Did everyone know?

[lovetoscrap]

OP: as for your friend who's not yet out, have you considered maybe dropping a few innocent hints his way? Or maybe let him know via your mutual friends that you know and that you love him just the way he is, and that you miss him? I hate the though that you're missing all of this time just because he's afraid.

Good luck

That is exactly what is making me sad. I have already missed almost 20 years with them because they were scared of something that I already knew about them, I would hate to miss any more. But I also don't know how comfortable he is with even himself yet. I am hoping to send a message to him through a friend that I miss him. I am also hoping that he will see that by the one guy reconnecting with all of us that there is nothing to be afraid of.

I didn't have much choice on comin' out in high school since everyone knew I'd been in the "state" hospital, but I was "popular" because I also led the "sit-ins" (yeah, it was the '60's) for long hair and get this, smoking on campus. Can you believe that? The school board approved both "agendas," we got to grow long hair and smoke!!

And now most all schools are tobacco free and going to strict dress codes and uniforms!

I don't think anyone is objecting to the OP's comment about not having words to describe being gay. For me it was more of an attempt at an explanation for why we/I did!

That comment was just thrown in--didn't think it would get quite the reaction! As someone else said--to us "Gay" was Elton John or Liberace or drag queens or other flamboyant people. We didn't know that gay could also mean someone we knew--KWIM? We were a 2 church town, the Methodists and the Baptists and you went to one or the other. But even the churches didn't talk about homosexuality. They were more worried about what the heterosexual teens were doing!

But the point of my question was just "were you in a situation where when you came out everyone already knew"? As Uncle Remus said before "No kidden, like I didn't already know" And if you had spent a long time, maybe years, agonizing over telling them, worried about how they would react-- how did it feel to have them let you know that they already knew (suspected) and weren't surprised at all?

 

[pdy11366]

Uncle Remus- I'm so glad your story ends ok. I know there are many other variations that don't.

OP- I have only came out to 1 HS friend. I thought she would handle it the best, and she didn't. I only live 25 miles from where I grew up, but am in a more metropolitan (just barely, it is the Ozarks) but still conservative area. When my DP's father died suddenly 3 years ago, I was listed in the obit as her partner. We were both out at work, and in the process of adoptiong our son. We had decided when he came, we would be out to stay because we never want to make him feel he should be ashamed.

I run into people from HS from time to time. Some are warm, others won't make eye contact. One pretended not to know me on 2 seperate occasions. I don't feel like I am missing out on the reunions, so I don't go. But there are folks I would like to be in contact with. Maybe your friends have had some negative experiences with someone so they choose to keep their distance?

Maybe you could just call them and set up a lunch date sometime? One on one in nuetral territory might encourage them to open up.

Good Luck!

 

[Mackey Mouse]

Uncle Remus, but was it a Boston cop??? Probably not, cuz you used y'all in one of your posts..

So what is it my husband always says about the 60's.....if you remember it, you were not really there?? LOLOL Probably the reason I am partial to men with long hair, I cannot get use to the shaved head thing, give me a guy with a ponytail anytime. LOLOL This is all in reference to Uncle Remus' reference to long hair and smoking..

So.. here are two coming out story.. I have two relatives.. one who I knew was gay in high school, family in denial.. she gets married, it lasts less than a year, she is now happily living with a wonderful woman doing well, but had to live the lie for the family. I remember saying to my brother who was freaking out over it, what difference does it make, she is still your daughter, gay, straight, she is your daughter.. Acceptance was not easy for him, but he is there now..

Also, a nephew, I knew he was gay when he was a little kid. He did not come out until after college, had a girlfriend in college, he never told the family.... My immediate family all knew, he finally admitted it to me one night on the phone and I can remember saying, phew thank God you finally said it.. I hated that we could not talk about it, of course, to this day, it is never ever discussed in my husband's family.. amazing, but true. Sometimes I just cannot believe it but some people just choose to bury their head in the sand rather than openly accept someone's life.

 

[OrlandoMike]

And I thought the 80's were bad......yikes!

It gets a little better every generation, but we still have to fight! Shrek just got back from doing our taxes, we are out of a lot of money cuz we cant get married!

Some of your stories break my heart, and yes I too have been trough hell and back, but you have to look ahead and not dwell on the past. Dont forget the past, just dont dwell on it, you cant change the past!

Things will change, lets just hope sooner than later.....

I was watching this video and this thread came to mind.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SeMBiz58ot4&feature=related

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

Not dwelling in the past is the key. We do have to move on, if only to move away from the painful events that each of us has experienced.

I don't often get a chance to watch television, but tonight a show caught my attention. Special Victims Unit (Law and Order?).

A 13 year old boy was transitioning to the female gender. The story did a pretty fair job of showing the absolute pain and devastation that the young person was experiencing in the journey to becoming who she really was. The crime entered when the therapist treating the girl badly beat the child's father. The father was unaccepting of the transition and was refusing to allow the child to take the hormone blocking medications that would allow her to have a more complete transition.

The therapist was a woman who had been a man. Her story of how hard it was for her pointed out that we have come a little way from the archaic practices (living three years as a member of the opposite gender before being allowed to have the surgery was one that was cited by the therapist) but there is still much heartache, very much damage being done out of fear, and misunderstanding.

I was a little heartened by the ending, when there was a plea bargain made for the therapist, when none was really needed to close the case. She had confessed...

It made me reflect back on experiences that we've all had (shared here) and reminded me that no matter what, we are moving forward.

I still believe that the cost is high. We'll pay it, because we do have to continue to move toward equality for all of us. But the cost is so very high.

 

[Uncle Remus]

It gets a little better every generation, but we still have to fight! Shrek just got back from doing our taxes, we are out of a lot of money cuz we cant get married!

Some of your stories break my heart, and yes I too have been trough hell and back, but you have to look ahead and not dwell on the past. Dont forget the past, just dont dwell on it, you cant change the past!

Things will change, lets just hope sooner than later.....

I was watching this video and this thread came to mind.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SeMBiz58ot4&feature=related

Change Is Gonna Come

 

[PeterPan09]

I see it in my niece and her friends. She just graduated college and the issue of who is gay and who isn't just doesn't matter to her or her friends. One of her best friends came out to her, made a special "date" to talk to her about it and was clearly stressed about doing it. DN said the whole thing made her sad, not because her friend was gay-but because her friend felt that she had to make this big announcement about it. I think when the coming generation gets a little more control, we're going to see a movement towards a society where whether your gay or straight doesn't matter because everyone will have the same rights.

 

[soulmates]

My brain is on overload after reading your stories. They are mind blowing. I'm SO beyond fortunate, when I came out, at 40, my family was SO thrilled I was with a person who LOVED me...the fact she was a SHE, wasn't a problem. Their daughter/ sister/ mother, was happy and loved!! My DP on the other hand...like so many of you, really didn't KNOW she was gay. She too grew up in a small midwestern town, and a religious family as well. She knew she was a tomboy but never understood her feelings. She says, as far back as she can remember, her first CRUSHES, were female teachers..yet she still didn't connect the dots. She had a boyfriend in highschool, but knew, something was missing...oddly enough, away at CHRISTIAN college, she found the missing pieces! Her family did NOT welcome her newfound happiness. Her sister wouldn't speak to her, her father to this day, really has very little contact with her....I am happy to report, that because this was the 90's, her family, DID realize, this is their daughter/sister and it was her grandmother, who stood by her side and lead the way for the rest of the family. She's very close with them now and for the FIRST time ever, her family came to visit her, in OUR home. She's always gone home alone, and never brought girlfriends. SO, them visiting our home,and staying with US, was huge! They've come along way and I'm so happy for her. In the end, she has found healing and can be herself 100%!

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I grew up in about a conservative and "redneck" area as possible in a very small town in Southern Oregon. We had the terminology for it. As a matter of fact, my mom used to say that "gay used to be such a happy word".

I was so closeted then and for most of my life it wasn't even funny, however we did have a high school teacher who was gay. Found out because some students were house-sitting for her, snooped, and read her diary. After mulling it over for a little while I realized that she was my favorite teacher before finding out the info and was still my favorite teacher after. I wish I remembered her name and could look her up.

Then a couple years later my BIL got kicked out of Disneyland for dancing with another guy. Yep, we called it gay then, too, and by then I didn't have any problem with the concept even though I didn't realize the truth about my own sexuality.

The fear of not knowing how others will react to a person when they come out can cause an incredible amount of anguish. I know it well. It's what still has me partly in the closet, but the door is open and I'm slowly inching towards being totally out. As far as I'm concerned, the judgmental people who don't get all the emotions involved with coming out aren't worth the trouble and tears.

Many HUGS to those of you who have come out and for those of you who have truly accepted when others have come out to you.

 

[OrlandoMike]

Was your BIL part of the "famous" couple who got kicked out?

 

[PrincessKsMom]

OP: as for your friend who's not yet out, have you considered maybe dropping a few innocent hints his way? Or maybe let him know via your mutual friends that you know and that you love him just the way he is, and that you miss him? I hate the though that you're missing all of this time just because he's afraid.

Good luck

Just wanted to add my experience to this quote and OP's original question.

The first time I knew someone who was gay, was a family friend who I'd known since I was 3 or 4 years old. She was a friend of my aunt. I moved out of town and hadn't seen her in a few years. I moved back into town in 6th grade and she was going to my school. We become friends again. A few of us always wondered, but she tried for so long to date guys, etc. When I was about 20, she came out to a mutual friend and my DH happened to see her kissing another woman. It kind of freaked me out a little (sorry, but it's true). I tended to avoid her when possible, because I didn't know what to say. What do you say: "I know?", like it's any of my business. Anyway, she finally cornered me in a laundromat one day. The first thing she said to me was: "So, you have something you want to ask me?" I was caught off guard so I said no. She repeated her question again. When I still didn't say anything, she just said, "yes, it's true. Is that a problem for you?" Of course I said no, and it really wasn't, I just wasn't sure how, if at all it changed our relationship. We talked for a little while and she told me that I wasn't her type and had nothing to worry about! That completely put me at ease. She reiterated that I would always be like a niece to her and nothing had changed. She did tell me she was hurt that I didn't come to her and just ask, but since then we've remained friends and truly nothing has changed. It was just very ackward before we were both honest with each other.

Another person I knew was someone I worked with. I asked my boss, who was very good friends with him, if he was gay. She said of course not, he has a girlfriend. I still wasn't convinced. Years later, after he came out to everyone, we were at a party together. The drinks were flowing and the conversation turned a little blue. He was telling us how he went a little crazy when he first came out to himself. My boss told him I knew all along and he was flabbergasted. He said he himself didn't know at that time and why the hell hadn't I told him -- I could have saved him a few years of agony! Could you imagine that conversation: "Hey, I don't care you have a girlfriend, I think you're gay?!"

Anyway, my point in all this is to honor your friendships and the people in your life. Pick up the phone and make the first move. Too frequently we're lacking in relationships in our lives because we don't walk to take the first step, or are waiting for someone else to do it for us. Call him, reconnect and get him back in your life.

 

[NikkiPants]

OP: You know, I've had some issues with a long term friend about him being gay as well. He is very flaming and "experiments" behind everyone's backs. He will never come out, though. And it makes him a very miserable person. He even attacks his other friends who are comfortably homosexual, such as my partner. He flipped out on her one day for no reason whatsoever (and was very cruel, I might add) and now she has issues with him because of it. Anyway, the problem with people like that is that no matter what you do, you can't force someone out, you know? It's unfortunate, because you want to help your friend out of the closet and into who they really are, but them accepting themself is the first step. And if he can't do that...well, I don't really know, but it's not necessarily something you can do for him, unfortunately. I mean, trying can't hurt. It may hurt his feelings because deep down he knows, but doesn't want that to be him. I don't know, all I'm saying is that even though trying to help him out sounds like a good plan, sometimes it's not. If he is sensitive enough about it, he may freak out and never talk to you until he actually does come out.
Anyway. Sorry to sound like a downer :[

As far as issues with coming out. I am one of those younger kids, 25, and I know that my generation is much easier to deal with. Most of my old friends from elementary school know that I am gay and just don't even acknowlege it as a surprise or anything. Even if I introduce Lily as my partner, girlfriend, or fiancee, most of them just smile and shake her hand and say "Oh my gosh, congratulations! It's great to meet you!" I hope that the rest of the world starts acting like most of my friends do, because that's exactly what we need!

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Was your BIL part of the "famous" couple who got kicked out?

 

[OrlandoMike]

Wow! Did he ever write about his experience? I remember reading about it years ago, probably in Time or Newsweek.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Wow! Did he ever write about his experience? I remember reading about it years ago, probably in Time or Newsweek.

Yeah, try googling him. He wants to get back into activism.