Do you have an "Ex" that drives you insane?!

[Thinktinknpixiedust]

My Ex husband and I have been divorced for over 10 years now. We have 2 amazing sons, 15 and 12. One would of thought that the years would have smoothed out the wrinkles of dealing with each other and communication should be just a bit easier. I swear to you it is only more difficult. He has a MAJOR case of selective memory and a major control issue. Because of work I moved when we divorced, but the kids stayed with him, for 2 reasons. 1. changing schools wasn't something anyone looked forward to 3. He would have turned legal battles into a 3 ring circus. So no matter who won, the kids would have suffered greatly. I love my kids enough to know when to back off. Trust me, it was with a heavey heart and alot of soul searching that I did not "fight" for custody. However, in the divorce we were granted joint custody with his residence being the primary one (contingent on him moving, and he hasn't in 10 years) So we split weekends, alternate holidays, and split summers right down the middle. Sounds simple right? Not in his world, weekends get switched around on his say and summer vacations that have been 3 weeks with me, then 3 weeks with him have magically become 2 weeks with me 2 weeks with him (as of 20 minutes ago) He says we have always done it that way, even though I have the old calenders to prove that in fact no we haven't, He talks in such circles that even I scratch my head after a few minutes. Months ago, and I mean months ago, I told him that we needed to work out the summer schedule because my husband was only allotted a certain time to take vacation and we were about to make our reservations and put down our deposit. "We'll talk about it later," over and over and over that is what I heard. Finally, this evening I called and said that we had to talk about it now. The kids are done with school in just a couple of weeks and there were other things as well going on that I need to plan wether I had the boys or not. And hence forth this is when the 2 week thing came into play. and amazingly enough he is supposed to have the kids back right in the middle of our 2 week trip to Disney!! He has known these dates for months, but has "selected" to forget that I have told him numerous times. And now he is making a GIANT deal out of this and pretty much acting like a 3 year old. For 10 years I have tried to deal with him logically, calmly, and usually I wind up on the short end of the stick when we "comprimise". However, I have had it. When is enough enough. I am tired of being his doormat!

Thank you for letting me vent. I feel like you fellow disers are like family. My question is "Am I alone??" I can't be the only one trying to be the adult and getting @*&%($ in the meantime. How do you deal with it without turning it into a 3 ring circus or the kids being adversly affected (even more than they already are)?

 

[FionaLovesShrek]

I keep my mouth shut and trust me, in this situation it isn't easy. When my DD is not around I vent like a steam engine...poor DH. But he smiles at me and we just keep chugging. Not a week goes by that my DD's father doesn't pull something. He plans things on my weekends with her, planned a two week WDW vacation without asking me if it was ok, and gave me the itinerary the day they left! He didn't even let her go to school long enough to get her report card. They flew out the last day of school. I recently found out he has been pulling her out of school early at least twice a week all year long! If I try to say anything, he makes me out to be the one causing trouble (in front of my child), so its best to let it go and hope someday she can see his manipulations. She's been gone a week now and she calls every day. She doesn't want me to get off the phone. They have one more week at WDW, and she hasn't even wanted to ride her favorite rides. She hasn't been swimming like she normally would. She is sleeping in till noon (her Dad can't get her up) and then she wants to stay at the hotel instead of hitting the parks. I think he may have done himself in this time. She told me this evening she can't wait to come home. If I were with her, she be wearing me out running to and fro, the kid LOVES Disney! So I'm worried about my baby No...you're not alone.

 

[wdw4us]

I don't have an ex as I've been married almost 32 years. I do hav a friend that was divorced when her child was young. Both her and her ex had agreed from the start that they would put their daughter first in everything and they have. She has 2 bedrooms and goes between the 2 houses often. The mother has primary custody but the husband doesn't "pay" he does odd jobs for the mom to pay his share. He is very handy and re-did her cabinets, floors etc when he "owed" her child support. It is one of the most friendly divorces I have ever seen. Both of them have remarried and still no problems. She does have 2 extra parents that care about her now rather than her original 2.

So no it isn't all the same, some exes do think of the greater good, the child. Some day your sons will see the truth, actually at their age, I'm sure the see and know a lot. The don't need to know the whole truth,that may hurt them but a bit of a eye opener may come one day, be there to help them through it.

denise

 

[Thinktinknpixiedust]

Thank you two... I really needed to hear those words! Fionalovesshrek, it sounds like you and I are dealing with this in much the same way. I can honestly say that my boys do see all. I have remained true in many ways, but the most important is that I never talk bad about their dad to or in front of them, I am always honest even about the things I have done wrong, and they know that in a moments notice I am always there for them and they are my priority. They have both told me on numerous occasions in their own way that they see how he has manipulated things and they can't stand it. But he is just as controlling in such an uncontrolled way with them as well. I know that karma will come around, and in a way it already has, you should know about his 2nd wife... i think that even he regrets that. But anyhow thank you... and keep em coming. I think we all deserve a support group. "Parents that keep the childrens needs first and their mouths and ego's shut".

 

[FionaLovesShrek]

Keep your chin up I personally feel the most important thing I'll ever do is mother my child. So it's up to me to be the mother she deserves. That means being firm when she's hating me for doing it and remaining silent when she says something that hurts. And...taking what my ex dishes out so that she can hold on to her idea of Daddy as Prince Charming. The divorce was hard enough on her. I don't want her to grow up without dreams of a fairy tale ending. So I take the time to help her build her dreams, make wishes and pretend that anything is possible. Being a Mom may be the hardest thing we'll ever do, but oh, the rewards are worth it!

 

[Thinktinknpixiedust]

I know this may sound a bit corny, but Disney has certainly helped mend alot of wounds that the divorce caused. If fairys fly right over your head, then everything is going to be just fine! I'll tell you motherhood is something that I take great pride in. Anyone can have kids, but being a real "parent" is something else. I always feel so sad for the kids that get caught in the middle of an awful breakup and the parents are so busy trying to win that the kids real needs get lost in the meantime. Maybe I haven't been treated with the most fairness from the ex, but I know that I have given the kids the gift of fairness. They have seen through the "mistreatment of me" what happens when someone gets what they want. I am so happy it hasn't been at the expense of them.

 

[lindakmonty]

boy do I know where you are coming from. And it has just started for me. He just started seeing my ds5 in August!!! He and his new wife have pulled everything under the sun as well. We should start our own club! We know how it is and how it feels. The good thing you have going for you is your sons see this and they're smart enough to see it. They will resent him for it. I do know how you feel and sorry you have to go through this. It sucks. Thankfully my ds lives with me and I am the residential parent so I have the upperhand in that. He must have a personality disorder like my ex... someone here told me my ex must be narcissistic... I started reading about it and she was dead on! Good luck

 

[irishbosoxfan]

I wish you the best of luck! I know all to well what you are going thru and unfortunately I posted about it here and still to this day have to deal with snide remarks from some of the "family"! If they make their way here just don't let them get to you,hold your head high! As the non-custodial parent we have to deal with a myriad of issues and 98% of them are the ex's not the kids! All you can do is hold on tightly and know that one day the ex's issues will no longer be an issue and hope that everything you do do now will be remember in the future! Again I wish you the best of luck!!

 

[S. C.]

Yes ....,my ex DIL