destination wedding

[Jill in Chicago]

Really think this through on if you have to go or not. Is it a brother or sister? If it's a cousin is he/she really close. If you don't go to the wedding will that person stop talking to you? Will there be heck to pay from the rest of the family?

OR can you simply say, "So sorry. That doesn't work for us," end. No explanations. Just, "so sorry."

I am 50. I no longer attend any event/get together that makes me pissed because I "have" to go. When I was in my 20/30s I let everyone else dictate what was "important," and what I "had," to do. With age comes the guts to do what you want to do, BUT it also gives you the wisdom to see the consequences of your choices.

For a gift you could do a "First Christmas Together." I did this for my brother and his wife. I know they were a bit shocked at the inexpensive gift, but I had to buy my expensive bridesmaid dress, and three tuxedo rentals. (My husband and two boys were all in the wedding party.)Add in a wedding shower, and I was done buying things.

 

[rigs32]

If a couple chooses a destination wedding they have to understand that many guests won't be able to make it. And guests can say no - don't go into debt just because you were invited.

That said, for those of you who say that you would never attend a destination wedding, what if a close relative moved across the country and then got married there. Would you never go? I would think FL would be cheaper than some place rural in the midwest without a nearby airport.

Heck, with as mobile as our country is, almost EVERY wedding is a destination wedding for a good chunk of the invited guests. Decline if you choose, but I don't think it's rude for the couple to choose their wedding. I think of it as more of an open invitation elopement.

 

[crisi]

If a couple chooses a destination wedding they have to understand that many guests won't be able to make it. And guests can say no - don't go into debt just because you were invited.

That said, for those of you who say that you would never attend a destination wedding, what if a close relative moved across the country and then got married there. Would you never go? I would think FL would be cheaper than some place rural in the midwest without a nearby airport.

Heck, with as mobile as our country is, almost EVERY wedding is a destination wedding for a good chunk of the invited guests. Decline if you choose, but I don't think it's rude for the couple to choose their wedding. I think of it as more of an open invitation elopement.

I think there is a difference between traveling because the bride and groom live there - or one of them grew up there - and a "destination wedding" where the bride and groom think everyone wants to take a vacation somewhere they picked.

But even in the first place, you can't expect everyone to travel. My sister just got married in one of those rural midwest towns hours from an airport. The wedding was well attended by those who live nearby and close family that lived far away. But sparsely attended by even aunts and uncles and cousins - and although my sister has a zillion friends spread all over the country, not one bothered to come in (and honestly, I don't think she invited but a handful - she's 40 and at this point, pretty pragmatic).

But to the OP, a gift is NEVER mandatory, regardless of how much you spend or don't spend to attend. But I think many brides would thing attendance in lieu of a gift to be - problematic. Brides seem sometimes loose the ability to reason and apply common sense. You know the bride. This might be a good time to get a set of Target wine glasses and a bottle of your favorite reasonably priced wine. Or get out the craft supplies or the childhood photos and make a keepsake. Something thoughtful that doesn't break the bank.

 

[C.Ann]

I am 50. I no longer attend any event/get together because I "have" to go. When I was in my 20/30s I let everyone else dictate what was "important," and what I "had," to do. With age comes the guts to do what you want to do, BUT it also gives you the wisdom to see the consequences of your choices.

I removed one part of your sentence above (the part that didn't/doesn't apply in my situation) because I have felt like this for a long, long time.. An invitation is just that - an invitation - it's not a "court order"..

Time and time again people are all in a tizzy - even when it comes to something as minor as their 4 yr. olds invitation to a birthday party for a pre-school classmate..

When people invite you to something, part of that invitation is the right to decline.. When I invite people to a cook-out (or when I used to have the huge gathering at my former home every Christmas Eve), people declined for various reasons and I never went into a tail spin about it.. Things come up; people get sick; another invitation has already been accepted; or they just plain don't feel like coming.. That's fine..

That is also why it's not a "court order"..

 

[Kat&Dom]

As someone who had a destination wedding, I can honestly tell you that I did not expect people to be able to attend and I certainly did not expect any gifts. I invited people so no one would be offended that they weren't invited but I was certainly flattered at the people who were excited and determined to attend.

I did however, make everyone wait to last minute to book their all-inclusive week as I had been watching the prices and thought the prices would go down. I didn't let my parents or my oldest brother and his family book until 2 weeks before the wedding. My mom thought she was going to miss my wedding but I wanted it to be as inexpensive as possible for those attending. Originally, the cost was $1,400 plus tax for the flights and one week all inclusive but by waiting until 2 weeks before the wedding - it ended up being $700 taxes in.

My dad couldn't believe how cheaply he got off on my wedding. They got a week vacation in Dominican Republic at an all inclusive resort (first and only time that my dad had been to one - he loved it though) for the 2 of them, they paid for my wedding photos and it came in under $2,000. Friends of the family had a wedding in their hometown and their wedding was not extravagant but still ended up costing $18,000. My dad's friend had to sell quite a few of his cows to pay for the wedding.

I didn't want a lot of wedding gifts and with the cost of weddings, I thought a destination wedding would be perfect for me. I could keep the wedding small, avoid getting a bunch of gifts and everyone who attended would get a vacation out of it too. It was a very relaxed and fun time and everyone who attended still talks about how much they enjoyed it.

And now unfortunately that I am divorced, I don't have all the guilt of my parents paying a tonne of money for a wedding that didn't last and at least they got a great vacation out of it. My dad had never understood my mom and my love for travel as he is afraid to fly but he was determined to attend my wedding so he got on the plane and had the best vacation of his life and now understands why we love to travel and see other cultures.

 

[disykat]

Yep, the reality is MOST weddings are destination weddings for some of the guests. The problem comes when the invitation comes with expectations.

 

[tomthebarncat]

Personally, I think that destination weddings are selfish, I understand you want to get married on a beach in Hawaii!! I don't understand why anyone would expect their friends and family to spend large amounts of money to attend??? go and do your thing but do not get upset when no one else is willing to go into debt to be there on your special day. I got married in Copenhagen, Denmark, I did this hoping and knowing that nobody would show up and that is just what happened, I had a drama free wedding and my dog got to be the witness!! Just my 2 RMB cents!!!

 

[DoomBuggy0922]

I'm having a destination wedding (very small though--- the only friends I've invited are girls I've been friends with for 10 and 19 years, and I'm only 24!), and I am certainly not expecting any gifts whatsoever--- and, really, the fact that they're coming is gift enough for me.

However, if you want to give a gift, my suggestion is to frame their wedding invitation. You can get away with buying a pretty frame at Target for under $10, and it really is something the bride will treasure. Heck, go to goodwill and get a frame! (I know I wouldn't mind that.) And, if you choose not to give a gift, just remember to bring a card--- I would be much more offended about the lack of a card (even if it's just homemade or printed off of the computer!!!) than a lack of a gift.

 

[leight]

LOL! Count me amongst the selfish! I had a Disney Swan wedding. Funny thing is that I wanted to go to the courthouse and just use our annual block party as the celebration but my mom went and booked her vegas trip for that week. Then we tried planning a reception at her clubhouse, but she kept adding 'must have' guests and costs rose and we were again getting into a wedding we didn't want to have. This was a 2nd wedding for us both-we'd been together for 10 yrs, had two kids and really wanted it to be for the kids- so something really fun.

We decided to do a destination wedding during our planned disney trip with our best friends and their two kids. Perfect, simple just with the kids. But people kept inviting themselves! Parents, siblings, parents inviting old friends in fl.... that 8 people became 25 and too costly for a Disney wedding. So dh & I switched to the Swan hotel, a weekday wedding in an off season, with a lovely luncheon. We rented a 9 bedroom executive home fully equipped so that no one had to go to a park if they didn't want to -game room, spa/pool, 8 bathrooms, 10 tvs. We split the costs with those who wanted to stay the week $300 per adult and asked everyone to chip in $100 for food for the week. The grandparents stayed at the house and went their own way while the families with kids hit the parks everyday. We compromised to have an offsite house and some shared rooms, but it kept costs down for everyone. My mil & mom were able to invite local friends/relatives to the house for visits and didn't have to depend on eating out for everything. It worked out for the most part. We had 9 adults & 5 kids stay and 25 at the wedding. I didn't expect gifts because of the costs, but since we really didn't invite anyone- I didn't feel guilty about it either.

 

[lizabu]

I don't mind destination weddings especially if it's someplace I want to go anyway. In July I went to my niece's wedding in Cairo and it was amazing. It never even occured to me to go there before but once I got the invitation I started looking into it and getting excited about the trip. Now it's a memory I will have for life. Next summer my nephew is getting married and he lives in Sweden. Another place it never occured to me to go. I just started researching all the things I want to see while there. No one felt pressure to go. Our family is spread around the globe and a family wedding is a good excuse for us all to get together and see each other.

 

[Sagginit]

But to the OP, a gift is NEVER mandatory, regardless of how much you spend or don't spend to attend. But I think many brides would thing attendance in lieu of a gift to be - problematic. Brides seem sometimes loose the ability to reason and apply common sense. You know the bride. This might be a good time to get a set of Target wine glasses and a bottle of your favorite reasonably priced wine. Or get out the craft supplies or the childhood photos and make a keepsake. Something thoughtful that doesn't break the bank.

i think this perfectly sums up my concern. the bride is very particular (her ring had to come from tiffany's- and she doesn't even wear jewelry really). they hate junk and buy the best of everything so honestly even christmas gifts are a nightmare. if i knew where they were honeymooning i would just send like a gift basket to the room but so far they haven't shared any plans for that.

to give more info it is my brother getting married and it is in new england in march. i do want to go obviously but i just don't know how i am going to afford it all. it's not anywhere our family would want to spend a week either. it is special to them i guess b/c that's where they got engaged but quite frankly no one in the family is thrilled to be going there. they also have not mentioned a word about wedding party or shower. the bride has very few girlfriends so i have a feeling on top of the wedding i will have to throw a shower with her sister and plan the bachelorette party.

i think my only option is to set out a budget for these three weddings/showers/bachelorettes i have planned and start saving. if it's not in the budget i will just need to tell them. at least now reading everyone's thoughts i feel like i'm not a horrible person for getting an invitation and the first thing i think about is how much money its gonna cost ME.

oh and ps i just found out my roomate has her SIL's shower in Dec. she registered for things like a $1,000 crib, $1,200 stroller so my roomate is having a cow. i guess there is no couch in the future for us......

 

[crisi]

oh and ps i just found out my roomate has her SIL's shower in Dec. she registered for things like a $1,000 crib, $1,200 stroller so my roomate is having a cow. i guess there is no couch in the future for us......

Some people really just need a ticket for the clue bus, don't they?

 

[Sagginit]

the funniest part is my roomate is a few years younger and this is her first baby shower. she saw the registry and told me she was like omg kids are so expensive, it costs thousands upon thousands just for a nursery! she was like the baby outfits were $50 a piece and they need a few a day! she then told me she looked at like target and realized you could get a crib for a few hundred and a baby outfit for a few bucks. the poor girl thought you really had to spend that much on those items and that they didn't come any cheapers.

looks like she got a clue but too bad others have not.

 

[Pigeon]

That said, for those of you who say that you would never attend a destination wedding, what if a close relative moved across the country and then got married there. Would you never go? I would think FL would be cheaper than some place rural in the midwest without a nearby airport.

Heck, with as mobile as our country is, almost EVERY wedding is a destination wedding for a good chunk of the invited guests. Decline if you choose, but I don't think it's rude for the couple to choose their wedding. I think of it as more of an open invitation elopement.

In my experience, the destination weddings are typically way more expensive. The ones that I've been invited to have been at at somewhat secluded resorts, with little or no choice about where you could stay. In one case, the invitation was to a destination wedding in a castle in a remote area of Scotland. Others have been on islands, where the areas outside the resort compounds are generally not great places for tourists.

I find the idea that your wedding=my vacation to be incredibly presumptuous. My vacation=my vacation. It's the over the top assumption that your wedding is so very important that everyone needs to take a week off work and spend their vacation budget on the wedding that I find rude.

If a relative is having an out of town wedding because they live there, that's a different thing altogether. If I can afford it and I want to go, I do. If the cost is too much, or the timing is tough, I don't. I've got one nephew who is getting married across the country at a time of year when school is in session and the kids and dh can't take time off. We'll be passing on that one. A niece is getting married during the summer in a place that's reasonably priced to get to, and where there's abundant, free entertainment to keep us busy for a few days. That one we may go to.

 

[disprincessatheart]

at least now reading everyone's thoughts i feel like i'm not a horrible person for getting an invitation and the first thing i think about is how much money its gonna cost ME.

oh and ps i just found out my roomate has her SIL's shower in Dec. she registered for things like a $1,000 crib, $1,200 stroller so my roomate is having a cow. i guess there is no couch in the future for us......

A couple of things from a recent destination bride and recent new mom. We had a destination wedding to make sure the guest list stayed small. I have a huge family, dh has none. Neither of us wanted a big wedding back in my home town with 150 people dh had never met (which happened to my sister). We both love Disney and so we invited just close family. We had 18 guests and all chose to spend the entire week and make it a Disney vacation with one day of wedding festivities.

As for the baby shower registry, yes, some of those prices are nuts, but most stores will give a % off to the registrant for anything not purchased that is still on the registry close to the due date. We had a couple of large ticket items on ours, a couple people actually bought either as group gifts or the grandparents got them, and the rest we were able to buy at a discount!

 

[TinkPirateMom]

If I can afford it and I want to go, I do. If the cost is too much, or the timing is tough, I don't.

Why not have the same attitude regarding destination weddings as well? It's just an invitation not a mandatory obligation. If it's for someone you would really like to support in a destination you might like to see and you can afford to go then go. If not, decline. No big deal. No need to consider the DW couple presumptuous or get in a tiff over.
I personally would rather be invited to a different type of wedding. Sitting through the Catholic masses and the same big old Jersey weddingsall the time gets old quick.

As for the baby shower registry, yes, some of those prices are nuts, but most stores will give a % off to the registrant for anything not purchased that is still on the registry close to the due date. We had a couple of large ticket items on ours, a couple people actually bought either as group gifts or the grandparents got them, and the rest we were able to buy at a discount!

I was going to say the same thing about the registries, some people put big ticket items on there so they get the percentage off and sometimes groups of guests like to chip in for 1 big gift.

 

[JCbob]

If a wedding causes you extra expenses, I think it would be ok not to bring a wedding gift. People know times are tough right now and I don't think you would be judged for it.

 

[rachel09985]

I think it would be okay to not get a gift? If she is your friend, she will understand that you are spending extra money to go and be totally ok! At least my friend was.

What I did, is I wrote her a card for her wedding (wedding party contributed a small amount for a grill as well) and told her that was her present. But after I got back and head more money I printed out my favorite pictures I took during her wedding festivities and put them in a frame I purchased. It was a great touch and more meaningful than a monetary donation!

 

[leebee]

OP, where in New England is the wedding? Usually March is not the most beautiful, convenient time up here... still snow on the ground in the northern parts, mud or snow on the ground in the southern parts, not a really great time of year for a visit! I say do what you are comfortable with... otherwise you will always regret this.

DH and I got married in Maine, in the seacoast town where I spent my summers and my family was living. As his family all lived in the midwest, we tried to make everything as affordable as possible, as it was important to us that they be able to come. We picked a date that was after the public schools got out but before tourist season started. We also told his family that if they could get here, we would cover the cost of accommodations for up to 4 nights. We shopped around HARD for affordable stuff for the wedding, converted from sit down service to buffet, hired a dj instead of a band, and made our own table decoration and favors, as well as my veil. Was it the wedding of my dreams? Yes, but not because of the stuff we had, because of the people we had. It was 1993, we had 85 guests, rented five oceanfront cottage units for MIL, 5 siblings with spouses and children (accommodations for 19), had a lobster bake rehearsal dinner, paid for everything including our weekend honeymoon and two week car rental, for just about $6000, which is what we budgeted that we could afford. It makes me crazy to hear about the bridezillas of today, destination weddings, over-the-top expenses, and $15000 gowns. Talk about a waste of money, especially with over 50% of marriages ending in divorce.

 

[Aliceacc]

I think that some people get too involved in the "IT'S ALL ABOUT ME!!!"mindset when there's a special occasion.

If you can't afford to go to a destination wedding, send your regrets and a small wedding gift. No apologies for not having the money, no disrupting your family's spending so someone else can have the wedding of HER dreams. If she wants you to be there, she has to make choices that you can afford. It's as simple as that. By choosing a destination wedding, she's weeding out those friends and family members who have other expenses.

In this economy in particular, I can't imagine how people don't get this basic fact: not everyone can afford to fund YOUR dreams.

As to expensive registries: ignore them. Get the new parents whatever YOU think they'll want or need or enjoy and ignore the registry. It's a GIFT, right??? You're not the UPS guy delivering stuff she's ordered and paid for. You're someone choosing to get a gift to celebrate a joyous occasion. If you're in the mood, include a gift receipt. If not, then give what you want to give and be done with it. Some of the best gifts I've ever given have NOT come off a list: I embroidered a Christmas tablecloth for the wedding of one of my husband's best friends, I got my husband a GPS last Christmas that he didn't know he wanted, and this Christmas he's getting Lunch with an Imagineer as a Christmas gift for a WDW trip he's chaperoning next year. He hasn't requested it (I don't think he knows it exists) but I know he's going to love it!!!