Divorced Parents ???

[bigsis1970]

Hi Everyone, I am a single mom and i have a question to all the divorced parents..
My Ex ( his girlfriend and her 2 boys ) is building a house in the neighboring town to mine - they will live about 5 miles away 10 minutes driving time - the kids will now all be in the same school district. He proposed to me that when the house is built he should have the kids for one week and i should have the kids for one week.. I was soo stunned that i didn't respond . Our son has diffulcity with change and its hard to adjust his routine too much. I think this would be over load to him .
I think that while its great he wants to have more of the kids i think i should be the gets them 3 days one week and 4 the next such as Sun to Tues then Sat to Tues .
Please let me know ALL of your thoughts and if you currently do anything like this..
( our arrangement now is Every thursday they go to this house and Every other weekend. )
Thanks Michelle

 

[Briar Rose 7457]

some thoughts:

his proposal raises red flags with me.

do you have joint custody or do you have sole custody? in other words, who is legally "in charge"? is he trying to change that arrangement by altering the days on which your son is with him?

how will split physical custody affect his obligation to pay child support?

ok, now let's focus on your son. I think it's great that he'll have increased access to his father, that he'll be able to see more of dad if he wants to. but I think this should be on a more informal basis. a child who has a hard time adjusting to change isn't going to be happy living in one house one week and a different house the next week.

 

[Chrissi Pooh]

Well I'm a single mom of a 3 year old and dad is not around so I can't speak from personal experience but I have a friend that is going through this and dad wanted the lkids for 2 weeks at a time and let me tell you that the judge literally laughed in his face. The judge says it's crazy for these kids to have to pack up every 2 weeks to go back and forth so instead he gets them 2 weekends in a row! I personally think it's not a good idea because for the kids I'm sure it has to be very confusing and there is no room for a good routine JMHO!! Good Luck!!

 

[bigsis1970]

Hi . We have joint custody of the children i am pretty sure altho they spend most of the time with me ( he get them each Thursday and every other weekend so a total of 10 days a month ) I think he thinks if he has them equal time then it would even out and he wouldn't have to pay support ( altho they still have to go to daycare and i have the insurance coverage ) I just don't know what he is thinking !! Thanks I would like to hear from more people . Michelle

 

[danacara]

One quick thought: if your son isn't great with change (and I'm definitely not, so I can empathize!) he's not going to like your proposed plan any more than his father's. Your plan has him moving twice as much and twice as often.

 

[bigsis1970]

You are probaly right , altho i was thinking that would be a little more settled then his plan. I just want something to come back with when we go to the table. Any other thoughts ?? Michelle

 

[Briar Rose 7457]

try to build some fluidity into your arrangement. when I got divorced my dd's were 4 and 2. they're 12 and 10 now. what worked for a preschooler and a toddler doesn't always work for older kids.

 

[Goofyta]

I don't think he can change the child support unless you guys go back to court. So, unless that happens he is still liable for child support.

 

[bigsis1970]

Thanks , I am sure i will post again when the house is finally built and they are moving in and getting ready to change things around .. He actually left when kids us 4 years ago ( kids were 5 and 2 ) and yes that is true . we have had to tweak it already. so i will continue to watch out and do what is best for them and he will have to live with the choices he has made. Michelle

 

[4greatboys]

Im a divorced mom too. I dont think its a good idea to send them back and forth like that. Im sure they love their dad and would like to see him but that seems to disruptive to me. What I do is maybe offer him extra weekend time. Say its your weekend and you maybe have plans Sat night (like a hot date ) I would let the kids go Sat evening and maybe stay til Sunday night at the time they would normally return from a weekend with him. Or maybe offer a afternoon when they get an extra day off from school. If my x had split time like your wants he would def think he had to pay less support.
I think reg school days they should just be kept in their routine and then it should be up to you any extra days he gets. HTH some. Good luck

 

[sharbear]

My DS has a friend whose parents have joint custody. Three days one place, three days the other place. The parents are very flexible with weekends, if one has plans (for instance skiing with the family) they just change the weekends. They live very close to one another so that if something is forgotten they can go to the other house to pick it up. The kids seem fine with it and it's great for them to have parents who are so supportive and flexible.

I think that it is great for the kids but the parents have to get along very well. Also you have to be prepared with some loss of privacy, you never know when your kids are going to come barging in!

Sometimes the kids would forget what house to go to (they have a full time nanny) and would walk to the wrong house. So for a while the kids would always go to their Mom's house and then the nanny would take them to their Dad's.

 

[ASFCurly]

I am not a parent, but my parents got divorced when I was 12, originally we (also my brother, 9 at the time, and my sister, 4 at the time) were at my Dads every other weekend and every Weds for dinner, that was not enough for him and not enough for us either. Finally we did the very same thing that your ex is suggesting, we were at Dad's for a week then Mom's for a week, changing Sunday evenings, and during the summer it was two weeks. My Mom had custody, and still got the same amount of child suppport, we just saw our Dad more often. This really worked for us, but that doesn't mean that it will work for you. Hope everything works out okay for you.

 

[dalepool]

This test will tell all---

Tell him OK---But the Child support will remain the same as well as any other obligations that are court ordered eg. deduction for income taxes--earned child credit...If he agrees get it in writing. Better yet have an attorney draw up all the paper work and file it with the court. Filing it with the court is very important. This may be a way of getting credit towards child support payments. Just be careful--consult with an attorney--and see what happens.

Good luck

PattyN