Do people understand...

[NotUrsula]

First of all, I am sorry for the loss of your 3 children .

However, being intentionally mean to people who happen to say the wrong thing to you at the wrong time is just not cool. Your loss does not give you the right to kick them back in the gut. And you know ... if I just met you and you said you had an 11-year old and a 1-year old I would probably say something like "Wow! That's quite an age difference!" with a smile on my face. I guess I'm just an idiot too.

That kind of remark isn't what I was speaking of, and I'm sure that the OP would understand that. What I'm speaking of is people who feel the need to pry and make judgments, such as, "You really should have had them closer together; you are really going to regret that when the older one is all grown and you are still stuck with the little one in the house." or "If you had had them closer together you would not have had to waste money on a whole new set of baby gear." or "They will hardly know one another when they grow up; it was cruel to space them out like that." I've heard all of those and many more.

There is a difference between an innocent observation and a judgement; and I still say that when people are judgmental or persistantly obtuse, giving them the flat and unvarnished truth is no more or less than they deserve. We have the right to feel raw and angry when we grieve, and people who try to imply that because a child never got old enough to run or play or speak, that the loss somehow doesn't count deserve to be brought up short.

 

[Dizzy4Disney90210]

It's important to be able to determine whether someone is saying something to hurt you purposely or just saying something without thinking. Just try to shrug off the second, because they don't mean to upset you.

To the OP, I am so sorry to hear about your loss and that was a really stupid thing that lady said to you.

 

[everylastbreath]

First & most important - I am so sorry for your loss.

2nd- Some people just don't know what to say in situations such as this, and therefore put their foot in their mouth. I don't think it is intentional, they just get nervous and the result is usually saying something dumb/insensative.

Hopefully I can give you a little smile with this story, even if it's just for a second: A good friend of my sister & I father passed away, and we went to the wake, after staying a little while we were saying our goodbyes to her & her Mom, when her Mom says to my sister "Thank you for coming" and my sister replies "Thank you for having us", we still laugh about that one and agree that at wakes my sister is not to open her mouth! Hugs & prayers to you

 

[agnes!]

Hugs to all who have suffered such a loss, words fail me.

agnes!

 

[Amy]

Many hugs to you, OP. I'm another one who's been there - my first baby, a little girl, was stillborn at 27 weeks; she would have been 20 years old now. I, too, heard all kinds of thoughtless comments from people. And once my 2 DS's were born, a "friend" who remembered my lost little girl had the nerve to tell me "well, I guess you just can't carry girls." Like someone else said, as much as you're hurting and grieving and want to hurt back, it's usually best to keep quiet.

Find yourself a support group - that's what I did, and it was the best thing I ever could have done. It helps SO much to talk to other people who are hurting just like you are and understand what you're going through. If you can't find a support group in your neighborhood, look for one online. (From reading the posts on this thread, we could probably start our own miscarriage/stillbirth support group right here.)

I'll be keeping you in my prayers. Please know that the pain will go away with time, and your little boy will always be with you in your heart.

 

[Stacerita]

Sorry for your loss. Just remember that some people don't think before they speak. I would hope that she wasn't intentionally trying to say something harmful.

 

[N&B'smom]

OP - I'm so sorry. That was just a very thoughtless thing for that woman to say.

I had something happen that was similar in that the person's response was just shocking to me.

A couple years ago I found out that I had cancer and would need a radical hysterectomy. I was speaking with one of the moms from school who I had known for several years. She asked me what was going on so I told her that I had cancer and was scheduled for a hysterectomy. Her response was with a chuckle...'I guess you're not having anymore kids'.

Nice, huh? People really do say some awful things.

Big hugs to you, OP!!!

 

[S. C.]

I'm sorry for your loss.

 

[S. C.]

I am so sorry. I think people just get nervous and don't know what to say and they put their foot in their mouth. I don't think they mean it to be cruel.

Sorry for your loss. Just remember that some people don't think before they speak. I would hope that she wasn't intentionally trying to say something harmful.

I agree. Years ago my mother passed and after the service we all went to my brothers. a family friend was there and some of the little kids that didn't know him was asking him ???'s one of the kids asked him if he was a doctor to which he replied without thinking and he is a jokester "yeah I'm a brian surgeon"! Immediatly he got a horrible look on his face and relised what he had just said. Our mother had breast cancer and it had spread to her brain.

 

[angwill]

Sorry for your loss. The only thing I can think to say is your best bet is to find a group on the net where others have had a similar experience because they will be the only ones who will ever be able to truly relate and understand what is best said and not said on the subject.

 

[Tiggerlover91]

Oh wow. I am so sorry. I cannot figure out why she would share that with you, it really doesn't help, especially if you don't have other children. I'm assuming you don't and forgive me if I'm wrong.

I hope you heal soon. Be blessed and best to you.

 

[maymom96]

I'm assuming you don't and forgive me if I'm wrong.

I have two other children besides my angel. I'm sure the person didn't mean to be cruel. And it wasn't a person being put on the spot and not knowing what to say. She said this is an e-mail.
BTW, thank you for all the support and kind words. I like the idea of having a miscarriage/stillbirth support group on the dis.
I am doing ok. I don't have tears left so crying doesn't work. I am exhausted because I am not sleeping. And I am numb to what has happened. I worry that I am cold hearted because I am not grieving like I did the first three days after his death. Then I worry that I am getting depressed because I am not sleeping or eating.
I do think of my baby all day long. He is my first thought in the morning and the last thought at night. I say his name, hold his baby blanket and look at his ashes. I find great comfort doing this. But somehow I feel like I should curled up in a ball crying and not doing anything else. After all, is that what people who are sad and grieving do? I also feel guilty for laughing.

 

[LuvBaloo]

I'm sorry for loss

It is okay to feel every feeling that you have. Everybody handles a loss differently. I don't know what else to say, but just read your last post, and wanted you to know every feeling you have is valid and real, and try not to feel guilty for how you feel.

 

[MelanieC]

Some people just don't get - so sorry about your loss.

 

[NTDreams]

I recently suffered a miscarriage in Dec. I know your pain. I think people just want to say something and so they say too much. For me "I'm sorry to hear that." would suffice but case and point. DH grandmother says to me, "I had 12 MC before I had Cristine. So don't give up" Sweet, yes helping NO! I don't want to hear that it took you 12 losses, that doesn't make me feel better at all. They best thing said to me was from a coworker who is due in March. She said... You out of all people can understand that it's better that this happened now then to deal with bigger problems in the future. ( I work in Special Ed) She was right. It made me feel better.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Make sure you speak up though. If someone says something silly just say, 'what would you me to take from that> That will shut them up.

GOOD LUCK and Baby Dust!

 

[ozarkmom]

I'm so very sorry. I lost my first baby to miscarriage at 5 months, and I still remember the incredibly hurtful comments that were somehow supposed to help. The worst was definitely 'well, thank god that's over with' because I was young (21) and wasn't married to the father. I will never, ever be able to forgive that person.

What I started doing was looking the people right in the eye and saying 'I'm sure you're tying to help, but please, don't ever say that to another woman. It doesn't come across the way you want it to'. It often made for an awkward moment, but I figured if they were allowed to say something that hurt cause they meant well, I could too.

If you ever want to talk, feel free to PM me. Sometimes I wanted to pretend it didn't happen, sometimes I wanted to just talk and talk and talk about every aspect of the pregnancy and loss. Please know we're here for you.

My dd lost her baby a year ago she too was young (18) and people said the most stupid things. The baby's father was a jerk and she heard everything from thank god you won't have to deal with him for the next 18 years to well this was Gods way of taking care of a mistake. Everyone had some stupid comment to why it was good that she lost her baby when a I'm sorry would have been so much better.

 

[Amy]

I have two other children besides my angel. I'm sure the person didn't mean to be cruel. And it wasn't a person being put on the spot and not knowing what to say. She said this is an e-mail.
BTW, thank you for all the support and kind words. I like the idea of having a miscarriage/stillbirth support group on the dis.
I am doing ok. I don't have tears left so crying doesn't work. I am exhausted because I am not sleeping. And I am numb to what has happened. I worry that I am cold hearted because I am not grieving like I did the first three days after his death. Then I worry that I am getting depressed because I am not sleeping or eating.
I do think of my baby all day long. He is my first thought in the morning and the last thought at night. I say his name, hold his baby blanket and look at his ashes. I find great comfort doing this. But somehow I feel like I should curled up in a ball crying and not doing anything else. After all, is that what people who are sad and grieving do? I also feel guilty for laughing.

Everything you're feeling is perfectly normal. Cripes, you just lost your little boy 4 days ago! You need to give yourself time to grieve. (Now, if you're still feeling this way 3 months from now, that's time to seek professional help.) It's ok to laugh, no need to feel guilty about that. How many times have you gone to a funeral home and find people laughing? You have 2 other children, surely you're finding some pleasure/happiness being with them. Plus, while caring for your other children, you're putting some of your grieving "on hold". That's all part of the process - some days you'll have to drag yourself out of bed, other days you'll find yourself humming. It's a tough road, but by posting here, you're reaching out, and that's good.

Hang in there! It WILL get better.

 

[chrisw127]

I'm sorry. I actually had doctors say "Oh, at least you already have one child." I know they're trying to help (and frankly, any kindness from doctors is usually a shock) but it really doesn't--at all.

 

[LuvOrlando]

I am so sorry for your loss.

 

[angwill]

One more thing that might help is to read about the stages of grief so you know that everything you feel is normal and ok and is leading you down the road to healing yourself. Here is a link that I hope helps http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html