Do you ask for things?

[bookgirl]

My immediate family (mom/stepdad, dad/stepmom, brother/nephews, best friend) have all traded clothes, furniture, general stuff back and forth. We usually offer sometimes we ask. No big deal.

I consider us givers/takers.

I on the other hand have known people who were takers and with them if it's something I don't think anyone else would want I would offer it, but flat out if I thought someone else would want it I tell them no and don't feel guilty about it at all.

 

[bdcp]

I do not and my DH has learned not to. His family asks ALL the time. My MIL invited herself to my friends' wedding 30 years ago by asking my friend's aunt if she could come. She had just met the aunt as we had given her a ride up from where we were living and she had met my friend a handful of times. The aunt, not wanting to be rude basically said she could come, which wasn't her place either. I was appalled. We told MIL after the aunt left that she wasn't invited and we weren't taking her. She and my FIL have repeatedly asked me for things over the years. If they see something that we haven't used in a few months (or they've never seen us use), they will ask for it. It's beyond rude, even if it is family. My DH gave away a fireplace tool set to his brother years ago that we weren't using at the time. It was a Christmas gift from my parents and I had planned to use it in our next house. I was livid. Moreso because he just did it without asking me because it was in our basement and BIL asked for it. Crap like that happened a lot the first 5 years or so we were married. I gave my sisters maternity and kids clothes over the years when I was done with them, but they never asked for them.

 

[happygirl]

If I needed something and it comes to my kids. I would have no problem asking for it.

 

[PollyannaMom]

I feel uncomfortable asking for favors, and I'm much more likely to offer things to people who don't expect them.

 

[POPCITY]

I never, ever ask for things, ever!


I do offer things all the time, I love getting rid of stuff. That being said, I hate when people offer stuff to me, it makes me uncomfortable.

 

[htmom]

Not usually. Although when this kiddo is born, I am so asking for an epidural. Lol.
But seriously my family are big sharing people, we send out family emails when we have things to offer. Especially with things like kids clothing.

 

[StephMK]

No, I can't ask for things either.

And, most of the time, even if someone offers w/o my asking, I'm still like, "Oh no, that's okay... I'm fine" or "Are you sure?"

That's me too. I would not ask for things and have trouble feeling comfortable when offered things too.

That said, I do pack up DS's nicer things for my DN and DD's cousin gives her all of her name brand hand me downs. I am happy to share and would gladly give something to family or the kids' friends. I would not be happy in a situation like the OP, where someone is asking all the time and brazen about it.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I understand, OP!!!

I think there is a big difference in asking/mentioning things, and how your SIL handled it. Obviously, she is a taker, and you will have a negative vibe on that.

And, I NEVER ask...
I just don't.
I think that in a family, or very very close friend, then mentioning something, such as "Little Suzie just loves to read..... etc..." might be okay.
I was raised DIRT poor. And, to me, asking would have been embarrassing!!!! Like begging.

But, generally, it is the 'takers' that outright ask.
And, since you had mentioned that you saw her, in person, when she asked, I didn't really catch on and think about the mailing... Mailing is inconvenient and can be costly!

I've had a few takers in my life...
My son's best friend's family is one of them.
Thank goodness they realized, from my husband, that our things were not theirs for the taking!!!! But, they are takers... and if they think anything is available, I know that they are right there. The boy doesn't have a great filter, and he has outright asked neighbors for things, just because he thinks they might not be using them.

 

[okeydokey]

I do not ask. I pass along my kids clothes and stuff to friends and I am happy to do so. In turn if I am offered a bag of clothes for my kids I am happy to have them. But I would never out of the blue ask someone to just give me something.

 

[marcyinPA]

It really depends on the person, but I have asked to borrow things. I have a good friend to whom I have given, and lent, some of my boys clothing and shoes for her boys. Sometimes (most of the time, really), it has been a last minute thing, such as "we have a wedding- do you have black pants in a size 16?" So, when I needed black band shoes for my younger son, she was the first person I went to, and luckily, she had a pair.

But normally, no- I am not an "asker". I am a giver, though- and have posted many items on my Facebook page that I wanted to give to someone who needed them. I never look for anything in return.

 

[Colleen27]

To be honest, we never seem to be in the position to ask. As the first of our generation in our circles of friends and families to have kids, we're the givers. I have a lot of kids' stuff to pass along, but with none older than mine around not a whole lot comes our way. But I don't mind being asked... It just helps me know who will appreciate the hand me downs rather than seeing them as unneeded/unwanted. I can't think of anyone that I'd consider a "taker" or who makes a pest of themselves with requests.

Leftovers are a different ballgame, though. DH & I both come from big Polish families that cook with leftovers in mind, so if you want something particular to take home you're welcome to speak up. No one leaves family gatherings without a doggie bag!

 

[scrapquitler]

No I do not ask ppl for things and someone like you are describing is what we would call a MOOCH. Mooching off other ppl. Always looking for what you can get from ppl.

If they only take, then they are a moocher. But they aren't a moocher if they give, too. I might ask if I could have handme downs for my kid, but if I give you books or something else, or if I hand down the clothes to someone else later, I think that doesn't make me a moocher. Moochers only take, they never give.

 

[crz4mm2]

No, I do not. Yes, it is rude.

 

[DeaverTex]

If you never ask for anything, you're never told no. I was raised to not ask for things, because that was begging and it was shameful to beg. (I know, asking isn't begging, but my parents didn't see any difference.) So I learned early and well.

OP, I think they're being rude. Just my opinion.

 

[LittleMissMagic]

My sister and I have young girls in the area ask us for clothes that we are done with, and I take it as a compliment. I guess it's different with girls than it is with boys, but I'm flattered that they like my style and would like my old clothes. That being said, I don't give away anything super worn or in bad condition - only clothes that I would wear myself as a hand-me-down.

I, myself, don't usually ask for things. In fact, I'm having trouble remembering the last time I asked for something. Usually, if there is something I like and want badly enough, I buy it for myself. Sometimes I'll ask nicely to borrow something. And if someone offers me something, I'll take it if I have a good use for it. Otherwise, I'll suggest they give it to someone else.

 

[ronandannette]

Like you, I don't normally ask for things.

But I have friends who do, and they're not takers... they just have a different viewpoint on what it means to ask for a favor.

There are two keys to separating the takers from the give-and-takers:
1. Say, "sorry, no, I had different plans for that" when you're asked for a favor that takes you aback.
See, the takers will push and try to get you to change your answer. The give-and-takers will say, "Oh, I see" and move on, unembarrassed and unfazed. Your refusal wasn't a big deal for them because they don't feel that people are obligated to do favors just because someone asks them to.

2. After you've done a favor for someone who surprised you by asking for it, make a point of asking that person to do you some little favor that normally you wouldn't ask for. Not a big favor, but a little one.
The takers will say "No" and act huffy that you asked them... like you have a nerve asking.
The give-and-takers may say "no" or they may say "yes," but they will act as if it's a totally normal thing for you to ask for a little favor, just as they do. Nice give-and-takers keep a little reciprocity scorecard in their heads. They know you did them a favor, and they want to pay you back. If you never ask for favors, that means they will be eternally in debt to you, and that makes them uncomfortable. Give them a chance to pay you back by asking.

The world is divided into 3 types of people: givers, takers, and give-and-takers. It's good to be a give-and-taker!

I agree...but I think you missed a category - the "self-sufficiency is a virtue" type. It seems the OP falls into this category and while she describes giving occasionally she also seems to be hostile towards the SIL for asking (and SIL may be a total give-taker for all we know). In the view of a give-taker (of which I am one) asking is perfectly fair game as is having their request declined. No harm, no foul and a completely normal part of family/community life. I've often observed that straight givers can easily become "martyrs" and the self-sufficient often pridefully deny themselves needed assistance while at the same time deprive those who care the opportunity to help. Straight takers, well, what needs to be said? They are almost always recognized as such by everybody around them and even if they end up getting what they want they are disdained.

 

[ronandannette]

I do not and my DH has learned not to. His family asks ALL the time. My MIL invited herself to my friends' wedding 30 years ago by asking my friend's aunt if she could come. She had just met the aunt as we had given her a ride up from where we were living and she had met my friend a handful of times. The aunt, not wanting to be rude basically said she could come, which wasn't her place either. I was appalled. We told MIL after the aunt left that she wasn't invited and we weren't taking her. She and my FIL have repeatedly asked me for things over the years. If they see something that we haven't used in a few months (or they've never seen us use), they will ask for it. It's beyond rude, even if it is family. My DH gave away a fireplace tool set to his brother years ago that we weren't using at the time. It was a Christmas gift from my parents and I had planned to use it in our next house. I was livid. Moreso because he just did it without asking me because it was in our basement and BIL asked for it. Crap like that happened a lot the first 5 years or so we were married. I gave my sisters maternity and kids clothes over the years when I was done with them, but they never asked for them.

Super-curious about this statement...if your DH was raised to be a cooperative, give-take person, why would he need to "unlearn" this?? it seems that a lot of the posts in this thread imply that never receiving anything from anyone else is superior . I'm genuinely mystified by this. Gracious is as gracious does in both directions (see Minkydog's post for an example).