Dealing with Relatives over the Holidays

[EthansMom]

Anyone want to share the grief they are getting from the relatives over holiday plans?

In my case, I made both Thanksgiving and Christmas Dinner for all of the in-laws last year. This year, I'm not doing the big Christmas Dinner for everyone. I just had minor surgery last week and took 4 days to recover and then the kids and I caught a nasty cold which we still have.

Since I didn't think I would feel like getting up and cleaning, shopping and cooking right after surgery, I told everyone that I wouldn't be doing a big Christmas Dinner this year. So why is it that I'm getting calls from all of the other women in the family asking, "What are we doing? What's the plan?"

We're talking about three able-bodied women, all who are financially stable and married and none of whom work away from home. How hard would it be for someone to invite us over for a change? I would be happy to bring food and drink to share for the meal.

Hey, I don't even mind if you don't want to cook Christmas dinner any more than I do. But, don't call here fishing for an invitation. I have no desire to spend the next three days cleaning my house and cooking food so that I can spend Christmas day working my butt off while everyone else has a jolly time and then spend the next day cleaning the house again.

You know, I hear about families where they have a great time getting together at the holidays. Everyone helps cook and clean and has a great time. That isn't DH's family. Whenever I invite all of the in-laws over, it is a loud, rowdy affair where most everyone else sits on their butts and tells stories while I cook, serve dinner, and clean. In short, a holiday with the in-laws over is no holiday for me.

I know I'll probably get guilted into hostessing everyone for Christmas next year. But this year, I'm calling in sick and tired.

 

[lillygator]

It seems holidays are more stressful than they should be....I love entertaining (well not after surgery - hope you are feeling well!) but my issue is WHO can come....I can't invite my father and my mother....my mother is snotty to the outlawz....I mean it xmas equals tummy ache for me!!! Too bad one of these women can't order up a few platters of something and invite everyone over!!


One of the main reasons I like having it at my house is that I don't have to cart my girls around town going to different places...I would rather enjoy them at home and if people want to come to us fine, we'll host!

 

[diznygirl]

My DH's mother and aunt used to actually fight over who got to host the holiday dinners! They would buy all the food, start preparing things, and THEN call people to invite them. That's when the arguing usually began, "But I already....." Every year.

I hope you get your nice quiet Christmas this year.

 

[florida-again]

I've only had one hiccup this year. BF's mother likes him to be at home for xmas and my mother complained because we invited him to ours but he couldn't come. She was complining 'he is an adult, he should be allowed to do whatever he wants, not have to do what his mother says'.
THIS YEAR, I was invited to his house for christmas and my mother complained that she didn't want me to go!
I was like 'woah, you can't be a hypocrite! Why is it wrong for BF's mother to stop him going out but right for you to stop me???!!!?'.

We didn't row about it too bad, it was just a lighthearted chat before we settled it.

But it did make me see what I've got to look forward to in future christmases when BF and I live together or....get married and have a family! Oh joy.....

 

[powellrj]

my DMIL has never hosted a holiday in the 30 years I have known her. I have thanksgiving and christmas every year. When her mother was alive she had all the holidays and now that she is gone I am expected to have them. I work full-time, have 3 kids and I need a new knee (I now wear a brace until I have the surgery) so walking is very painful for me. I get really testy and angry around the holidays and this year I asked DH if we could charge a service fee for the meal since we pay for all the food and they never offer to bring anything. There were some years that we had them on christmas eve and I had to work that day and she STILL didn't offer to have us and called to see what time dinner was. Those were the years that I made crock-pot chili. We have a small house with only one bathroom so its not a pleasent place to be with 10-15 extra people. I have started including my parents too because why should they stay home alone even thought we have already had our holidays with them.

 

[SleepyMom]

We invited all of DH's family to our home this year for two reasons... 1) because it is the first year without MIL and thought a change would be nice and 2) because we have always had to travel to IL's place 2 1/2 hours away and thought it would be nice if one time they could come to us.

Well, SIL decided coming to our house would ruin her family's Christmas tradition so she never passed the invite along to DH's 2 single brothers and just told us that no one wanted to come to our house. I found out from one of the single brother's that he never got the invite, but would have come had he known. Another married brother never got back to us and gave us an answer until last Saturday (they will be driving through on their way to other IL's) and said yes they would come but had also made plans with his wife's family instead.

So DH decided we would just stay home and have a nice Christmas ourselves and then SIL who didn't want her tradition ruined calls and lays the famous guilt trip on me about coming there because we should all be together this year. Which is exactly why we invited them all here, so we could all be together this year!!!!!!! I give up.

 

[Stitchfans]

Funny this subject came up. I was just crying over it yesterday. I am so frustrated with my brother. I wish he would stand up to his wife just once. Too many times our side of the family is blown off because she wants to be with hers. I live 45 minutes from my brother and I see him once or twice a year if lucky. He lives 5 minutes from our dad and his wife. SIL and got into it on the phone last night cause she informed me once again our side won't be seeing them. Her entire family is in for a wedding (her neice) which is the day after Christmas.

I said why doesn't my brother and the kids just pop into dad's for a half an hour so we can all see each other, since she insisted she couldn't possibly leave her family. No way that is going to happen. She is so self centered and so controlling. Too many times they made a commitment to come to a birthday party or something for our side and at the last minute bow out cause someone from her side wanted them to come over.

I had a talk with my brother about all this and he agrees it is all wrong. He agrees he should speak up, but he doesn't. After all these you would think I would be used to it. No doubt if my mom was still alive things would be different. She didn't pull this nonsence that much when mom was here. Dad says he is too old and has problems of his own to deal with it. I know it hurts him too that this is happening.

There is nothing anyone can say or do I guess to change it. Thanks for listening everyone. Needed to vent and get it off my chest.

 

[OhMari]

Anyone want to share the grief they are getting from the relatives over holiday plans?

In my case, I made both Thanksgiving and Christmas Dinner for all of the in-laws last year. This year, I'm not doing the big Christmas Dinner for everyone. I just had minor surgery last week and took 4 days to recover and then the kids and I caught a nasty cold which we still have.

Since I didn't think I would feel like getting up and cleaning, shopping and cooking right after surgery, I told everyone that I wouldn't be doing a big Christmas Dinner this year. So why is it that I'm getting calls from all of the other women in the family asking, "What are we doing? What's the plan?"

We're talking about three able-bodied women, all who are financially stable and married and none of whom work away from home. How hard would it be for someone to invite us over for a change? I would be happy to bring food and drink to share for the meal.

Hey, I don't even mind if you don't want to cook Christmas dinner any more than I do. But, don't call here fishing for an invitation. I have no desire to spend the next three days cleaning my house and cooking food so that I can spend Christmas day working my butt off while everyone else has a jolly time and then spend the next day cleaning the house again.

You know, I hear about families where they have a great time getting together at the holidays. Everyone helps cook and clean and has a great time. That isn't DH's family. Whenever I invite all of the in-laws over, it is a loud, rowdy affair where most everyone else sits on their butts and tells stories while I cook, serve dinner, and clean. In short, a holiday with the in-laws over is no holiday for me.

I know I'll probably get guilted into hostessing everyone for Christmas next year. But this year, I'm calling in sick and tired.

You must be an excellent host. I think sometimes people just have no idea how much work there is. They probably grew up having their moms do all the work, so when they get together with your side of the family-they all just think it magically happens.

I hope you feel better and recover from your surgery. I am starting to get a cold-maybe I can use the same excuse this year.

 

[mickeyfan2]

So why is it that I'm getting calls from all of the other women in the family asking, "What are we doing? What's the plan?"

My reply would be. "We will be at your home at 1 p.m. to celebrate Christmas with you. We would like ...... for dinner. See you then. Got to go. Bye." and hang up the phone.

 

[EthansMom]

My reply would be. "We will be at your home at 1 p.m. to celebrate Christmas with you. We would like ...... for dinner. See you then. Got to go. Bye." and hang up the phone.

Unfortunately, they'd call back. In fact, our StepMIL has been calling back and forth between myself and my SIL, trying to get one of us to cave and have the big to-do.

As it is, I've invited FIL and StepMIL to dinner one night this weekend and MIL and StepFIL to dinner another night. Less work, noise and headache for me to have people over individually.

SIL and I have agreed to exchange gifts on Sunday evening after dinner since neither of us wanted to cook for everyone.

We all live in the same small town, so it isn't as if we never see each other...

 

[NMAmy]

Next time I see my sister and my mom, I'm giving them a big hug. All this stress--yuck.

We always have Christmas early with the family--this year it was on 12/10. My sister's kids are grown with kids of their own so they are even more divvied up at Christmas with their new in-laws. Doing it early lets us all get together without all the stress. DD is also going to her dad's for Christmas so we've had our immediate family Christmas already, too. My mom went to California to visit our other sister and won't be back till January--we'll do Christmas with her then.

I'm really glad no one in my family is insistent on having a get-together right on the actual holiday. We get together as it works with our schedules because we have a great time together. My sister and I rotate the holidays so neither of us has to do it all and Mom usually contributes a few food dishes. It's great.

Now I'm looking forward to a nice quiet Christmas--just DH and I. I hope you all enjoy your holiday as much as I plan to!

 

[Beth76]

We'll get grief from MIL no matter what we do. If it was up to me, we wouldn't go at all. As it is, we're driving four hours to see them on xmas day. Fortunately, we should miss the brunch with the whole family so we'll only have to deal with MIL and her husband. But, we'll still have to hear about how everyone missed us and we should have come earlier. No thank you.

 

[mickeyboat]

Oh, all the stress, all the pressure. More and more people dread the holidays, and I think this is why. Hope everyone has a great celebration, whatever it turns out to be.

Three years ago we decided to make our annual trip from VT to NC on Christmas afternoon to visit my family. DH's father celebrated Christmas morning at our house. We got caught in a HUGE snowstorm, sat in the car for 6 hours to drive 100 miles with an actively car sick child and two toddlers who had wet through their pull ups. We couldn't pull off the road because there was so much snow we were pushing it with the bumper of our minivan. I have never been so happy to see my driveway, even though we had to shovel it before we could pull in.

Anyway, we have decided since then we will not be traveling for Christmas. So the first year my mom and brother came up, and it was a very enjoyable time. Since then it has been just the four of us and FIL. My dad and his wife were going to come this year, but they forgot they told us that and made other plans. I won't even go there on this post.

FIL has always been with us Christmas morning, but we would really like to find a way to make it just the four of us. I doubt we ever would do that, because it would hurt his feelings too much, but it wouldn't bother me or DH if he visited one of his daughters for Christmas. When he is around he is the total center of the girls' attention. The person who really gets left out is DH, and it makes him pretty sad. It seems he is left out of every important situation in our lives with the kids because Papa is always there. We did put our foot down when he wanted to come to our parent teacher conferences.

Happy Holidays!

Denae

 

[jedi_librarian]

Oh, I have to share this one:

My MIL always does her "own thing" on the holidays. Even if we invite her over for Thanksgiving or Christmas, she'll still have her own turkey cooking at her house (she lives next door). I always think, why doesn't she just invite us over to HER place for once and take the work off of me one year?

Well, last Christmas, she asked us to come over on Christmas Day. I felt bad because I cancelled dinner with my Mom, but she insisted that DH needs to spend time with his mom, too, as he's always been closer to my family. So, she calls us, and says "I put the roast in the oven about an hour ago, come over at 7:00". Ok. We walk over to her house. We sit, talk, exchange presents. We're "waiting" and hungry! She finally says "So, what are your plans for Christmas Dinner? Are you doing anything special?" Um, WHA?

Needless to say, we left as soon as we politely could. I called my mom and asked if we could still come over. Luckily, she found the situation just as hilarious as we did and was able to feed us Christmas Dinner while we just sat there thinking "HUH??"

 

[can'twait]

Next time I see my sister and my mom, I'm giving them a big hug. All this stress--yuck.

We always have Christmas early with the family--this year it was on 12/10. My sister's kids are grown with kids of their own so they are even more divvied up at Christmas with their new in-laws. Doing it early lets us all get together without all the stress. DD is also going to her dad's for Christmas so we've had our immediate family Christmas already, too. My mom went to California to visit our other sister and won't be back till January--we'll do Christmas with her then.

I'm really glad no one in my family is insistent on having a get-together right on the actual holiday. We get together as it works with our schedules because we have a great time together. My sister and I rotate the holidays so neither of us has to do it all and Mom usually contributes a few food dishes. It's great.

Now I'm looking forward to a nice quiet Christmas--just DH and I. I hope you all enjoy your holiday as much as I plan to!

We are starting to do this too. It's just too much. We have 3 families to deal with. We go to DH's family - they are in the same town - on Christmas Eve and Day. I can't take the driving and traffic and kids who are tired from the late night on Christmas Eve, so we stay home. The last few years we had been hosting 2 separate parties for my two "sides" the weekend before, because the sides don't get along and even if they did our house isn't big enough. In an effort to decrease spending and stress, we decided not to do that this year, so I will see both sets of grandparents separately the week between Christmas and New Year's, but nobody else in the families. I suggested we all go to inlaws on Christmas but get together for Grandpa's Birthday in January, but that didn't go over well. Who's going to host it? Who's going to cook? Sheesh! Get a pizza, for all I care! Why does it have to be such a project and such a burden to see each other? I also eliminated some gifts. And if people don't call me during the year, I don't call them to get together at Christmas and I certainly don't buy them gifts. Enough is enough!

 

[EthansMom]

At least I'm not alone in getting stressed out by family at the holidays.

As much as I miss my family (3000 miles away), I'm kinda glad we don't also live near them at the holidays because then we'd have to juggle my Dad and StepM, my Mom and StepF, my Brother and SIL in addition to DH's Dad and StepM, DH's Mom and StepF, and DH's Brother and SIL. We would have to rent a convention hall just for Christmas dinner!

 

[Just2554]

I've only had one hiccup this year. BF's mother likes him to be at home for xmas and my mother complained because we invited him to ours but he couldn't come. She was complining 'he is an adult, he should be allowed to do whatever he wants, not have to do what his mother says'.
THIS YEAR, I was invited to his house for christmas and my mother complained that she didn't want me to go!
I was like 'woah, you can't be a hypocrite! Why is it wrong for BF's mother to stop him going out but right for you to stop me???!!!?'.

We didn't row about it too bad, it was just a lighthearted chat before we settled it.

But it did make me see what I've got to look forward to in future christmases when BF and I live together or....get married and have a family! Oh joy.....

Oh, I feel for you because I'm in about the same situation. BF's mother has serious control issues. She drags him to 6 dinners in two days! I just feel terrible for him and his nephew. His nephew is two years old and doesn't even get to open his gifts until the day after Christmas because they have so many dinners to go to and the poor kid falls asleep in the car on the way home every Christmas. I told my boyfriend he better break it off with me right this minute if he thinks my family is ever going to operate like that, with my children not getting to enjoy their Christmas because of a million dinners (3 of which are with the SAME family members).

 

[disykat]

Oh, I have to share this one:

My MIL always does her "own thing" on the holidays. Even if we invite her over for Thanksgiving or Christmas, she'll still have her own turkey cooking at her house (she lives next door). I always think, why doesn't she just invite us over to HER place for once and take the work off of me one year?

Well, last Christmas, she asked us to come over on Christmas Day. I felt bad because I cancelled dinner with my Mom, but she insisted that DH needs to spend time with his mom, too, as he's always been closer to my family. So, she calls us, and says "I put the roast in the oven about an hour ago, come over at 7:00". Ok. We walk over to her house. We sit, talk, exchange presents. We're "waiting" and hungry! She finally says "So, what are your plans for Christmas Dinner? Are you doing anything special?" Um, WHA?

Needless to say, we left as soon as we politely could. I called my mom and asked if we could still come over. Luckily, she found the situation just as hilarious as we did and was able to feed us Christmas Dinner while we just sat there thinking "HUH??"

That one takes the cake! Did she eat the roast by herself?

 

[Disney Doll]

I've only had one hiccup this year. BF's mother likes him to be at home for xmas and my mother complained because we invited him to ours but he couldn't come. She was complining 'he is an adult, he should be allowed to do whatever he wants, not have to do what his mother says'.
THIS YEAR, I was invited to his house for christmas and my mother complained that she didn't want me to go!
I was like 'woah, you can't be a hypocrite! Why is it wrong for BF's mother to stop him going out but right for you to stop me???!!!?'.

We didn't row about it too bad, it was just a lighthearted chat before we settled it.

But it did make me see what I've got to look forward to in future christmases when BF and I live together or....get married and have a family! Oh joy.....

Do what DH & I did...alternate holidays. If you do Thanksgiivng at his family, you do Christmas at yours, Easter at his, and so on. Make it clear to both mothers early on and it shouldn't be a problem. But you must stick to it!!!!!!! That is essential to the success of the plan.

 

[jedi_librarian]

I guess so! Her and my 20 year old BIL who hid in his room the entire time we were there.