Divorced moms/parents whatever, question for you.

[DVC Sadie]

I had a lot of the same issues as you when I had to deal with my ex in regards to visitation and child support so I will tell you what I did during that time.

The only time our son was able to visit his dad was when I flew him in for a visit because I lived 11 hours away and could not drive that far even twice a month. It was not easy but I did this for several years until I remarried and my husband started driving him halfway to see his dad. Needless to say I am glad that we did what we could because now I have no regrets and I know how much those visits meant to both of them.

My only advice to you is to do what you can in regards to visitation and seek out every means possible to insure that you receive your dd's child support. Please do not discuss this situation with your child.

I wish the best for both you and your daughter.

 

[The McCombies :)]

Things will get better.

 

[pyrxtc]

well, he chose not to pick her up today for the weekend and called on his way to NY to work for the weekend but he must have made up his mind a few days ago to have this planned. he can't/won't take her next weekend and with the way things are working out, he won't see her for almost 2 months. Oh and to finish off his conversation telling he won't be seeing her for a long while, he tells her that her gerbil is dying and will be dead before she sees it again. Nice, huh? Father of the year !

 

[sunnyday123]

well, he chose not to pick her up today for the weekend and called on his way to NY to work for the weekend but he must have made up his mind a few days ago to have this planned. he can't/won't take her next weekend and with the way things are working out, he won't see her for almost 2 months. Oh and to finish off his conversation telling he won't be seeing her for a long while, he tells her that her gerbil is dying and will be dead before she sees it again. Nice, huh? Father of the year !

somtimes it really sucks to have to be the better person, but that is exactly what you have to do. Be there for her, console her, and give her lots of extra hugs. I know it's hard, but bad mouth him when she's asleep-and then let it rip!

 

[sunnyday123]

I am saying this from a person on the other side of the wall. My husband was married and had two daughters. When I met my husbands daughters 4 and 7, we got along okay until their mother started to tell them things that weren't true. "Your dad has a new woman in his life and doesn't want to spend anymore time with you". we have 50/50 custody of the girls and all of our attention (mine included) goes to those girls. My youngest stepdaughter and I get along great. Which is pretty natural since I have been a part of her life for as long as she can remember. But the oldest daughter is very close to her mother. And what her mom says is true, even if it isn't. If my hsbnd says the color of the shirt he was wearing was blue, her mom would say no it was green. At 8 years old my husbands ex told her that her daddy cheater on her and thats why they got a divorce. Total lie. My husbands ex likes to get between my step-daughters and I's relationship and it hurts because there have been plenty of times I was all my step-daughters had.

She has no rules for them, she allows my 14 sd's boyfriend to come over with no supervision. That is not at all the way it is at our home. well a few months ago my oldest sd came over while my husband was at work and called me a few names that weren't very nice, so I told her to get out of my house. the only thing I have ever asked of the girls is to respect me. Nothing else nothing less and they will always have my undivided attention and respect. I think my sd calling me a c*@& was her mom. Yes right in front of her brother and sister. Now my son doesn't like his sister anymore but my daughter misses her big sister. Its sad. Needless to say my sd doesn't come to our house anymore. I was very hurt because not even the day before I was the only person she could talk to.
Anyways I guess you have to learn to roll with the punches and thank god you were blessed with a beautiful daughter. Some day he will see it. These are the kind of guys that make my husband look like a bad guy when he would do anything for his children. As her mom make her strong enough and knowledgable enough to know that it was never her fault and no matter what he does love her, he just doesn't know how to show it. Because who couldn't love their own child.
If I were you I would take him back to court for child support. My husband every year gets takin' back to court with his ex. She got a 5$ increase for a week. Yup, 5000$ in court cost, lawyers for 5$ x-tra a week. He pays a lot of money and that was their agreement, he wanted the girls more and she said you can but I want more $. Without hesitanting we said yes. She tries to use cs as a pawn for us to have them. It really is discusting. Well good luck I'm sure you'll need it.

And I can't beleive that her father allowed you to ban her from his home. Obviously this child is being used the divorced parties...not specifiying either one but the better way to have dealt with this is to have handed her off to her father. No way would anyone ban my DD from either parent's home.

 

[The McCombies :)]

No I think you misunderstood me. She choses not to come to our house. No one has banned her from our house except herself. She chooses not to come to our house because of the consequences beyond her behave at our house.

And I can't beleive that her father allowed you to ban her from his home. Obviously this child is being used the divorced parties...not specifiying either one but the better way to have dealt with this is to have handed her off to her father. No way would anyone ban my DD from either parent's home.

 

[sunnyday123]

No I think you misunderstood me. She choses not to come to our house. No one has banned her from our house except herself. She chooses not to come to our house because of the consequences beyond her behave at our house.

But you told her to "get out of my house." Would you force one of your biological children out?

 

[ty&brenmom]

I can totally relate. I know it's extremely hard to be nice and at the same time wonder how long to you have to stand by and watch them disappoint their children and what kind of effect is it having on them. My youngest son's dad has spent the majority of his son's life in jail. Our court order states he can call every saturday evening (on my dime), he calls every saturday when he is in jail, when he is out of jail he all the sudden heis "working", but not once does he ask to modify the day and time of his alloted phone call. This time he as been out of jail almost three months (a new record!!), anyways he has called a total of 2 times in three months, yet has managed to call my attorny 2 times in the last week or so. We have scheduled a meet at the begining of August - he did not show, my six year old's heart was broken (he also at the point told me his dad was a liar). We then did not hear from him until he called my attorny and asked if we could reschedule the meet, his excuses that he used in the same phone call were that he had to work, AND that his fiancee had to drive him down and she didn't have anything to do during the meet. So now we are doing a meet next weekend, he will be bringing his fiancee with him, when he gets to see his son after not seeing him for 5 years (my son is 6). Last night he finally called my son after 7 weeks and told him that the reason he didn't see him is because of me. That was the last straw I got on the phone and told him that he can not speak like that to our son I was not the bad guy and that I wasn't going to fight to with him but he needed to think before he said things like then. I then told him that the phone call was over for the night, and he told me he was calling my attorny on monday (yeah go and tattle). There is a strong fear that when he does see my son that he will try to take him, he has threatened in the past to take him. Again he pays no child support, we have it set up through court that he should pay, AND he says the reason he doesn't call on Saturdays is because he is working.
Sorry had to vent, and to show you that you aren't the only one. I don't have any advise, but just that I know how hard it is and how frustrating it is to be the bigger person, and not to let the anger eat at you and just know that as others have said kids are smarter than we think they are and can sense things, if you just go that little extra mile (easier said than done) your daughter will remember that you did the best that you could. Good luck

 

[pinktink83]

PLEASE DO NOT LISTEN TO MOST OF THE POSTERS ON HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!

They are DEAD WRONG. If you keep your child away from their other parent for ANY REASON without filing the proper paperwork, you risk losing custody of your child. Please do not start pulling this kind of crap. It doesnt matter what he is/is not doing. No judge is going to excuse it. And most likely YOU will be the one who gets into trouble, NOT him. Have you ever heard of the friendly parent law? Look it up. Most judges go by that nowadays.

I am divorced and I go in and out of court all the time, and discuss this stuff with lawyers. So its not that I dont understand your frustrations (I DO!!!!) b/c my ex is a first class $%#@. BUT DO NOT KEEP YOUR DAUGHTER AWAY FROM HER DAD. That is shooting yourself in the foot. You MUST keep following your parenting plan until a judge rules otherwise. If there is an emergency reason why you must keep your child away (abuse, etc) then you need to file an emergency paper with the courts stating why.

First off, I don't really understand why you guys don't have a set parenting plan that says what days your ex has her, who picks up, who drops off, who pays etc. That should have been set up when your divorce was final. Also, why is the child support not coming directly out of his paychecks? My ex gets child support taken out automatically before he even SEES his paycheck, and his employer sends it to the court.

For whatever reason you don't have these things set up, you need to get it changed NOW. I realize it is VERY hard to do any court stuff by yourself, but it is possible. There are many organizations that will help you file paperwork to get back child support pay. Also, if he is not current on his child support by the end of the year, you should be claiming her on your taxes. It probably says that somewhere in your paperwork, but if it doesn't, it needs to be added. Also, you can file to have a free mediation appointment with concilliation services through the courts. There is usually a long wait list, but its better than nothing. Sometimes it will state in your paperwork that you MUST go through them FIRST if you have conflict, BEFORE bringing it to a judge. Otherwise, you can file for a court hearing as well and let the judge hear the problems. They will probably set up another court date to rule on the issues or he will send you to concilliation services, or order you to go to an outside mediator to help resolve the conflicts. That is what my ex and I do. It is expensive, but worth it. When you split the cost 50/50 its about $150 each for an hour of mediation. But it WORKS and its cheaper than hiring an attorney. If you need to settle things in court, you can be provided a state attorney for free or discounted if you qualify. You can also receive free/discounted legal counsel on certain days at the courthouse.

Please go down to your local courthouse and inquire about these programs. Look around in the Law Library, ask questions, familiarize yourself with the different departments, talk to as many people as you can. There are many, many options out there, and you need to get this taken care of. I understand that you were young and naive when you signed the papers in the first place (I did the same thing) but now you know better than to behave like this and need to get it sorted out...for your daughter's sake and for your own.

 

[pyrxtc]

I am NOT keeping her from him. He is too busy to see her. CS is thru the court but without a "real" job, they can't take anything from him and he owes on taxes so I still get nothing.

And my local courthouse that I would ahve to go to, would be about 2 hrs away, in another state, since that is where we lived when it was filed.

 

[pinktink83]

In your OP you originally said you wanted to tell your ex that he couldnt see her since he wasn't paying. If he is bailing on her, then document it, and leave it be. If it is upsetting your daughter, then file a complaint with the court so it can be enforced.

If you file paperwork, the judge will order him to get a "Real job" and you will continue to get your child support. Yes, exes are jerks, they try to get out of paying all the time, but if you don't follow up on it, in the end its on your shoulders. I could be getting $200 more a month than I am right now, but since I have been too busy with medical issues, I haven't been able to file the paperwork to get it changed. Sucks, but its up to me to get it done.

Personally, I think you are only shooting yourself in the foot if you will not take a couple days off this month and drive over there to get it done. You can find and print court documents online now, too, if it really isn't feasible. Call the courthouse and ask about the programs. Look online. If you don't make the efforts to resolve these issues, then you really can't complain too much about it, especially when it blows up in the future. I'm just trying to give you fair warning...things will only get worse it you don't buckle down and take care of it now.

 

[pyrxtc]

I don't see anywhere in my original post where I said I won't let him see her if he doesn't pay ????????

That doesn't happen. Money does not equal visitation.

 

[Minniekins]

In your OP you originally said you wanted to tell your ex that he couldnt see her since he wasn't paying. ....

The OP never said the ex couldn't see their daughter since he wasn't paying or anything close to that! I went back and read all of her posts and she never said any such thing! She did say she wasn't sure she wanted to or would be able to, because of high gas prices, drive daughter half way to meet him for his weekend to alternate the driving. That was her main question in starting the thread, and she provided background info to the situation on her reluctance to start alternating driving for his scheduled visits. She said that he didn't want to drive the whole way to pick her up for his weekend, so he refused to come get her, and is also refusing to get her in the next couple months. It doesn't sound as though alternating was ever in the agreement they made either, as he referred to his finances as being less than when they made the original agreement, so she is not not doing her part. He doesn't follow thru on his agreement to get her for his specified visitation time, choosing to not come get her. OP is not stopping daughter from seeing the dad on her end, it's definitely on his end if he's not seeing her. In all the OP posts she is perfectly willing to let him see her, regardless of cs situation.

 

[StephMK]

Wow, OP I almost thought I was reading my own story in your posts! Though I wasn't married, my oldest DD, now 14, is from my ex bf. I broke it off when she was 6 mo old because I just knew I didn't want to raise 2 children. We never went through the court for CS so I have just learned to take whatever he sends whenever and don't stress about it. Not ideal but he's always worked bartending or in restaurants so I've just made my peace to handle it this way. I did have him sign full custody to me when she was a baby.

He is just like yours in that he has always made promises & rarely kept them. When she was little, I would meet him halfway (he was 1.5 hrs away) and he was frequently late. Finally, after warning him several times & arguing that it's disrespectful to me & her to be so unpredictable, I proved it. If he drastically tried to change the time, I told him we weren't available to meet then. I made him start coming all the way to my place if he couldn't be on time, after waiting about 15 min after the time, I started to leave w/her when he showed up. He got the message & things got better.

He was only good at visitation & CS when he had a GF he was trying to impress. He is still inconsistent about contact, calling & visits. When she was 12, my DH had the opportunity to change jobs & after lots of discussion, we moved 1000 miles away. His parents are divorced & very good to her though she doesn't see them often either. His mom often tells her to tell me what a good job I'm doing.

Over the years, I'd told him to appreciate her while we were close, she'd grow up sometime, etc. He still didn't appreciate her. She is too nice to ever tell him he disappoints her or is mad at him but I've always been respectful & never bad mouthed him. However, as she's older, I have told her she is allowed to express her opinion & can tell him how things make her feel - heaven knows, she has no trouble expressing herself to me!

It has not been ideal but he did fly out & stay w/us last year & she stayed w/him 2 weeks last summer. I think she has accepted him for what he is and the times they do spend together. She doesn't go out of her way to contact him now either because he's so inconsistent about returning calls. It can be sad because that's not what I wanted for her but I have also learned it's less stressful & more peaceful to accept what you can't change.Ex wants DD to go to college near him & live w/him & his GF. I actually don't mind the idea and am only afraid of DD getting disappointed once again.

Best wishes, it is certainly never easy. My BF grew up w/a divorced dad that was similarly inconsistent & has zero contact w/her dad and wants no part of him. I wish these types of dads would think about the future and how their actions now might affect the type of relationship they end up w/their kids get to make their own decisions. Good luck.

 

[Karlzmom]

My perspective comes from being the child of divorce and a divorcee myself [gee, does it run in families ] *warning, this perspective is *mine" and is not a commentary on someone else's perspective. It may *offend* someone anyway....proceed with caution.*

1) my father was a deadbeat. Period. Paid the minimum if forced. Quit jobs to not have to pay, made an arrangement to get paid under the table, etc. I learned a lot of this as a teen and a young adult. I'll never forget the day he bragged to me about how he was avoiding paying CS for my 1/2 bro and sis - he claimed he had "the system down".

2) my mom NEVER mentioned it as a kid. Period. She did what she had to do..money was always tight, but she never complained. When my younger Bro turned 18, she told the court to write-off the arrears. When I asked her, she explained the point was to have the money at the time for us, not to have a perpetual account to play collection agent on.

3) by letting me find out myself what a schmuck my father is, my mother gave me an amazing gift. I was able to love my father growing up, despite his flaws. My mom is my hero....I haven't spoken to my dad in a decade. In the end it was all my choice, not one colored by her.

4) My mom gave me some brilliant advice in dealing with my own ex, I I follow it because I know she walked it... "You picked him, and there was once a time that you thought you couldn't live without him. If he couldn't be responsible/reasonable/kind enough to make you keep him when he HAD a reason to be, why would you think he will now?" or more succinctly, "He's and Ex for a reason"...

Mom's words were strong medicine, and they frankly ticked me off at the time. I really resented her basically saying that I created my own problem...but the truth is no one could have talked me out of the relationship at the time. I would have resented the h*ll out of anyone who tried. It took a couple of years, but those words became really freeing for me. Sometimes life is like that. I don't ever expect anything other than a hassle, and am occasionally pleasantly surprised when he acts decently.

You can't control him. You can enforce the judgment if you want, but expect that you'll be playing detective/collection agency in perpetuity. You might be better off to just accept the situation as the consequence for a poor choice, count your child among you're blessings, and be grateful you've got a couple of years left. It will be a struggle, but there may be some peace for you as it lets the anger go.... Best of luck to you whatever you chose to do.....

 

[ty&brenmom]

My perspective comes from being the child of divorce and a divorcee myself [gee, does it run in families ] *warning, this perspective is *mine" and is not a commentary on someone else's perspective. It may *offend* someone anyway....proceed with caution.*

1) my father was a deadbeat. Period. Paid the minimum if forced. Quit jobs to not have to pay, made an arrangement to get paid under the table, etc. I learned a lot of this as a teen and a young adult. I'll never forget the day he bragged to me about how he was avoiding paying CS for my 1/2 bro and sis - he claimed he had "the system down".

2) my mom NEVER mentioned it as a kid. Period. She did what she had to do..money was always tight, but she never complained. When my younger Bro turned 18, she told the court to write-off the arrears. When I asked her, she explained the point was to have the money at the time for us, not to have a perpetual account to play collection agent on.

3) by letting me find out myself what a schmuck my father is, my mother gave me an amazing gift. I was able to love my father growing up, despite his flaws. My mom is my hero....I haven't spoken to my dad in a decade. In the end it was all my choice, not one colored by her.

4) My mom gave me some brilliant advice in dealing with my own ex, I I follow it because I know she walked it... "You picked him, and there was once a time that you thought you couldn't live without him. If he couldn't be responsible/reasonable/kind enough to make you keep him when he HAD a reason to be, why would you think he will now?" or more succinctly, "He's and Ex for a reason"...

Mom's words were strong medicine, and they frankly ticked me off at the time. I really resented her basically saying that I created my own problem...but the truth is no one could have talked me out of the relationship at the time. I would have resented the h*ll out of anyone who tried. It took a couple of years, but those words became really freeing for me. Sometimes life is like that. I don't ever expect anything other than a hassle, and am occasionally pleasantly surprised when he acts decently.

You can't control him. You can enforce the judgment if you want, but expect that you'll be playing detective/collection agency in perpetuity. You might be better off to just accept the situation as the consequence for a poor choice, count your child among you're blessings, and be grateful you've got a couple of years left. It will be a struggle, but there may be some peace for you as it lets the anger go.... Best of luck to you whatever you chose to do.....

Wow, what an amazing mom you had and it sounds like she raised you well, I to do not speak ill of my exes. I do have a problem with trying to get him to be the father he should be. With all that has gone on with my ex in the last two weeks, even though this was not directed to me has hit home and was the perfect advise for me at this time.
Thanks!!!

 

[bwatlas]

pyrxtc - hang in there, and document. Document, document, document - latenesses, cancellations, etc etc.. Let your daughter form her own opinion, too. I know there are things you can do, but I however, know of none of them personally, but do know that you will need proof. I had a friend who went through something similar, and when he got new gf to 'show off' as mentioned in another post, he got part custody. No matter the fact of everything he did until that time, and she had no proof, and had not documented anything with dates, times, etc. When gf left, he want back to being like your ex, and she had to pay to undo all the partial custody stuff, and now has sole custody, had him give up parental rights, and she in turn would not go after CS. Her DD is now friends with my DD.

Also, from another post, yes, she does share in our 'financial planning woes'. She wants it all (after all we are 15 now), and we sit and 'budget' when she can get it, and how much she needs to contribute to it. She is older now, and money does come faster to her with and chores to do, babysitting and mowing neighbors lawns, etc, but this has always been no secret in our house. Money is tight, and together we come up with a plan to help her reach her goal. She is in AP classes and an honor roll student, so if I did or am doing something wrong as a parent, I guess I'm not seeing it.

But, OP, let daughter help and or make decisions, and be involved in processes. Does she want to go, let her decide before agreeing to meet. If she does, fine. As for meeting him, if you can, do so, and do the 15 min AT MOST wait for him. Let your DD know this up front, also. That if he is late, it is NOT HERS OR YOUR FAULT, and he will have to come and get her if he wants to see her. If he cancels, tell DD why. She is at age where in no time, she is going to have a social life, and not have the time, or even want to, wait around for dad, she's going to want to do her own thing.
You can't make him be the parent you want him to be, as said earlier, but you can support DD, and be there for her, but let her involved in decisions. Mine always has been, and I do feel it's important. She (my DD) has not led a sheltered life by any means. She's also an assistant Sunday School teacher and works with kids at church camps in the summer. So, despite what he's not done for her, I think she's a well grounded teenager, who I am proud of.

and to Karlzmom
That is how I'm raising my DD. She has been able to form her own opinion. She has me listed as her hero on her myspace page, we have a great relationship, and she knows I don't blame her for 'my problem'. We have it tough at times, but his theory is 'i want to see what my money is paying for' so I didn't take any money. So now at 15, she has figured out the HE chose not to have anything to do with her (hasn't seen her since she was 18 months old). I've never lied, and I do answer her questions open and honest.

Now, if anybody can give me advice on how to help wtih Trig homework, please PM me.

 

[Erin13178]

I'm sorry you are dealing with him, he sounds like a jerk. I think you have given him more then enough chances and if he doesn't want to meet you halfway, then sorry about his luck. And if he's ten minutes late, I would just leave, that is the standards the courts set for me, to wait for ten min and if he wasn't there I could come home.

Thankfully, I don't have to deal with my ex, well not at this point. He's locked up, real real nice, I know. But on the other hand, when he gets out he'll owe my 4 year old just under $18,000. Do you know what I could do with that money? And no he's not been locked up the entire time she's been alive, he just worked and wouldn't pay, he went MIA on us so he didn't have to pay. Of course then he didn't see her either, which is best. Anyway, I'm ranting about my ex, sorry about that.

I think you have been very accomodating of his behavior, and I think if he doesn't want to meet you on your terms since he pays support when he can, then you can get her to him when you can. If he really wants to see his dd he'll make an effort, otherwise I wouldn't sweat it. She'll figure out who's been there for her soon enough.

 

[Karlzmom]

Wow, what an amazing mom you had and it sounds like she raised you well, I to do not speak ill of my exes. I do have a problem with trying to get him to be the father he should be. With all that has gone on with my ex in the last two weeks, even though this was not directed to me has hit home and was the perfect advise for me at this time.
Thanks!!!

Glad I could help
My mom is an amazing woman, and just keeps getting smarter the older I get!

 

[jaymesmommy2004]

In MI whoever is getting the child for visitation does the driving. If it is only 2 times a month there is no reason he can't drive to get her.