Divorce/Separation

[dvcgirl67]

As before, thank you all for opening up about you and your family/friends situations. It’s amazing the support I feel from people I don’t know. I have a therapy appointment tomorrow and I will discuss what I found online. I’m so torn. I have found a townhouse that’s fully renovated in a good area that I can afford. We do have a house that we will need to sell. I can’t see either of us staying there. I haven’t brought up the idea of separation yet..I want to meet with my therapist first. I am going to open a bank account in my name this week.




thank you dvcgirl..you are absolutely spot on. I feel like I’ve been sitting by watching life and not participating. I do feel amazing and I don’t want to miss it. I am very lonely and have been but I’m to the point I’d rather be alone and happy than together, still lonely and unhappy.

I think that your situation really spoke to me for one big reason....we're about the same age, and so that "last third of our lives" really begins to sink in. It's hitting me really hard. And while no marriage is perfect (anyone who claims this....is lying , mine is good. And I'm so looking forward to heading into to the next phase with my husband, because he's a good mate in life....but also because of all of the fun things we're planning on doing!

I also feel like someone has to be the strong one in any relationship, and that's you my friend. Your husband is going to wallow in his depression and likely continue to suppress who he really is. You get to be very angry about that part....he's been lying to you and to himself for a long time. But life is short, and it gets shorter as we go. You'd be giving him a big kick out of the nest....tell him, we've had a decent run. We have two great kids....now let's go be who we are....separately, but hopefully we can separate amicably. Just because you'd be ending your marriage now doesn't mean it was all bad...it just sounds like its reached its logical conclusion.

And I'll tell you what...I just read an article in the NYT. I'll find it and link it...(if you don't have a subscription you can typically read ten articles for free by just giving them our email address), about women who are older, divorced/widowed who have made the conscious choice not to couple up again. I have said to my DH...if anything happens to him, I won't look for anyone else. I won't be able to replace him. And he's said the same to me.

Another little funny story. My FIL is 92, a widowed for about a year now. He's lonely and he's on the prowl . But..he's having a tough time finding someone, probably because of his age. He was very interested in his next door neighbor. She's in her early 80s (so a child bride to him ), but he told us...she's not interested. When we asked why...he said, "she's having too much fun with all of her friends". She travels the country and world with her other girlfriends who are widowed. It's like The Golden Girls Road Show. Who wouldn't love that!!?? She has an amazing life.

There are just tons of resources out there right now to find other like-minded singles to travel with, or with a group of already established friends, or with someone you may meet in the future and decide to couple-up with. I just don't think it's all that uncommon for divorces to happen at our age, and that's not throwing in the big, big issues you've been dealing with and have uncovered. I know it won't be easy, and I say to be very careful to protect yourself financially. But I'd want to get out there and live my life to the fullest. We only get one of them. .

Here's that article: 'Over 60, Single, And Never Happier'.

https://www.nytimes.com/2024/02/21/well/live/seniors-single-dating.html

 

[Debbie Jean]

As before, thank you all for opening up about you and your family/friends situations. It’s amazing the support I feel from people I don’t know. I have a therapy appointment tomorrow and I will discuss what I found online. I’m so torn. I have found a townhouse that’s fully renovated in a good area that I can afford. We do have a house that we will need to sell. I can’t see either of us staying there. I haven’t brought up the idea of separation yet..I want to meet with my therapist first. I am going to open a bank account in my name this week.




thank you dvcgirl..you are absolutely spot on. I feel like I’ve been sitting by watching life and not participating. I do feel amazing and I don’t want to miss it. I am very lonely and have been but I’m to the point I’d rather be alone and happy than together, still lonely and unhappy.

Being alone does not mean being lonely. The loneliest people I’ve known were married.

I hope your talk with your therapist gives you comfort and clarity on how to best move forward.

Happiness is out there… you deserve it!

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

women who are older, divorced/widowed who have made the conscious choice not to couple up again

I think statistically that is panning out; women aren't getting remarried late in life as frequently compared to men who do tend to get remarried, same as the majority of divorces are initiated by women in today's age (speaking specifically here of the U.S.).

 

[disneymom1971]

Can I just send you the worlds biggest hug, and all my support and energy? I think you’re getting some great advice so I won’t add to it. But even in the midst of this pain and shock, you sound incredibly strong and I’m glad you have that strength in you. I can’t even imagine how hard this is but I truly believe there is a beautiful life for you on the other side of this.

That is so incredibly sweet. I appreciate your whole post. Some days I don’t feel very strong. I am praying for that beautiful life.

 

[flyingdumbo127]

Extra hug, Disneymom and thank you all for your kind support of our fellow Disboard friend!

 

[shh]

Been following and so glad you came back this year to update us. I think you're amazingly strong. Also think the revelation about your husband explains so much about his unsolvable depression: no meds, inpatient treatment or other attempts will work if one continues lying to themselves about something so huge as their own identity. While you've borne a lot, I also feel badly for him, for all those lost years.

I don't mean to minimize any pain, but in a way, it's a blessing that you discovered the truth, as it probably provides much-needed insights. If you do move forward without him, also maybe less guilt or uncertainty?

 

[disneymom1971]

Therapy today was…difficult. It hurt my heart to talk about how I felt reading his online posts. It makes me sad..I talked about the townhouse I’ve found and how overwhelmed I feel about starting over. I am a Christian and I’ve always felt that God will open doors to the way He is leading me. I feel that way about the rental. I happened to be looking online the day it posted. It’s in the area I’d thought I wanted to be in and the rent was several hundred dollars less than the normal so I contacted the owner. He’d had a long time renter and when he saw it, decided it needed to be completely re-done. He took it off the market after I contacted him so he could renovate which has given me time to sort out what I want. The rent will be about 100 more per month than originally advertised but it’s brand new from the flooring to the cabinets and countertops to the appliances and the central AC. I deeply feel it’s what I need to do. I can move in April 1st. I’m going to talk to my husband this weekend about separating. One thing the counselor said was that he will continue on as things are unless I do something. I can’t bare that. I can’t do this anymore. I have to make a change and live not just exist which is what we’ve both been doing. I can’t thank each of you enough for your encouragement, advice and personal stories.

 

[dvcgirl67]

Therapy today was…difficult. It hurt my heart to talk about how I felt reading his online posts. It makes me sad..I talked about the townhouse I’ve found and how overwhelmed I feel about starting over. I am a Christian and I’ve always felt that God will open doors to the way He is leading me. I feel that way about the rental. I happened to be looking online the day it posted. It’s in the area I’d thought I wanted to be in and the rent was several hundred dollars less than the normal so I contacted the owner. He’d had a long time renter and when he saw it, decided it needed to be completely re-done. He took it off the market after I contacted him so he could renovate which has given me time to sort out what I want. The rent will be about 100 more per month than originally advertised but it’s brand new from the flooring to the cabinets and countertops to the appliances and the central AC. I deeply feel it’s what I need to do. I can move in April 1st. I’m going to talk to my husband this weekend about separating. One thing the counselor said was that he will continue on as things are unless I do something. I can’t bare that. I can’t do this anymore. I have to make a change and live not just exist which is what we’ve both been doing. I can’t thank each of you enough for your encouragement, advice and personal stories.

I know this next phase will be very difficult. But I also really hope that it's at least a little bit exciting, even now, when it's also quite scary. And I know it will become more exciting and invigorating as time goes on. Sometimes in life, just making the decision is really the hardest part. You've drawn a line in the sand, and there's no staying where you are any longer. I believe that you have correctly assessed that it would only lead to stagnation and depression. Forward is the way through to what is next.

I also hope that you know that you're giving your husband a big gift. He may not see it that way right now, but it is. It's up to him to decide what he's going to do with that gift. That's no longer your job.

Again, I think what you're doing is brave and I hope you keep us posted on your progress. I know a bunch of us are interested in hearing about your journey.

 

[disneymom1971]

I signed the lease and I’ll move in April 1st. My husband thinks it’s a mistake and that he’ll do anything to keep me from moving out. I’ve bought some furniture from Facebook marketplace and a local furniture store. I was at the townhouse earlier today and it’s so light and open and peaceful..it was exciting. I felt guilty feeling that way. My husband said everyone blames him for causing this. I don’t know how to respond to that. It takes two people and I’m certainly not perfect or blameless but I also can’t take on that worry.

 

[AgentMama]

Congratulations on taking the steps for your mental health. I hope you enjoy the peace of your new place!

 

[Karin1984]

I signed the lease and I’ll move in April 1st. My husband thinks it’s a mistake and that he’ll do anything to keep me from moving out. I’ve bought some furniture from Facebook marketplace and a local furniture store. I was at the townhouse earlier today and it’s so light and open and peaceful..it was exciting. I felt guilty feeling that way. My husband said everyone blames him for causing this. I don’t know how to respond to that. It takes two people and I’m certainly not perfect or blameless but I also can’t take on that worry.

You don't have to respond to that. And you are right not to take on that worry. Most likely it wouldn't change anything. You have to work on yourself, your husband has to work on himself.

Enjoy your new place, but be prepared for the first night or nights to be emotionally exhausted. This is a big step, and the thought "now it's real", will probably overwhelm you. Or the quiet of the new place, literally and figuratively, can be overwhelming as well.

Take care.

 

[flyingdumbo127]

Take care

 

[dvcgirl67]

You don't have to respond to that. And you are right not to take on that worry. Most likely it wouldn't change anything. You have to work on yourself, your husband has to work on himself.

Enjoy your new place, but be prepared for the first night or nights to be emotionally exhausted. This is a big step, and the thought "now it's real", will probably overwhelm you. Or the quiet of the new place, literally and figuratively, can be overwhelming as well.

Take care.

Completely agree with this. It will be hard in the beginning for sure. And I'm sure your husband is reeling from it all, but it truly sounded like he hasn't been listening to you for a long time. If he was listening....he wasn't truly hearing you. That excitement that you feel....the light, openness and the peace is your future.....focus on that. Stay in therapy...and build a new community around you. You're going to be fine though. I'm excited for you too .

 

[megsters]

I signed the lease and I’ll move in April 1st. My husband thinks it’s a mistake and that he’ll do anything to keep me from moving out. I’ve bought some furniture from Facebook marketplace and a local furniture store. I was at the townhouse earlier today and it’s so light and open and peaceful..it was exciting. I felt guilty feeling that way. My husband said everyone blames him for causing this. I don’t know how to respond to that. It takes two people and I’m certainly not perfect or blameless but I also can’t take on that worry.

One of my favorite quotes that took me YEARS to learn: you don't have to attend every argument you're invited to.

Sending love. Take care of yourself!

 

[disneymom1971]

Well it’s July and I actually didn’t move in until Monday. I’ve just completed my first full week. I have been fine until late this afternoon. I don’t know why it hit me hard today. Both kids know and my FIL. My son is staying with his dad right now because I think he’s worried about him. My husband has been getting up and going to work..I was worried he would get in bed and not leave. I had lunch with my son yesterday and that was nice. My daughter is interning out of state so she won’t be home for a few more weeks. I’ve felt extremely lonely today and my mind is going places that aren’t productive. At the beginning I was uncertain what the outcome would be but it looks like it will end in divorce so I keep worrying and thinking about being alone and not having a partner and that makes me sad. I’m very shy so making friends has always been difficult for me but I need to explore meeting new people. As always, thanks for following along.

 

[focusondisney]

Well it’s July and I actually didn’t move in until Monday. I’ve just completed my first full week. I have been fine until late this afternoon. I don’t know why it hit me hard today. Both kids know and my FIL. My son is staying with his dad right now because I think he’s worried about him. My husband has been getting up and going to work..I was worried he would get in bed and not leave. I had lunch with my son yesterday and that was nice. My daughter is interning out of state so she won’t be home for a few more weeks. I’ve felt extremely lonely today and my mind is going places that aren’t productive. At the beginning I was uncertain what the outcome would be but it looks like it will end in divorce so I keep worrying and thinking about being alone and not having a partner and that makes me sad. I’m very shy so making friends has always been difficult for me but I need to explore meeting new people. As always, thanks for following along.

It takes a tremendous amount of courage to make such a huge life change. After a few days, reality has probably hit you. I hope you’re still seeing your therapist to help you process everything you’re going thru.