Destination Wedding, your thoughts/opinions.

[DVC~OKW~96]

You don't need a local wedding to be larger than you want it to be.

In the end, when all is said and done will you be happy that your brother and grandfather and in-laws couldn't attend?

I'm one of those rare people who do not believe that the wedding is "all about the couple" and should be a "me me me me first fest."

I believe it should be a gathering of people that you want to share in the single most important event in your life. As such, that event should be geared toward honoring your union as well as the people who are gracious enough to attend.

Yes, I realize I am hopelessly old fashioned.

Carry on.

 

[aprilgail2]

Wow, not even your daughter or your sibling? So, you have decided ahead of time that you will never attend a destination wedding? Doesn't matter who, what, where, when or why? All I can say to that is that I've lived long enough to know - never say never.

.

The ONLY destination wedding I would go to was my daughters---not a sister/brother/ cousi/ uncle etc.....I get a certain amount of time/money each year for vacations and I prefer to use it on places we want to go rather than where someone else chooses to get married.

 

[Scurvy]

I think you need to weigh how much you want a Disney wedding against how much you want your brother, grandfather, and groom's parents at your wedding.

I agree with this.

OP here, I wouldn't be mad if people couldn't attend, but I think they may be mad b/c I am not having it here and therefore they are unable to attend.

so frustrating

Do you have reason to believe they'd be mad? Frankly, I wouldn't care if someone was mad that they couldn't come to my wedding. If anything, it would make me glad they couldn't be there. What would bother me is if I thought someone I cared about would be hurt if they couldn't be part of my wedding. Ultimately, you have the right to throw the wedding you want and your potential guests have the right to accept or decline the invitation as they see fit. Ideally that's how it would work out and everyone would be accepting of each other's choices, and no one would be hurt. Realistically it doesn't usually work out that way. You have to consider the possible consequences of what you decide and figure out if you can live with them. It's a balancing act in most cases, since it's usually impossible to make everyone completely happy.

I personally could not have had a destination wedding because to me, the location was much less important than having our families there. I'm not a fan of them in general, anyway, because when I'm invited to one, the money has to come from our vacation budget and I'd rather spend our family vacation money on a vacation that my family actually chooses for ourselves.

You say this would be your dream wedding. Is it the venue or the small intimate nature of it that you've been dreaming of? Is the main reason for a Disney destination wedding is so you don't have to invite tons of people? That wasn't a problem for me - where I live, it's acceptable to have a small wedding and extended family and friends don't expect invitations to that. If that isn't acceptable in your area, could you find a compromise somehow? Maybe you could find a venue close to your home that can't accomodate many people. Then you have a valid excuse for only including a small number of people. Everyone should be just as understanding of your small wedding because you fell in love with a charming little venue as they would have been if you had a destination wedding, but your brother and inlaws could still attend.

If the main draw for a Disney wedding is that you actually want to get married at Disney World, then you have to decide whether your dream wedding is worth the potential fallout. That makes it more difficult.

 

[TLuvsD]

I'd have the wedding where my future in-laws can attend. And Grandfather and brother. Then go to Disney for a great honeymoon. If you can have a small destination wedding, you can have a small at home wedding. No reason to exclude close family members.
In general, I don't care for destination weddings. Frankly, there is pressure to attend and I may not want to spend my vacation at your wedding. If you do the destination wedding, can your parents do some sort of open house reception (think desserts, appetizers, mid afternoon so no meal) for those who are being excluded?

 

[DawnCt1]

If you don't care if any of your family attend or not, then it's up to you.

I wouldn't go to anybody's destination wedding, period. Personally, as a guest, they would be a complete non-starter, whether it was my sibling or my daughter getting married. Your wedding is not my vacation. If you want to have one, that's your choice. I do think they are obnoxious and rude if any pressure is put on anyone to attend.

And it does send a message to your families and your friends that you really don't value their participation in your wedding. If you don't, that's fine.

I have to say that I agree with you 100%, particularly if the bride and groom expect family members (even any family members) to attend. We know a couple that was just married in Italy. It was all they could afford to do to get there, let alone parents, grandparents and aunts. It was such an expense that spouses of the aunts couldn't afford to go. It took that family's entire, annual vacation budget to send one. While I certainly understand that weddings are about the bride and groom, it doesn't mean that they shouldn't consider the inconvenience and expense to others. One of my friend's DDs was married in Hawaii. Just her and her husband and then they returned to the mainland and had a reception here for everyone else. That is always a choice if one must get married away from family and friends.

 

[pigletgirl]

If you have a small party and everyone can get there, by all means do it! There shouldn't be anything to hold you back.

 

[Carly_Roach]

For a very long time me and fiance have been trying to plan some sort of wedding. I wasn't really actively trying to plan anything b/c I wanted to finish college first, but now that i am done we'd like to plan something small.

So we thought a Disney Wedding , small, 21 people (including us and our DD). Its just those that are closest to us, parents, grandparents, brothers,sisters, and my aunt (who is like my sister we are 7 years apart), my uncle, and their 3 kids, and my fiance's best friend. Me and my aunt were planning a Disney Vacation anyway and my parents and sis would probably have went along too in Aug. Did I mention this would be my dream wedding?

The problem? FIance isn't too sure his parents would go, he thinks it would just be his sis, grandmother and his best friend. And I don't think my grandfather would come or my brother. My grandfather is older and I don't know if he'd want to travel and my brother has dogs that he doesn't want to leave.
Fiance doesn't seem too upset that his parents may not come, it doesn't seem to phase him much.

So I don't know what to do, if we had a wedding here where we lived it would no longer be small, it would turn into 100 people @ 100 a head, thats $10000 just on dinner! (We have large extended families that we'd have to invite). My parents said they'd help us pay for the Disney Wedding.

I guess, I am sad that my grandfather and brother probably won't come, but I understand that they can't, I wouldn't be mad, but at the same time I don't want them to be mad at me for not getting married locally.

Not sure what to do...WWYD?

Without reading the other replies so I won't be biased, I'd have to say that it's the way you want to start your new life with the one you love most and a majority of the people who are important to you will be there to witness it.

The only issue I might have with the guests is whether or not they can afford to go to your wedding. While it might be your destination of choice, it may not be something that others want to invest $1,000 or more in. If my brother were getting married and his fiance chose a destination wedding of Tahiti or Hawaii, I know we wouldn't be able to afford to go.

Obviously most of your family feels that the investment is worth it. In the case of those who may not show up, such as your fiancee's parents, I suppose I'd see what I could do to persuade them to come if they were really important to me. I'd probably help out with airfare, hotel costs, driving costs and/or kennel issues. (I think Disney even has a hotel now for guests with animals?) If they still refused, then I'd leave them alone. You did what you could.

However, be aware that you'll likely have to live with your decision to start life your way for the rest of the time you know your in-laws. If a Disney wedding is important to you, then it'll be worth the grief you'll have to live with.

Best of luck to you!

 

[Wishing on a star]

The only thing that I see that is a real kicker, is you mentioned that your fiance's parents would probably not be there.

Why would they not come?
Financial???
Elderly???
Just their personal preference???

How does your Fiance feel about this situation with his parents.

This, I think, is the real kicker.

I am one who feels that a wedding is about the Bride and Groom.
There will always be the stress and expectations that come in from extended family members. (dogs???? ) I suppose I also could not make a decision that would exclude parents unless there was a very, VERY, good reason that could not be worked around.

Congratulations to you and your Fiance!!!!

 

[TheZue]

I don't get the annoyance at destination weddings. It's not like people always live right near all their relatives, travel is often an expense even if people are getting married "locally". My cousin grew up here then moved to Toronto and got married there, I couldn't afford to go and my elderly aunt couldn't make it either. Not a destination wedding, just a spread out family. I don't expect people to base their wedding plans on my financial situation or vacation availability. The only thing I'd ask is tons of heads up because I like to plan my vacations way way way in advance lol.

I got married in Vegas, it was wonderful and at the time frugal. I didn't get upset at people if they couldn't or wouldn't come. Everyone was welcome and we did move the date around so key people could make it.

 

[Carly_Roach]

If you don't care if any of your family attend or not, then it's up to you.

I wouldn't go to anybody's destination wedding, period. Personally, as a guest, they would be a complete non-starter, whether it was my sibling or my daughter getting married. Your wedding is not my vacation. If you want to have one, that's your choice. I do think they are obnoxious and rude if any pressure is put on anyone to attend.

And it does send a message to your families and your friends that you really don't value their participation in your wedding. If you don't, that's fine.

I would hope so. My friends and family already get the message that I don't value their participation in my marriage. Perfectly natural because I stay out of their marriages as well.

Weddings are celebrations of two people becoming one and are most important to the two people sealing their decision at a particular ceremony. Therefore, if someone is going to feel slighted because I didn't consider their opinions of my wedding, chances are that same someone would also be slighted when I don't consider their opinions of my marriage. If someone were to infer what you just said (that I didn't care about them being there when I got married - which is rather insulting), then I'd probably consider myself lucky that I'm well shut of them and thank my lucky stars that I won't have to deal with them in the future.

DH and I live our lives not paying attention to people who feel slighted because they can't direct our marriage or our lives. It works for us and unless/until we have a problem and/or ask advice, your (generic you) opinion of our wedding, marriage and/or lives is none of our business and we don't really care to hear it.

But it takes a lot of self-confidence to be able to say that and mean it. Not everyone has that.

 

[barkley]

You know what I think is obnoxious? When guests think they get to dictate how the wedding "should" be and then boo hoo about it. An invitation is not an obligation. You dont have to go. People understand if someone cant travel to their wedding.

in some families an invitation to a wedding is considered an obligation. an obligation that if declined can be considered a severing event.

not everyone is understanding of why a wedding invite, even to a non destination location must sometimes be declined, and rather than doing what is appropriate when an invitation is declined, those inviting ask of the guest why they are declining, often making them feel as though they have to defend themselves in their decision.

if a person extending an invitation takes the rude track of asking a guest to explain why they declined the invite, then they open the door to hearing the issues/conflicts that person (and others) may have with the venue/location/date/time. if they don't want to hear complaints, just decide when and where they will hold the wedding, send the invites and accept that there will be some declines on the rsvp's-and leave it at that.

the wedding IS about the bride and groom, but there's a reason wedding invitations read "we ask for the HONOR of your presence", the bride and groom are honored by those who accept the invitation to be in attendance; if they want to be honored by certain individuals or the majority of those they invite then they need to take into consideration what factors could exclude these individuals from attending.

 

[Slinky Dog]

Its your wedding, so its your choice. You just need to make sure you can live with the choices you make.

 

[Carly_Roach]

in some families an invitation to a wedding is considered an obligation. an obligation that if declined can be considered a severing event.
not everyone is understanding of why a wedding invite, even to a non destination location must sometimes be declined, and rather than doing what is appropriate when an invitation is declined, those inviting ask of the guest why they are declining, often making them feel as though they have to defend themselves in their decision.

Yeah, but you're mixing apples and oranges here. The familes who would shun someone for not attending a wedding wouldn't produce children who would ever think of having a destination wedding. Obviously the OP's families aren't from that grouping or, if they are, obviously the DF's father and mother's opinions aren't all that important to him because he's not insisting on a local wedding.

In our family, not attending a wedding isn't a shunning behavior. But we each came from clans who felt family came first, foremost and always. If someone couldn't attend, I'd like to know why so I could try to fix it so they could attend if they wanted to. Like a grandparent being in Florida instead of Michigan in October, I could always bump the date up or offer to fly them in. But if their answer was a straight-forward, "I just don't want to commit the time", yeah I might be hurt for a minute but I'd be grateful for their honesty.

 

[Scurvy]

DH and I live our lives not paying attention to people who feel slighted because they can't direct our marriage or our lives. It works for us and unless/until we have a problem and/or ask advice, your (generic you) opinion of our wedding, marriage and/or lives is none of our business and we don't really care to hear it.

But it takes a lot of self-confidence to be able to say that and mean it. Not everyone has that.

Considering the opinions of those you care about when planning your wedding certainly doesn't mean you have a lack of self confidence. Many people would feel that it was important that their family and friends be there for one of the most important days of their lives. The fact that someone hoped to be at your wedding and is unhappy or disappointed that you are choosing a wedding that makes it impossible for them to attend does not mean that they would in any way attempt to direct your marriage or your life. I find that assumption that they would do so to be an extremely odd one, but perhaps your friends and family are much more meddlesome than most. Most people would not assume, if you tried to arrange your wedding in such a way as to include them, that they were also invited to be a part of your marriage or to have any control over your life. For most people, there's a large difference between a wedding and a marriage. I imagine most couples are perfectly capable of considering others when throwing a party while still maintaining control of the important things like their marriage or their lives.

 

[CrzyforPiglet]

Yes at the end of the day your wedding should be about you and your DF (plus your DD in this case) but I don't think that means you get to check everyone else's feelings at the door - especially those that may be important to both of you. I'm sorry but the issue about DF's parents just doesn't sit right with me - you obviously have discussed this with your own parents and have their blessing but not your future ILs? I don't know what your relationship is with them and believe me there is no love lost between me and my MIL but to not discuss your ideas/plans with them on a destination wedding (especially when you've discussed it with others) is disrespectful. I know your DF says he MAY not be upset if they don't come but unless they are the ILs from you know where why wouldn't they want to see their son get married - their feelings count too.

So my advice to you is the same thing DH and I did when we planned our destination wedding - you each need to sit down and decide if there is anyone (family, friends, etc.) that you would be really sad if they didn't see you get married. For us it was my mom and my MIL - for everyone else we would love to have there for our special day but no hard feelings if they couldn't come. Once we decided who absolutely had to be there we called each of them got their blessing and then moved forward with our plans. We ended up with about 25 people at our actual wedding and then had a separate reception about a month after we got back for everyone else.

All the best no matter what you decide!

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, being able and willing to travel to attend a destination wedding is a very different thing than trying to meddle/control the wedding (as in, dictating the guest list, the reception, and even assuming entitlement to state ones opinions on the bride's dress, etc.. etc..)

That is a whole nother thread!!!

OP, why would your future husband's parents not be in attendance????

If it is because they have their own 'issues', then I say, "so what, do what you want to do."

If it is because they have financial limitations, I would suggest that you and your fiance offer to cover expenses.

If the requirements and demands of travel are truly just too much for them, and they would really LOVE to see their son get married... Then, under those circumstances, I might consider a smaller local wedding.

I wouldn't let anyone try to tell you that if it is local it means that every single 'relative' and 'friend' in the entire region must be on the guest list.

 

[disykat]

Its your wedding, so its your choice. You just need to make sure you can live with the choices you make.

I agree.

Personally, in your situation I would have a local wedding and keep it small. Either that or I'd elope (no "wedding" just a private ceremony) at Disney. I can't imagine choosing a location to hold a wedding that would include my parents but exclude the groom's.

It seems to me that OP is choosng something that will exclude the groom's parents because she doesn't want to exclude other extended family and friends. Unless the groom doesn't have a relationship with his parents, this doesn't make any sense to me.

Because I lived away from "home" when I married, my wedding was a destination for family. We considered our parents and siblings FIRST when choosing dates and anyone else was an invited guest who could come or not.

 

[Wishing on a star]

About the whole 'destination wedding' thing.

Yes, people who happen to live further away from a wedding that is local to the bride and groom would have to incur some travel expenses.

But, there is a HUGE difference that, and the Bride and Groom expecting everyone to be able to shell out to travel to some expensive 'Destination'.

Sure, maybe I would love to be married in Hawaii.....
But, asking everyone to be able to shell out the money to travel to Hawaii, just because of MY big dreams, is an entirely different situation.

Personally, in my family, (from the South where there are very few with large amounts of expendable income.) A destination wedding would not even be a remote consideration for me. It would end up as an elopement.

 

[RangerPooh]

Having read this thread I find that there is a lot of hostility towards the original posters considerations for their wedding. While she may have been asking for your advice, I'm sure she wasn't asking for criticism of her choice. When my husband and I got married we considered a local event and decided that it wasn't worth it as there was no venue local to my family that held any sort of special meaning to us. Additionally, family complained about our possible locations that were less than an hour from them. When we decided to have a destination wedding they complained then too. But it was when we said that they didn't have to come and that it wasn't there day that their tune changed.

Both sets of my grandparents were able to attend my wedding, and yes I would have been sad if they had not been able to come, but it would have been something that I could have lived with. After all I could ahve shared my pictures with them at one of the many family gatherings that summer. Plus they were able to attend our engagement dinner (locally).

As for the original poster, she has stressed that having a small wedding is what they are interested in. Additionally they want a venue that has some significance to them, and none of the local venues that they considered ahve that. There are probably details that ahve not been included, and she might have offered to pay or help with the cost of her brother and grandfather, but they ahve made their decision.

People have complained about destination weddings and the costs associated with them. I will agree that they can be expensive. With our wedding to help with our bridal party's cost we paid for half of their room (the girls knew each other and shared rooms, no bf or spouses at the time) and their park tickets. For my SIL family we paid for their hotel room, attire, and park tickets, so that they could come. All of this I felt was reasonable considering I have attended/been in weddings that either required a cross country flight or upwards of 11 hours of driving to attend, where nothing was paid for, for me but my attendance was expected. It's those weddings that I take issue with, not the ones were the couple makes an attempt to accommodate their guests in some manner.

So let's remember that where ever the couple decides to hold their wedding it will be their day.

 

[*Meagan*]

Dh and I had a destination wedding in January in the Caribbean. And it was Fabulous! You have to know going in to it that not everyone will be able to make it. BUt the people closest to you will be there. It is about you and your fiance and your marriage! Some people dont have the kindest things to say about DW but in the end if you two are happy that is all that matters.

We also had 22 guests and DH's mom did not attend. Her loss basically.. we offered to buy her ticket etc. She is on her cloud.. sometimes.

We did have a wedding reception back in the states for everyone who could not attend etc.. and everyone really enjoyed that also. IN the end though it was not our wedding day people were still able to be a part of it.

Cost for us was not even comparable. Im from the east coast.. and Connecticut weddings are not cheap.. we would have been looking at $50,000+ bill. Our DW was about $15000 with pictures, a free wedding(included in our stay), our resort stay for 10 days, dress, flowers, flights,OOT bags for guests, etc

Good Luck! DW are so much fun!!