Do you have a work spouse?

[dejr_8]

A work spouse is a co-worker (usually of the opposite sex)[1] with whom one shares a special relationship, having bonds similar to those of a marriage; such as, confidences, loyalties, shared experiences, and a degree of honesty or openness. The work spouse is a potentially key relationship when one's actual spouse or boy/girlfriend is not able to be there. As people work more and more and spend less and less time at home, these hybrid relationships have begun to spawn more and more.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Work_spouse

 

[Jennasis]

I would consider my DH having a relationship like that with a female coworker to be a form of infidelity.

 

[bdcp]

I would consider my DH having a relationship like that with a female coworker to be a form of infidelity.

Me too. I have many acquaintances and several friends at work but the only ones I have a close relationship with are other women. Work spouse is the most ridiculous term I've ever heard. My experience with coworkers who have work spouses is that they were having emotional and/or sexual affairs also. It's putting yourself in a situation that can turn wrong so quickly and easily. BTW, happily married 30 years, never needed/wanted/had a "work spouse" and neither has my DH.

LOL, The Today show has a segment on right now with valentines questions and the woman said, work spouse is asking for trouble and that you only get ONE spouse.

 

[wdwmom2]

Well, kinda, sorta. My "work wife" is the pediatrician I assist. I am a female, she is a female. During the week, I see her more than I see my hubby. I am her right hand, as she is mine. We depend on each other greatly!!! Like any relationship, we have our happy moments, and our "oh, REALLY" moments. We work great together, and our happy moments greatly out-weigh these moments!

And I do call her my "work wife" to her face. She just laughs with me and agrees.

 

[NMAmy]

LOL, The Today show has a segment on right now with valentines questions and the woman said, work spouse is asking for trouble and that you only get ONE spouse.

I JUST heard that segment and then saw this thread. That's the first time I've ever heard the phrase "work spouse" and then I saw it twice in like three minutes.

No, the only time I had a work spouse was when DH and I worked at the same place. That sounds like a terrible idea unless, you know, you're actually married.

 

[bicker]

I have two co-workers close to that characterization. One is of the opposte gender; the other is the same gender, but of the opposite sexual orientation. There is no aspect even remotely related to infidelity with regard to either of these friendships. I think the preconceived notion that all strong relationships with someone of the opposite gender must be such that the two parties would necessary be driven to infidelity is either a reflection of outdated perspective (having no relevance to people who are of a modern perspective) or perhaps instead just a reflection of the accuser's self-distrust.

 

[Jennasis]

I have two co-workers close to that characterization. One is of the opposte gender; the other is the same gender, but of the opposite sexual orientation. There is no aspect even remotely related to infidelity with regard to either of these friendships. I think the preconceived notion that all strong relationships with someone of the opposite gender must be such that the two parties would necessary be driven to infidelity is either a reflection of outdated perspective (having no relevance to people who are of a modern perspective) or perhaps instead just a reflection of the accuser's self-distrust.

What you describe are COLLEAGUES, or possibly friends.

My DH has several female friends at work. None of them rise to the level of "work-spouse".

 

[momx2]

I would consider my DH having a relationship like that with a female coworker to be a form of infidelity.

Ummm.... it really isn't. If you have a true work spouse, not a work crush. I have a male co-worker that I have worked with for 9 years. For most of this time he was not married, but I was. He got married about 3 years ago and had his first child about 18 months ago.

We work in the same office (I'm actually his supervisor) and share a court division together, so we are together alot and we depend on one another. I probably know him personally almost as well as his wife and he knows me that way too. There are a few personal things I haven't shared with him and I'm sure he is the same, but most things he knows.

He has shared my girls growing up. He wants to know all about them and genuinely cares for them and my husband. I have helped him with his girlfriends, his wife and miscarriages and his child being born. We are very close, like a best friend but, I can tell you I have never, ever had for one moment, a thought of anything else with him but friendship. He is like my best friend in a way, but nothing has ever even been hinted at in a sexual manner.

My DH knows him and likes him and knows we are close. His wife also knows we are close. Neither one of us, as far a I know, have ever had any issues with this with our spouses.

We do not communicate outside of work though, so maybe that would make a difference. We never go for drinks, talk on the phone or anything like that. We do go to lunch sometimes, but it is always with a group. He will every now and then, maybe once a month, send me a link to something he thinks I might find interesting, but that's it.

It doesn't have to an affair like relationship and it isn't with us. He is just like a best friend, but different because we spend so much time together. And, yes, I do love him dearly, kind of like a brother, but nothing else.

 

[bicker]

What you describe are COLLEAGUES, or possibly friends.

If what you're saying is true, then the term "work-spouse" is nothing more than a throw-away phrase used to label something in a nefarious manner, perhaps as an expression of jealousy. And I don't believe that that is the case.

The OP outlined the specifics that presumably were the parameters we should be considering: "confidences, loyalties, shared experiences, and a degree of honesty or openness" All of those apply to the two co-workers I was referring to. To be fair, both of them are fellow UUs, and those parameters are general tendencies of UUs in community with each other (sharing each other's experiences, and honesty/openness) so perhaps that skews things.

 

[bballmom56]

Do you have a work spouse?

No and neither does DH.

 

[bicker]

We do not communicate outside of work though, so maybe that would make a difference.

That raises the question in my mind about when someone goes from being "a co-worker with whom I'm friends" to "a friend I just happen to also work with".

I don't think it matters, though. One of my closest friends, before my wife and I moved up north - the person with whom I shared the closest confidences, even as my soon-to-be-wife and I investigated our feelings regarding marrying - was my ex, someone I turned down to go out with my soon-to-be-wife. As mature adults, it is possible to move past such things, and to adopt a tight relationship-between-friends, even between people of the opposite gender, and yes, even between two people who used to share a sexual relationship. It does not always happen; it probably happens very rarely; but it happens, is not naturally destined for disaster, and can be very successful for all concerned.

 

[FlyingDumbo]

I did at my former job. But rather than work "spouse" I would call it work "brother" or work family. He was also a close friend of dh so it was never an issue of trust or anything. Strictly platonic, but we were very close. It really just comes down to this, you spend 60+ hours a week at work, you are going to have some close friends there. We were both at each others weddings and our spouses are also very good friends.

 

[bicker]

I did at my former job. But rather than work "spouse" I would call it work "brother" or work family.

I really like this terminology. It very much encapsulates the nature of the relationship, far better than work "spouse".

 

[momx2]

But rather than work "spouse" I would call it work "brother" or work family.

Love that quote too. We are one, big dysfunctional family at my office, for the most part.

 

[Jennasis]

I really like this terminology. It very much encapsulates the nature of the relationship, far better than work "spouse".

Agreed! Something about using the term "work spouse" sits wrong in my craw. If DH felt close enough with someone to call them his spouse at work, I'd have to question it. A spouse is someone you share your life with. Your secrets. One in whom you divest the deepest confidences. No aspect of you is off limits to a spouse.

This should never be someone at work if you're married. A work-buddy, work-brother/sister or work-family just sounds so much less nefarious.

In the interest of full disclosure, this is how DH and I met.

 

[KellyWasHere]

Ew. No.

 

[dejr_8]

Agreed! Something about using the term "work spouse" sits wrong in my craw. If DH felt close enough with someone to call them his spouse at work, I'd have to question it. A spouse is someone you share your life with. Your secrets. One in whom you divest the deepest confidences. No aspect of you is off limits to a spouse.

This should never be someone at work if you're married. A work-buddy, work-brother/sister or work-family just sounds so much less nefarious.

In the interest of full disclosure, this is how DH and I met.

I think that is exactly what a Work Spouse provides for WORK related issues.

 

[katie26]

I have a "work husband" - my officemate - who is happily married to a woman who I also consider a very close friend. Neither my officemate's wife nor my boyfriend has ever had a problem with our friendship. (In fact, in her thank you note for attending their wedding, the wife wrote to me: "I'm so glad you're my husband's office wife!")

When you're sitting in a room with another chatty person for eight hours a day, some intimacies do develop. I tell my office husband some things I wouldn't tell many other friends, and vice versa. We still maintain what I feel are appropriate boundaries, though. For example, I knew when his wife was pregnant about a month before our other friends did, but not before she gave him the okay to tell me. So they kept it as a secret between the two of them for a few weeks, and he didn't tell me anything about it when it was just their secret - but once they started letting close friends in on it, I was part of that inner circle.

"Office siblings" is probably a more accurate description of our relationship, but it seems like "office wife" is just used more often.

 

[ols386]

That raises the question in my mind about when someone goes from being "a co-worker with whom I'm friends" to "a friend I just happen to also work with".

I don't think it matters, though. One of my closest friends, before my wife and I moved up north - the person with whom I shared the closest confidences, even as my soon-to-be-wife and I investigated our feelings regarding marrying - was my ex, someone I turned down to go out with my soon-to-be-wife. As mature adults, it is possible to move past such things, and to adopt a tight relationship-between-friends, even between people of the opposite gender, and yes, even between two people who used to share a sexual relationship. It does not always happen; it probably happens very rarely; but it happens, is not naturally destined for disaster, and can be very successful for all concerned.

I totally agree. My ex and I are the best of friends...after being divorced for over 10 years now. Some of the people that we know don't understand it at all, and think it is odd, maybe because, as you said, it happens rarely.

I've worked with men closely in the past, but never actually considered any of them a "work-spouse"...maybe more like a work-brother, or something like that.

 

[Miz Diz]

I had a work husband at my job. I called him my work husband and he told me that his wife called me his work wife.

We were like that because we worked on the same projects and had the same departments that we worked in. Neither of us could do anything without the other and had to talk to each other about decisions. We were in each others confidences when it came to work. We often, but not daily ate lunch together, but we talked about work. On a personal level, we did talk about things, but not things in confidence on that level. For example, I would never talk about personal issues that I would confide in my best girlfriend.