DIVORCE and the destruction it leaves....sigh

[Goldilocks07]

Hi all... after reading this board and wiping away countless tears, my drama really doesn't seem that terrible. My heart aches for all of you who've lost love ones- especially children. Ohhhh....makes me tear just typing this.
I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I have a 1.5 year old AMAZING little girl, and a horrible, HORRIBLE husband. He isn't abusive (physically) but is just a negative, glass half-empty type of person. He is constantly stressed and stressful to be around, never has anything nice to say, and makes traveling for me borderline unbearable- to the point now that I hope and pray he doesn't want to go on the trip. No one likes my husband, so therefore we never get invited to things- my BIL has a big cruise (not Disney, darn it!) planned for his 40th birthday and my sister and he don't want my husband to go. So we aren't, because I just can't deal with the drama. I checked out of this relationship a year ago (mentally), and I just really don't want to be with him. If he would just leave the apartment and disappear my life would be perfect!!! Alas....I am not financially stable and getting a divorce would mean a significant life change for myself.
So, I am in this hole- I have been miserable for sooooo long. I thought I could stay strong for my daughter- the thought of custody issues and the back and forth and visitation- ugh. Breaks my heart.

I know that many many people go through this, and have it WAY worse than I do. This is why I came to this thread, to get support from others who have made it through, and give me advice.

I really don't want to be divorced, but I REALLY don't want to be with my husband. I feel tired, sad, resentful, and guilty.

Thank you all for listening.

 

[smitch425]

Hi all... after reading this board and wiping away countless tears, my drama really doesn't seem that terrible. My heart aches for all of you who've lost love ones- especially children. Ohhhh....makes me tear just typing this.
I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I have a 1.5 year old AMAZING little girl, and a horrible, HORRIBLE husband. He isn't abusive (physically) but is just a negative, glass half-empty type of person. He is constantly stressed and stressful to be around, never has anything nice to say, and makes traveling for me borderline unbearable- to the point now that I hope and pray he doesn't want to go on the trip. No one likes my husband, so therefore we never get invited to things- my BIL has a big cruise (not Disney, darn it!) planned for his 40th birthday and my sister and he don't want my husband to go. So we aren't, because I just can't deal with the drama. I checked out of this relationship a year ago (mentally), and I just really don't want to be with him. If he would just leave the apartment and disappear my life would be perfect!!! Alas....I am not financially stable and getting a divorce would mean a significant life change for myself.
So, I am in this hole- I have been miserable for sooooo long. I thought I could stay strong for my daughter- the thought of custody issues and the back and forth and visitation- ugh. Breaks my heart.

I know that many many people go through this, and have it WAY worse than I do. This is why I came to this thread, to get support from others who have made it through, and give me advice.

I really don't want to be divorced, but I REALLY don't want to be with my husband. I feel tired, sad, resentful, and guilty.

Thank you all for listening.

Sorry you are going through this. Is there anyone who could take you in until you can get your financial situation to where it needs to be? Maybe your parents or a friend that would be willing to share an apartment? Have you considered marriage counseling? Are you both willing to try to make it work or are you past that point? Where is his head at relationship-wise? We're here for you.

 

[Goldilocks07]

My parents live in another state- I can't say what my in-laws would do, they know their son is difficult and have told me in the past they would support me in any decision I make- but as we all know, blood is thicker than water.

There are a few options, but they aren't good. I live in Manhattan now, so space is limited everywhere. I have a few friends who live outside Manhattan, but it would be tough not being in the city. Hopefully, I can just get an apartment immediately. Things move pretty fast here. The problem, is that since the baby I hardly work, so it would be impossible to get an apartment without a co-signer. Ugh.

We are going for marriage counseling soon. I just got the number for someone. The problem, is that my husband doesn't see himself as the issue. It's everyone else. That's how he sees the world: as imperfect. Well DUH, of course it is! But that's what makes all the happy moments special in the first place. My husband sees life as an obstacle.

I will go through the motions of counseling, but it is very hard because I just don't really care anymore. It's hard to work with someone who isn't willing to change, and doesn't see himself as the problem.

Thank you for your support....I will be checking back regularly.

On a side note, the good news is I have a Disney trip planned with my parents at AK coming up in November. Woo hoo! The bad news, is that my husband (I guess??) is coming too, and doesn't get along with my mom. He is so pissed that I got a 2 bedroom lockoff instead of 2 separate one-bedrooms (too many points!). My parents are wonderful people who have dealt with his crappy personality all this time and still put a smile on their faces when they see him!!! Ugh. I dont want him to go and ruin the most amazing place!!!

 

[smitch425]

My parents live in another state- I can't say what my in-laws would do, they know their son is difficult and have told me in the past they would support me in any decision I make- but as we all know, blood is thicker than water.

There are a few options, but they aren't good. I live in Manhattan now, so space is limited everywhere. I have a few friends who live outside Manhattan, but it would be tough not being in the city. Hopefully, I can just get an apartment immediately. Things move pretty fast here. The problem, is that since the baby I hardly work, so it would be impossible to get an apartment without a co-signer. Ugh.

We are going for marriage counseling soon. I just got the number for someone. The problem, is that my husband doesn't see himself as the issue. It's everyone else. That's how he sees the world: as imperfect. Well DUH, of course it is! But that's what makes all the happy moments special in the first place. My husband sees life as an obstacle.

I will go through the motions of counseling, but it is very hard because I just don't really care anymore. It's hard to work with someone who isn't willing to change, and doesn't see himself as the problem.

Thank you for your support....I will be checking back regularly.

On a side note, the good news is I have a Disney trip planned with my parents at AK coming up in November. Woo hoo! The bad news, is that my husband (I guess??) is coming too, and doesn't get along with my mom. He is so pissed that I got a 2 bedroom lockoff instead of 2 separate one-bedrooms (too many points!). My parents are wonderful people who have dealt with his crappy personality all this time and still put a smile on their faces when they see him!!! Ugh. I dont want him to go and ruin the most amazing place!!!

Try to keep an open mind in therapy. Maybe your husband will be able to learn some things about himself with the help of the therapist, too. As for your trip, have you talked about him not going? If he is going to be angry the whole time, maybe he'd be better off sitting this one out. Is it your DD's first trip? I could see where he why he would still want to be there if it is. If you have a good relationship with his mom, I would confide in her and see where her head is at. Maybe she can help. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[mommasita]

I'm sorry to read about this. I think I'm the last to offer advice in this area.

I wish for the best for your entire family. Whatever that is.

 

[Goldilocks07]

Thanks all-
I will try and keep an open mind in therapy, but it's hard when you live with someone who is miserable all the time, from sun up to sun down.
As I sit and type this now he is having a melt down trying to deal with our mortgage.

It will be our DD's third trip. Yes, he wants to be a part of it-

I can't type anymore now, I have to get out of this apartment....

 

[Schmeck]

Thanks all-
I will try and keep an open mind in therapy, but it's hard when you live with someone who is miserable all the time, from sun up to sun down.
As I sit and type this now he is having a melt down trying to deal with our mortgage.

It will be our DD's third trip. Yes, he wants to be a part of it-

I can't type anymore now, I have to get out of this apartment....

Wait, you can afford all these Disney trips (3 in 1 1/2 years) but he's struggling with the mortgage? Yes, I can see why he might be a little angry and stressed out.

Please go to the marriage counselor with an open mind and heart - you may be half the problem here. Marriage takes 2 people, with lots of communication. If he was such a horrible, unhappy person, why did you marry him? Have a child with him? Was this a sudden change in his personality?

There's got to be a reason why he is so unhappy - he's your husband, find the reason why and go from there. Maybe he doesn't love you anymore, maybe he's worried about something, maybe it's clinical depression, etc. You both (and your daughter) deserve to know the reason why things are the way they are. Maybe they can be fixed without a divorce, who knows until you find out?

 

[Karabee]

What a pickle! It really sound like you are more miserable then anything. You need to have an idea in your head of "what is too much". How long are you willing to go to therapy without any change from him? Could you start saving money now so that you have something to fall back on if worse comes to worse. I feel for you - keep in mind we only have one life to live - and we should be happy in it. You deserve that too!

 

[Goldilocks07]

Wait, you can afford all these Disney trips (3 in 1 1/2 years) but he's struggling with the mortgage? Yes, I can see why he might be a little angry and stressed out.

Please go to the marriage counselor with an open mind and heart - you may be half the problem here. Marriage takes 2 people, with lots of communication. If he was such a horrible, unhappy person, why did you marry him? Have a child with him? Was this a sudden change in his personality?

There's got to be a reason why he is so unhappy - he's your husband, find the reason why and go from there. Maybe he doesn't love you anymore, maybe he's worried about something, maybe it's clinical depression, etc. You both (and your daughter) deserve to know the reason why things are the way they are. Maybe they can be fixed without a divorce, who knows until you find out?

I 100 percent see where you are coming from. It is so very hard to communicate 8 years of a relationship in a paragraph on a discussion board, so please understand that there is WAYYYYY more to the story than I have the time or energy to type-
But just a clip: he is angry and stressed out bc he feels he should be (financially) in a different place than he is- he is the silver spoon in the mouth type- works in the family business and doesn't get along with the family. I'm sure you've seen this episode of my life on Dallas.....lol (not really funny, but trying to make light of it....)

Yes, we can 'afford' these trips bc our DVC points are paid for in full- and flight costs/park tx/dinners aren't considered super big expenditures- I mean, yes they are...but at the same time we still take these trips.
Ugh. So hard to explain and articulate.
Our mortage(s) (we have TWO) are pretty big- and I guess it's just stressful for me to hear my husband literally yell and complain to me that I am CHEAP (when I am trying to save money) yet at the same time he says we are 'tight' and have 'no money' and we have to 'really watch our trips and what we spend'.

Clearly, we have a miscommunication problem.

Anyway, my issues are WAY less than what is going on within this sub-board. I'm just glad some people are out there to listen.
Thanks all...

 

[Christine]

Goldilocks--I'm sure there is lots more to go into but can you articulate what has changed about him? You indicate that you have had a relationship for 8 years. I'm thinking that obviously if he was like this from the beginning, you would not have married the man. Something has changed in him? Maybe if you can figure out the turning point, you can work from there. If there hasn't been a change and you just were blinded to the red flags, then that's another matter. I do believe that some therapy is worth a try; however, if the person doesn't show a willingness to make any change, then I would not stick around.

As I'm sure you know now, become financially dependent on anyone these days is not a good idea. While you are working with the therapist you need to work hard to find a way to be more independent should things not improve in your marriage.