Did anyone ever have your father or your kids' father completely abandon the family?

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I have a friend that this happened to recently. In her case--she disclosed to us that she had been the victim of abuse.

Her children are much happier and notice that their mom is much happier now that he has essentially flown the coop. Her kids are pretty smart and observant and in that case--abandonment was the better option as he wasn't all Father Knows Best when he was around.

If it happens or happened, just keep on the downlow--don't gossip. But if the kids ask, be age-appropriately honest. One doens't have to talk smack about an ex who does this for the child to understand. In fact it makes it worse. There is nothing that says you ever have to bring it up if they don't, but I wouldn't refrain from answering their questions of curiosity if they did come up.

My brother was also abandoned. I do not know how he personally handles it. But he was one of several husband's of my mom and he was abusive as was his mother. We do not reflect on him at all. It's as though he never existed.

Though in my brother's mind--i do not know how he deals with it. He was not my father so I am unable to relate. But of the husbands--he is not the one we complain about the most (and one we don't really ever complain about--except me to my therapist for some issues that I experienced while he was with us.)

 

[kellyg403]

Unfortunately, I have had both. My dad left when I was five, came in and out until I was 7 and I never saw him again until I was 23 yo. Mom never said anything bad, any mention of him was really neutral. Now, dad on the other hand..and I use that term very loosely...had no problem whatsoever telling me it was my mother who made him stay away, she remarried and he didn't want to argue with them over visitation etc. Then preceded to mention to me that he really couldn't see me much because new wife had a heart disorder and she had issues with his previous life and it would be just too much for her if he was in my life.

My oldest son and dd have not since their dad since 1985. Oldest ds was 18 months and dd was 7 days old. He left when I was pregnant with dd and while we lived in the same town never came around. Then, when dd was 7 days old I decided to move near my mom so I could get some help. Never heard or spoke to him again. I never ever spoke negatively about him to the kids. I peppered the truth when they were young but in their teen years I started with the absolute truths. I knew they were interested in looking him up and I wanted them to be prepared of who he WAS but that he may be different now. Two summers ago, dd looked him up through a variety of sources. The family was/is wonderful to her, the sisters and uncles and aunts. Grandma and Dad STILL live together. Dad has never responded once to her. She has called and he is never available..now she has given up. But, she is glad that there is a certain amount of truth that was available..i.e. he always lived with his mom, he wasn't prepared for the responsibilities of fatherhood and didn't like to work but loved to play etc.

Kelly

 

[Thumper_Man]

How funny is that. When I read a post shortly after mine (Stefnmike) I thought the exact same thing.

Amazing how most of us have similar stories. It sounds like we both turned out fine, and I'm sure OP's dd will also.

 

[CathrynRose]

My father left when I was a month old. Next time I saw him I was 23 and at my grandfather's funeral (his father).

It was easier for me since I was so young and never knew what having a father meant so I couldn't "miss" it.

Growing up I never had hard feelings because my mother never spoke badly about him to me. I didn't think much of him until I was in high school, although I knew the facts - that he left, never paid CS, never tried to contact us, etc. I don't remember her telling me these things, they were just things that I knew. At some point in my teens I went through a period where I glorified him in my own mind. Your daughter will probably go through this stage as well. Let her. It's normal. She'll want to have what other friends have. My mom tried to stop me and I went behind her back to try to contact him. The let down was horrible when I didn't hear back. I was devestated. My mom was horrified that I did it and we had the worst fight we ever had.

As I grew up and learned about him (through his 4th wife who is seperated from him) the more I dislike the person he is. The more I knew, the more my mom shared with me and the more I dislike him, but it is my decision to make.

I am doing a bad job of putting this into words. If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.

On a positive note, My mom and I are inseperable because of it. She's is truly my best friend.

You are a great mom for worrying about this. Cultivate an open relationship with your daughter where she can be comfortable talking to you about anything and I don't think that she will miss having her sperm donor in her life.

I could have wrote this - sort of. My dad 'didn't want kids'. Perhaps he should have abstained from any activities that could result in such.

The only thing I did not do - was glorify him. He was truly a stranger to me.

I had absolutely nothing to do with him, at all. But as this poster mentioned, I never knew any different. My mom and I were so stinking close, it wasn't even funny. (she passed away January 2006, and I'll tell you - it was so so so so so so so hard )

My father is also on his 4th (or 5th??) marriage. I'm the only child he ever had, with his only grand kids. But again... it's like a stranger.

 

[Minnie*J*]

My dad left when I was eight. I would agree with the advice to not bad mouth your ex to your child too. They will understand one day what kind of person deserts their child without being told. Also, no matter how angry you are, or how bad a day you are having - never, ever, ever yell at your child about how you have to sacrifice to take care of them by yourself or how you are the only one who wanted them. My mom did a good job taking care of me by herself and yes she did sacrifice, but these words are still with me today 20 + years later.

Sorry this is happening to you. On a positive note, I have seen my father 2 times as an adult and I am convinced that I turned out better because I did not know him growing up.

 

[pearlieq]

My dad has never really been a part of my life. He and my mom split while I was a toddler and I really don't remember him. I don't feel like I missed out on anything because I had no idea what I was missing.

He was very bad about paying support when I was kid and we had some hard times as a result. I do hold that against him, but that was a conclusion I came to on my own, nothing my mother tried to drill into me.

I contacted him once when I was in college. I guess I was curious and had to know. After one awkward conversation where he made sure to point out that I was fat, I realized I was just fine without him in my life.

That's the last contact I had with him and I prefer it that way. Much simpler and happier.

As with all of our life experiences, it did affect me. I confess to not really knowing what men were "for" since there had never been any around in my life and we managed fine. I think that was good because I came to view them as just other people who happened to be male instead of something specific like authority figures, providers, etc.

I'm married now, but I'm still quite independent and self-reliant.

Kids are quite resilient. As long as they have someone loving them and looking out for them they can adapt to pretty much any situation.

 

[castmemberb4]

That is what I'm scared of; that my daughter will have issues with men. Thankfully my daughter thinks my father is her father. He is there for her (we live with my parents) and my father is there for my daughter (up at night when she's sick, etc.) . So I am thankful for that.

Sounds like your daughter has a very positive Father figure and that should make a big difference in her life. My father left us when I was 5 fortunately I have two older brothers who were teenagers at the time, they were very loving and I never missed my Father. I've had some great relationships in my life and have been married to a wonderful man for 17 years. My older sister who was already married when our father left has had two bad marriages, he was not a good Father figure for her. I feel I was luckier than her to not grow up with my father in our home. Your father figure dosen't have to be your biological father to have a positive influence on your life.

 

[kellyg403]

Sounds like your daughter has a very positive Father figure and that should make a big difference in her life. My father left us when I was 5 fortunately I have two older brothers who were teenagers at the time, they were very loving and I never missed my Father. I've had some great relationships in my life and have been married to a wonderful man for 17 years. My older sister who was already married when our father left has had two bad marriages, he was not a good Father figure for her. I feel I was luckier than her to not grow up with my father in our home. Your father figure dosen't have to be your biological father to have a positive influence on your life.

I was so fortunate to have a man who was my dad. Was he the best or the greatest? Nope he had his own issues. But as an adult I see that he was the person who made sure that I was fed, clothed and housed. He made sure all me needs and some of my wants were taken care of.

This kinda thing does affect the kids, I think more so when they are immature and looking for that white knight type thing. Then as adults they realize a different tune. There may be times when you will think how it has affected her and years later realize it was immaturity.

Kelly

 

[ginna74]

I've never even seen my biological dad. He wanted my mom to abort.....she didn't, and has told me a handful of things about him. She has no idea where he is and with his name I haven't been able to find him, although it probably would be best that I don't find him.

 

[quentina]

Yes, mine did at 8 years old.

Sometimes in life what you deem the worst thing, turns out to be the best. I had an amazing step dad and not having bio-dad in my life was the best move. He was completely disfunctional and not someone who should be around kids.

Yes, I do have questions as to why he didn't want us, what I could of done better etc. These are normal questions.

I will say keep it as positive as possible. My mom has bad-mouthed him and one day, I flipped. I reminded her that SHE made the decision not me and too be honest, I was tired of hearing about it.

 

[MrsPete]

I was wondering if any DISers have experienced a father (your father or your childrens' father) abandon the family? My daughter is only a toddler and she "kinda" knows how her father is but not really. I know I'm going to talk with her one day about him but I don't even know what I am going to say. Did you have hard feelings over your father (or mother) leaving you? OR Did you speak negatively about the kids father who never saw them again?

My father abandoned us when I was a child. I was eleven -- old enough to know that it wasn't the worst thing that could've happened, or at least that it was no worse than the hell we'd been living through for about five years prior. My younger siblings were not old enough to realize this, and they were more distressed than I was by the situation.

I don't think I recognized it at the time, but my mother walked a very careful tightrope in talking about him: She never withheld the truth from us, but she also didn't engage in discussion of her opinions of his actions. For example, if we asked for something and she didn't have the money (which was 100% of the time), she'd say, "I can't buy that because your father isn't working and isn't paying child support." When he had just left, we all expected visits on our birthday/Christmas (we knew where he was, but it was far away), but we never got as much as a phone call. Usually one of us would suggest calling Daddy on "celebration days", and my mom often said, "He knows what day it is." She left us to draw our own conclusions; she could easily have added, "And he's a #$%#$%@ who walks away from his responsibilities -- you should have nothing to do with him!" By the time we were all older teens, we had all come to that conclusion anyway . . . but SHE hadn't lowered herself by bad-mouthing our father.

If she had shared her feelings on his actions (which, now being a mother myself, I can well guess), it would've put us kids in a difficult position. Children love their father (when he died, I was 25 and married, and hadn't seen him in probably a decade -- regardless, I was literally on the floor crying like I'd never cried before and have not cried since). We would've felt like we had to choose between him and her. She never put us in that situation.

 

[minkydog]

My father abandoned us when I was a freshman in college. He left my mother with a rented house, a broken down van, 4 teens plus me, and no savings. She had to scrape and work almost non-stop to make ends meet. He never sent a dime in child support and in fact, left the country to keep from having his wages garnished. He missed all of our graduations, weddings, and he.

But you know? Karma bites. When he got lung cancer none of his kids wanted to have anything to do with him. He lived with my brother, and Bro made sure he was cared for. But he didn't go out of his way to help him. At the end of his life my sister and I were the only ones who would even go to the hospital to see him. The rest could have cared less. Sad.

 

[Longsx3]

My father and mother split before I was born, my Mom remarried when I was 5 that is/was my DAD (he is since deceased). Growing up I never had any desire to know my BF however when I was having difficulty getting pregnant. We decided to locate my BF in 1995, it happened pretty quick and he has/had become an important part of my life, part of our family. My Brothers, not his sons, and my Mom were all accepting of him. Then this past fall, he stopped talking to me....I am not even sure why. My Dh tried calling him while he was home on R&R, he never called back. I could never imagine my Mom getting mad at me and refusing to speak with me for Months.

 

[cheermom1]

My kids dad left when dd was not even two and ds was 3 months old ...we haven't seen him since and no support either ..I have seen him on the internet having a record so dang long for rape, drive bys, drugs and other things

other than that nothing - my kids know who he is I have never bad mouthed him and always told them the truth - they have no desire to get to know him at this point..

I recently found out that my dd looked him up herself and found his rap sheet and said that she is glad he is not in our lives and shuddered at the thought of what life would have been like if he had stayed ...

I am married to great guy who they call their dad and is very happy that he is with us ....

 

[MizTink]

That is what I'm scared of; that my daughter will have issues with men. Thankfully my daughter thinks my father is her father. He is there for her (we live with my parents) and my father is there for my daughter (up at night when she's sick, etc.) . So I am thankful for that.

grandfather's are wonderful male figures for little girls! he's probably more of the type of male figure you would want her to look up too anyways!
you can't force your daughter's dad to be what you wish he was. he is what he is.....
just do everything that you can as her mom. and be VERY selective in who you expose her to as she is growing up. this could, and probably will, mean many sacrifices by you. no matter how much you think you like a guy, just always put your daughter first. before you really fall for a guy, you will have to think FIRST about his influence on your daughter. and trust your parents....

 

[pls5286]

My son's bio-father abandoned him when he found out I was pregnant with him. He is now 13. At the age of 11, bio-dad said he wanted to see DS. I talked it over with my son and he wanted to get to know his father. It lasted 9 months.

There was sporadic contact (a phone cal or text maybe every two or three months) until this past summer when my son's father told him several lies about his grandparents. This upset my son to no end. I pit a block on DS's phone and told biodad that all phone calls had to now go through me. My son now refuses to talk to his father. His grandparents have played a huge role in raising him and my son has made up his own mind about his father. I have only told him I will support him no matter what decision he makes.

Bio-dad has since threatened me with custody, visitation, ligitimization, taking away child support, you name it, but, but I am not sweating it. He did not see DS forr 11 years at all. All visits that were allowed during 9 months were because my son wanted to, and then everything started. At church tonight he was there, and never even spoke to DS. Made him very uncomfortable. Unfortunately, DS has 3 younger brothers that he would lover to have a relationship with, but knows that until his dad comes around that is not really possible.

I have never bad-mouthed his father, but when issues started this past summer, I was honest with my son.

 

[livie1205]

This is all soooo sad it is the only thing on here that has made me cry! I can not even imagine what it would be like.My parents have been married for 40 yrs and I am "daddys girl" it breaks my heart that so many people go through this.My dh (2nd) is a great man and father but can not say the same for my ex...all he cares about is getting women and himself! I feel bad for my son..we had a court date last week and I COULD have had him out in jail for 60 days right then BUT I wanted to be the bigger person and let him make a deal...my son was MAD! He wanted his dad to go to jail...and that is sad.

 

[~disneydiva~]

I've never even seen my biological dad. He wanted my mom to abort.....she didn't, and has told me a handful of things about him. She has no idea where he is and with his name I haven't been able to find him, although it probably would be best that I don't find him.

This is kinda like my story. Biological dad didn't want me,but he just spilt before I was born. She has no clue where he is, and I haven't been able to find him either. I did find info on his father, but I'm not sure if I want to make that contact since his whole family has known about me and never tried contacting me.

My mom did get married to the man who will always be my dad, no matter what DNA says.

 

[castmemberb4]

I was so fortunate to have a man who was my dad. Was he the best or the greatest? Nope he had his own issues. But as an adult I see that he was the person who made sure that I was fed, clothed and housed. He made sure all me needs and some of my wants were taken care of.

This kinda thing does affect the kids, I think more so when they are immature and looking for that white knight type thing. Then as adults they realize a different tune. There may be times when you will think how it has affected her and years later realize it was immaturity.

Kelly

My Mother was also a very strong woman and there fore a wonderful roll model. She raised me on her own, without complaint, never spoke bad about my father and in fact had positive and fun stories to tell about him (they were married for 20 years before he left) Stay strong NY Disney Fan with all of the good people in her life she will be fine.