should not let disrepect for you 'roll off his back'. He should not let your pain and anger and frustration 'roll off his back'.

Your DH needs to step up to the plate and defend you.

I always said that I would simply NOT let this affect our marriage. And, I put up with a lot. Well, when devil spawn FIL put MY SON on the spot in order to get to me, and then completely told me off and flamed me in front of DS and DH and MIL and everybody, and he told DH "You can do better".
That was the last straw. I told DH that it was over. That I would never see his parents and subject myself to that ever again. And that as long as I had a FIL who treated me that way, and a husband who would not defend me, then I, and DS (their precious grandchild) would never see them again.

DH agreed to defend me. The next time he visited them (weeks later) he told FIL that this was NOT acceptable. And, he really saw the light when FIL proceeded to curse and defame me once again!

End of story, when DH layed out the boundary and put his foot down, his FIL had to comply. He issued me a somewhat sincere apology. And, we do see them from time to time.

Needless to say, I have NO relationship with my inlaws. When we do see them. I simply do not speak. It is very strained. But, I realize that any hopes of anything better are simply futile.

The bottom line.... as long as you care what they think, they will be able to upset you. Realize NOW that they will probably never change. And simply cease to care one little tiny iota what they think. What they think does NOT matter!!!!

However, the real issue is that what your DH thinks DOES matter. If your ?DH continues to let this situation exist, then he is showing a huge lack of respect and love for you as his wife. It may be a little while before you can see clearly thru all of these issues... But, when you do, you will see that this is, in reality, not an in-law issue, but a huge marriage issue!!!

At that point, I hope that you can discuss this calmly and rationally with your DH, and that he finally sees the situation for the inappropriate situation that it is. Hopefully he will be able to see your feelings and your point of view, and will be 'as one' with you in how he handles these things.

HUGS!!!!!
from somebody who knows exactly how you feel!!!

 

[ThreeMusketeers]

I think this scenrio is all too common.

I too have a VERY terriable situation with the inlaws..or I guess I did.

DH has to be the one to step up. It's not good for your marriage..and if its not good for your marriage, you have to know its not good for your children!

If they are anything like my inlaws they will make their own bed, and then lay down in it, cover themselves up and and DH will just shut the light off.

(if that makes any sense)

They don't play a part in our lives anymore..b/c of their unwillingness to realize that to get along with DH, they have to at least TRY to get along with me.

 

[lovmy2girls]

Thanks everyone for your replys.

 

[Charade]

not anymore!! but seriously, they were great. Too bad the relationship couldn't have survived my divorce.

 

[kc73]

My FIL isn't a spawn of the devil, he is the devil.

My husband & I have been married 11 years.

Follow me here, my DH sister & my brother married & were divorced 5 years later, which was last year. My ex (& still) SIL cheated on my brother. Turns out, she says she's promiscuous because my FIL sexually abused her growing up from age 3-16. My SIL admitted this to my DH during the week after my bro. found out & left with their daughter. When my FIL found out that my SIL spilled the beans, he denied it & called my husband's bro. & blamed the abuse on my husband (yes, his own son). He told my MIL it was my husband, too. She believed my FIL. My husband's brother knew his father was lying & called my DH to let him know what my FIL was doing. My SIL has told everyone the truth, no it wasn't my husband & my FIL is such a coward he didn't admit the truth until a month later & found out no one bought his story (besides MIL). My MIL & FIL has never apologized to my husband & expected things to be o.k. with everyone. My MIL says her husband is starting to age & needs her around so even though what he did makes her sick, she's staying with him, even after he told her that it was her fault he abused his daughter because she didn't "satisfy" him. Yep, the devil himself.

We told them both they won't see my 2 DS (ages 3 & 6) until they both apologize & admit what they did was wrong. My FIL won't apologize & we haven't spoken or seen each other in a year. They live an hour away. My DH says he's much happier this way. Yeah, I'd say I had problems w/my in-laws, but I guess not anymore..

 

[Sleepy]

No trouble. Several years ago, my MIL and SIL confronted and blamed me that my DH doesn't spend time with them because he would rather spend his off time with his wife.

Well, that sounds like my FIL until the day he died. He was the problem in the family to so say. He was very selfish and very controlling. He demanded that every weekend was spent at his house. He did not care if my husband had something planned with us.......defrosting his freezer, repairing his fence, etc was more important than taking a child to the zoo In his eyes, he and his wife (my husbands mother) WAS my husbands family and me and our son was just to be there when FIL did not need my husband. it was a battle that lasted many years. He was so desperate to create a divorce; that he actually, on several occassions, created lies about me to my husband. Luckily, I had proof those accussations were false and upon confronting him by my husband, he "simmered down". he hated me to the day he died and because of his hate for me, he shunned his grandson and had no contact with him the last 7 years he was alive. His wife, my MIL, was all mouth.....defending everything her husband said. Well, that is until he died and now she is just a silent member of the family all alone. Not much contact. Hubby never calls her. I can't blame him. Look what kind of hell they put him through. Almost ruined his marriage. Best advice is to stop all contact before the damage is done. Last thing i told my FIL was "I will outlive you and I will win!" Yep, I did just that. Hubby was free to visit them anytime he wanted, but we never went with him and he only went IF we had nothing else planned as a family.

 

[lovmy2girls]

Well, that sounds like my FIL until the day he died. He was the problem in the family to so say. He was very selfish and very controlling. He demanded that every weekend was spent at his house. He did not care if my husband had something planned with us.......defrosting his freezer, repairing his fence, etc was more important than taking a child to the zoo In his eyes, he and his wife (my husbands mother) WAS my husbands family and me and our son was just to be there when FIL did not need my husband. it was a battle that lasted many years. He was so desperate to create a divorce; that he actually, on several occassions, created lies about me to my husband. Luckily, I had proof those accussations were false and upon confronting him by my husband, he "simmered down". he hated me to the day he died and because of his hate for me, he shunned his grandson and had no contact with him the last 7 years he was alive. His wife, my MIL, was all mouth.....defending everything her husband said. Well, that is until he died and now she is just a silent member of the family all alone. Not much contact. Hubby never calls her. I can't blame him. Look what kind of hell they put him through. Almost ruined his marriage. Best advice is to stop all contact before the damage is done. Last thing i told my FIL was "I will outlive you and I will win!" Yep, I did just that. Hubby was free to visit them anytime he wanted, but we never went with him and he only went IF we had nothing else planned as a family.

This sounds just like my FIL, he wants his son to be there to help him wipe if you know what I mean. It does not matter if we have someting planned, his stuff is more important. He has also lied about me and tried to run me down to my husband, which was a mistake, didn't work. Just the nerve is what gets me.

 

[lovmy2girls]

My FIL isn't a spawn of the devil, he is the devil.

My husband & I have been married 11 years.

Follow me here, my DH sister & my brother married & were divorced 5 years later, which was last year. My ex (& still) SIL cheated on my brother. Turns out, she says she's promiscuous because my FIL sexually abused her growing up from age 3-16. My SIL admitted this to my DH during the week after my bro. found out & left with their daughter. When my FIL found out that my SIL spilled the beans, he denied it & called my husband's bro. & blamed the abuse on my husband (yes, his own son). He told my MIL it was my husband, too. She believed my FIL. My husband's brother knew his father was lying & called my DH to let him know what my FIL was doing. My SIL has told everyone the truth, no it wasn't my husband & my FIL is such a coward he didn't admit the truth until a month later & found out no one bought his story (besides MIL). My MIL & FIL has never apologized to my husband & expected things to be o.k. with everyone. My MIL says her husband is starting to age & needs her around so even though what he did makes her sick, she's staying with him, even after he told her that it was her fault he abused his daughter because she didn't "satisfy" him. Yep, the devil himself.

We told them both they won't see my 2 DS (ages 3 & 6) until they both apologize & admit what they did was wrong. My FIL won't apologize & we haven't spoken or seen each other in a year. They live an hour away. My DH says he's much happier this way. Yeah, I'd say I had problems w/my in-laws, but I guess not anymore..

Your right, your FIL is the Devil !

 

[JCJRSmith]

My FIL isn't a spawn of the devil, he is the devil.

My husband & I have been married 11 years.

Follow me here, my DH sister & my brother married & were divorced 5 years later, which was last year. My ex (& still) SIL cheated on my brother. Turns out, she says she's promiscuous because my FIL sexually abused her growing up from age 3-16. My SIL admitted this to my DH during the week after my bro. found out & left with their daughter. When my FIL found out that my SIL spilled the beans, he denied it & called my husband's bro. & blamed the abuse on my husband (yes, his own son). He told my MIL it was my husband, too. She believed my FIL. My husband's brother knew his father was lying & called my DH to let him know what my FIL was doing. My SIL has told everyone the truth, no it wasn't my husband & my FIL is such a coward he didn't admit the truth until a month later & found out no one bought his story (besides MIL). My MIL & FIL has never apologized to my husband & expected things to be o.k. with everyone. My MIL says her husband is starting to age & needs her around so even though what he did makes her sick, she's staying with him, even after he told her that it was her fault he abused his daughter because she didn't "satisfy" him. Yep, the devil himself.

We told them both they won't see my 2 DS (ages 3 & 6) until they both apologize & admit what they did was wrong. My FIL won't apologize & we haven't spoken or seen each other in a year. They live an hour away. My DH says he's much happier this way. Yeah, I'd say I had problems w/my in-laws, but I guess not anymore..

I'm sorry, but I would have called the police. Your FIL told your MIL that he abused his daughter because....The because part doesn't matter. He is an admitted pedophile. He should NEVER see his grandchildren. He is too dangerous.

 

[kc73]

I'm sorry, but I would have called the police. Your FIL told your MIL that he abused his daughter because....The because part doesn't matter. He is an admitted pedophile. He should NEVER see his grandchildren. He is too dangerous.

The only way this guy would ever see my kids again is if there were a lot of groveling/apologizing, etc. going on (and that won't ever happen). Even so - if hell did freeze over & it happened - my husband & I would be in the same room at all times - even if my kids are boys. My husband's brother & his wife have not allowed their kids to see them either. They've had no contact at all in the last year, just like us.

Sadly, they are still allowed to see my niece. my SIL takes her daughter to their house occasionally during weekend visits. My SIL says that the abuse "wasn't that bad" (WTH?) so she doesn't mind taking her daughter there. My brother has been to court to get it stopped, but all the court will do is to require "supervised visitation" and that only means that an adult needs to be present, who happens to be my SIL.

As far as calling the police, the man didn't admit anything to me otherwise I'd be on the phone in a heartbeat. He has ways of twisting & manipulating the story & other people. I so wish he would be put behind bars. There's a lot more to the story & the way he treated his kids growing up. That's the only fair place for him to be. One day he'll get what's coming to him.

 

[RUDisney]

KC, hold firm and NEVER let your FIL alone with your kids. Your SIL needs counseling in a MAJOR way!

My MIL problems were solved when my mother called her and told her to cut the sh.. She reminded her that her son picked me and she had no say in the matter. She didn't have to love me, just tolerate me better than she had been. The funny thing is that I told my DH that the way that our issues could be resolved was for him to say to his mother, "I love her. I picked her. Please support my decision." He couldn't because his mother had too much control over him.

The problems lasted for 10 years. For the last 1.5 years, I have had a wonderful MIL. The day my mom confronted her, she called me and apologized for the last 10 years of sh.. she put me through. We talked it out and have been friends since.

It truly sucked having a bad MIL. The way she controlled all of her kids' lives, she had all of them believing that I was the problem. I even received emails from one SIL saying that I didn't deserve her brother or our kids. When my DH told his mother about it, she defended her daughter's right to have an opinion.

While I'll never forget what they put me through, and DH knows that if they start the BS again, they'll never see our kids again, I certainly like it better now that we're getting along. Heck, she even babysits for us sometimes now. That would not have happened before.

 

[lovmy2girls]

KC, hold firm and NEVER let your FIL alone with your kids. Your SIL needs counseling in a MAJOR way!

My MIL problems were solved when my mother called her and told her to cut the sh.. She reminded her that her son picked me and she had no say in the matter. She didn't have to love me, just tolerate me better than she had been. The funny thing is that I told my DH that the way that our issues could be resolved was for him to say to his mother, "I love her. I picked her. Please support my decision." He couldn't because his mother had too much control over him.

The problems lasted for 10 years. For the last 1.5 years,I have had a wonderful MIL. The day my mom confronted her, she called me and apologized for the last 10 years of sh.. she put me through. We talked it out and have been friends since.

It truly sucked having a bad MIL. The way she controlled all of her kids' lives, she had all of them believing that I was the problem. I even received emails from one SIL saying that I didn't deserve her brother or our kids. When my DH told his mother about it, she defended her daughter's right to have an opinion.

While I'll never forget what they put me through, and DH knows that if they start the BS again, they'll never see our kids again, I certainly like it better now that we're getting along. Heck, she even babysits for us sometimes now. That would not have happened before.

Wow how do you even talk to you SIL or MIL after all that, did they even talk to you and apologize or make it right somehow after the email??

 

[RUDisney]

Wow how do you even talk to you SIL or MIL after all that, did they even talk to you and apologize or make it right somehow after the email??

No. MIL made a general apology. SIL is nice to me now, but has never apologized for any of the mean-spirited email that she had sent me. I didn't expect her to apologize and if she tried, I was going to cut her off and tell her what is in the past should stay there.

My FIL, whom I never met, but talked to a few times on the phone, told me that when she was a teenager, she got mad at her parents, so when they weren't home, she went into the bathroom and turned on the shower at it's highest and hottest setting, pointed it at the tile wall and let it run. When they got home, the tiles were laying in the tub. So, my point is, she's always been a little off. I think the fact that she had 2 children 14-months apart taught her that she can't control all things and that everything can't always be her way. She's actually a better mother than I thought she'd be.

IMO, life is too short to hold a grudge. I'm happier not carrying that weight around and I know that they feel some semblence of guilt. I can hold my head high because I know that my family won the war.