Does anyone have a child no one likes?

[Mom21]

I don't understand it. I am not one of those mothers that thinks my child can do no wrong. I know her faults. She is bossy and strong willed and opinionated. She is also kind, very giving, and would never, ever hurt someone's feelings on purpose. I see nasty little girls that are bitter and biting and hurt one anothers feelings. They do the whole hand thing and eye rolling thing, popping the shoulders, disrespect for the world thing, etc. My dd would never do that. People just don't like her. The only call she got from school this year was for several weeks from a girl that wanted dd to give her the answers to homework every night. When dd refused, the girl got mad and stopped calling. Never invited to a birthday party so far this year and school started early August.

Have you ever met someone, that didn't really do anything wrong but for some reason you didn't like them? That is my dd. Even adults don't warm to her and treat her less. In baton they get "dollars" every class and then turn them in once a month for rewards. My dd always gets half what the other girls in the class get. ALWAYS. I watch from outside to see if she is acting out...she isn't. She is never in trouble. She actually is much quieter than some of the other girls that have to be called down constantly. Her behavior in school is a "1" according to her teacher, yet her teacher just doesn't care for her. So it isn't that she is being bad. In gymnastics she is average, yet they won't let her on the team. She is doing the same skills (and more than some) as other girls on the team. I asked why and got a shrug and told,"We don't feel she is team material. We just don't want her." No real reason. Even they didn't seem to know why. Do you think there is a chemical that people excrete that makes them unlikeable?

I feel so bad for my poor dd. I know she can be sharp tongued, but compared to some of the little pre-teen girls in my dd's groups, she is nothing.

 

[grinningghost]

I'm so sorry that she's having to deal with this. Girls of that age are just plain nasty, especially when they get in groups. I think everyone's little girl experiences it from time to time.

It may just be that she hasn't met any friends that really "click" with her. My DD has never had a "best" friend. She tends to float from friend to friend, depending on the situation, and that suits her just fine. She's not a BFF person, she does her own thing and is happy that way. Maybe your DD is like that too.

As for the baton class - I think you're on to something there. My DD has been in dance since she was 4 (she's 16 now) and that atmosphere can be downright brutal. It's cliquey, the moms are gossips and it trickles right down to the teachers and the students. I really wish she would quit, but she won't. I don't even go into the dance studio unless I absolutely have to. I hate it there.

Good luck to her. Until then, maybe I could send her a card or something? Just a nice little surprise in the mail? If you think she'd like that, PM me.

 

[mtblujeans]

I think some kids just come into their own at a different time than others. If she is in elementary school, her status will probably change as she gets older and perhaps moves on to a bigger school.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I think that some kids come across as more likable than other kids. Some kids are quieter and don't stand out, basically they cruise under the radar. Some kids are not liked because they are obnoxious, which doesn't sound like the case with your daughter.

I was concerned about my 5yo son. At home he's very physical and doesn't know when to keep his hands to himself. I was worried that when he went to kindergarten that kids were not going to like that and would therefore have a problem with him. (as we speak he's in the front yard tackling his older brother LOL). I'll find out more at his November conference, but so far things seem to be going ok. He is very gregarious and I think that other kids like that. I know that as obnoxious as what he can act at home, strangers love him because he is not shy, will ask questions of them and engage them in conversations.

Some kids are not that way and it's a bit harder for other people to warm up to them.

Have you tried asking a trusted adult? Also, if you have some insecurity about this your daugher might be sensing it. Maybe gymnastics isn't the sport for her. How about karate, or another type of martial art? That is a very individual activity that might help give her some confidence in herself. Perhaps you need to sit back and not get so wrapped up in exactly how others are reacting to your DD (I hope that doesn't sound mean--it's a difficult thing and it's hard not to get wrapped up in our children to this degree).

Maybe invite a child from her class over to play. These small playdates might help your DD and they'll help others get to know her.

 

[goofyforlife]

My DD has trouble making friends too....

Never gets the party invites...picked at school for anything...Think I have the wrong last name or not enough money or whatever...

My DD is 12 and in 7th grade....She does baton too (and poms)...
Would your DD like a pen pal?

 

[CathrynRose]

Have you ever met someone, that didn't really do anything wrong but for some reason you didn't like them? That is my dd. Even adults don't warm to her and treat her less.
.

Heyyy - your daughter is me!!!

I was her. I dont even know what to tell you. I know once people get to know me, I am more liked - but I am never initially liked by anyone ever - truly. Ive been fired from jobs (for no other reason - things were made up even ( )

I dont know what to tell you - I wish I had an answer. I can tell you, the friends I do have are incredibly loyal - amazing people. And I'd rather have those then a bunch of fake people (which is what I see with people whom are "well liked" )

 

[mtblujeans]

My DD has trouble making friends too....

Never gets the party invites...picked at school for anything...Think I have the wrong last name or not enough money or whatever...

My DD is 12 and in 7th grade....She does baton too (and poms)...
Would your DD like a pen pal?

This is a very good idea!!

 

[Tigger&Belle]

My DD has trouble making friends too....

Never gets the party invites...picked at school for anything...Think I have the wrong last name or not enough money or whatever...

My DD is 12 and in 7th grade....She does baton too (and poms)...
Would your DD like a pen pal?

Is your DD quiet and not into all the preteen girl silliness? My 12yo son can't stand it when girls are giggly and silly and just rolls his eyes (he does the same to me when I'm silly, too ). So, if you're DD is quieter we'll have to fix them up when they're older since we're only in Montgomery County.

Seriously, though, sometimes the girls that seem to be popular are the ones that are so giddy and stupid acting (that sounds bad, no offense meant). My DD was a lot quieter. She had friends, but was not the social butterfly that some girls seem to be.

 

[septbride2002]

My brother was one of those kids. He was just quite and would rather be doing his own thing then doing what everyone wanted to do. If he didn't have anything to say to you, then he didn't say it. My Aunt comments on this all the time - that my brother wasn't a good kid Yes he was - you just didn't get him. He never had a BFF either, he just sort of rolled with the punches.

He has grown up to be a rather responsible young man and is going through life just fine. I think that your daughter is probably more of a loner anyway and unless she tells you, it probably doesn't bother her that she isn't invited to parties. If she is like my brother, she would rather not go anyway.

~Amanda

 

[CathrynRose]

OH - and in addition to me.... my 10 DS has no friends.


The black cloud of gloom I had as a child - apparently is in the genes.

Its stinks too - cuz he is so funny, so cool - but so sensitive. He acts like it doesnt bother him, but I know it does. No birthdays, no phone calls - nothing.

He'll even call these few kids on our block "can you play?" They'll say- no, and all be outside together playing, shortly afterwards. He's called me CRYING a couple times over the summer with that one.

 

[goofyforlife]

Mine isn't as giddy as some but I've seen worse...much worse....

Hmmm. 12yo boy....T&B I'll keep that in mind if she needs a dance date.

 

[ChrisnSteph]

My 9 year old (in my siggy) is an extremely shy, nervous and timid child. Always has been. We've even though of getting her some professional help, but then thought that maybe that might make it worse. She's got friends, but for example, say we visit my dh at the fire station, she won't say hi to anyone unless I prod her, and when she does you can hardly hear her. She cowers next to me. It's embarrassing, but people have a hard time warming up to her because of it. Once she gets to know you she's great, but it's hard to get there sometimes. Some people perceive her as being rude, snotty or cold, but she's a very sweet, kind, and giving child, once you get to know her.

 

[Anne34]

My DD12 seems to be going through some of the same things. Her best friend since 2nd grade has decided she needs "new" friends and has been lying to my daughter and telling her things that are totally not true. She has a couple other girls she calls from time to time, but has a hard time doing this. She is very quiet and doesn't like to rock the boat. I worry about her (but my husband is the same way). I agree about 7th grade girls being "cliquey and mean". I have been their Girl Scout leader since K and this group of girls is usually nice, but in recent years the girls are hanging out with their own "groups."

Its a tough age. Our Junior high has the same group of kids that all started together in Kindergarten. High school will be different since 3or 4 Junior highs all go there (over 3,000 kids).

Hopefully this phase will pass quickly!!

 

[mickeyfan2]

I know your daughter is great and it will get better.

I do have a nephew that nobody likes .... but ..... he says and does odd things. He seems to have an anger problem. Many of us think he has something wrong with the noggin. His parents are also odd and see themselves and him as normal. When the mom asks why others think this way about her son, we try to tactfully point it out to her. Then she states that all X year olds do that. We say no, only yours.

 

[princesspumpkin]

I am sorry that you and your DD have to go thru this. But, sometimes people can put out "vibes" without saying anything. Non verbal communication can be very threatening. Silence can be powerful. One of my best friends is like that. She intimidates people and can put them off with her opinions as well as her silence. She doesn't have a lot of friends. But she is loyal to the ones she has. She can't see how her "non-behavior" affects others, but i can (and i still love her). I have no advice except that your DD isn't alone.

 

[Mermaid02]

My 8 year old son is like this. He's very bright and frankly, I think that turns some other kids off. His teacher commented at our conference this week, "I think Jack would be very much at home at an adult party." He likes adults, but still wants to play with kids. Sometimes the neighbor children pretend they aren't home.

I do know how hard it is.

 

[tone.def]

Sadly, that is how some girls can be... I remember being shunned in elementary school because we came from a "poorer" family... my clothes were hand-me-downs, used, not the brand new styles, wrong colour, wrong label, I had braces, I had glasses, I was taller than all my classmates, just really awkward and I was smarter than everyone else, I won the spelling bees, book club awards, math competitions, science fairs... I was called everything from browner to nosepicker to geek to loser and even when I couldn't take it any more and cried in the school yard at recess, the teachers did nothing to help me nor could they say anything comforting for me. It got to the point where my Mom had to come pick me up for lunch every day just to get me out of there.

When I hit high school, it all changed. My parents were in a better spot financially, I got a part time job, I had clothes that were "cool", I started colouring my hair and getting it cut different ways, there were kids smarter than me, many had caught up in height and I made lots of good girl friends (and boyfriends!)... Suddenly some of those girls who couldn't stand me in grades 1-8 wanted to be my friends and wanted to know what I was doing on the weekend - but they weren't that cool in high school, so I gave them a taste of their own medicine and told them "where the party was", or I mean where it wasn't...

University was even better! Tell your daughter to hang in there. Soon enough the classmates that make fun of her now will by dying to be her friends. It's tough for her to believe now, but it will happen and she'll have better character than anyone and she will succeed in life.

 

[va32h]

I can sympathize;I had a pretty hard time making friends in school. I was a cynical kid, read a lot, didn't do any physical activities. I never had the ability to fake an interest in something that bored me, which you sometimes need to do to sustain a friendship.

Aside from that, there really is an "it" factor - some indescribable quality that makes some people popular and others not.

Some years I would have one good friend, but that was usually it. I finally hit my stride in my senior year of high school. I found a group of misfits who were just like me - and we became our own clique. I'll never forget the looks on the popular kids' faces when they would see us laughing together, or talking about parties we'd had. They really couldn't believe people like us could have fun.

Part of it came from finally accepting that I am the way I am, and can't possibly fake being anything else - and that what I was wasn't so bad.

I wish I had good advice for you - my mother did the best she could. If I wanted to buy trendy clothes, she'd do what she could afford. She'd let me invite people over, if I was trying to make friends. And I could join any club or activity I wanted (that she could afford - but this was back in the day when schools had clubs you didn't have to pay for).

But other than that, she just accepted that I was a solitary kid. When I would cry and say "why doesn't anyone like me" she would say "I don't know - there isn't any reason" which didn't seem comforting at the time, but upon reflection, was a pretty good answer.

Ironically, my oldest dd is very popular. She is outgoing, beloved by teachers, the girl all the boys in class like, invited all over the place. Everything I wasn't! There are times when the little 9 yo inside me is jealous of her, in fact!

I don't know if it is supposed to be karmic retribution for me, or for all the popular girls I wanted to be.

 

[nativetxn]

I have a niece who was like that until she was about 21. She had a bad attitude, was rude and arrogant with adults and downright mean to her classmates.

I'm not saying that your daughter is like this, I'm just describing my niece.

My sister did believe that her daughter was simply misunderstood and that she could do no wrong. It wasn't helpful.

When my niece was about 21 she decided that she no longer wanted to be avoided and disliked by her peers. She also realized why she was being avoided and disliked. She changed her attitude and is now a loving, caring and delightful young woman.

Those first 21 years were painful though

I hope things get better for your daughter. Sometimes young people can just be mean and I'm sorry your daughter is experiencing this first hand.

Katholyn

 

[Brier Rose]

I posted something similar to this last night about my dd. She is homeschooled and we just moved to a new town, so she joined a group class that she was interested in, and she is the ONLY one who doesn't know anybody.

She is so sweet, and always makes an effort to speak to the other girls, but they just won't give her the time of day. They're not mean to her, but they just don't talk to her.

It breaks my heart, but it doesn't seem to bother her a bit. She is 13, but she acts more like 18! She is very mature for her age. Sometimes I wonder if that is the problem.

She had a best friend for several years, but they quit hanging out when my DD wasn't into the whole boy drama thing. That's all most of the girls that age around here seem to care about. DD likes boys..don't get me wrong, she just has her priorites in order.

She's just different...like maybe your DD is. I think people can pick up on that some how.

I think there is nothing worse than feeling like your children are getting their feelings hurt.