difficult Mother's Day this year

[happywanderer2]

I lost my mom this past September and it's been difficult for me. Both my parents lived with me and I helped take care of my father (who had Alzheimers)-he passed away three years ago. My mom was my best friend. I never married but have good friends and family in the area.

I have three brothers (one in the area) who are all married with families. I understand that they also lost their mother, but they just didn't have the connection that I did with her. And they are being no help to me, emotionally or physically. It's like, once my mom was gone they just got on with their lifes and forgot about me. I know it's not all about me and I have to learn to make a life without my parents-but it's hard.

The problem is Mother's Day. Right now, with just the advertisements I get weepy--I just don't what I'm going to do on the actual day. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can get through this?

 

[dumboiu]

No suggestions, but I just want you to know you are not alone. It is a very, very hard day for me as well. It is hard to lose a parent that you were so close to. You will get through the day, simply because it is just a day, and it will pass. Do something nice for you and to honor your mother.

 

[minniecarousel]

My Mom passed away last year on April 1st. I am very fortunate that I have a very large extended family. I would say: do something that your Mom would think was fun. Do you have friends who are without their Moms? Do you have a close friend who is a Mom? Spend the day with them. I would plan on having some structure in the day, if you can.

I'm sorry that your brothers aren't helping. My 2 sisters are my best friends. None of us feel we could have gotten through Mom's final years without one another. I know I'm very lucky in that respect.

I'm sorry for your loss. Hang in there.

 

[Anna_Marie]

I'm so sorry for your loss. My mother has been gone 2 years. She was my best friend also. I am an only child so I have no brothers or sisters, but I do have a husband and children, so that really helps, but it still is a very sad day for me.

I wish I had some suggestions for you...I just wanted you to know I will be praying for you.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I lost my mom this past September and it's been difficult for me. Both my parents lived with me and I helped take care of my father (who had Alzheimers)-he passed away three years ago. My mom was my best friend. I never married but have good friends and family in the area.

I have three brothers (one in the area) who are all married with families. I understand that they also lost their mother, but they just didn't have the connection that I did with her. And they are being no help to me, emotionally or physically. It's like, once my mom was gone they just got on with their lifes and forgot about me. I know it's not all about me and I have to learn to make a life without my parents-but it's hard.

The problem is Mother's Day. Right now, with just the advertisements I get weepy--I just don't what I'm going to do on the actual day. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can get through this?

How about do something for someone else? Do you belong to any organizations or volunteering stuff?

In other words if you can take your sorrow and turn it into something positive perhaps you can create a good memory.

Was there something special you did with your mom? Maybe you could visit the place or honor her in some way? Museums, movies, zoo, 5K walk, etc?

Can you call up a sib and tell them you are sad and need to be with family on Mother's Day? Or have friends you can hang with?

My take on it is instead of getting through it, try and create a good memory and perhaps a private tradition for yourself.

Sorry for you loss...

 

[happywanderer2]

thank you for your replies, I have tears streaming down my face because of all your thoughful replies. If there were a bingo game that day I'd go because mom loved bingo-though it was not something I liked to do. I'd tease her that I'd rather have a root canal than go to bingo-lol. It's so very difficult. I love you mom and miss you so much.

 

[LuvLDM]

I'm very sorry for your loss.
The "firsts" are always the hardest. Your loss is still quite recent & you feelings are raw, in time it will get easier.
I wish I had better advice but really time is the only thing that healed me after losing my father.

 

[Swank]

Hang int there. You are obviously a thoughtful and caring person, and by your actions you are honoring your mother everyday.

 

[Nik's Mom]

So sorry about your loss. I have a cousin that is struggling with the same thing right now. I have talked to her so much this week, but don't mind at all. I'll tell you what I have told my cousin. Stay busy. Find errands to run, things to do around the house, visit or talk to friends and family. The worst thing you can do will sit around and do nothing.

I know it is so hard to cope when someone you love dies. Hang in there. You will start to feel better soon. And remember, your mother would want you to be happy.

 

[Handbag Lady]

I was going to suggest volunteering for something to make it feel as if you were not just sitting around on that Sunday. When I donate my time and energy to something else, it usually lifts me up a notch.

I know a few of my single friends have Single Thanksgivings. Maybe if you have (a) friend(s) who are also without parents you can start hosting a meal for them?

 

[cabanafrau]

So very sorry for your loss. Give yourself time to grieve, but be careful you don't let it consume you. Do some volunteer work, take up some new interests, anything to keep your life moving in a positive direction. It will help.

Something in your post disturbed me & I hope you won't take offense, but be very careful about assessing the scope of your loss versus anyone else. When my dad passed my mom flat-out told me that it wasn't so much my loss as it was hers and my brother's because they lived with my dad & I had my own home and family. There's some degree of truth in that, however it really didn't need to be said.

I was working so hard to be a support to her and my brother, taking care of all of the details that needed to be attended to & just generally sucking it up when I felt I wanted to throw myself down & cry. My brother was much younger & immature and had been unable to cope w/ the extraordinary medical issues surrounding my dad. The doctors & hospital staff had been reluctant to tell my mom in no uncertain terms that it was highly unlikely dad would survive. They would question her or call her about authorization for different procedures & she had no clue if the best thing to do was say yes or no. She was blown away when I directly asked if this procedure or that procedure would merely temporarily clear a symptom or if it was in fact a possible step to healing. Many were very invasive procedures & none would do anything beyond symptoms.

It nearly killed me to sit her and my brother down & explain to them that the doctors had nothing left to reverse the situation and it was now a matter of palliative care. I did it because I had to make sure there was no moment I was unavailable where mom would agree to something that would only prolong dad's suffering.

Dad wanted to be cremated, mom does too. They hadn't planned for the placement of the ashes after. Mom would not leave them at the funeral home, yet refused to have them in her home. Brother still lived with her. I drove to the funeral home, picked up my dad's ashes & have them in my home to this day. Mom knows they are here, but insists I not tell her where. I have successfully kept them hidden from my DD's also.

Yes, my mom and my brother lived day to day w/ my dad before his death and his loss meant a huge change for them. My loss hurts terribly, too. No matter where I live or where I go, he was my dad, too. I'm a big girl & I can deal w/ it, but sometimes it really does hurt still.

 

[Disney Doll]

Would you consider going to a nursing home to visit some elderly moms whose kids might not be around?????? It might make their day!

 

[mickeyboat]

I am so sorry for your loss. Use the day to remember the wonderful memories you had with your mom. Tell stories about her to your friends. Cry some happy tears.

 

[AnnieEMT]

that first Mother's Day is the hardest - the fact that it really will get better is only slightly comforting as I recall. Hang in there & do the best you can, ask for help if you need it & take all the you can get.

 

[cm8]

Op, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. A friend of mines lost her mom to cancer in February and this will be her first as well. I'm actually doing a walk with them in her mom's honor. I pray that you will find comfort in honoring your mom

 

[happywanderer2]

thank you to everyone who replied. I liked the idea of going to a nursing home, but I may save that for next year as I think I'd probably depress anyone I went to visit instead of helping.

I guess part of the problem is I resent my brothers a little because they haven't offered to help with mom's estate. They didn't even help write out the thank you cards after the funeral. I paid for the bulk of mom's funeral expenses because she really didn't have that much insurance and even if I sold everything in the house it wouldn't be enough. Maybe they think because I got the house I should pay for the funeral--they don't realize I'd been paying the taxes and utilities on the house for the last 10 years. The only income mom and dad had was ss--and it wasn't alot, plus their medical expenses kept going up due to failing health.

Well, thanks for letting me vent-it was good to get it out in the open. And I know my brothers are feeling the loss just as much as me (but differently)And I know many people in the world are feeling losses as great or greater than me. It's not all about me so get over myself. And I also know my mom and dad would want me to be happy.

 

[cabanafrau]

thank you to everyone who replied. I liked the idea of going to a nursing home, but I may save that for next year as I think I'd probably depress anyone I went to visit instead of helping.

I guess part of the problem is I resent my brothers a little because they haven't offered to help with mom's estate. They didn't even help write out the thank you cards after the funeral. I paid for the bulk of mom's funeral expenses because she really didn't have that much insurance and even if I sold everything in the house it wouldn't be enough. Maybe they think because I got the house I should pay for the funeral--they don't realize I'd been paying the taxes and utilities on the house for the last 10 years. The only income mom and dad had was ss--and it wasn't alot, plus their medical expenses kept going up due to failing health.

Well, thanks for letting me vent-it was good to get it out in the open. And I know my brothers are feeling the loss just as much as me (but differently)And I know many people in the world are feeling losses as great or greater than me. It's not all about me so get over myself. And I also know my mom and dad would want me to be happy.

I'm absolutely sure your mom & dad want you to be happy. If it helps, remind yourself of that every day & resolve to try & be happy to honor their wishes.

I'm so very happy to know you realize your brothers are feeling the loss, too. Grieve, let it out, just don't let it take you over.

All the rest of the stuff is just stuff. It will get sorted out & you'll forget about it. What you need to hang on to is how lucky you were to have had the parents you did and all of the wonderful memories you have of them.

 

[LuvOrlando]

I feel so bad you are going through such a hard time. I have a really hard time too, but for different reasons, still sad is still sad isn't it? For me coping is half avoiding upsetting things and half distraction.

Do try to get all your shopping out of the way ASAP, the closer it gets to the holiday the more mothers and daughters you will see out shopping together, or at least the more noticeable they will become. For me food shopping is hard but being in a mall is awful so I'd suggest you try to stay away.

Do try to find some pleasant things to distract yourself with, I like books on CD and movies. Our library has lots of good books to listen to, the Harry Potter series is my favorite but I also liked all of Mitch Albom's stuff. I especially like it when I am in the car. For visual distraction Netflix is great, they have tons of movies and TV shows on DVD. I'm loving Ugly Betty on streaming right now.

When a holiday is particularly upsetting I hit a movie theater and spend the day cooking.

Hang in there, I just had a talk with my own 12 year old daughter yesterday about sadness. I told her to remember that no matter how sad she is or awful she feels she needs to remind herself it will get better, everything ends including heartbreak