Did I overstep my boundaries?

[sdarwkcabemanmy]

DS is in Sp Ed at school for some speech and physical delays. Because of this, I have become a tad..well..sensitive..about the word 'retarded'. I don't like hearing people say "Oh that's so retarded" or "Don't be such a retard".

So here's the deal.

There is a new family who moved in down the block. They have 5 kids, one of whom is a little younger than DS. DS was playing with him (L) today and his older sister F (who is 10) started calling HER friends 'retards'.

That is NOT something I want DS to pick up and, because I am sensitive to it, I was feeling a bit uncomfortable about her using that word so carelessly. Her mother was NOT around (inside the house doing..something) so I called F over to where I was. I asked her politely not to use that word around me and explained that because DS is in Sp Ed, I'm a little sensitive to people saying things like that. She kind of nodded and went away, but at least she didn't use the term 'retard' around me again the rest of the time we were out there.

I'm afraid I may have overstepped my bounds. I've been trying (after getting into some verbal fights this summer at the pool with another parent) to keep my m outh shut when it comes to other children's behavior. L and his brothers and sisters ride their bikes in the street, across other people's yards, into random driveways and have even gone into another homeowner's yard, dug out their decorative gravel and thrown it all over th e street. I didn't say a word. I don't know what made me speak up today, other than the fact that F saying "Retard!" made me uncomfortable.

 

[Eeyores Butterfly]

I think you're fine. You did not scream her out or overdo it. It sounds like you calmly asked her not to say it around you and gave her the reasons. I think you handled it well.

 

[bookwormde]

Many times children pick up words from their environment that they really do not fully comprehend, You did the child a service by supportively letting her know that the word she was using is offensive to some people.

Thank you for not being one of those “not my problem” parents/people who sit by when inappropriate things are going on and being said.

bookwormde

 

[sdarwkcabemanmy]

I'm just concerned the mother will think I tried to discipline her child. Which I suppose, in a way, I sort of did. I've become rather wary of saying ANYTHING to any child after this summer.

We have a community swimming pool, which is open to all homeowners to use (provided you paid your HOA dues). It is against the rules for any parent to send their child who is 16 or younger to the pool alone, yet that is exactly what some parents do (and have done, ever since we moved in), Being concerned for the safety of these children, I asked the board prez what I should do when I saw underage children in the pool alone. I was told to kick them out, which I did. A couple of times this resulted in screaming matches with upset parents who thought their kid was old enough to be there alone because there were other parents there. So because of that, I'm a little hesitant to say anything to a child who is not doing what they should be. I don't want to get into another screaming match.

 

[OneLittleSpark]

I think you've acted perfectly reasonably. You politely explained why you didn't like that word, and asked her not to use it around you, in consideration of your feelings. You know the child and her parents, she and her siblings play with your son (and as you said, it's so easy for kids to pick things up from each other), so I don't think your behaviour was overstepping the mark at all. As this would be perfectly all right to say to an adult, without them considering you to be 'disciplining' them, I see nothing wrong with saying it to a child. If you're still worried about this, you could bring it up with her mother over tea, but I honestly don't think she'd have any problems with it.

 

[SandrainNC]

I don't like that word either and will say something in a heartbeat. I think you handled it very well. You kept your cool and just asked her not to say it and explained why. Maybe if you are worried you could talk to the mom also and just let her know that you asked her daughter not to say that word around your son because it isn't nice.

Sandra

 

[sdarwkcabemanmy]

DS likes playing with the youngest sibling (who is about 3 1/2 or so) and the older ones have been nice to him. I don't like their behavior sometimes..the mom lets the youngest one play alone outside unsupervised by either her or at least an older siblng, they ride their bikes wherever (street, other driveways, other people's YARDS), that sort of thing. I don't think they are bad kids, they just haven't had any limits set (AFAIK..they only moved in a couple of weeks ago). I get the feeling their mother is overwhelmed by having so many kids so close in age (B1 is 3 1/2, G1 is 6, G2 is 10, B2 is 11 and B3 is 12, almost 13), yet she's told me she wants to have another one.

I told her she is far braver than I am..I know that I have only ONE kid and there are times when I am overwhelmed. I don't know how she does it..esp with G2 who seems to be quite..ah..the trial. The mom has told me she doesn't know WHAT she's going to do with her, because she is very flirty, always hanging off of another neighbor boy (who is the same age I think as B3).

 

[braydensmom]

I think you acted in a completely perfect way. If you feel uncomfortable with how you dealt with the situation, talk to the girls mom and explain to her what the situation was and how you dealt with it. I am sure that the mom will completely side with you and will perhaps be able to sit down with her girls and explain why people may find that word offensive.
I have to confess, I used that word all the time when I was younger, until I had a roommate who told me that she found that word to be offensive and asked me not to use it. I had never meant to offend anyone, and I guess never really thought about how others felt when I said that....needless to say, I have never used the word since.

 

[sdarwkcabemanmy]

I have to confess, I used that word all the time when I was younger

I did too, when I didn't know how offensive it could be. Then I had a child who, though he looks normal, is actually considered special needs because he's had a bit of a speech delay as well as some gross motor physical delays (hence the nervousness about letting him ride a bike..the first and only time he rode he fell over, busted his lip and scraped his nose pretty bad). I have not used that word in a long, long time.

 

[brenalexacamp]

My child has down syndrome and i told my kids if I EVER hear that word come out of your mouth I will wash it with SOAP!

It is considered the F word.

You did not overstep your boudaries AT ALL!

 

[WheeledTraveler]

I certainly don't think you overstepped your boundary. If you're really worried, I'd talk to the mother.

The one thing I might not have done was to tell the girl that your son (who she knows and plays with) is in special ed. just in case she (or someone she tells) turns around and uses it to tease your son. While kids in my experience have gotten somewhat better about not doing so, it's still a problem and kids can be mean.

 

[mechurchlady]

My child has down syndrome and i told my kids if I EVER hear that word come out of your mouth I will wash it with SOAP!

It is considered the F word.

You did not overstep your boudaries AT ALL!

I agree and have harped at kids online who things gay and retarded are allowable terms for discribing junky or shoddy stuff. I dont have kid and would not use soap but would use other means.