Desperate Mommy venting....what am I doing wrong?!

[ekball]

Hoping that there are some parents out there who I can commiserate with this morning....

Ever feel like the worst parent in the world? Like all you do some days is yell? Like your kids never listen to a word you are saying until you raise your voice? Like your toddler has the attitude of a teenager? Like you are trying your best, but your best just plain stinks?



We try very hard to be good parents. We provide a healthy, loving environment where a child would/should grow and thrive. We always strive to appropriately discipline our children (2.5 and 4.5), and teach them to be respectful of themselves and others. We are disciplined, but we are loving. They are the center of our world, and we SO try to let them know how much we love them every day!

Yet every day lately it's the same old frustrating challenge....namely, to keep our cool in the face of two very challenging/trying toddlers!! My 4 year old is an emotional roller coaster lately - to the point where I frequently wonder if she is bipolar. The 2 year old has recently learned how to push our buttons and test the limits as well as the 4 year old does. We start our days with constant fighting, complaining, whining, bickering and it is draining!!! I actually look forward to sending them to daycare/preschool some days (they go part-time while I work 20 hours/week...I work for the insurance, but it's probably more important that I work for the sake of my sanity!), just to get away from the madness!!! (I can't tell you how sad it makes me to feel that way...I'm embarassed to say it, but it's simply the truth )

I just do not know what we are doing wrong. I don't know how to make things better. But I do know that mommy has reached the end of her rope.

Hoping someone can offer some advice, or at the very least let me know that I am not alone!!!!

p.s. Please know that this is coming from a mommy that absolutely adores her children. They are my life. My absolute loves. I just want them to be happy and feel loved....

 

[Pungodingy]

you're not alone...but it doesn't get better as they get older, dont let anyone tell you differently!

 

[brymolmom]

What have you been using for discipline? I find that sometimes a new twist on the discipline technique helps out for awhile. If you've been using time-out - maybe try a chart or jar where they get 'three strikes - you're out' type thing. If they fill the jar or get too many check marks on the chart - you take away a favorite TV show, dessert, computer time, outside time, playdates, whatever will 'get' to them.

I think we've all been where you are. Just try to look at it a little different.

 

[ekball]

What have you been using for discipline? I find that sometimes a new twist on the discipline technique helps out for awhile. If you've been using time-out - maybe try a chart or jar where they get 'three strikes - you're out' type thing. If they fill the jar or get too many check marks on the chart - you take away a favorite TV show, dessert, computer time, outside time, playdates, whatever will 'get' to them.

I think we've all been where you are. Just try to look at it a little different.

Yes, I think this is a good idea and was thinking about alternative options this morning. We use the '1,2,3 Magic' technique "that's 1, that's 2, that's 3, time out". Hasn't been working lately. I was thinking about trying a chart for good behavior to change things up a little bit.

I think part of the problem too is that we are just SOOOOO ready for Spring and nice weather! We live in CT and the kids are just so ready to get outside and play! We've ventured out when the weather has been decent, but not enough to make them happy. We need warm, dry weather to they can play and run!!!

Thanks for your suggestions.

What I didn't really want to hear was that it only gets worse.... (seriously - were you trying to push me over the edge?! )

 

[wildfan1473]

Oh, my, I could have written that post this morning!

The 2 boys have been bickering all week, and I can't go more than 90 seconds, it seems, without someone clinging to me or wanting something from me. DH travels alot for work and has been gone alot this week, and I stay home with the boys. We live too far out in the sticks to put the kids in daycare, and we really don't have the money for it anyway, but it would be so nice to have that break once in a while!

I feel like I have been yelling my head off all week, and nothing works. Our older son does have mental health issues, and that does make it harder. I so look forward to September when they are finally both in school. Our almost-4year old is also testing limits unbelievably and has mood swings you wouldn't believe, but I do feel that it is just his age, and hopefully it will end soon.

OP, you are by far not alone. My boys are my world, and I would go to the ends of the earth for them (and in ways, we have, but that is a whole different story). Sometimes I just have to put myself in timeout, or swallow my pride and ask someone else to take them for a few hours before I really blow. They really are the sweetest boys, and always tell me I'm a good mommy when they know I'm really not trying to yell but do anyway .

 

[dsnymomof4]

Oh gosh - you are definitely not alone! It bad when you feel like you're the worse Mom in the world - its even worse when your child tells you you're the worse Mom in the world. DD9 says that frequently when she doesn't get her way. It is very hard when your children don't listen or respect you at times. My advice would be to be patient - they are young. Just continue to give them lots of love and positive attention. I know it is very frustrating when the kids fight and tease each other - my 3 girls are constantly going at each other - but it's the times when they play nicely together, or get excited about going to Disney together, that make it so rewarding. So, hang in there - you have to take the bad with the good!

 

[JacobsMommy11002]

I think part of the problem too is that we are just SOOOOO ready for Spring and nice weather! We live in CT and the kids are just so ready to get outside and play! We've ventured out when the weather has been decent, but not enough to make them happy. We need warm, dry weather to they can play and run!!!
)

First of all Life has been similar here lately, and I do believe the weather is a factor. We are in Maine, so it is similar. My DS who is 6 has been getting in trouble at school, too I posted a very similar post a few days ago. We are finding rewards to be very helpful. If they do something good...anything...even if it sitting nicely for a second...praise them. We have a reward jar. I have a huge tin of old buttons, and whenever I catch DS behaving, he gets to put some buttons in his jar. I took a sharpier and drew a line around the jar at three different levels. Each time he reaches one, he gets to pick a reward out of a bag (fly a kite with Dad, extra book with mom. etc). He loves it, and it has been really effective.

BTW, as for the bipolar thing, we call my DD4 Sybil behind her back The kid is just brutual! She has the personality of a 13 year old girl. Nothing I do is right, she can be a real b****. But at other times, she is the sweetest, most cuddly thing in the world And its all at the drop of a hat, I can't predict it. But, even Sybil is improving as she learns what she can and can not get away wit!

We are here for you. It does get better...and worse...and better....and worse. Its just a cycle, and you learn to roll with it!

 

[aidansmom]

You are definitely not alone - we have all felt this way, probably a LOT more than any of us would like to admit.

I find that sometimes what works for me is to escape for a couple of minutes (I've been known to hide in the pantry ) and think of something that the kids would love to do, and that will make me feel like a "good" mommy again (i.e. an art project, a game, baking). Take a few minutes to catch your breath and make a plan and then try to have fun.

This usually helps to restore my sanity, calm my kids down, and in general make me feel a lot better about things. It probably sounds silly, but I think it usually helps.

Good luck and go easy on yourself - you're definitely not alone and it's very obvious that you love your kids a lot.

 

[mybabesuz]

There must be something in the air today...
I am absolutely FRAZZLED to the max.
DD just turned 2 and DS just turned 3
I feel like ALL I do is yell from the moment we wake up
until the moment they go to sleep.
I Hate myself for it.
The two year old is obsessed with going potty.
Since her brother is all trained she wants to be too.
Everytime he has to go, She SCREAMs NO I HAVE TO GO POTTY...
And then there is one huge battle. I have two little potties but they
both have to use the big one. The she insists on trying to
go standing up like her brother and Pees on her feet.
I finally get her dressed and 5 minutes later she insists
she has to go again and undresses herself and we start over.
Or she refuses to put a diaper or pullup on and wets herself.
Then there is a constant battle over toys.
They always want what the other one has.
I try to keep them busy. But the two year old eats everything...
Playdough... Crayons... Paint... Paper....
They are constantly getting into all my stuff.
I have no place to hide anything.
They can open all the cabinet latches.
They get chairs to climb on the counter.
They climb over gates....
I feel like they are terrorizing me.
I can't find a job that pays enough to even cover daycare.
I just need a break...
Suzanne

 

[cjstarr]

Trust me you are not doing anything wrong!!! We have three, DD18 ( Heaven Help Me--DH) DS14 & DS4. If DD18 isn't at DS14 then DS14 is at DS4 or DS4 is at DS14 & DS14 is at DD18 it's a never ending battle and this goes on all day long when they are all here and not at school. DW and I are always in the middle of it.
So cheer up you're not alone!!!

 

[ekball]

Thank you all for the replies! I REALLY appreciate all of your feedback and support. I have been venting a lot today...on the boards, to my SIL, and to my best friend. And through all of it I have realized that I'm not alone and that the issues we are having are pretty typical at these ages. I've come to the conclusion that we are in the middle of "the perfect storm"....challenging ages, cabin fever after a long winter, and my DD starting asthma meds 3.5 weeks ago that I *think* are playing a part in her behavioral issues lately. Just being able to vent and commiserate has been VERY helpful!

And I took some of your suggestions and have finally carved out some 'mommy time'...I signed up for a yoga class once/week at our local community center. I don't even know if I like yoga! But I'm doing it anyway - mommy needs some quiet time and something to help the stress levels. Fortunately it worked out the class meets on a night that I can go once the kiddos are in bed. Let's hope that helps bring a little peace and serenity.

My last plan of attack is to start a reward system like some of you suggested. We try to focus on the positive in our kids, but we probably could use an extra dose or two of positive reinforcement. Fingers crossed that it helps.

Thanks again for all of your replies. I can't tell you how much it has helped. Really.

 

[roxannex]

Oh my gosh. I love my two year old son so much it hurts. But I also love preschool! He really likes it, but I love it! It's hard to be with little ones all the time, and I only have one. Two would be twice as hard.

I wish I could help with the discipline stuff. My son is just starting to get a bit of an attitude. I say, "No 'tude allowed!"

Anyway, don't feel bad. It's hard! I think the bad stuff comes in stages. I've noticed things seem to run smootly for a few months and then there will be a bad month.

 

[mom2aiden]

Yes, you're not alone! I have a DS3, who I absolutely adore, but I do feel like some days all I do is yell at him. I do find that it helps to take a little time out myself (like a PP suggested) and then try to think of something fun we can do. I usually find that he just has too much energy and gets bored easily. Then that's when he gets in trouble.

Luckily, it's getting warmer here, so I can take him to the playground or something. We also have an indoor playground place where you pay $6 and you can stay as long as you want. This is a lifesaver on cold days.

Hang in there, you're doing a great job with your little ones and it sounds like they enjoy telling you so .

 

[wildfan1473]

I signed up for a yoga class once/week at our local community center. I don't even know if I like yoga! But I'm doing it anyway - mommy needs some quiet time and something to help the stress levels.

I LOVE yoga! I finally signed up about a month ago, and it is an hour and 15 minutes a week of pure bliss! Granted, it is the relaxation class, nothing too strenuous, but it is fantastic!

 

[Mickeyherewecome123]

Oh boy rest assure you are not alone. My twin boys are 4 1/2 and they are bickering and arguing more time than not over the past couple of weeks. My one little guy is constantly saying poopoo or peepee, just to be a brat (I hate to say it).

I have noticed that the 1..2...3 magic is very frusterating to one of my boys, but that form of discipline works very well for his twin brother. So I have to agree with the pp maybe try another form of disipline.

Try to take a breather, if you can, take a night and go out by yourself or with your girlfriends.

Fran

 

[Mom2JPL]

I feel your pain . I'm home with 3 little ones, dd4.5, ds3 and dd18 months. Thank goodness my older two go to pre-nursery and nursery school a few days a week (even though it's only for 2.5 hours a day, it's a lifesaver!). I know that I feel like the worse mother in the world when I start my screaming...not yelling...screaming! They just know how to push my buttons, especially my son (3). He's just trying to test his boundaries , I know this, but it's so difficult sometimes. Then there are the days when they are angels or as close to it as they can achieve! I have to say though, they do behave well in public (which makes me feel that at least I'm doing something right!).

I have started doing a reward chart with them - they get a sticker whenever they help mommy - make their bed, clean up their playroom, for my son he gets one for going on the potty - and after achieving 20 stickers they get a Disney Dollar - which they can use now or save for our trip in Nov. I also posted a list of house rules in the living room (next to their reward chart), and if they go against one of the rules, not only do they go to the naughty spot (which they can't stand to be at), after 3 instances of the same behavior, they get a Disney Dollar taken away. It seems to be working...I can't wait for nicer weather and I can get these kids outside to get rid of some of their energy! And with only one of my kids taking naps, it's a LOOOOONNNGG day.

Sorry for rambling on...you just stated how I feel and I went with it. Thanks for letting me vent too!

 

[Gillian]

Things that help:
-mom time
-mom & dad time
-finding local friends who are in the same situation (maybe momsclub.org if there is a chapter in your town).
-joining a gym with daytime babysitting
-and really, preschool can be a good thing! Are they already in one? Maybe a co-op program would be good so you could still be involved at times.

 

[5 for WDW]

Nope, as you see you are not alone!!

My three kids are the loves of my life. I just adore them but, they are certainly trying at moments..heck, most of the time!!

My two boys are 10 and 8. They literally get along when they are sleeping. That is it. They have completely different personalities and get on each others nerves all day. But....they are saints in school. Which of course you want them to be. They are home for 11 days right now for Spring Break. Most days have been good but, we are in the house all day today because the weather is nasty so, it as been never ending arguing. They get sent to their room, they get things taken away. Both work at the time then they find something else to bicker about. Usually, I just let them figure out an outcome since they are old enough to.

My daughter is 4. Of course, the baby of the family. She gets along wonderfully with my oldest. They never argue. But..her and my middle son are another story completely. They are exactly alike and annoy each other to no end. Usually separating them works.

I gave up on yelling a couple of years ago. It never worked. Now, I just get on their eye level and very calmly tell them what they are doing wrong and that it has to stop. Then...they are sent to their room, etc. Believe it or not, it works!! My husband is a yeller and can not understand why I get them to listen better then he does.

We are all human. I am big enough to admit my two dogs listen to me better then my kids. But, they know they are loved. They know I would do anything for them. They also know there are consequences for their behavior. They also know that Mom and Dad are human and we have bad days just like they do.

They also know that when Mom is locked in her bedroom reading a book or sitting out on the porch with a cup of tea that it is not the best time to tell me that their brother walked in front of the tv when he was trying to play the Wii...lol.

Best of luck...I know it is the best job in the world but, I know it can be a tough one too!!

 

[thewesterberg]

to you!

Isn't it reassuring to read these posts and realize you're not alone??? I know I sure did! Our DS4 has been all over the place emotionally lately, bed times are a nightmare, etc. My sister called yesterday to see if he could come over today and spend the night with her... uh, yeah and no need to hurry about bringing him back! I love the little guy, but not having a bed time battle with him tonight sounds simply divine! Instead, dinner out with DH and friends and a quiet, battle free zone at home tonight!

 

[SharpMomOfTwo]

This is just what I needed to read after today! I have a DD 18 months and DD3. My 18 month old is such a sweet little girl, always giving hugs and kisses, always trying to help out, such a great little baby.... I know its just a matter of time till she turns into HELL BABY aka her older sister! DD3 just... pushes my buttons all day long. She is constantly asking for anything and everything. Shes always hungry, always has to go potty, always needs me to put her Barbie watch on, always needs me to take it off 30 seconds later, she always asks - whines - to watch shows that she KNOWS aren't on at that moment.... I'm pretty sure its out of bordom, but if it doesn't stop soon I'm gona go nuts!!!! For example, DD3 has been asking for days to have rice for dinner - so I finally made it tonight, she takes one look at it, and throws a fit saying that she doesn't want it! She wouldn't even take a bite to see if she liked it!!! It was just the cherry on the pie that is my day!
So anyway, your not alone, just try not to do any major physical or mental damage to them, and you'll be OK.... take the good moments with the bad!