DIS doctors...need info regarding elderly and end of life

[Disney Doll]

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I couldn't quote DisneyDoll's questions in order to answer them, but I'll try to address them this way...........

Yes, a DNR was in place and yes, we had gone over it with the medical staff on more than one occasion. Why they would resuscitate a woman her age in her barely alive state who was coding is beyond me, let alone for over 25+ minutes with a DNR in place. But by the time they bothered to come to the waiting room and tell us what had happened, the deed (and damage) was done. Before that incident, her outlook had been grim, so dying that night would have been a blessing. This was a woman whose goal it was to die in her sleep, quickly and without it being drawn out. Go to sleep after a nice meal and a movie, and just never wake up....... Avoid hospitals at all costs. She got the exact opposite ending she had wanted. I am so sorry that happened like that. I hate when I hear stories about how the medical profession fails their patients.

The bully brother has always played that role with the other two younger brothers. They are nonconfrontational and usually give in to shut him up, because trust me, he will NOT stop until he wins. They assumed these roles decades ago, and habits are hard to break. The problem is, MY family does not tolerate bullies and we cannot bring ourselves to give in to them. So.....A confrontation is inevitable between the bully brother-in-law and me when the issue is as important as this was. And it got testy, to put it mildly. He's not used to being challenged.

After my MIL died, the other BIL and I did have a laugh about the day bully BIL and I had it out. Nice BIL said of the showdown, "At that point I said to myself.......And now, she is going to snap his neck." And nice BIL didn't sound as if that would have bothered him a bit. I have a SIL like that. She and I have gone toe to toe a number of times, but I know the secret weapon...threaten her with disownment. The one thing she is terrified of is losing contact with her siblings. The day I told her that she added nothing to my life and that I would write her off as if she never existed if she didn't stop her behavior right then is the day I gained control of the situaiton and I have never lost it. She knows I will do it.
For many reasons, I am done with bully BIL. He is rude, condescending and arrogant on his best day. I think he used his mother's last illness to play Number One Son and not to be her advocate. Dying people deserve better. His lack of compassion sickened me. He treated his brothers, who HAD taken care of their mother for decades, like secondary players. He took advantage of the fact that they were exhausted from a solid year of intense caretaking, consisting of one crisis after another, and he wore them down. I don't have to be remotely polite to him now that his mother is dead. You are absolutely right. When crazy SIL started the day her mother died, I looked at her and said "You know what, party's over. Mama isn't here to protect you any more">
I told DH that if BIL is on his deathbed someday, we need to remember that according to him, the absolute minimum of pain medication is "sufficient" and go with that dose. Perhaps a Tylenol every 12 hours. I thank God every day that when my mother was dying and my sister and I were in charge of her care, we agreed on things and kept our mother's wellbeing as our primary and only concern. Karma will get him in the end.

In our case, my mother wanted one of us with her, I believe. After reading all the posts, and realizing that the OP's mom was a career woman before that was the norm, I started wondering if maybe she of all mothers, is supremely aware of today's job market and worries that too much time off might put her DD's job at risk. (The OP said that just might be the case.) You know how many mothers worry about their children more than they worry about themselves....... Maybe she is being supremely practical and is thinking of her DD's future and that's one reason she doesn't want her to stay around on what my DH termed the "deathwatch" (no offense intended) during his mother's last few weeks. It's just a thought. If that IS the case, then the DD hanging around might actually cause the mother anxiety. All the OP can do is take her mother at her word. And NOT feel guilty afterward.