Destination wedding dilemma - Update page 8

[QVCshopper]

My younger sister (almost 28), whom I love very much, got engaged to a really nice guy. Now, my parents didn't save a penny for the wedding, and they couldn't help me out when I got married 12 years ago, either. We had a $10K event, and it was small and fine; looking back, eloping was probably a good option, but I was 22 and didn't know any better.

My sister doesn't want to "settle" on her wedding (her words). She has some very well off friends from private college who had elaborate weddings that their parents paid for, and I guess she knows she can't pull of something as fancy as she's been to in the past due to money. So, she wants a destination wedding out of the country.

Now, I'm in my third trimester, and have two other kids. She wants us all to attend--so I will need 5 passports, 4 airfares, plus room/food. She wants my daughter and son to be in the wedding; I'm not sure about me. But, traveling with an infant and young kids to a foreign country, pulling them out of school, spending I'm estimating $5-6K+, just doesn't sound like a reasonable request.

At this point, I'm going to talk to her about the possibility of us not coming... or me just going with the baby. But, I'm really torn; my husband said no already. To be honest, I’d rather just give her $1-2K to pay for a wedding here than to go her route.

Opinions? Please keep in mind that I will have three college tuitions to pay for, our insurance premiums are going up big time next year (just like everyone’s), and just the usual stresses of life. She’s 7 years younger than me, so of course our viewpoints on life are very different at this point…

 

[kermit116]

As nice as it would be to attend the wedding, my personal opinion is that it is unreasonably to expect you to travel with little kids and especially with a newborn. I wouldn't want to travel within the US with a newborn, let alone oversees. Plus, the cost is quite high. I would tell your sister you love her very much and would love to be there, but based on what is best for your kids, you won't be able to make it. Perhaps she could have a nice reception at home after the wedding event.

 

[Sadie22]

I would suggest to Sis that she might go to the foreign country on her honeymoon, but she could have a nice wedding at home first that family members can comfortably all attend together. Otherwise, wish her well but tell her your family cannot attend her destination wedding.

 

[Belle5]

NO WAY!!! Sorry, that's the kind of money you spend on your own child's wedding...not your sibling's, for goodness sakes (speaking as parents-of-the-groom two months ago)!

You sound like me, personality-wise...in that you feel you have to give a consolation reward because you won't be going. Please, please, learn from me...someone who has behaved out of guilt in these kinds of situations my whole life. Only give her what you would give her if she were married here. Don't forget, she made the decision to have this wedding in a location ( and you with a newborn) where it is nearly IMPOSSIBLE for you to go. You owe her nothing extra because she chose this route. It is not your responsibility in ANY way to in part or whole fund this grown woman's wedding. While it is NICE if a parent pays for a very grown up woman's wedding, it is not an entitlement. It is certainly not something you should feel in the slightest way responsible. Please don't feel you have to "pay her off" because you're not going to the wedding. Get her a lovely gift. Spend what you would have spent for her if she were married locally. Give her a beautiful shower, if that is in your heart (don't if it's not). I would be very upfront with her right from the get-go so she can make alternative plans for other children to be in the wedding, etc. My two cents...Good luck and let us know how you handle it and what her reaction is!

 

[Disneybuckeye]

You need to put your family first. Obviously you love your sister, but what she is asking you to do is exremely expensive and not something most families can afford. I also agree with being very leary of taking a young infant out of the country. When a couple has a destination wedding they have to be willing to accept that not everyone will be able to afford to attend and just be happy with those that are able to make it. I hope all turns out well. I agree there is something to be said for eloping and my parents did pay for my big wedding.

 

[QVCshopper]

Thanks for the responses. I really do care deeply for my sister, but at times, she says silly things like she wishes she was marrying a man with a richer family, and she's upset that my parents can't give her much money. I hope she's joking about the richer family thing, though.

I know life is hard, but my parents did pay for the majority of her college, plus she had loans. But, they couldn't afford to pay for any of mine when I went, and I managed by working a lot, graduating early, and loans. (I'm not jealous--really! It all made me who I am.)

Oh well, I hope things work out in the long run. I'll talk to her soon as she's in the early planning stages, to let her know up front where we stand. She is a lovely person, though, and I do wish her the best!

 

[BubMunkeyBles]

Do what you're comfortable with. If I had enough time to come up with the money I'd be all over it. But we're travel junkies and our two kids already have passports and I've flown overseas with them before. It's definitely not for everyone though. I don't think I could miss my sisters wedding if I could find the money somehow to go.

 

[mom to minnie&mickey]

My jaw kept dropping lower and lower the more I read your post.
How dare your sister make a request like that based on her inability to "keep up with the Joneses". So, she does not have enough money to outshine her rich friends but has no problem in allowing your family in spending $$$$$. The decision is not yours alone to make as you also have a dh (who BTW sounds very logical.) Does she not see what kind of problems this could cause between you and dh? If I had that kind of money available it would be going into my kids' education fund and not to appease my spoiled sister. Tell her to keep the wedding in town or to find others to be in the wedding (good luck with that!) DO NOT give her 1-2K why would you? The most you should give is maybe $500. If she cannot afford it, let her postpone the wedding. Your first priority must be your dh and children. What if the little ones get sick in this foreign country? People never fail to amaze me with their entitled attitudes. Good luck with your new baby.

 

[KarenAylwood]

Yikes... I'm 29 and got married a month ago. We did have an expensive wedding :insert dodging flames here: but no one went into debt over it and it was not a financial burden. If I had to pay for it myself, it would have been a VERY different day.

I'm not far from your sister's age but I'm evidentally pretty different as I think it'd be absurd to assume that you and your family would travel so far and spend so much money on my wedding! My sister flew to mine but sans kiddos and it was like a $200 flight. Even that I didn't ever expect.

In a time when many (ok, most) are somewhat stretched financially, I don't think it's unreasonable to nicely explain to her that this just isn't possible. I honestly can't believe she'd ever expect you all to go!

You could also try to sway her with explaining the difficulty of planning a destination wedding... I'll say it was MUCH easier having ours close to home! I couldn't imagine trying to plan a destination one. I also second what Sadie22 said- try to push her for a nice honeymoon. She's only going to have one pot of money if she isn't getting much help- I personally would rather spend the majority of it on an awesome honeymoon!

 

[DoomBuggy0922]

I agree with all of the above posters. While I am a bride planning a destination wedding, and I also realize that, oftentimes, brides live in this imaginary la-la-land (I've done it too! ), your sister should understand if you are unable to attend. You'll have a NEWBORN!!!! Some of our family members are unable to attend our wedding, and we understood that when we chose a Disney wedding.

Hopefully, your sister will understand (and respect!) your choice.

 

[Pigeon]

I would never do this for anyone. Not for my sisters or my brothers or my own kids.

Essentially, these "destination weddings" are just a mechanism for transferring the bulk of the cost of a fancy high end wedding from the couple to the guests, by making it so only a small number of people will actually attend while still having a luxurious event.

Your sister sounds like she has very unhealthy priorities. That doesn't mean you need to share those priorities. I would just tell her that while you want her to have a great wedding and more importantly, a wonderful marriage, that's just not in your budget and you will not be attending.

She may very well be upset with you. That's her problem, not yours.

 

[daisyduck123]

My younger sister (almost 28), whom I love very much, got engaged to a really nice guy. Now, my parents didn't save a penny for the wedding, and they couldn't help me out when I got married 12 years ago, either. We had a $10K event, and it was small and fine; looking back, eloping was probably a good option, but I was 22 and didn't know any better.

My sister doesn't want to "settle" on her wedding (her words). She has some very well off friends from private college who had elaborate weddings that their parents paid for, and I guess she knows she can't pull of something as fancy as she's been to in the past due to money. So, she wants a destination wedding out of the country.

Now, I'm in my third trimester, and have two other kids. She wants us all to attend--so I will need 5 passports, 4 airfares, plus room/food. She wants my daughter and son to be in the wedding; I'm not sure about me. But, traveling with an infant and young kids to a foreign country, pulling them out of school, spending I'm estimating $5-6K+, just doesn't sound like a reasonable request.

At this point, I'm going to talk to her about the possibility of us not coming... or me just going with the baby. But, I'm really torn; my husband said no already. To be honest, I’d rather just give her $1-2K to pay for a wedding here than to go her route.

Opinions? Please keep in mind that I will have three college tuitions to pay for, our insurance premiums are going up big time next year (just like everyone’s), and just the usual stresses of life. She’s 7 years younger than me, so of course our viewpoints on life are very different at this point…

I would not put it off any longer. I'd let her know right away that attending this is out of the question. Just get it over with.

 

[indimom]

I would keep myself up at night fretting about this.
You may as well tell her now, at least you'll have it over with.

 

[mrsklamc]

I agree with everyone else - if you choose a destination wedding, you accept that people aren't going to be able to come.

And my flame suit is on but I'm just going to say the other thing I'm thinking; if she actually makes statements out loud like "I wish I was marrying into a wealthier family," and expects you to spend this kind of money on her wedding, and is so concerned with keeping up with the Joneses-I don't have a lot of faith in her relationship skills. Think how ticked you will be if you spend a ridiculous amount on this and and the marriage doesn't work out.

 

[Macprincess]

I would take the time to sit down alone with your sister and explain your dilemma. Let her know it’s breaking your heart to have to miss her day. Explain that money just isn’t doable right now. (I agree that asking a family with 3 small kids to come up with that kind of money for her day is insane!) I doubt she has even considered how difficult this will be for you. She may not get it at all at this stage of her life. However, odds are there will be a day when she completely understands why you can’t do this.

I wouldn’t ask her to change her wedding plans to accommodate you. It is after all her day. She should decide when and where her day is but she has to live with the fact that people she cares about won’t be there. After I have told her I wasn’t coming I would remain firm not allowing yourself to be guilted into going.

Maybe you can throw her an affordable local bridal luncheon or shower. That way you can still play a part in honoring her special day.

 

[QVCshopper]

Thanks! I will talk to her when I see her next; she kind of sprung this on me today when I called her at work, although she's mentioned the destination wedding thing before. I didn't know she was going out of the US; maybe the Virgin Islands, but that's still a stretch.

I may be able to afford it, but I'd have to work about half of the year to come up with the cash. I'm not even sure if my parents can afford it; they are 65+ and are trying to make up on lost time saving for retirement. My mom gave me a big guilt trip though. I think my brother and I are the "wealthier" siblings at this point, but mostly because we are 7 and 10 years older than our next closest sibling (it's a spread of 20 years between all of us; the spread makes it hard because we are all at different points in our lives.)

I did tell my mom that the two nicest weddings I've ever been to have resulted in divorce. Not saying that the cost has anything to do with it, just that great weddings don't always equal lasting marriages.

 

[GaSleepingBeautyFan]

She is being unreasonable. If she wants a destination wedding, she's going to have to accept that not everyone can be there.

I would say thank you so much for inviting us but we cannot go. If you feel like giving her an explanation, go for it but you don't owe her one.

Do not let her guilt even just you into going - just say No.

And DO NOT give her any money towards the wedding (other than a wedding gift)! She chose it - she and her husband need to handle the costs.

Oh and if it helps knowing - I was unable to attend 2 of my sisters weddings and they were only halfway across the United States because I couldn't afford the travel costs. They both understood.

 

[Swan4Me]

Why not try to get her to do a destination beach wedding in the USA?


But I'd still not want to do it with an infant younger than 9 months

 

[LuLuO]

As nice as it would be to attend the wedding, my personal opinion is that it is unreasonably to expect you to travel with little kids and especially with a newborn. I wouldn't want to travel within the US with a newborn, let alone oversees. Plus, the cost is quite high. I would tell your sister you love her very much and would love to be there, but based on what is best for your kids, you won't be able to make it. Perhaps she could have a nice reception at home after the wedding event.

Agreed. If I were in your situation, I would have to decline. Destination weddings are wonderful, but the bride and groom need to decide which is more important, the where or the who.

I also agree to tell her now rather than wait. The sooner the better.

 

[TinkPirateMom]

I would take the time to sit down alone with your sister and explain your dilemma. Let her know it’s breaking your heart to have to miss her day. Explain that money just isn’t doable right now. (I agree that asking a family with 3 small kids to come up with that kind of money for her day is insane!) I doubt she has even considered how difficult this will be for you. She may not get it at all at this stage of her life. However, odds are there will be a day when she completely understands why you can’t do this.

I wouldn’t ask her to change her wedding plans to accommodate you. It is after all her day. She should decide when and where her day is but she has to live with the fact that people she cares about won’t be there. After I have told her I wasn’t coming I would remain firm not allowing yourself to be guilted into going.

Maybe you can throw her an affordable local bridal luncheon or shower. That way you can still play a part in honoring her special day.

This is the pretty much what I was going to say. If you are unable to attend your sister's destination wedding due to finances and family matters then all you have to do is be up front with your sister. Then she can make a decision on how to proceed with her plans with all the information she needs. However, I disagree with other posters that advise you to suggest other types of weddings. I don't think you should suggest she change her plans because you cannot attend.

If she proceeds with the DW plans and you change your mind about attending perhaps you could go for just a couple of nights by yourself. Again, only if you feel it is important to you not out of guilt.

Yes, couples planning DW's need to accept the fact that not everyone on their guest list will be able to attend. However, the first step in planning is to feel out your VIP's by bringing up your plans to them before making any final decisions. It is a way to know where those most important to you stand. So the other side of this is that she could just be feeling you out. This is another important reason for you to be honest with her as soon as possible. It would be worse if everyone told her they would come and are excited about it and then when it came time for it nobody actually booked their trip. That would cause hurt feelings.