Do people understand...

[LanaJayne]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby and also for the inconsiderate woman's remark. My heart goes out to you.

 

[AprilShowers]

I am so sorry for your loss. I agree with other posters. People say stupid things because they don't know what else to say. Not an excuse, just a reason.

I too, suffered a miscarriage. I remember this one lady at work was trying to make me feel better. She said: "Well, maybe it was a boy, you know some people can only carry one sex, if it was a girl, maybe you wouldn't have lost it." (I already had two girls, she was referring to the fact that maybe I couldn't carry boys)

Just ignore the weird and mean commenters, and focus on those being truly helpful and supportive.

 

[jacksonsmom]

Oh I am so sorry for the lost of your precious baby boy
If I could give you a hug I would.

As far as the comments, well some people are just stupid. They don't realize that sometimes there isn't nothing to say but "I'm sorry" and offer a hug.
I had a miscarriage before my son and I had some comments that really hurt. People just don't understand unless they have been in that situation.

Again, I am so sorry for your lost

 

[fortheluvofpooh]

The impact of their words?
On Monday I had a second trimester miscarriage. I was talking to someone and told them what happened. This was their response...
"I gave birth to a preemie. He was born at 35 weeks. Today he is a dentist and has gave me 4 grandchildren. He is an amazing person."
How is this story suppose to help me or even relate to what I am going through? The only connection I see is that we both went into labor too soon and both delivered a son. I will never get to experience what she did with her son because my baby died (and yes he was a baby). I will never get to see my sons first steps, hear his first words, see him start school, graduate, go away to college, get a job, get married and have children. I will never know what it is like to receive a hug, a kiss or hear I love you mommy from him.
If you don't know what to say, how about just saying "I am sorry" or not saying anything at all. If you have experienced a similar event, tell me about it. But don't think telling me a story about your adult child being born early brings any comfort to me.

I am so very sorry for your loss. I completely understand. Some people though, even those who have been through loss, think what they are saying is helpful but it really isn't. Life just sucks sometimes. I will be praying for you.

 

[SDFgirl]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm sure you miss your son everyday.

I don't think people mean to be insensitive, they just don't know what to say. I can definitely understand why that would hurt your feelings or irritate you. People need to think about their words before they say them, even though they mean no harm.

 

[mickeyboat]

I am sorry for your loss.

I agree that people just don't know what to say sometimes. I seriously doubt that she was trying to hurt you and would never in a million years think that what she said might do that. I think in her own way that person was trying to empathize with you using the only example she could think of that remotely resembles your loss. Her struggle had a happy ending, and she is hoping that you might be able to see to the other side of your pain at some point and have hapiness, too.

Denae

 

[MinnieFan4ever]

I am so sorry you lost your baby son.

 

[Stitchfans]

I am so sorry. I think people just get nervous and don't know what to say and they put their foot in their mouth. I don't think they mean it to be cruel.

Sorry for your loss.
I agree. Some people might think just saying I'm sorry isn't enough.

 

[robinb]

The impact of their words?
On Monday I had a second trimester miscarriage. I was talking to someone and told them what happened. This was their response...
"I gave birth to a preemie. He was born at 35 weeks. Today he is a dentist and has gave me 4 grandchildren. He is an amazing person."
How is this story suppose to help me or even relate to what I am going through? The only connection I see is that we both went into labor too soon and both delivered a son. I will never get to experience what she did with her son because my baby died (and yes he was a baby). I will never get to see my sons first steps, hear his first words, see him start school, graduate, go away to college, get a job, get married and have children. I will never know what it is like to receive a hug, a kiss or hear I love you mommy from him.
If you don't know what to say, how about just saying "I am sorry" or not saying anything at all. If you have experienced a similar event, tell me about it. But don't think telling me a story about your adult child being born early brings any comfort to me.

Oh, honey {{hugs}}. It's still so raw right now. I remember that the loss of the dream of the future was the worst for me with my m/c.

You know, people just don't think and things just come out of their mouths. My guess is that she was rethinking how scared she was that she would lose her baby when he was born at 35 weeks. I never heard any inappropriate stories but I do remember wearing a big flowing dress about 6 weeks after my m/c and having someone ask me if I was pregnant. I just about lost it as all the feelings of grief came rushing back.

 

[Jenvenza]

I am so sorry for your loss.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

I, too, am sorry for your loss.

She might have just been one of those people that doesn't know how to help someone who is grieving. Try not to let it bother you.

Time heals all wounds...

 

[binny]

Im so sorry for your loss.

 

[Scornelius]

I'm so very sorry. I lost my first baby to miscarriage at 5 months, and I still remember the incredibly hurtful comments that were somehow supposed to help. The worst was definitely 'well, thank god that's over with' because I was young (21) and wasn't married to the father. I will never, ever be able to forgive that person.

What I started doing was looking the people right in the eye and saying 'I'm sure you're tying to help, but please, don't ever say that to another woman. It doesn't come across the way you want it to'. It often made for an awkward moment, but I figured if they were allowed to say something that hurt cause they meant well, I could too.

If you ever want to talk, feel free to PM me. Sometimes I wanted to pretend it didn't happen, sometimes I wanted to just talk and talk and talk about every aspect of the pregnancy and loss. Please know we're here for you.

 

[Nik's Mom]

I'm so sorry about your loss! I can't even imagine what you are going through. Just know that you will get through this difficult time. Be sure to lean on people for support, and ignore the comments of some people.

I really believe that some people just don't think before they speak. I am a mother to 2 autistic children. People say stupid things to me all of the time. I had a principle of my sons school once brag about how her 4 year old grand daughter could read and write. This was right after she just informed me that my son was significantly delayed and was at the level of a 2 year old. I walked away from her and cried all the way home. After that, I just learned that some people are just plain stupid.

Anyway, hugs to you. I will pray that you find comfort in such a difficult time.

 

[ChrizJen]

I'm so sorry both for your loss and for the insensitive response you got from that woman.
It sounds to me like your story maybe brought back memories of her experience and the emotions she had at the time, and before she realized that it wasn't appropriate, she shared her story with you.
Some people need to adjust that filter that goes between their brain and their mouth.

 

[ScrapperBelle]

I am so sorry. We lost our oldest DS (18) last year, so although it is NOT the same thing...I can truly sympathize with you.

I'm so grateful for the people we had around us at that time. Even total strangers who read his obituary online and emailed us a short note just saying they were sorry.

I know lots of our friends felt helpless and powerless in that situation and many of them searched for the right things to do and say. In the end, everyone of them just said that they were sorry and that they couldn't imagine what we were going through. That was more than enough for us and I do think it is the right thing to say although it seems inadequate.

I don't think this lady intended to be cruel...she just didn't think before she spoke...which we're all guilty of now and then.

Once again, I'm very sorry for your loss.

 

[coles1mom]

I'm so sorry.

 

[NotUrsula]

You have my deepest condolences. Do you know about the Japanese Jizo tradition? It can be a comfort at this time for some people. I chose something different; I had a bracelet made to remind me of my lost children, and I find that it helps.

Honestly, when dealing with the clueless idiots it helps to hurt them back. Not only will you relieve some of your anger and feel a tiny bit better, but they will hopefully learn from the experience. I have two living children who are 11 and 1, and I lost 3 in between. Lots of idiots think that they have license to criticize the spacing of my children. I long ago gave up being nice and tell them; "No, actually, I didn't plan it this way. Our other 3 children died. Do you feel better now that you know that?" Then I walk away and leave them to scrape their jaws off the floor.

The absolute WORST was a gate attendant at the garage of my OB's medical building. The day that I found out that my second daughter had just died, this chirping-merry idiot looks at my tearstained face and chirrups, "Smile! Whatever it is can't be THAT bad!!" My answer was, "My daughter just died. Do you want to re-think what you just said to me?" I drove off and left that one stammering, trying to apologize and just digging herself deeper. She works at a medical building and she doesn't get the concept that sometimes people leave there with REALLY bad news?

Idiots. Don't feel bad about snapping at them; they deserve to get dinged when they put themselves and their vacuous platitudes out there in your face.

 

[robinb]

You have my deepest condolences. Do you know about the Japanese Jizo tradition? It can be a comfort at this time for some people. I chose something different; I had a bracelet made to remind me of my lost children, and I find that it helps.

Honestly, when dealing with the clueless idiots it helps to hurt them back. Not only will you relieve some of your anger and feel a tiny bit better, but they will hopefully learn from the experience. I have two living children who are 11 and 1, and I lost 3 in between. Lots of idiots think that they have license to criticize the spacing of my children. I long ago gave up being nice and tell them; "No, actually, I didn't plan it this way. Our other 3 children died. Do you feel better now that you know that?" Then I walk away and leave them to scrape their jaws off the floor.

The absolute WORST was a gate attendant at the garage of my OB's medical building. The day that I found out that my second daughter had just died, this chirping-merry idiot looks at my tearstained face and chirrups, "Smile! Whatever it is can't be THAT bad!!" My answer was, "My daughter just died. Do you want to re-think what you just said to me?" I drove off and left that one stammering, trying to apologize and just digging herself deeper. She works at a medical building and she doesn't get the concept that sometimes people leave there with REALLY bad news?

Idiots. Don't feel bad about snapping at them; they deserve to get dinged when they put themselves and their vacuous platitudes out there in your face.

First of all, I am sorry for the loss of your 3 children .

However, being intentionally mean to people who happen to say the wrong thing to you at the wrong time is just not cool. Your loss does not give you the right to kick them back in the gut. And you know ... if I just met you and you said you had an 11-year old and a 1-year old I would probably say something like "Wow! That's quite an age difference!" with a smile on my face. I guess I'm just an idiot too.

 

[mjkacmom]

First of all, I am sorry for the loss of your 3 children .

However, being intentionally mean to people who happen to say the wrong thing to you at the wrong time is just not cool. Your loss does not give you the right to kick them back in the gut. And you know ... if I just met you and you said you had an 11-year old and a 1-year old I would probably say something like "Wow! That's quite an age difference!" with a smile on my face. I guess I'm just an idiot too.

I agree - I would never try to make someone bad for trying to cheer me up. I'm sure I've unintentionally hurt someone by saying the wrong thing, and people have done the same to me (like a friend who's response to me telling her that I was pregnant with twins - not a planned pregnancy - was "I'd shoot myself!")