Dealing With a Daughter's Breakup - WWYD?

[DVCLiz]

This time last year I was hosting my daughter's boyfriend and his family for the Thanksgiving weekend - they were our houseguests and we attended a social function together and had Thanksgiving.

Now he has broken up with my daughter - after dating for 4 years and giving every indication that they were committed to a future together, etc.

They are college graduates as of last year so they are both 22.

It has been devastating for my daughter but she is an amazing and resilient young woman and the man who ends up with her will be fortunate indeed.

Here's my issue - the boyfriend's mom and I had a relationship - based on the fact that our children were planning to be married and have our mutual grandchildren. (!) Our families were friendly and had spent time together over the 4 years they had been dating exclusively.

They live in another state so we won't be bumping into each other at the grocery store.

The mom would like to be friends and has asked through Facebook if we can still be friends. Part of me wants to say, "Not after your d-bag of a son broke my daughter's heart" but the more mature side of me pictures a possible reunion between the two and a future in which I regret saying some things. Even if they don't ever get back together, I am not sure I want to vent my spleen to her. We are friends on Facebook and there are lots of "tangles" that are sticky now that they have broken up.

Have you been in this situation before? What would you do? I feel weird chatting with her as though nothing has happened - I want to say SOMETHING - but I am not sure what that something really is.

Just looking for opinions...

 

[golfgal]

I know you feel bad for your DD but the mom isn't to blame and if you enjoyed her friendship, why not continue. Also, I would rather the boy broke up with my DD now then divorce later so look to it as a good thing vs a negative.

 

[PatsGirl]

Were you friends with her solely because of their relationship or did you enjoy your time with her and have other things in common? This would decide my answer.

FWIW, I would really try to think about the advantages of their splitting up before any engagement or marriage. If they dated for four years they became serious at 18? Didn't leave much time for exploring their options they were so young. Maybe they will get back together but maybe not, that is why it is often better if kids that age date around, to find their real soulmate.

 

[Miss Peach]

Hi--

I think the only opinion that really matters here is that of your daughter.

If you communicating to the former boyfriend's mother would make her unhappy, I would let that guide my decision.

When my son and his wife went their separate ways I was wondering what the relationship would be between my husband and myself and the soon to be former wife and her parents. I certainly didn't want to cause my son any addition pain in the situation by retaining a friendship with any of the people involved.

As it turned out, he was fine with whatever we wanted---BUT the soon to be former DIL put the kibosh on her parents having anything to do with us. So there you go!!

Cathy

 

[AKL_Megs]

My husband and I were HS sweethearts, but he broke my heart and broke up with me when we were in college. He wanted to see what else was out there, I guess.

He had been a big part of our family, and my parents considered him the "son they never had". My mom was MAD MAD MAD when he did this to me.

About two months later, he showed up at my bedroom window in the middle of the night. He had made a huge mistake, couldn't stop thinking of me, and couldn't even think about dating anyone else. He left a note on my windshield when I wouldn't come out to him that night (I still have it!)

Moral of the story, it took my mom about six months to warm back up to him, and it was rough for me.

Don't be surprised if he too shows up on your daughters doorstep. Sometimes guys chicken out before a big commitment like that, and come to their senses.

We've been together 11 years (minus those two months) and married 1 and a half years.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I would not share private info about my dd unless she approved it. I will be honest, I am not sure I could do it.

Personally, I would probably tell EXBF's mom that I would need to take a break from the relationship for now. And then tell her that if they get back together then we can resume a relationship again.

Since she is in another state it will be easy to let her go.

 

[MushyMushy]

I would say nothing about the breakup, and nothing negative about her son. People break up all the time and it just as easily could have been your daughter doing the breaking up. It's never pretty and it hurts the one who was dumped. If you're tempted to vent to her, then it might be a good idea not to be FB friends until you've gained some perspective.

I'm sorry for your daughter. And you too. It's not easy to lose someone you've grown to love. My son and his long-term girlfriend recently broke up and I'm still a little sad about it, so I know how you feel. Fortunately, her mother and I had pretty much agreed to stay out of their relationship, so we're still on friendly terms.

 

[disneyhand]

Sorry your family is going thru this, I know it's painful.

I had a boyfriend back in the day, from age 15 to 18 that our families became very friendly.

Once he broke my heart and we split up, I stayed somewhat in contact with his family for a while. I really liked them. That gradually tapered off, but they were special to me.

My Mom and his Mom stayed "friendly" over the years and still see each other once in a while. So I get the occasional update from Mom about the family.

Their friendship was not a problem for any of us. I'm sure my Mom never said a bad word about him to his Mom or talked about our relationship problems with her back then. This was way before Facebook of course!

Clearly that break up was a good thing looking back and we weren't meant to be together.

My advice to you is to stay friends with her since you like her, never say anything about him you could later regret or that is judgmental and see how things progress.

22 is still very young for a long term commitment and as hurtful as it is now, may be for the better. That's what I found out!

 

[Agri]

If you enjoyed your friendship with her and your daughter does not mind, I say go for it. No one wants to be held responsible for someone else's actions.

 

[C.Ann]

I would say nothing about the breakup, and nothing negative about her son. People break up all the time and it just as easily could have been your daughter doing the breaking up. It's never pretty and it hurts the one who was dumped. If you're tempted to vent to her, then it might be a good idea not to be FB friends until you've gained some perspective.

I'm sorry for your daughter. And you too. It's not easy to lose someone you've grown to love. My son and his long-term girlfriend recently broke up and I'm still a little sad about it, so I know how you feel. Fortunately, her mother and I had pretty much agreed to stay out of their relationship, so we're still on friendly terms.

If you enjoyed your friendship with her and your daughter does not mind, I say go for it. No one wants to be held responsible for someone else's actions.

I wouldn't blame a mother for her adult son's behavior.. Seems kind of silly to me.. Being upset with her son and hurting for your own DD is one thing - but the mom is not the one who broke up with your DD..

I would consider the advice in the 2 posts I quoted..

Who knows? They may get back together eventually..

 

[aprilgail2]

We've been together 11 years (minus those two months) and married 1 and a half years.

Wow he really must have been gun shy to take 10 years of dating to get married!!!!

 

[Scurvy]

This time last year I was hosting my daughter's boyfriend and his family for the Thanksgiving weekend - they were our houseguests and we attended a social function together and had Thanksgiving.

Now he has broken up with my daughter - after dating for 4 years and giving every indication that they were committed to a future together, etc.

They are college graduates as of last year so they are both 22.

It has been devastating for my daughter but she is an amazing and resilient young woman and the man who ends up with her will be fortunate indeed.

Here's my issue - the boyfriend's mom and I had a relationship - based on the fact that our children were planning to be married and have our mutual grandchildren. (!) Our families were friendly and had spent time together over the 4 years they had been dating exclusively.

They live in another state so we won't be bumping into each other at the grocery store.

The mom would like to be friends and has asked through Facebook if we can still be friends. Part of me wants to say, "Not after your d-bag of a son broke my daughter's heart" but the more mature side of me pictures a possible reunion between the two and a future in which I regret saying some things. Even if they don't ever get back together, I am not sure I want to vent my spleen to her. We are friends on Facebook and there are lots of "tangles" that are sticky now that they have broken up.

Have you been in this situation before? What would you do? I feel weird chatting with her as though nothing has happened - I want to say SOMETHING - but I am not sure what that something really is.

Just looking for opinions...

OP, if you like the woman and you can be friends while leaving your children out of the friendship, then I'd stay friends with her if I was in your shoes. If your friendship with her was based solely on your kids then I guess there's no point in maintaining it. And if you like her but can't leave the kids out of the relationship, then maybe take a break and let things cool off for a while before picking up the friendship again.

I do have to ask, though - did her son do something particularly bad, or is it just the fact that he broke up with your daughter that has you so angry at him? I know it hurts to see your child hurting, but if he wasn't sure he wanted to stay with your daughter then breaking up was the right thing for him to do. If he did something awful then I can definitely understand the temptation to vent to his mom, though of course that would be a very bad idea. I might have a harder time with the friendship after something like that - I'd have to back away for a while, at least until I stopped being angry on my child's behalf.

 

[AKL_Megs]

Wow he really must have been gun shy to take 10 years of dating to get married!!!!

Well, I don't know whether this is an insult or a joke!

But... Considering SIX of those years we were in high school and college, and the fact that we've been married 1.5 of those years... We were engaged for a long while, but we had personal goals we wanted to accomplish before we wed.

But thanks for your unnecessary $0.02

 

[Tiggeroo]

I would stay friends but not share any of your dd's personal info. This may mean adjusting the settings on your fb page if your dd's info shows up there. My daughter dated a young man from jr. year of hs until three months after she graduated from college. My dd is the one who did the breaking. He was heartbroken. I think she felt an engagement would be coming that Christmas and panicked. I considered it a real possibility that after some time dating other people they would end up back together. So I kept all things peaceful and tried very hard not to interfere. Now it is two years later and she is seriously dating one of the old bf's very good friends. He is dating somebody else. They are all very good friends.
What I have learned is to stay out of my children's dating life as much as possible. No matter how close you are they never tell you everything. There may be a reason for the break-up that is very personal that your dd does not want to share. And as most pp's have said, it is much better then a divorce with children.And 22 is young and they need many life experiences before they settle down. Kids just don't get married that young any more.

 

[pigletgirl]

My husband and I were HS sweethearts, but he broke my heart and broke up with me when we were in college. He wanted to see what else was out there, I guess.

He had been a big part of our family, and my parents considered him the "son they never had". My mom was MAD MAD MAD when he did this to me.

About two months later, he showed up at my bedroom window in the middle of the night. He had made a huge mistake, couldn't stop thinking of me, and couldn't even think about dating anyone else. He left a note on my windshield when I wouldn't come out to him that night (I still have it!)

Moral of the story, it took my mom about six months to warm back up to him, and it was rough for me.

Don't be surprised if he too shows up on your daughters doorstep. Sometimes guys chicken out before a big commitment like that, and come to their senses.

We've been together 11 years (minus those two months) and married 1 and a half years.

Our story is eerily similar to yours.

But anyways, as much as this guy may have hurt your daughter, you need to give him space. Let him figure out what he wants. You will know by his choices whether he is worth having around. And remember, he is a guy. They can be such idiots at times.

As for being friends with his mom on FB, I think it would be ok AS LONG AS you kept your daughter's relationship out of your friendship. If you can't, then don't be friends on FB.

 

[mumom95]

I don't think you need to end the friendship.

But honestly, I think the friendship will dwindle on it's own. They don't live around you so it isn't like you will be making an effort to see each other. You may stay in contact through facebook and email and over the phone, but with nothing to really cement the relationship, I doubt that it will stay strong for long.

But, since you say there is a chance for the two to get back together, I wouldn't do anything to cause a rift between the two sets of parents.

 

[shortbun]

Why not say, "sure, I wouldn't mind talking once in a while." Don't share anything about your daughter and keep it light. Wait, are you one of those people who shares any and all about your family on Facebook? If so, then you will have to unfriend her.

Not the same but one of my closest friends is the mother of my son's first 'girlfriend.' They were in 4th and 5th grade when they liked each other and they are 15 now. The only regret is that we don't feel we can vacation together because our kids might be creeped out, lol!

 

[DVCLiz]

Thanks, everyone - I sent her a friendly note back saying "of course we will still be friendly". I also said I was sad about the breakup and hadn't seen it coming but that I wished her son and her family the very best. Then I wished her a happy fall and winter and made a comment about something personal she had posted on FaceBook.

I thought that was the appropriate thing to do and my daughter said it was fine too, so that's how I handled it.

I don't want to get into the details because they are not mine to share and also because neither my daughter nor I really know them. The weeks leading up were normal and they continued to talk about and plan for their future. It came as a shock to her and to me (and to all of our friends who had thought of them as a couple for life.)

It's very sad and very hard to watch your daughter go through a breakup. I am sorry for any of you who have gone through it, too.

I am cursed with "do the right thing" disease so I always do the mature, responsible thing even when I feel like going outside and throwing plates at the brick wall - lol.

 

[Jennasis]

I have nothing nice to say about Facebook and how it's made things way more complicated BUT if you want to stay friends with her, go ahead, but perhaps limit what she can see?

 

[cm8]

Were you friends with her solely because of their relationship or did you enjoy your time with her and have other things in common? This would decide my answer.

FWIW, I would really try to think about the advantages of their splitting up before any engagement or marriage. If they dated for four years they became serious at 18? Didn't leave much time for exploring their options they were so young. Maybe they will get back together but maybe not, that is why it is often better if kids that age date around, to find their real soulmate.