Dear Abby today

[Chuck S]

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I received an invitation from a family member to attend their daughter "Heidi's" wedding on Father's Day weekend. We canceled our existing plans in order to attend, and gave "Heidi and Dave" an appropriate gift. As the ceremony progressed, the minister asked, "Do you, Steve, take Heidi" ... at which point the guests began whispering to themselves, "STEVE?"
We were embarrassed, thinking we had made a horrible mistake in addressing the gift card -- and we weren't the only ones. Finally, after much discussion among the guests, someone approached the bride's mother to ask if we had made a mistake. "Oh, no," she replied. "Dave backed out two weeks ago. Heidi asked Steve if he would marry her, and he said he wasn't doing anything else this weekend, so why not?"

I was flabbergasted. Predictably, in less than three weeks, this sham of a marriage was over. Heidi, of course, retained all the gifts.

My wife says it's no big deal. I say the bride's parents should have called the guests and explained the circumstances so they could make an informed decision about attending. I was also raised to believe that in cases such as this, where the commitment to marriage was so obviously missing, that the gifts should be returned. Am I wrong? This has caused a rift in the family. -- JILTED GUEST

Tell me more about this "Sanctity of Marriage" thing, please. Honestly, this is what you're defending?

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

Tell me more about this "Sanctity of Marriage" thing, please. Honestly, this is what you're defending?

I get a chuckle when anyone defends the "sanctity of marriage".

If one is so concerned about marriage, why not ban divorce?
Make it a crime to commit adultery, etc.

 

[rie'smom]

Tell me more about this "Sanctity of Marriage" thing, please. Honestly, this is what you're defending?

Dear Abby = The Star or The Globe or the LA Times.

 

[Aisling]

What did Abby say?

 

[mickeysgal]

I get a chuckle when anyone defends the "sanctity of marriage".

If one is so concerned about marriage, why not ban divorce?
Make it a crime to commit adultery, etc.

It's way too easy to get married. Make getting married just as difficult a process as getting divorced, and I'd bet you'd see marriages that were a bit more rock solid than what we see today.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

Sorry but this would tick me off too. DH and I have a couple friends who got married and less then 6 months later were divorced, then 1 year later are inviting us to their 2nd wedding. Yea, I know just don't go, but sorry IMOP, 2nd marriages should be "family only".

DH said, you know we get penalized for staying married, maybe we should have a big party just for staying married, we could use some extra money, new towels and new pots and pans.

And at times I tend to agree.

 

[OrlandoMike]

It was between two people of the opposite sex, so in the eyes of some, it's all good!


Now had it been between two people who have been in a commited relationship for years, but happen to be of the same sex.....

 

[Chuck S]

What did Abby say?

Abby's response:

DEAR GUEST: It appears that Heidi and her parents became so involved in the details of the "production" that they forgot the real meaning of the wedding celebration -- the joining of two people together in a lifetime commitment to each other. Frankly, I am shocked and disappointed that a minister would go along with such a farce, much less "bless" it. (Could the clergyman also have been a stand-in for the real thing?)

Yes, the wedding should have been called off when the groom backed out. Yes, the guests should have been notified. Yes, any unopened or unused gifts should have been promptly returned. And no, you're not wrong.

However, Abby's response does not address that this sham marriage is perfectly legal, and recognized by all US states, just like Britney's 17 hour long Las Vegas "fun" wedding. Yet I know of same sex couples who could be celebrating their silver anniversary, but are denied the benefits of marriage.

 

[Took]

What did Abby say?

I just saw the response. Abby supports the husband's position entirely--wedding should have been called off, presents returned (if unopened or unused), etc.

Abby thinks the daughter/parents got "caught up in the production" of the wedding and forgot about it's true significance. I say they must have been generally classless types to begin with. Abby also questioned the intentions of the minister who performed the ceremony. I know the clergyman who married me and DH would never have gone along with this.

 

[beckmrk04]

I get so annoyed when I hear "the sanctity of marriage." Straight folks have been ruining it for decades. (Maybe some people are worried that gay people will be better at it? )

I agree- it should be harder to get married. There should be a little more legwork involved. And I'm not talking about the wedding day (which seems to be a big reason people get married anymore).

Waiting periods, some sort of pre-marital counseling, something making it not *hard* but at least a little more of a process to get married. Maybe people wouldn't take it so lightly then.

Of course, there are legitimate reasons to get divorced, but I think a lot of people don't know what they are getting into in the first place.

 

[rie'smom]

I get so annoyed when I hear "the sanctity of marriage." Straight folks have been ruining it for decades. (Maybe some people are worried that gay people will be better at it? )

I agree- it should be harder to get married. There should be a little more legwork involved. And I'm not talking about the wedding day (which seems to be a big reason people get married anymore).

Waiting periods, some sort of pre-marital counseling, something making it not *hard* but at least a little more of a process to get married. Maybe people wouldn't take it so lightly then.

Of course, there are legitimate reasons to get divorced, but I think a lot of people don't know what they are getting into in the first place.

The Catholic Church makes you jump through hoops. You have to go through Pre Cana which is a series of meetings which discuss the different aspects of marriage. There are forms that both the prospective bride and groom fill out. Those are analyzed for compatibility. There have been several instances that I know of where priests have said that couples have to go through counseling before they can marry or the priest has told couples they are too immature to take on the responsibilities of marriage and a family.

I don't know if all priests are this way but at least they take the Sacrament seriously in our area. BTW, a few of the couples were married outside of the Church and they did end up divorced. There, of course, have also been couples who were married in the Church and have been divorced too but at least marriages aren't rubber stamped.

 

[c4a]

Whoa. Sanctity of marriage has nothing to do with the sexual preferences of those getting married. It has to do with the promise made before loved ones, and God (sanctity=to sanctify; to make holy) So, in one fell swoop you have managed to insult straights and those who believe it is a holy promise. Smooth. Do you not realize that there are gays who see & believe in the sanctity of marriage, also?

Did the people in this example get it wrong? Yes. Does it have anything what so ever to do with gay weddings vs. straight weddings? No. It is about a moronic bride and her equally moronic parents being more impressed with the idea of a wedding than the realities of a marriage. It has more to do with the decline of our society into a cess pool of materialism than it does gay rights.

Is it too easy to get married? For some, yes. They simply go down to a courthouse/city official, buy a license, and find someone to marry them. For others, no (be they gay or straight). Many who are married in their churches must go through pre-marital classes and counseling that lasts 6 months to a year before the minister/priest will agree to marry them.

As for illegal...well, you can thank the ACLU for it no longer being considered a sin, adultry no longer being one of the few grounds for divorce & it be changed to "no grounds". They won the battle (court case?). People can't have it both ways. There were tighter restrictions...wasn't happy with that. Now, not happy with less retrictions.

Don't know what the answer is.

 

[OrlandoMike]

The Catholic Church makes you jump through hoops.

I've known plenty of Catholic girls who got the "express wedding" when they were in the "family way"!

 

[Purseval]

Whoa. Sanctity of marriage has nothing to do with the sexual preferences of those getting married. It has to do with the promise made before loved ones, and God (sanctity=to sanctify; to make holy) So, in one fell swoop you have managed to insult straights and those who believe it is a holy promise. Smooth. Do you not realize that there are gays who see & believe in the sanctity of marriage, also?

Don't waste your time, you are dealing with some spoiled children who didn't get their way on some legislation now they take potshots at marriage every chance they get. They believe in tolerance as long as you tolerate the same things they do and the rule of law as long as the law rules in their favor. If you don't meet those conditions ths is what you get entertained with. Take it for what it's worth.

 

[Cheshire Figment]

About 12 years ago my best friend (we were each Best Man at the other's wedding, his about 40 years ago, mine 20 years ago) after much counseling had a sex change operation and is now female. The marriage still exists. And the resident state is California.

 

[Laura]

Don't waste your time, you are dealing with some spoiled children who didn't get their way on some legislation now they take potshots at marriage every chance they get. They believe in tolerance as long as you tolerate the same things they do and the rule of law as long as the law rules in their favor. If you don't meet those conditions ths is what you get entertained with. Take it for what it's worth.

Spoiled children? Gays are spoiled somehow? That's hilarious.

And as for me personally, I'm not tolerant of intolerance. So there.

I think gays should be free to screw up marriage just as much as we straight folks have.

 

[weregoingtodw]

Don't waste your time, you are dealing with some spoiled children who didn't get their way on some legislation now they take potshots at marriage every chance they get. They believe in tolerance as long as you tolerate the same things they do and the rule of law as long as the law rules in their favor. If you don't meet those conditions ths is what you get entertained with. Take it for what it's worth.

If you couldn't sincerely answer the question, why did you even bother replying? Look at some of the Muslim nations, with their radically strict rules, and let me know how you think their legislating morality is working out for them. How would it negatively impact you if gays were allowed to be married? And I ask that in all sincerity, even though I'm reasonably sure your answer will be more of the same nonsense.

I am a straight, married Christian who believes in the sanctity of marriage. I also believe in the separation of church & state. I want to worship in my own way, without someone legislating what I should believe. For those who choose to be married in the church, jump through whichever hoops you choose. But for those who don't wish for that, why not offer the same freedoms equally?

OP, I am very sorry that our country can't be more progressive in our collective thinking.

 

[bigolive9]

Don't waste your time, you are dealing with some spoiled children who didn't get their way on some legislation now they take potshots at marriage every chance they get.

Personally, I think this is uncalled for. I am a heterosexual, Christian married woman, and I believe that there are areas of my life that the government should not what I can or cannot do. To me, this includes who I decide to marry (remember when interracial marriages were illegal? how is this any different?), among other things that can be considered controversial.

The "sanctity of marriage" was brought up because that has become the conservative "logic" as to why gays should not be able to have legal marriages. As if somehow allowing people to marry those they love threatens the institution of marriage. No, people like Heidi in the Dear Abby, people who cheat on their spouses, or generally don't take their vows seriously are the threat to the institution of marriage. Those who are getting married for the right reasons believe in the "sanctity of marriage" and they are the ones who are going to take it seriously and fight for their marriage, whether they be gay or straight.

 

[WDWRocksMySocks]

Whoa. Sanctity of marriage has nothing to do with the sexual preferences of those getting married. It has to do with the promise made before loved ones, and God (sanctity=to sanctify; to make holy) So, in one fell swoop you have managed to insult straights and those who believe it is a holy promise. Smooth. Do you not realize that there are gays who see & believe in the sanctity of marriage, also?

Did the people in this example get it wrong? Yes. Does it have anything what so ever to do with gay weddings vs. straight weddings? No. It is about a moronic bride and her equally moronic parents being more impressed with the idea of a wedding than the realities of a marriage. It has more to do with the decline of our society into a cess pool of materialism than it does gay rights.

Is it too easy to get married? For some, yes. They simply go down to a courthouse/city official, buy a license, and find someone to marry them. For others, no (be they gay or straight). Many who are married in their churches must go through pre-marital classes and counseling that lasts 6 months to a year before the minister/priest will agree to marry them.

Don't know what the answer is.

ITA! I believe in the sanctity of marriage in the way that marriage is something special that people should hold a high degree of respect for. I personally don't care if it's between a heterosexual couple, or a homosexual couple. If two people love each other, and want to make that commitment to each other then so be it. However, people should take the marriage seriously and try to work on it before they simply just get a divorce b/c it was the easy way out. Yes, I believe that divorce is not a bad thing depending on the circumstances. Unfortunately, in this day and age it seems that a lot of couples are just not willing to work on making a marriage work.

 

[Aristomommy]

Tell me more about this "Sanctity of Marriage" thing, please. Honestly, this is what you're defending?

I'm sure this is what happens ALL the time

Please, this example makes marriage sound like a joke. Just because many jump into marriage quickly and just because there are many divorces, doesn't mean that this was the original intent of marriage.

People make a mockery out of how they raise their children, how they conduct themselves in their daily lives, their work ethic, the way they handle their finances etc. etc. Does this mean there are no people who attempt to do things the best they can? No. Same thing with marriage. The more common same sex unions or marriages become, there will be just as many examples of divorce and bad decisions. I wish people were required to complete pre marital counseling as well as counseling prior to divorce. It seems we need to begin to legislate common sense