Defending child

[playwright]

Speaking of meltdowns, I had my own two days ago. We were at a "family" party (9 year old bday) and a child's toy was accidentally broken. SIL immediately blamed my DS. She called out my DH's name, said that DS broke it and "how old is he?" (Biologically, he's 14 but he is not as advanced as the "average" teen his age.) Turns out that - according to both BIL and DS accounts, so I know DS is telling the truth - another child accidentally tripped over it and broke it. DS was trying to fix it when SIL walked in and assumed DS was guilty. I said that the reason DS was being blamed was because he was learning disabled. (I just blurted it out, DS was not in the room when I said it.) I said what a nice kid he was, that he wouldn't do anything to hurt anyone. She didn't answer back, just ignored me. Then, DS goes up to SIL and apologizes for what happened. SIL has constantly insulted my family and made us feel unwelcome, this wasn't the first incident. The only reason I go to these parties is so my kids can socialize with their cousins. I don't want the cousins to feel that we have anything against them when we have issues with the adults. I am not saying DS is a perfect angel 24/7. But he is a nice kid, very quiet. He has never been in trouble at school - the teachers have very positive things to say about him - and he is mainstreamed with NT kids. He is not disruptive. I don't think that he even knows how to be mean to anybody. I don't let him run around unsupervised, especially in someone else's home. I was in the bathroom when this happened. Now I feel guilty that I should have kept a closer eye on him, but I was gone for what, 5 minutes? I felt badly that I snapped at my SIL but she has made many snarky comments and this was the first time that I ever retaliated. I just couldn't take it anymore. (And yes, I was sober.) I maybe shouldn't have said that she thought he was guilty because he was the LD one, but I don't have another explanation for the fact that she has always shunned him. If DS had caused problems in the past, breaking things, playing rough, whatever, I could see where she would think he was guilty. But he has always been well-behaved. And I'm one of the few parents at the parties who watches not only my own kids, but everyone else's kids. And some parents at these parties don't watch the kids at all, or just drop them off while they go out to dinner, or whatever. And DS went to the party, trying to do a nice thing by helping his cousin celebrate her birthday. He could have "blown it off" like his NT cousin the same age did because he thought it would be "boring". All the relatives are going on another vacation next week and of course we were the only family that wasn't invited, as always. I mentioned this to DH and he said why would you want to go anyway since you and SIL don't like each other. Another issue is that one of the NT cousins (13) makes fun of DS, saying he was "left back" in school (he wasn't), "what's wrong with him", making fun of the fact that he has trouble concentrating and speaking, had a hard time learning to ride a bike, etc. She always seems to say these things while her parents are out of earshot, but I have heard them make negative remarks about LD kids so I don't think they would tell her that it's "not nice". I really want to "divorce" these relatives, but when you marry your DH you marry his family as well. I don't want to go to any more family parties, I can't stop DH from going with the kids. I'm sorry that I rambled and vented on and on and but I figured this was the place to vent. (Oh, I saw two psychiatrists, they just told me to take a little yellow pill.) I am happy that DS can walk and talk and is in many respects healthy, believe me. Thanks for listening to me complain and if you can offer us any advice or support, it would be appreciated. Thanks and hugs to everyone here and your families.

 

[shoegirl1020]

I feel your pain. I used to let my ex-husband take the kids alone. That way the kids got to visit the family and I got some peace.

 

[Popsicle]

Dear playwright:

My heart was hurting and my mind was fuming over your post. I don't have children, but I do have nephews, nieces, neighbors' children.... This woman is a piece of work.

I have some extended family I love, and some with whom I'm only cordial because of an accident of birth. This woman will NEVER treat your precious son the way he needs to be, the way ANY child needs to be..... with love.

Maybe it's fear on her part, maybe she's just a really deep down evil person, but you and your family should find "family" outside the gene pool. I know what it is to want to be with and know and love family, but sometimes they won't let you.

To be excluded from family trips, for your son to be treated so shabbily by "family" is not something HE should have to endure.

I can only hope that you have a circle of friends who can be the aunts, uncles, cousins your precious boy needs, because they love him without the blood ties, and sometimes those ties are stronger than that provided through genetics.

My love to you and yours.

 

[LisaBi]

I feel your pain! In my family, it's my OWN side of the family. My cousin is the worst - she won't come to gatherings my son is at (age 13, has Down Syndrome). She doesn't want her 1 and 4 year olds around him. Talk about someone needing a little enlightenment!

My sibs are OK, but thier kids (all about the same age as DS, within a few years either way) take great joy in putting him up to things they know he shouldn't do or making fun of him.

Lisa

 

[Annam26]

Boy this brings back some memories for me.

I haven't been able to walk since I was 10 yrs old. I have some cousins who later on started to invite kids for sleepovers. It seemed that every cousin, friend, neighbour, relative, aquaitance was invited (I'm exagerating a bit, but you get my drift). Seeing that I asked my mom if she'd let me go when invited. She said, of course! So I waited, and waited, and waited to be invited....the invitation never came. My cousins even invited my sister to spend the night one Chrismas Eve with me sitting right next to her. I felt like I was some kind of repulsive thing, but of course, I hid how hurt I was.

Let me add that even though I can't walk, I did and do take care of my needs -eat, dress, go to the bathroom, etc, by myself without any help so that wasn't an issue- not that it should matter that much if it's family and they love you, right?

This is just one intance of many in which not only me, but the rest of my immediate family was shunned by them. My uncle was a sweetheart, but my aunt was anything but....her nices and nephews could destroy the house, but were always welcomed with open arms. We were people visiting, at best.

Years later we moved far, far away from these people, and it did me a world of good.

I have no advice really, just a big , to let you know that you are not alone, and yes, get this off of my chest after all these years....

 

[playwright]

Hi everyone,
Thanks - you made me feel a lot better - hugs.

 

[Napria]

Wow Playwright, that really gets my Irish up! And I just posted in another thread that people are much more tolerant of disabilities these days!

Personally, I would "divorce" dh's family (but not dh) if I were in the same situation, but not before giving them all a good piece of my mind, starting with the fact that I'd rather have an obvious disability like LD than a not so obvious one like lack of common compassion for others, and that it's just by God's good grace that she and hers haven't had to deal with the daily pain of something more disabling... YET. What goes around comes around.

Big hugs to you.

 

[Hedy]

I'd avoid these relatives, but tell them why.
Re the cousin, I'd say something to the kid, in front of the parents. A good embarrassment of all of them may be in the cards.

Family may be an accident, but it needn't be fatal.

 

[irishbosoxfan]

OP I am so sorry that you and your son have to go thru this! I am big on defending my kids and you did nothing wrong! Had it been me I would have taken it a bit further so she was lucky it was you standing there!
Is the rest of the family similar to her in that aspect?
Your DS does not need to be someplace he will not be fully welcomed--This will only make him feel like less than he is and he does not deserve that!
I would make a list of family that feels like it is ok to demean your DS and let your DH know that these people are not welcome in your home and that neither you or DS will be going anywhere they may be.
Let DH know you fully intend to let these people know what they have done and unless they are willing to be more accepting then you and DS will not be around them because of the hurt and harm they are creating.
I wouldn't even let my DH take my child somewhere they are not welcome just to keep the peace it is not fair to make a child go thru that just to show them their behavior doesn't affect him or you.
I wish you the best and hope the "family" can learn quickly what they are doing to a child!

 

[Kay1]

If you decide to stick with the family and go to these parties and get togethers, I think you hold SIL accountable for her shameful behavior. If you let her get away with this, it won't stop.

I would confront her, quietly but directly, everytime she acted out, and tell her that her behavior is not acceptable. She may push back, but eventually she'll realize there's a price for her rudeness and that you're no longer going to ignore low blows. There's no excuse for what she did. Sometimes toys are accidently broken, or dishes, or glasses, or whatever. Her role was to make the child who broke the toy feel better, not worse.