Do others seem to always expect you'll do stuff for them?

[scrapbookworm]

Do you know people like this? Such as, if someone gets a new computer, they expect you to come set it up for them? Or if they have a household project to do, they assume that you'll help out. Or you do something for someone once, and then it is assumed that you'll continue to do it every time. Usually they won't ask you, it's gotten to the point that they just tell you "hey, I need you to come set this up/do this for me this weekend." Not asking me if I'll do it, not even asking if I have plans, but telling me that I need to do this and this for them. Oh, these aren't people that live right close by- 40 miles away in one case.

Sometimes I struggle between wanting to be helpful in a Christian spirit, because these are our relatives and I do love them, and getting frustrated that others won't even try to figure something out- they just assume that I'll handle it all for them. Most of what I know I've learned hands on the hard way- I didn't take a class, no one showed me how, etc. I work in an office- I just consider myself an advanced computer user. Not a network specialist, not an engineer.

Oh, and FTR, I'm not talking about elderly people or anyone with a disability. I just feel that some of our relatives have come to have very high expectations of us, and it seems like it is starting to become a weekly thing- setup my printer for me, setup my game system, I want you to sell these items on Ebay for me, teach me how to sell things on Ebay, setup my Paypal account for me, I need your husband to come move (distant relative that we haven't seen in years who has an adult son) out of her apartment (no, he didn't do it, and she was pretty ticked), etc. It's gotten to the point where they won't even try, and seem to get angry if I (politely) tell them that it is pretty simple to do, it comes with instructions, etc. I don't want to be responsible for everyone's computer, everyone's network, etc.

One loves to say "But I don't KNOW (whine) how to do this! You are SO (whine) much smarter than me!" There have been a couple times that I just could not help the person out (previous commitments on the weekend), and so she eventually did it herself. But she made sure I heard every detail about how difficult and frustrating it was- like a passive aggressive guilt trip.

Do you know anyone like this? Or have any words of wisdom? Is it just me, and I need to get over it? I know, it is just a petty vent, and I'm not going to do anything drastic to make my family mad. Families are supposed to help each other out, but yet at the same time I was raised to be independent. Maybe it was b/c they didn't want me asking stuff of them???

 

[ajk912]

Sounds like parents and siblings, correct? Can't live with them, can't live without them. I hear you though, whenever we visit the ILs my DH has a laundry list of chores to get done. I am sure they would call him over more, but we live 600 miles away! Darn.

 

[portocall]

My husbands aunt does this. After her husband died, she expected all the men in the family to pick up the slack. That was fine as there were a lot of men around and we only got a call every once in a while. Then Katrina came and my husband was the only man left and so he started to become unavailable and telling her how to fix her problem herself. It took a year, but we only now get calls when she gets a new computer which isn't that often and I can live with that.

My husbands mother also has a laundry list of things for him to do whenever we visit her, but since she moved 600 miles away, we do not visit often. We hear about it, but oh well.

 

[NMAmy]

If we're talking about my mother, yes. But she's been bossing me around for 47 years now, I don't think she'll be stopping any time soon. The good news is that as an adult with my own home and car, she's unable to ground me for not doing her chores quickly enough to suit her any more.

However, my mother is grateful and reasonable (most of the time) and DH and I don't mind doing things to help her out.

 

[Northstar]

Yep, I know people like this.

I'm guessing that you never ask these people to do anything for you, correct? You feel that you should cope with life's little difficulties on your own and only yell for help when you really need it.

Here is a magic bullet for reversing the expectation that you are the doer of favors:

Ask them to do you a favor, comparable in time/effort to what they're asking you to do. Don't do it sarcastically, like you're just trying to demonstrate how unreasonable they're being with their favor requests. And don't make it something that wouldn't actually be helpful to you at all. Something like helping you paint a room you've been meaning to get to, or run some errands while you're feeling a bit under the weather.

Only two things can happen: they say yes, do you the favor, and everybody feels there's a more equal relationship. They have returned your favors and showed that they appreciate your efforts.
Or they say no. And if they say no, eventually, if you keep requesting favors from them, the requests for you to do them favors will slow down and maybe even stop.
Or you will at least get to enjoy some passive-aggressive pleasure out of the game!

 

[scrapbookworm]

My husbands aunt does this. After her husband died, she expected all the men in the family to pick up the slack. .

This has happened to us as well. My DH has had to recently stop doing the yard work (for free) for a relative who is widowed. He did it one time, when the death occurred, but then it came to be expected. It went on for a year. She's not very happy, says she if she could have paid someone to do it she would have paid him (yet she goes shopping and out to eat a lot), says she doesn't know how to find someone to do the yard work, etc. He didn't stop doing it b/c of the lack of payment (although it was costing him about $20 a trip b/c she lives 40 miles away)- it was taking a toll on him physically being the 'man of the house' for two households. He works full time, he is diabetic, and we have our own yard to take care of. Her yard is so much bigger than ours, has a lot of trees, and a lot of overgrowth due to years of neglect beforehand. Her husband didn't take good care of it due to poor health, and he worked full time as well until he because ill. The amount of work it would take to keep her yard looking pristine would be an entire day every week, maybe more. She needs to have some of the trees and bushes cut down to make it easier and neater looking, but she refuses. It just got to the point that my DH said that enough is enough, I can't keep doing this.

 

[lecach]

Luckily we dont have anyone that expects anything of us. But my poor BIL gets hit with this from my MIL all the time. They live in the same neighborhood and FIL is not in the best health. MIL will just tell BIL "I need to clean the blinds in the garage - come take them down". Or "we need to move that large tv from the living room up to the attic, you need to come do it tomorrow". ALL THE TIME.

I've been there when she's done her orders to him. She never asks if he has the time or if he would mind helping. Just orders him. And while I know it drives him crazy he's a pretty quiet guy and he usually just does it. To be honest, I dont even know if she says thank you after he does this stuff. She expects him to do it and it doesnt occur to her that he wouldnt want to.

She would never try this on DH. He would flip out .

 

[The Mystery Machine]

We do help each out in my family. That being said, we do not allow people to "tell us" what we are going to do. We do not operate that way. Now if it is a "reasonable demand" in that it is something medical then that is a different category to me.

Hooking up game systems and setting up paypal and other things do not fall into the "emergency catagory".

In your case, I would tell relatives that you will come over when you can to help them, but you have to stop the every weekend thing.

When they call, tell them that you are sorry but you have such and such to do. Tell them you will look at your schedule and get back with them.

 

[tonilea]

My BIL is the "resident computer whiz" in our family. I really try NOT to ask him to do much of anything for us, because he gets call upon so much from the rest of the family.

My DMiL is terrible about issuing orders. And Heaven help us, when she decides something needs to be done, she wants it done right now. It may have been broken or in need of repair for twenty years, but the moment she wants it fixed......

DH takes care of he yard too. Most of the time to the detriment of our own yard. I used to think she wouldn't be around much longer (she is 82 and has been in poor health for at least 30 years), but I have finally come to realize the truth. She is immortal and will out live us all.

 

[scrapbookworm]

My DMiL is terrible about issuing orders. And Heaven help us, when she decides something needs to be done, she wants it done right now. It may have been broken or in need of repair for twenty years, but the moment she wants it fixed......

Yes, that too. My mom wanted to get a new TV, and wanted DH to go get it and set it up for her. That's understandable- those are heavy and not something that I could do either. However...she hounded and fussed, asking about it daily until he did it. It wasn't like her other tv had gone out- she just wanted a new one. Since she lives in a rural area, he had to drive about 35 miles to Costco, then about 60 miles to her house, and then about 40 miles back to our house. It was an all day job, and he had to get someone to help him. It was probably about 3-4 weeks after she announced it that DH got around to doing it. Again, he works full time, plus was doing all that yard work.

 

[shortbun]

I have a girlfriend who gets walked on by people. I refuse to let her help me in any way and I make sure our time together is purely social or me helping her. She appreciates it. She can not say no.

 

[WDSearcher]

I have always lived by my great-grandfather's words:

"No one can take advantage of you without your permission."​

If someone "expects" something of you or just tells you to do something and you do it, you've just given them permission. And the longer you keep doing it, the more permission you grant and the harder it is to walk away.

 

[Feralpeg]

My sister is like that. I love her dearly, but she won't even try to do things for herself. If it involves anything electronic, she just refuses to try. When she needed curtains put up, she called me. When she had a problem with the lawn mower, she called me. When she has a car issue, she calls me. Crazy! I keep telling her that I'm her sister...not her husband!

 

[FireDancer]

I wouldn't say people expect me to do it but since my profession is in computers I am the one that gets the call to set up new ones (or even help shop), fix them, and integrate them into home entertainment systems. While at times it is annoying it is good to have people owe you something, especially if they have skills I don't or professions that can help me out down the road.

 

[smb6]

Yes, I seem to attract these people (both family and friends). My only advice is to check caller ID before answering the phone.....

 

[scrapbookworm]

I have always lived by my great-grandfather's words:

"No one can take advantage of you without your permission."​

If someone "expects" something of you or just tells you to do something and you do it, you've just given them permission. And the longer you keep doing it, the more permission you grant and the harder it is to walk away.

Very true. However, like with the other topic I started recently, I have resolved to grow a backbone, but without outright making my family mad. It does seem that I have been 'conditioned' or 'trained' to look out for everyone else. I'm not sure if the other people I'm talking about even consciously realize they try to exercise that kind of control over me. The boundary lines are definitely fuzzy.

I do prefer to deal with life's little problems on my own, so perhaps I give off an aura of this person who can handle things and doesn't need assistance. Quite the opposite. Now this isn't to say that the others are horrible people- quite the opposite. Most of them are warm and caring...just downright helpless acting when it comes to certain things.

I don't mind too much helping someone who is truly in need. But sometimes the requests are downright ridiculous. And I just hate the guilt trips that are thrown that way when I don't 'rescue them'. Really, I work full time, I'm a GS troop leader, and I have a family of my own.

 

[bicker]

I have always lived by my great-grandfather's words:

"No one can take advantage of you without your permission."​

Perhaps your great-grandfather was paraphrasing Eleanor Roosevelt: "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission."



One of the things I've done, in this regard, is started converting each instance into a learning experience. I don't do what the person expects me to do. Instead, I turn it around so that the person with the expectation is doing the actual work, and I'm just instructing, explaining, providing advice, etc.

Another tactic I sometimes use (especially when it is anywhere near close to the truth) is ignorance: "Sorry, I just can't figure that out today." I really don't mind doing something for someone else when it is insanely easy for me to do, but if it is hard to do, then I want the discretion of being able to say "Sure, I can help," or "Sorry, not this time."

 

[scrapbookworm]

One of the things I've done, in this regard, is started converting each instance into a learning experience. I don't do what the person expects me to do. Instead, I turn it around so that the person with the expectation is doing the actual work, and I'm just instructing, explaining, providing advice, etc.
"

That's a good idea. And I actually do this at work. I occasionally go on a job site and setup software. After it is installed and connected to our equipment, I have the operator sit down and I instruct him/her on how to use the software. I have found that if the operator actually does the work, then it is more likely to 'stick' than if he/she is just watching over my shoulder. It gives the operator more confidence and also makes him/her more likely to try to fix minor issues on their own.

I wonder why I haven't thought of doing that with my family?

 

[WDSearcher]

I don't mind too much helping someone who is truly in need. But sometimes the requests are downright ridiculous. And I just hate the guilt trips that are thrown that way when I don't 'rescue them'. Really, I work full time, I'm a GS troop leader, and I have a family of my own.

Then just say no. Tell them that you'll be there for them if they REALLY need you, but you're not going to feel guilty about the little stuff. Apologize that you're not available, give them a suggestion of how else to solve the problem (internet, Geek Squad, "_____ for Dummies" book, whatever), and tell them to call you tomorrow with an update. If nothing else, that gives you a day to decide if you really don't want to help them or if you might relent. But seriously ... the best way around this is getting them used to hearing you say no.

Another option -- and one that worked well with my family and close friends -- is that everyone got 12 "Favor" cards a year. If someone called in a "Favor" card, you went. No questions asked. Didn't matter if it was setting up a computer, helping at a rummage sale, picking someone up from the airport, whatever. If it was within your power to help when called, you did. Once your "Favor" cards were gone, you were on your own for the rest of the year. You would not believe how people would hoard those cards! Someone would say, "If you need help with the computer, just call in a Favor", and the other person would say, "Just for the computer? I'm not calling in a Favor for that! I'll figure it out on my own!" It was kind of amazing, the way people suddenly learned how to fend for themselves, hanging onto their cards until they REALLY needed them.