DH and I Have Been Fighting Lately

[MerryPoppins]

I'm so sorry that this thread has turned out the way it did. Becka came to us to vent and for support. I'm glad some of us were able to offer that support. I don't think her situation is that unusual. The first year as parents is full of changes in mom and dad's relationship. It's hard to change from being a little self-centered to putting the baby's needs first, at least it is for some people.

Good for both of you, Becka and Becka's husband. I'm glad you talked and are on the road to working things out. I think sharing the way you are feeling is VERY important and the only way to get back on the right track. Hugs to both of you! As a mom, I'd like to pat him on the back for seeing that you have a point and saying he'll try to do better in the future.

 

[believe]

Becka, I am also sorry that this thread has turned the way it has....I can't help but laugh and the minor things individuals will point out. Every Mom and Dad needs time to relax, just look at Shep's post count. It makes him happy ENJOY YOUR TIME!!!!!!

 

[Bob O]

I think it was Bobnc's observation that too much time was spent on the internet and he posted the amount of posts to backup a claim but you would have to ask him.
From my professional experience of dealing with family matters/family problems for 20 1/2 yrs there are always two sides to every story and EVERYBODY ALWAYS puts the best spin on their side of the disagreement, no matter how serious or trivial the subject is!
As for the topic at hand it is a situation where the two of you need to discuss the disagreement over the division of household work/chores in a adultlike manner and hopefully come to a meeting of the minds that is agreeable to both of you and if that cant be done the problems will fester and eventually counseling maybe needed. Us here on the internet cant solve the problems you have, you two are the only one's who can do that.
And im NEVER afraid to state my opinion on any subject but you cant take sides when you only hear one side of the disagreement and im always up for a good argument, be it from my wife or anybody else as im sure some on this board will attest too.

 

[WebmasterAlex]

I don't think anyone can deny that her DH probably has his own side to this. What we used to say at domestics is there are three sides to every story, his side, her side and the truth.
The point is she came here because she was feeling bad and looking for some answers. It would be one thing to say "does he feel you are spending too much time on the net" or heck you could even ask "when you talk about this what's his point of view"
To go off on the number of posts someone has is just wrong.. there isn't any way you can know all the facts involved unless you ask.

 

[Dan Murphy]

Obviously, I don't change diapers any more, what with my post count.

Hey, believe, you are catching up to DH, Shep. Becka, once more, a big {{hug}}, and I bet Aaron will do more of his share from now on.

Dan

 

[snoopy]

Becka, don't let anyone make you feel bad for venting. If they don't like it, they can just back out.

As far as the original problem you talked about, I haven't commented on it because I didn't have that issue. My DH was as much of a "mom" as I was, in fact, he adored doing things for the kids when they were babies.

Now that they are a little older, I'd say its about 60/40 with me holding the 60, but hey, I'll take what I can get.

You've been given such good advice on this thread that I'll just say good luck. I'm sure you guys can work it out. And when you need to vent in the future, I hope this thread won't inhibit you from doing so.

 

[goofygirl]

went through the same thing at my house when our kids were little (it actually started in the delivery room when DH told me he was going to go take a nap just as my contractions started getting really painful )

Ugh! Now I am REALLY turned off to the whole "married with children" thing! Between the attitudes of the men and the burdens of the children, I am glad I have cats!! Its nice and quiet here

The aggravation just aint worth it, IMHO. For those of you who think its all worth it, good luck with all that!

I also see nothing wrong with venting and posting, thats what a message board is for. And anyone who implies that some people are wasting time if they are spending it on the DIS is a hypocrite because obviously THEY are here too!

 

[Buckalew]

Us here on the internet cant solve the problems you have, you two are the only one's who can do that.

First of all, I have to say that this quote from BobO. is what I have learned is a man's nature. You vent a problem it needs to be solved. Men like to solve problems. It can't be solved here so why bring it here? LOL But women sometimes need to vent. Sure, I suppose Becka wants this problem solved also but she also needed to vent the frustration. I see nothing wrong with that.
I appreciate seeing Alex speak up about the post count comment.
But I'll never vent here again. Some folks should just learn when to hit the back button. No, I don't think everyone should agree but surely you can read a thread and see a vent.

 

[Michelle]

Becka, I hope that you are not completely sick of reading this thread yet.

I'm also very sorry that you were subjected to attacks from others for simply stating what is going on in your home right now. I hope you and your husband can work together on a more equitable distribution of the chores at home. It IS tough when the babies are little, and marriages do take a back seat, but if you can hang in there during the hard times...and if your DH can understand how much you AND Nathan need him to be more involved...your marriage will be stronger down the line.

And to BobO:

And im NEVER afraid to state my opinion on any subject but you cant take sides when you only hear one side of the disagreement and im always up for a good argument, be it from my wife or anybody else as im sure some on this board will attest too.

Umm, Bob, no one ever accused you of being afraid to state your opinion on a subject.

And no one asked anyone to take SIDES on the issue either. Becka merely stated her feelings and asked if her experience was COMMON in marriages with new babies. She didn't say that her husband didn't have a side to the story too. She didn't bash him. She just stated how she felt, and she has every right to do that without being attacked. Yes, you can disagree (and I know you know how to do that) but why on Earth does anyone feel they need to add to Becka's distress at the moment?

 

[paras4ri]

Just wanted to send more {{{{{hugs }}}}}} your way.

Babies do change a marriage and you're certainly trying to find your own way to change what you can and learn to live comfortably with what you can't. Hang in there and know you have friends who care.

 

[Bob O]

Alex-If somebody felt that the number of posts made could have a affect on a relationship or the vent in question, they should bring it up and its not wrong IMHO.
Buckalew-yes problems are made to be solved and failure to deal with small problems only cause's bigger ones as times goes by.
Michelle-I was accused of not being "man" enough on this current thread to state a opinion. As far as attacks i have seen people offer their thoughts on this thread but i have seen no attacks. And im sure the attack posts would have been deleted per board policy.
As in regard to "vent" threads are we only to agree with the person venting and go into group hug mode, or are people to give their true opinion?? If someone has a comment the last thing they should do is hit the back button!!!!! They should post what they believe and offer their thoughts and if the person venting doesnt like it they shouldnt have started the vent in the first place, unless vent threads are just pixie dust threads and if that is the case they belong on the birthday thread board IMHO.

 

[perd]

I wish I could say it gets better, but my kids are now 17, 14 and 13 and DH and I were just fighting over this same thing this morning! Not so much having to do with caring for the kids, but just taking care of things in general.

I have a medical transcription service that I run from home. What I don't get done during the normal "workday" I still have to finish that night.

Well I've been extra busy lately and this morning I was up at 5:30, took a shower and did two loads of laundry while I was working. Started coffee and collected the trash from all over the house to make it easy for DH since it was trash day. Woke DH up for work. Started coffee. Told him it's trash day - he usually puts it out before he gets in the shower. Took one kid to school and came back. Picked up another kid and took to school (all this time I NEED to be working). As I drove back saw the trash truck down the street heading our way. Ran in the door and told DH the trash truck was coming and immediately see he just got out of the shower and is NAKED. So I have to take the trash out. So then when I noticed DH and DS had eaten late last night and left their dirty dishes in the sink and on the counter, including a crockpot with chili in it and a crockpot with Rotel dip in it, I was NOT happy! Just that on top of everything else. And I noted at that point that I had been up for two hours and had gotten very little actual work (for my business) done, which was my whole point of getting up at 5:30 - to get an early start.

If anything needs to be done during the day - errands, bank or post office, kids' dental or doctor appointments, whatever - *I* am the one who does it. And however long it takes, that's how much later I am working that night.

DH, on the other hand, gets up, gets HIMSELF ready and goes to work. Then he comes home from work and watches TV all evening. I deal with the kids, the homework, the appointments, the conferences, the bills, the grocery shopping, the meals, the cleaning AND my job! He doesn't refuse if I ask him to do something...but why should I have to? What if I just didn't do anything until he asked?

Anyway, my point is I know where you are coming from. It seems like I'm busy before anyone gets up and I'm still busy after everyone goes to bed. It doesn't seem fair!

 

[WebmasterAlex]

You are way missing my point Bob, there's a way to say things that hurts people's feelings, and a way to say things that makes people think about things that they might not have thought of... one is constructive and the other destructive.
What's the purpose of posting in a destructive manner to someone who is already feeling down? What sense does it make to kick them?

 

[Bob O]

You would have to ask BobNC if his intent was to hurt somebody's feelings. And i believe he was trying to make a point and used the number of posts to help make that point which may not have been appreciated by the poster.
I dont think he was trying to kick someone when they were down.

 

[WebmasterAlex]

In other words it's ok for him to post something that was phrased in such a manner as to be hurtful to her... but I'm supposed to ask him what he intended instead of just reading his words...
UHHH yea I'll do that.....

 

[damom2daboyz]

Bless your heart Becka. I am totally frustrated by this thread and just hope you all are successful. Love to you and yours.



Debbie

 

[shortbun]

Thanks to you who pointed out that
there WAS an "ignore list"! I love it!!!!

 

[Pooh93]

becka being a new parent is very stressful. Unfortunately, no one tells you these things before you have a child. (the mom's at work and I have had this discussion many times) After my 2nd child I can remember sitting on the floor crying because I wondered if I'd never not be that tired again. It did get better!

Try to get the ground rules laid out now. It may be an evolving process, but stay true to your course! DH has gotten better with the kids as they have gotten older. I also think that men have a different perception than women as to how much they do. In their minds, they think they are doing alot, and we as women have a different perception on what "alot" is! I've also had to learn to pick my battles and decide what I can put up with and what I can not. If I didn't let a few things go, we'd either be divorced or I'd have an ulcer.

Hang in there and give that baby a {hug}.

And perd, I can relate to about 95% of your post! You are not alone either! My best friend and I just had the same type of conversation about our households as you posted!

One additional piece of advice. Use the DIS as a form of relaxation. Try not to get caught up in mean spirited things here. You have enough stress in your life without letting this add to it! {{HUGS}}

 

[Mskanga]

Wether the post count is high or not does not make any difference. I don't know the rest of the people here but I use the DIS and my computer as my relaxing time , some people read books, some people watch tv, I get on my computer and it may be for 1-2 hours, I make time for that. If someone thinks I'm wrong for doing that I don't care but the point is we all need to set some time aside for ourselves to do whatever we enjoy.
Becka sweetie, I'm sorry that anyone would hurt you , you don't need that on top of everything but I'm going to tell you what my pediatrician told me when I was going through the same thing with DD1 and dh. Parents don't come with instructions, it's a learn as you go process. I found out that my dh was scared to death to touch an infant for the fear of hurting her....he had never handled an infant before. It took some teaching and at times biting my tongue but he did it. Men have a lot of fears about handling babies but they won't tell anyone.

 

[JerseyJanice]

Becka, I read this thread the other day when you first posted it and meant to respond. (I’ve been pretty busy this week and not on-line much.)

I went through feeling this way when my son was a baby. That first year back to work was brutal. I got no sleep, and I was constantly sick with colds and sinus infections. I think my immune system was worn down from stress and sleeplessness.

Anyway, I remember being annoyed with my husband for not doing much to help me. But looking back now, I think the problem of feeling overburdened had more to do with working full-time and less with him.

My husband was never big on diaper changing or baths; he didn’t help much with feeding at first, but I couldn’t blame him for that—I breastfed almost exclusively for 6 months, and he certainly couldn’t do that.

But he always helped me get dinner ready, helped with the dishes, did laundry, grocery shopping, etc. He did the chores he was comfortable with doing.

So, what I am saying is IMO having a full-time job and an infant to care for is very hard work—no matter how much help you get.

Chin up. It gets easier. Before you know it, your baby will be requiring less work. They always need lots of attention, but in a couple of years, he’ll be potty-trained, feeding himself, dressing himself, etc. And in the meantime, you’ll adjust to do whatever it takes to raise him and run your household. It’s so difficult at first, but you’ll get there. Almost all of us do.

Big {{{hugs}}} my dear. You can always vent here. Most of us are happy to lend an ear.