Does anyone agree that surprises are a way to control people? (updade in OP)

[Jennasis]

I think giving surprise gifts usually comes from a place of genuine good intentions, but there is part of it that is about the giver.

For example, last year I gave my nephew a horse for Christmas. I was super stoked to do it. There are other minute details of the situation but ultimately his reaction was barely acknowledging that I gave him anything. I was deflated at his blase reaction, but I ultimately realized that just because I would've given my left arm and eye teeth for a horse of my own as a kid doesn't mean he would too. I suppose a part of me expected he was going to be as over the moon as I would have been at that age.

 

[disykat]

I'll agree with you OP. I don't think it's ALWAYS the case, but it can be. My husband knows that I want input on vacations and big purchases, so he would never surprise me like that. If he continued to make those decisions on his own under the guise of a surprise after knowing this, yes, I would consider that controlling.

My first assumption was that the wife in this case has made it clear to her DH. Why would she not have? If so, I agree that he's being controlling.

I also don't get why people are getting so snarky. OP asked if anyone else felt this way.

 

[Uncle Remus]

It sounds like your brother in law does as he wants and then calls it a surprise.

 

[diznygirl]

I don't get the snark and hostility in the replies. I have not personally attacked anyone.

So, nevermind

You asked. The Dis answered.


I agree with others that it's not controlling behavior. That's not the right word. Maybe selfish or irresponsible would describe your examples better.

 

[marlynnp]

My goodness! I see I touched a nerve here, WOW! I know, because I know these people. Like my sister who wanted a quiet birthday with family only. If she hinted anything yo her DH (I don't know if she did or not, it would have been that she didn't want guests. I know that because she told me. She also told me doesn't like Cruising in winter. THat's how I know, get it?

Well, that's nice but maybe she ought to TELL HER HUSBAND! If she's just complains to you, she has no one to blame but herself.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I think so and I hate surprises.

for example, take my sister. It was her birthday and she came to pick us up to have a birthday lunch with her. Oh the way she told us how happy she was to have a quiet, laid back afternoon with just us. But her husband had invited friends over without consulting her who kept arriving all afternoon. So my sister spent her birthday running around playing hostess.

This guy is big on surprises. He surprises her with vacations...it's a surprise, you know, so she doesn't have any input about time, destination, etc -for example, he "he surprised" her with a cruise for February.
Later on she told me she doesn't like to cruise during winter. I just keep my mouth shut about it.

I know other people who push bug, expensive stuff on others, like bedroom sets and big pieces of furniture in the guise of a surprise. It drives me nuts!

I don't like them because I accidentally figure them out. The person surprising usually commits an error in "keeping it from me".

So I would love a true surprise.

I don't think they are ways to control people.

If he surprised her with friends, HE should have been playing host.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I think so and I hate surprises.

for example, take my sister. It was her birthday and she came to pick us up to have a birthday lunch with her. Oh the way she told us how happy she was to have a quiet, laid back afternoon with just us. But her husband had invited friends over without consulting her who kept arriving all afternoon. So my sister spent her birthday running around playing hostess.

This guy is big on surprises. He surprises her with vacations...it's a surprise, you know, so she doesn't have any input about time, destination, etc -for example, he "he surprised" her with a cruise for February.
Later on she told me she doesn't like to cruise during winter. I just keep my mouth shut about it.

I know other people who push bug, expensive stuff on others, like bedroom sets and big pieces of furniture in the guise of a surprise. It drives me nuts!

Maybe it's your sister who has control issues

 

[Skywalker]

Yeah, he throws his wife surprise birthday parties and takes her on cruises. What a gigantic jerk he is?

 

[mom2rtk]

Yeah, he throws his wife surprise birthday parties and takes her on cruises. What a gigantic jerk he is?

Well, if she ended up playing hostess on her birthday, then it wasn't the right move.

But none of us knows whether she really had to play hostess or just did regardless.

 

[Magpie]

I think giving surprise gifts usually comes from a place of genuine good intentions, but there is part of it that is about the giver.

For example, last year I gave my nephew a horse for Christmas. I was super stoked to do it. There are other minute details of the situation but ultimately his reaction was barely acknowledging that I gave him anything. I was deflated at his blase reaction, but I ultimately realized that just because I would've given my left arm and eye teeth for a horse of my own as a kid doesn't mean he would too. I suppose a part of me expected he was going to be as over the moon as I would have been at that age.

Your story about your nephew and the horse reminds me of this:

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-expectations-undermine-our-relationships-and-happiness/

Like the author of that article, my mother has a tendency to mentally write what we refer to as her "scripts". She'll arrange some big event with a very specific idea in mind of how everyone's going to react. But, she never shares her script with anyone else, so none of us know our parts, and none of us behave the way she wants us to and her perfect plan inevitably falls apart. And yes, sometimes, in trying to rescue her script and force us all into our proscribed roles, she'll come across as controlling and pushy.

But that's not the same as "giving gifts as a way to control us". She genuinely loves us and wants to make us happy, and - more than anything - confirm that we actually love her, too. Special outings are my mother's "love language". She's just really, really bad at putting herself in anyone else's shoes and seeing things from their perspective.

I think the OP's sister needs to TALK to her husband. If it takes a family therapist to help her figure out how to make the talking happen, then she should hire a family therapist.

It takes two to create a toxic dynamic. I know it's natural to want to take her sister's side in things, but the OP should try to refrain from putting all the blame on her sister's husband. He's not the only person setting the tone of this relationship. Her sister is an adult, and needs to speak up for herself.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

To me most surprises are great and not intended with ill will. I enjoy small suprises for the most part.

Last year for Christmas my husband got me the Castle Silhouette Figurine from Hallmark. I literally just said in passing "aww honey look at that I love that" and then never said anything else about it. Now that was a good surprise because I wasn't expecting it.

I personally wouldn't want to be suprised with big ticket items but that's me. I also don't know anyone around me who would do that either. My husband wouldn't just up and surprise me with a vacation and that's because he would want my input, opinions, etc. Vacation planning isn't one-side for us as a couple so it wouldn't be in his mind to just say "hey we're going to __ " and that's the end of the discussion.

As to the controlling aspect surprising with big ticket items in itself to me doesn't scream controlling but it could be if other facets of their day to day lives tended to lean towards controlling. I don't know the couple so I don't really have more to add on that part.

Either way sounds like the couple needs to discuss the whole surprise thing as a whole.

 

[low-key]

I done a few surprises

 

[cmarsh31]

I see your point, because I have a good friend whose soon-to-be-ex does the same thing. Cars, vacations, etc - "surprises". There are many reasons why he's a stbx but these things pile up (therapist has told him flat out that he has to discuss all big decisions with her... he's still doing it, very controlling, borderline scary).

 

[CarolAnn856]

If it's done repeatedly, and the recipient tells the giver that they aren't happy about it, then yes, it could be a control issue. But to think that all, or even just all "big" surprises, are an attempt to control others is making a rather ridiculous assumption, IMO.

 

[Bluestars]

My DH would absolutely hate having to plan any vacation, we would end up staying in Motel 6 down the street and going to McDonald's for dinner. He is NOT a planner. He would rather I take care of everything so he can just show up.

How funny! That's exactly how my husband is too. I would love it if he would surprise me with a cruise. He is not the planner though. If he were to plan something, it would be similar to what you said. In that case, it's good that he doesn't surprise me. I always plan everything and we have a great time.

I can see how being constantly surprised with things I didn't want would be annoying. If my husband was like that, I would make my feelings very clear about what I liked and didn't like so that he would have a better idea of surprising me in a good way.

 

[manning]

Insecurity on his part?

 

[ronandannette]

Maybe it's your sister who has control issues

I so totally agree. Lots of people are really uncomfortable NOT being in control, like in the situation of a surprise, that they'll actually get angry if something unplanned occurs. They seldom recognize how their behaviour dominates their relationships.

Your story about your nephew and the horse reminds me of this:
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-expectations-undermine-our-relationships-and-happiness/
Like the author of that article, my mother has a tendency to mentally write what we refer to as her "scripts". She'll arrange some big event with a very specific idea in mind of how everyone's going to react. But, she never shares her script with anyone else, so none of us know our parts, and none of us behave the way she wants us to and her perfect plan inevitably falls apart. And yes, sometimes, in trying to rescue her script and force us all into our proscribed roles, she'll come across as controlling and pushy.

But that's not the same as "giving gifts as a way to control us". She genuinely loves us and wants to make us happy, and - more than anything - confirm that we actually love her, too. Special outings are my mother's "love language". She's just really, really bad at putting herself in anyone else's shoes and seeing things from their perspective.

I think the OP's sister needs to TALK to her husband. If it takes a family therapist to help her figure out how to make the talking happen, then she should hire a family therapist.

It takes two to create a toxic dynamic. I know it's natural to want to take her sister's side in things, but the OP should try to refrain from putting all the blame on her sister's husband. He's not the only person setting the tone of this relationship. Her sister is an adult, and needs to speak up for herself.

If I recall hearing about this incident last Christmas, the poster "gave" the nephew a horse that lived and would continue to live on her farm. I think he was located pretty far away and wouldn't really be able to enjoy it. No wonder the response was kind of "meh".

 

[Jennasis]

If I recall hearing about this incident last Christmas, the poster "gave" the nephew a horse that lived and would continue to live on her farm. I think he was located pretty far away and wouldn't really be able to enjoy it. No wonder the response was kind of "meh".

Yep. His reaction played much different in my head when I came up with the idea LOL. Sometimes you gotta take a step back and say "what was I thinking"? On the plus side, I understand he is excited to be coming to see "his" horse in February. He'll be spending a week here. I'm gonna keep my expectations realistic this time!

 

[sailorstitch]

This reminds me of a story about my grandma.... Grandma has been gone for over 10 years now. I don't know when this happened, but it was a really long time ago.

There was this family that my grandma was friends with. One day my grandma decided that this family needed a new set of dishes. My grandma went out and bought a set of dishes. She took the new dishes over to the family's house, went into their kitchen, took their old dishes out of the cupboard, threw the old dishes in the trash and put the new dishes in the cupboard! After she left the family took their old dishes out of the trash and put them back in the cupboard. (Hopefully washing them first!)

Yes, my grandma was a MAJOR control freak!
sailorstitch

 

[Magpie]

If I recall hearing about this incident last Christmas, the poster "gave" the nephew a horse that lived and would continue to live on her farm. I think he was located pretty far away and wouldn't really be able to enjoy it. No wonder the response was kind of "meh".

Well, when I was a little girl, you could have given me a photo of a pony that lived in another country, told me it was "mine" and I'd have totally lost my mind and immediately started writing pen pal letters to the beast. But, I was really into horses.

It's really easy to fall into the trap of giving people things you'd enjoy, rather than giving them things they'd enjoy. I've done it to my own husband on more than one occasion (though less often these days, as I've gotten better at gift giving over the years).