Do You Still Discipline Your Older Teens?

[bratray]

hi

DS 18 & DD 17- not bad kids- both graduating from HS this year- caught DS18 drinking beer in house- he was in basement rec room with a friend- i always pop my head down to see what is going on & this time when i looked he had his face in a trash can- throwing up

well, he was sick from too much drinking- i decided to wait till the next day to talk to him- DH feels that he should be punished- but how do you punish a "young man" i kind of felt that DS18 kinda punished himself by being sick & having a hang over the next day....hopefully he will learn his lesson

DH still insists on punishing him- anyone have any thoughts or suggestions on this- do you think at the age of 18 this is too old for punishments?

thanks

 

[Serena]

He's in your house, he did not follow the rules. I'm not sure what kind of punishment this deserves, but don't feel that because he's 18 that you don't have the right to enforce rules in your house.

 

[poohandwendy]

do you think at the age of 18 this is too old for punishments?

LOL, ask a police officer, district atty or judge...

I agree with Serena. Also, if throwing up/hangovers were a deterrent for future alcohol abuse... well, the roads would be much safer than they are right now...

 

[Deb T.]

You definitely need to have a long talk with ds and make sure he understands that in no way do you approve of his behavior. Punishment at that age can be things like taking away driving priviliges, grounding, imposing an earlier curfew, etc. Yes, he was very sick, but he also probably enjoyed the high he felt prior to getting sick, and that's what makes people go back for more.

Good luck

 

[KimRaye]

In response to your thread title..Yes, when needed. Thankfully, I haven't had to with my DS-16, yet. (Driving privileges comes to mind as a 'punishment' tho)

I just wonder how/why your DS-18 felt 'comfortable' drinking, and getting to a 'throwing-up' state, in your home, before you 'popped in'?!?!?!

Excessive, in-home alcohol abuse?? Makes ya wonder.

JMO, really.

 

[auntpolly]

DD is 20 and still hasn't figured out that I really can't tell her what to do.

I know what you mean about when they get to that age -- the old punishments don't fit. I tend to stress more how the law will punish her if she gets caught drinking underage than anything. But it's also a matter of respect for you and for your home. Tell him if he wants respect from you, he'll have to give it in return.

How does your family feel about drinking? We are not against it, but we have rules. Since she has been 18 we allow her to have a few drinks once in awhile as long as she tells us, doesn't drive, and doesn't use a fake ID. If she's caught disobeying, we would take away her car -- for a long, long, long time. She would also be my indentured service indefinitely. We've never had a problem -- ever. As long as everybody understands and has agreed to the rules we're OK!

 

[powellrj]

wow, been there done that. Punishing an older teen is really tough. Think long and hard before you suspend driving because you may be the one punished more on that one. (ds went to co-op in the afternoon), so unless your teen has nothing school related that he has to drive to maybe taking the car away would be an idea, but otherwise you will be the one driving to all school related functions. We found the best way to get our point across was extra chores, that didn't always work, but it did make our point.

A little of topic, but when DS was home over Christmas last year, he was still a minor, but he came home amazed at all of his friends parents that offered him a beer when he went to visit. Luckly he knew he had too much to lose if he were to get caught drinking so he refused and its a good thing because he was pulled over twice while he was home for drunk driving road blocks.

Good Luck!

 

[auntpolly]

Originally posted by powellrj
wow, been there done that. Punishing an older teen is really tough. Think long and hard before you suspend driving because you may be the one punished more on that one.

ha! you're soooo right! But when I've taken away DD's car, it makes me even more grumpy and unpleasant since I had to drive her around so it made it even more of a deterrent for her!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Well in your case it would depend on how far I would go....

I would include volunteer work in the community as "punishment". Maybe if there is something related to teen drinking in your area have him volunteer with that or work along side him as well. Kind of "plug in" to him and see what is going on.

 

[shortbun]

I'm really against teens drinking. The punishment for this will
be hard to come up with. He was in your house, wasn't driving
and was it your beer or had he bought it illegally? Is he out of
High School or entering his senior year? What "privileges" are
you still in control of? Car? Money? How sick was he and could
you tell if he drank a lot or a little to get sick-indicating if it was
a first time experience. Yep, I'd punish him if I had something he
wanted. It would be a short one if he was a first timer accompanied by a talk with an addiction counselor. I'd probably
require community service of him as he has too much time on
his hands. Maybe a shelter or soup kitchen would be good. You
could do it as a family strengthening those bonds at the same time. This is a very important time and your re-action or action
is critical. I might also consider not keeping alcohol around the
house for a while as he has shown a propensity for making bad
choices at home.

 

[Lynn CC]

I don't have any experience with this but what comes to mind is maybe it's the influences he's hanging around. They say kids never drink alone. Maybe it's time to see what he and his "friends" are up to and have a talk with your DS about putting his energies in more positive activities.
I guess what I'm saying is that I wouldn't allow him to see that "friend" anymore, maybe he'd find a new one and plan different, more healthy, ways to spend their time together.
If he doesn't find a new friend, well he'll have a lot of time alone to think about what he's done. This may sound rediculous for an 18 year old, but he's still underage and living with you.
{HUGS}


I should also edit to add that DH and I don't drink, only on occassion will we have a glass of wine if we are out to dinner and not always then either. So DS knows how we feel about irresponsible drinking.

 

[sweet angel]

When I was in Jr. High, my friend and I snuck a couple of beers from her dad's fridge. Her younger sister ratted us out (after I left) and her dad make her drink until she threw up. The following day, he woke her up early, talked LOUDLY all day, wouldn't let her nap, had her doing chores, etc.

Probably not the best course of action, but it was pretty funny at the time because she got caught and I didn't. If my parents knew, I'd probably still be grounded.

 

[auntpolly]

This is not an excuse for problem drinking but I'm not sure if all of you understand how many kids drink. My DD would tell you that if your kids are telling you that they don't drink they are probably lying to you.

That said, I think it's important to incorporate realism with your punishment. It's like when we were in college and they used to tell us lies about marijuana to make us stay away from it - we just laughed at them and then we didn't listen to anything they said. Unless you see this becoming a habit, punish him, but don't make him go to alcoholism lectures or anything. He'll just think you are crazy and you'll lose any credibility that you have.

 

[Mskanga]

I'm 41 years old, and if she could my mom would still discipline me , just like she did when I was 24 and living at home.
Talk to the kids, it doesn't hurt. Tell them the truth. My father was an alcoholic and I know all too well what alcohol can do. There are far too many things they could lose for a few hours of fun while drinking, not worth it IMO.

 

[hentob]

I would NOT punish him. He is 18. He drank alcohol. Yes, he broke the law ( a ridiculous one in the first place--"Hey, you are an adult. You can do EVERYTHING an adult does--Even go fight in a war. Oh, but sorry--No beer for you" ).

Have a talk with him. Make sure he isn't an alcoholic, which I doubt he is. Most important, talk about drinking and driving. Explain that you you are not comfortable with him drinking in your house. Talk to him. Treat him like an adult.

If he is going away to college, I can guarentee you he will be drinking. I would concentrate more on safety issues (drinking and driving, alcohol poisoning, respectful behavior towards women while drunk, etc.). Don't yell. Don't scream. It won't work.

Talk to your son like an adult. You will get wonderful results. I promise,

 

[bratray]

I just wonder how/why your DS-18 felt 'comfortable' drinking, and getting to a 'throwing-up' state, in your home, before you 'popped in'?!?!?!

well, being that he is 18 i don't feel the need to hire a babysitter for him when we go out- and we were out that evening- unfortunately as much as i would like to moniter my teens every move...that is impossible

yes, i have a glass of wine occassionally ....but it just gives me a headache so it is just for special occassions

i don't agree with underage drinking, in or outside of my home & this is the first time that i have "caught" him drinking- he stated an older friend bought the beer (not the other kid at my house at the time) when i see this boy i will give him a piece of my mind

...he said he had a beer at new years but this is the first time he had more then one- but as far as i'm concerned 1, 2 or 3 is still too many for an 18 yr old

i didn't take away his driving but fri, sat & sun instead of hanging out with his friends he will be "hanging out"with mom he isn't happy about this but i told him i will not tolerate underage drinking in my home ....of course i won't be able to control his every move when he goes away to college next year but i just want him to know that i won't tolerate it and it is against the law to drink underage

thanks for all your comments

 

[Tigger&Belle]

As I tell my 16yo daughter, as long as I am contributing to her support then I make the rules. When she is on her own she can do what she wants, but not until then. She already thinks that she should be able to do the computer whenever she wants, talk on the phone for hours (even on her cell during peak time--better at that now, though since she had to pay for all those minutes), not be held accountable for her grades, etc. She doesn't have her license yet, but when she does it will be a constant battle (she won't have her own car until she can buy it and she will expect to always drive my DH car--won't happen unless there is an actual reason).

I've told her that my job is to grow her into a responsible adult. So far it's working and she only does the minor things to get into trouble (talking back, etc). And only one more year before she goes to college. But, she has 3 younger brothers....

T&B

 

[sweet angel]

Am I the only one who admits to drinking before I was of legal age?

 

[OhMari]

i didn't take away his driving but fri, sat & sun instead of hanging out with his friends he will be "hanging out"with mom he isn't happy about this but i told him i will not tolerate underage drinking in my home ....of course i won't be able to control his every move when he goes away to college next year but i just want him to know that i won't tolerate it and it is against the law to drink underage

Good for you bratray. It is such a hard decision to make on what to do. I know a lot of parents like to duck their head in sand about this and think their kids will never drink, but thank God he was at home when it happened.

I'm not saying it is right, but at least you were there when it happened and he didn't die of alcohol poisoning. Some of these kids get to college, never ever had a drink and have no clue what can happen to them.

I was not a happy camper either when I had to stay up the whole nite checking on my oldest son when he was 18 and puking all nite. His sister did the same thing almost a year later when she turned 18. The next day they knew I was up all nite with them, and they both received the same punishment that you gave your son. 2 weekends with mom, (and did we clean).

They are both in college now, son is 22 and dd is 20, I know they drink, but both have said, they usually are the designated drivers because no one else will take the responsibility, sad isn't it.

 

[Kallison]

I would also make sure that he knows that he can call you any time night or day if he or his friends have been drinking for a ride home. I think you gave a good punishment, what could be worse than spending time with your Mom when you are 18 .

The throwing up may cure him for awhile, but I doubt it will cure him from drinking again if he has already started.