Disney Wedding Never Happening?

[ashley389]

So, here's the story of a decision I have to make. My boyfriend of 5 years and I had it all planned out. We were going to get engaged this summer and get married next summer at SBP. I already contacted a wedding planner and had almost everything all decided. You shoul know that when we 1st started dating my bf told me he did not want to ever have children. I was fine with that and thought that I never wanted kids either. Now that I am a little older, my thoughts have changed all of a sudden. I am seeing all of my friends get married and have kids. So, I told my bf my feelings and he basically told me I need to decide. If I want children I have to find someone else. He said he wants me to be happy, and I might have to be happy with someone else if i want kids. I have no idea what to do. I don;t want to get married and regret the fact that I didnt have kids later down the road. He is dead set on not being a dad. On the other hand, how do I leave someone i love planned my life with? has anyone else ever been in a similar situation and what did you do?

 

[OceanGdss]

Aww..first of all, *hugs* for being in that difficult situation. My story was kind of opposite. When DF and I met I was anti-kids, anti-marriage, etc. My mother has been married/divorced 4 times, and she's only 44. I didnt want to go down that road. And I was at a point in my life, at 20 yrs old, that I didnt want to settle down, have heavy responsibility (like kids), and give up MY life for anyone else (kids, husband, etc). I wanted to be that head-strong indipendant travelling woman that wound up taking pictures for national geographic while living in South America somewhere. (I STILL dream about picking up and moving to Ecuador someday lol...I tell DF about it all the time. We've since compromised and decided we'll move from Florida to Europe when our future-children are grown..maybe England or Spain) But when I fell in love with him my mind absolutely changed. I couldnt WAIT to get married! And over time, my baby-clock started ticking..I realized I DID want children. I've since decided that I want to have 1 or 2, but to fulfill my giving-back-and-living-with-the-world-peace-corp mentality, I also want to adopt in the future. Anyhow, thats my story. It was compromise, on both of our parts. DF wanted marriage, and a family, I wanted independance and adventure...we realize we can have both in one lifetime...each decade can bring a new chapter to our story..and we can share what we BOTH want as individuals TOGETHER. Love is compromise. It always will be. I wish there was some way to make your DBF understand this. I can only imagine the pain you must be in to have to make a decision like this. But you have to be a bit selfish here...think about what YOU want. Talk openly with your DBF about ALL the possibilities. Would he be open to adopting an older child in the future? Would you be willing to wait 5-10 years to start a family so he can have his Non-Dad time? If there can be no compromise...you will have to go with your heart. You will always go through pangs of wanting children, then there will be weeks in a row where you swear you'll never have them! lol If you decide to leave your DBF, what will the future hold there? I don't believe in just ONE person for everyone. I really don't believe in 'made for each other' either. I think successful marriages realize that two people randomly meet and just love each other's faults, but that there is no such thing as 'in the stars'....marriage wouldnt be WORK if there were such a thing as soul mates. So maybe someone else is out there for you. I also believe we meet every person in our lives for a reason. Some are meant to be in our lives forever, and some are meant to teach us something about ourselves and then fade out of our lives. We've all been through long relationships with who we thought was 'the ONE'...only to marry someone else 5 years later. Go with your heart, don't worry about what anyone else thinks, and appreciate his honesty...even though it hurts.

 

[ashley389]

Thank you so much. I know I have to do what is right for me, otherwise i would regret it later down the road, and i may end up resenting him or something. Its just hard to think about leaving someone when other than that the relationship is perfect. To top it off I received an email from Brianna from the Disney Weddings, talking about our Escape wedding

 

[Cosi Bella]

I'm so sorry you have to go through this! I feel for you after reading your story and it really makes me so sad!! I wish there were a simple answer to your dilemma.

I give you so much credit and I applaud your courage for being able to realize that there is possibly a path that you will have to travel that you don't want to. I know a lot of people are terrified of the thought that they may have to walk away from something that they've known and loved for a long time, and because of that afraidness, they simply ignore their wants, and their desires! But I do think it is really important to think about you and what you want in your life. If your DBF doesn't want kids, and you do, I think there is a possibility that this is a hurdle that you two as a couple will never get over. There is a really good chance that part of you will always "regret" not having kids if you go down that road... you might resent him for not giving this to you...you might always have this "empty" feeling too, if the motherly instinct in you is strong... Some women are like that!! You have to ask yourself if you can live your life like that... maybe you can, maybe you can't... it is something you're going to have to reflect upon and decide.

I agree with Meg (Oceangdss), I truly believe that things happen for a reason... that people come into our lives and teach us something and help us. Some are meant to always be there with us, and some are only in our lives for a while. But they all play an important role in shaping who we are, and who we turn out to be. Don't be afraid of the unknown, and don't be afraid to find out what if?? I think the best thing you can do is talk with DBF, and think up some compromises... adoption of an older child (relieves some of the more stressful parenting situations that come with raising a child from birth)... maybe 5-10 years from now to give DBF time to "relax and be young"... But also think about this in terms of yourself. Is this something that you can live with? Would this make you happy? Because remember, you have to be okay and happy with the compromise too or it wont work. I really hope that you find peace in this difficult situation!

 

[Lorelei528]

Sometimes things are just not meant to be...not meaning you and your guy, but...
I always thought I'd have kids, I always wanted them. But, due to circumstances beyond my control (health reasons-having type 1 diabetes, being 40) and financial reasons, I have come to accept the fact that I will not be able to be a mommy. We wouldn't be able to adopt as it's too expensive and by the time we could maybe afford to give a child the life we'd want them to have, we'd be too old to be new parents.
Also, as I have gotten older I find I have less and less patience for babies and kids.
My guy is a lot younger than me and we have had to have the kids conversation a few times...he has told me again and again, first of all, he has kind of changed his mind about having kids but also he loves me and if I can't have kids, then has accepted that there will be no kids. (Only furbabies).

This is what life has dealt me, sometimes things don't happen as we plan, but sometimes we have to change our life plan...it's difficult for sure, the decision making.

My cousin also never wanted kids and her husband might have wanted them I was told, but he also wanted to be with her more than he wanted to be a dad I guess...

Do what feels right to you. But give it lots of thought either way.

Wishing you no matter what!!! Lots of love-

Lori

 

[dalepool]

Having children alters everything in life as you know it to today. Children alter your pocketbook--(you can not feed 4 for the price of 2), alters your body (enough said on that), Your time is altered (how moms work and care for a household is sure a mystery to me), and it will most importantly alter ALONE time with you and husband.

Do not plan on his changing his mind and lets say you found out one day you were expecting--- that might be a marriage breaker. If he were to have the surgery to insure he never has children (which he may have already) could you then be happy knowing you would not for sure ever have children unless he reversed it. I am trying to say do not count on getting married and trying to change his mind.

I wish you the best of luck. I do not envy you. Take time it will work out one way or the other and you will make it thru this hard time in your life.

Patty

 

[hoosiergirl7]

I hate to be a Debbie Downer but this is the way I see it. You two have been dating for 5 yrs and he still says that he doesn't want to have kids. He means it and there is no way of changing his mind. And I think it would be horribly irresponsible of you after marriage to have a planned "whoops" because you want kids. That would be totally breaking the promise you made to him upon taking your vows. I've also heard it's not uncommon for husbands whose wives get pregnant to leave them after they've said they don't want kids.

You have two choices. If you really love this man and can't see yourself with anyone else one of you is going to have to be sterilized to ensure that no accidents EVER happen. It also means that you have to come to grips that you will never be a mom. However if you really want children and can't see your life without them then you need to take a deep breath and move on so that you can be with someone who wants children as much as you do.

As they say at the beginning of every wedding I've ever been to..."Marriage should not be entered into lightly..." For it to work major things like children should be agreed upon before you say 'I do'.

You also have to ask yourself could you handle being a single mom if in fact you did get pregnant and your husband walked out on you and divorced you for going against what he wanted.

Good luck in making your decision. I know it won't be an easy one either way.

 

[pink_tink8i8]

That is a really difficult situation that you are in. I say that if there is any sort of inkling that you may want kids, even down the road, I think you need to move on as hard as that may be. You should not give up the opportunity for you to have children if you think you may want some.

 

[RenB21]

Hi, I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this.

I always wanted children, and me and hubby talked about when dating, when engaged and when we got married. Then my parents got divorced, and it changed my thoughts on all sorts of things, including wanting children.

When I mentioned this to hubby, he was fine with it, he loved me and was with me for me, not for children we may or may not have.

I'm not sure where we'll end up or whether we will have children or not, but that's further down the line.

My only thought would be - and I hope I don't offend or upset anyone - but if you were to split up, and met someone else, what if you then couldn't have children (this does happen as my family knows!). It would be a shame to end a relationship where everything is good, for the potential of a child, that may not happen.

I wish you luck in making a decision, I'm sure its very difficult.

 

[IndyBride]

I'm really sorry you are having such doubts on your relationship and your own feelings. I don't have any experience to help you. Just listen to your heart. Good luck!

 

[PhilHarMaestro]

My DF and I went through a similar situation 1 year ago, involvings, kids, careers, family, etc. Every person in my family is divorced and I am his one and only girlfriend (ever ) And we decided that we would take a break (not the kind Ross and Rachel had). I went to Las Vegas (the place where I would be if I hadn't made the choices I had with DF) and he stayed in our house. And we still talked everyday (and there was not cheating or dating, mind you) and we just took some time to figure out who we are without each other and kind of seeing if being together and making comprimises was worth the advantages of living our lives exactly as we pleased. It was one the best experiences of my life and now I know that I wont' ever look back and say what if (at least not when in comes to DF)? Before I got back, we had already decided we wanted to be together. I came home and bought my wedding dress two weeks later.

Good Luck.

BTW: I vowed my whole life that I would never have kids. (There's a lot of drugs and abuse in my fam. and I wasn't interested in complicating things further.) But as I get older, I'm reconsidering (not sold yet though )!

Best Wishes!!

Take some time for you and see how you feel!

 

[dmslush]

I would evaluate WHY you want children. I mean, why is your decision all of a sudden changing? You say that you are seeing friends get married and have kids, and sure those babies are adorable, but does it really, really mean that you want the responsiblity of children? Before you leave someone that you love, I would really look at this decision and figure out if it you are wanting a child because you want to be a mother forever, or are you having a child because you see your friends with something new and cute that you think would be nice.

My dh wanted children of his own.. however, he ended up falling in love with me. I had a dd from a previous marraige and couldn't have anymore children. He adopted her and we are a nice little family. He could have left me for someone who would have given him 'his' children, but he chose to stay and after being together 12 years, he is pretty happy with his decision.

 

[Lynn5700]

Aww I'm so sorry! I think you both really need to talk it out I mean it's easy for him to say me or a baby but could he really go through with it? You know what I mean.

If you don't mind me asking how old is your bf? Does he just not want kids now because he's young still or id he dead set on kids.

If you really want to be a mother and have kids one day then you have to do what makes you happy. This is a tough situation...just know that you are the only one who can make yourself happy and you have to look at what is best for you.

People change so it is OK if you want to have a baby now..it just means that you are ready and when you know in your heart thats what you want then you need to go with that.

 

[MomPlanner22]

My DF and I went through a similar situation 1 year ago, involvings, kids, careers, family, etc. Every person in my family is divorced and I am his one and only girlfriend (ever ) And we decided that we would take a break (not the kind Ross and Rachel had). I went to Las Vegas (the place where I would be if I hadn't made the choices I had with DF) and he stayed in our house. And we still talked everyday (and there was not cheating or dating, mind you) and we just took some time to figure out who we are without each other and kind of seeing if being together and making comprimises was worth the advantages of living our lives exactly as we pleased. It was one the best experiences of my life and now I know that I wont' ever look back and say what if (at least not when in comes to DF)? Before I got back, we had already decided we wanted to be together. I came home and bought my wedding dress two weeks later.

Good Luck.

BTW: I vowed my whole life that I would never have kids. (There's a lot of drugs and abuse in my fam. and I wasn't interested in complicating things further.) But as I get older, I'm reconsidering (not sold yet though )!

Best Wishes!!

Take some time for you and see how you feel!

As someone who has been married for close to 16 years and the mother of two, I can say that this is excellent advice. While it is true that marriage should not be entered into lightly, bringing a child into this world is 100x times that at least. They will change everything about your life and your marriage. You have to both be committed to it with your entire being.

There are no guarantees in life and that includes children. They are not always adorable and healthy and pregnancies aren't ice cream and glowing until you get an epidural. You need the complete support of one another from day one. If you aren't both on board, the damage and resentment is almost irreperable.

My DH and I were very blessed in that after 9 years of marriage, we conceived our first child and it could not have been a more perfect experience. Two years later our daughter was born and we spent the first 2 years of her life in hell -- she was ill and it was difficult beyond belief. The stress on our marriage was indescribable -- and ours was rock solid.

And remember -- a wedding is a day but a marriage is a lifetime. You are wise to focus on the marriage aspect of this and not the wedding. Take time apart and figure it out. Counseling may not hurt either.

Good luck in your process!

 

[ashley389]

Thanks for all the advice so far. I am 24, and my boyfriend is a little older...he just turned 35. He says he will be too old to be a dad if he waits til hes around 40...which I told him that is how old a lot of people are when they have kids now days. I am a very family oriented person, and im pretty sure that in the future i would want kids.. And the thought has crossed my mind about what if i left and found out i wasnt able to have kids anyway or something. This is such a hard decision

 

[Disneyaddict1973]

Omigosh, what a dilemma! I got pregnant when I was 24 and my DBF at the time (who later became my DH) was 36. I was hesitant to have a baby when I was that young. Well, I trucked on despite his protest and had my DD. We got married and I got pregnant again 3 years later. HE WAS NOT HAPPY! He threatened me with divorce, and was generally a total nightmare to deal with. To be BRUTALLY honest with you, THE AGE DIFFERENCE was the main problem in our marriage. I was at the begining of my life and he was well in the middle ( I never saw this problem then). Sure, we loved each other like crazy, and had lots in common. However, successful marriages require a common tie that goes so beyond that. You need NEED to have the same values, and the same life's plan. Without that, you're sunk. Love will bind you forever, but it WILL NOT tie you forever. After going through all that, we divorced after 6 years. Wish I had considered all of these things back then. I certainly do not regret having my kids...they are the best thing that ever happened to me, but divorce isn't easy on kids. Thankfully I finally found "the one" and we are getting married in less than a month. He loves my kids and accepts them as his own. He and I have THE SAME PLAN in life, we work everyday towards that. I wish you the best of luck my friend. Philharmaestro had great advice, I sure wish I had done the same thing. Would have still had my kids but NEVER would have married him!

 

[MyMelody]

Having children alters everything in life as you know it to today. Children alter your pocketbook--(you can not feed 4 for the price of 2), alters your body (enough said on that), Your time is altered (how moms work and care for a household is sure a mystery to me), and it will most importantly alter ALONE time with you and husband.

Patty

Not sure if Patty has kids but this is VERY insulting to me.
Towards what is says in this quote I personally think that is you have kids
you might as well write "I personally wish mine were never born" cause I think to any other mother out on this board everything you wrote on that is false!!


As a mother I would not change it for the world Everyone is different and has different feeling on this topic. I can tell you that at the age of 23 I did not want kids. As a matter of fact everything else in the world was way more important to even think about kids. I come from a big family and I realized at about 25 that I was starting to have maternal instincts. I would look at kids very different. I did not plan to get pregnant at 26 but would never change the life I have now for what I had before. If you feel like you are starting to get maternal than nothing is going to change that. You both are on different paths in your lives. What are you going to do if you get pregnant like I did "not planned" and he then tells you to choose between the baby or him, then what? Look what I am trying to say is that if he loves you with or without the kids he is going to love you. Also about the age things my mother had me at 36 and my daddy was 44 and he was a daddy like any other daddy. So to be honest this is going to be a hard choice for you. Think about it before it is to late cause I also think he is being a little selfish not thinking about your feelings towards such an important matter.

Hope everything works out for you my heart goes out to you. Your heart will lead you to a correct choice...

 

[friendofgusgus]

Ashley-

I saw your thread a couple of days ago but wanted to wait until I had thought out my response through before posting it. I am really feeling for you - I had a broken engagement when I was younger and thought it was truly the end of my world.

Of course I know now that it was not - in 2006 I married my prince at the WP - and he was worth waiting for. He is my match, my compliment, my biggest fan and the love of my life.

Do not settle for part of your dreams. If having children is something you cannot see yourself living without, you owe it to yourself not to settle for less. Your fairy tale day will come but not as the end of a planning period - but as the beginning of your love story.

You are too young to give up those possibilities. Someone wise once said, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them." (I think that is credited to Maya Angelou)

Your BF has shown you - and told you - who he is. He is a man who loves you but does not share your dreams for the future. You deserve a man who does share your vision of your life. He is out there and you cannot find him while you are with a man who does not.

I know how hard it is to let go of something you want so very much. I know how hard it is to wait for the unknown instead of keeping what you have, no matter how imperfect. But you only have one life - and you deserve to have it be as happy as it possibly can.

This is not about him - it is about you. What YOU want from YOUR life. If it doesn't fit with this man, there is an aswer there. Do not allow him to dictate the circumstances of your life. If biological children were not to be with another man, there could be adoption, foster parenting, surrogacy - those options still do not exist with your present partner. It is not only the possibility of biological children you are giving up.

I truly think that you know what you would prefer in your life, and I do not believe that this relationship is it. But only you know for sure. The castle will be there, there will still be weddings... but the happily ever after is not guaranteed. You owe it to yourself go in with the best chance of creating your own fairy tale.

Very best of luck to you-

Jennifer
Disney bride in 2006

 

[DonnaBoo]

I'm sorry to hear this is happening to you. So many things to think of and it is a big decision.
I've made a lot of mistakes during my life and a lot of wrong decisions. But I finally met my prince in Oct/07, and we're in our 40's.
You never know what lies ahead, but everything happens for a reason.
Maybe he is doing you a favor and you just don't know it yet.
Best of luck to you.

 

[Brooke13]

Hello,
I figured I'd update everyone and let you know the DIS wedding really is never happening. My boyfriend and future fiance of 5 years has been cheating on me. His excuse was that he got scared when I brought up the fact I might wanna have kids. I am completely shocked and devastated. It has been going on for over a month. I found out from a neighbor whose friend worked with the girl. I dont know how to get over this. I havent eaten in days, Im constantly naucious and my heart has been pounding a mile a minute since i found out. I never in a million years could have imagined this