DD8 and her tantrums... How do I stop them?

[raysnkaysmom]

My DD8 has always had a bit of a temper. When she was about 4, she got mad at her sister (who does instigate alot) and picked up the bike tire pump and hauled off and hit her...

Lately...aside from the 'this is impossible' and crying when it comes to homework, her thing lately has been STORMING up the stairs... screaming (not words....just screams) and slamming doors. This could all stem from "No, you can't go play cuz dinner is almost ready" to "Kaykay, clean up your room". THen, on occassion, there is the barely audible "I hate you" "Just kill me" and "I wish you were dead".. THOSE are what bother me... generally the hate ones are geared towards her older sister, but anytime I try to punish her, whether its a sit down talk, a time out, a spanking it turns into "Just kill me then"... I dont' get it.... I know she says things like that to get a reaction because we've all explained to her those are very big words that people don't say.

Is it middle child syndrome, stress, her anger issues... what? Sometimes..she can be the sweetest most loving child.. but it's these tantrums whenver something doesn't go her way... or her sister aggrivates her. I'm really at a loss on how to go about making this stop before she gets any older!!!

 

[mickeyboat]

It's the age. I generally ignore it. My feeling is that they are at a place where they are feeling more sohpisticated emotions but have not developed a method or a vocabulary to process and express them.

I also think they like to test their parents at this age - they want to get a rise out of us. They know when they say those kinds of things, they will get a reaction.

Your family has had a lot of changes recently. I wonder if your 8 year old is having some difficulty with them.

You are not alone, though.

My 9 year old does the "nobody likes me" thing.

DD8 has had spurts where she tells me she hates me. I actually got that to stop because I told her that when she says she hates me, I know she really means that she loves me. So I say "I love you, too."

Good luck to you.

Denae

 

[Jennasis]

Beatings...lots of them. I am only kidding of course.

I remember being a ruthlessly moody and sullen preteen. I channeled most of my angst with pouting and sulking. Mom said I had the best woe-is-me "slump" in the world. In fact, she grew so tired of seeing me slump when I didn't get my way or was frustrated that she finally yelled at me and said "I don't care how much you slump, just SLUMP HAPPILY!" That has become a creed in the house. Pout all you want, but you have to do it with a smile.

on to your situation. Maybe she does need to talk to somebody? She's young, but that doesn't mean there isn't a problem brewing. Could be all kinds of things (vision/hearing/learning disability...behvioral disability). Lotsof possibilities. I like to rule out the physical before ackling the mental.

 

[Serena]

It's a control thing. She acts a certain way, people react. Its something she can control, so she keeps doing it. Once you stop though, she will get worse, and start thinking you stopped caring. Make sure you don't stop showing you love her and care for her, but stop reacting to the temper tantrums. Write a list on the fridge of "if she does ____, ____ is the punishment." Keep your emotions out of it. Of course she loves you, she's just learning words and actions are powerful.

Tell her, you know, aren't you too old to be acting like you're 3? It's gotten boring.
Turn around and walk away. As long as she is not tearing anything up or hurting anyone.

 

[Sandy V.]

Hang in there!! You've been given good advice thus far. The one thing nobody mentioned is the door-slamming thing - that's one of my pet peeves. If your DD had her own room, that door would be taken off its hinges for awhile.

 

[lovesmurfs]

My DD9 had some similar issues when she was 7. When my husband deployed to Afghanistan for a year, I was afraid the whole year would be one tantrum after another, and I didn't know how I'd make it through.

We found a wonderful family counselor to help (we got a referral from our HMO PCP). He not only gave her "homework" assignments from week to week, but also gave me tips as well for how to deal with her behaviors. He devoted private time just with her to talk about "stuff", and it was just what she needed.

Now, the incidents occur much less frequently, and I'm able to handle it much better. She still asks to see him from time to time, but we're on an "as needed" basis.

Hang in there.

 

[lovesmurfs]

Hang in there!! You've been given good advice thus far. The one thing nobody mentioned is the door-slamming thing - that's one of my pet peeves. If your DD had her own room, that door would be taken off its hinges for awhile.

I make my kids come back out and close it again quietly (same with stomping up/down the stairs). Nothing is more deflating to a loud kid exit than to have to do it over again, quietly!

 

[Sandy V.]

I make my kids come back out and close it again quietly (same with stomping up/down the stairs). Nothing is more deflating to a loud kid exit than to have to do it over again, quietly!

That's a good point, and an effective approach I hadn't thought of.

 

[Michelle67]

My nine year old is very dramatic like that sometimes too. I've survived this once (my oldest is almost 19) and I do think that most of it is just normal pre-teen stuff.

The one tactic I'll pass on, and you can see how it feels to you, is that my husband told my oldest if she didn't stop slamming her door she was going to lose it. When she didn't stop, he followed through. He didn't say a word to her. He just got his tools, walked upstairs, took the door down and left her gaping and yowling. She really hated not having that privacy, not being able to close out her sibling (only one at the time) when she wanted to, and when she got her door back she was careful not to lose it again. When she is here and her sister is being dramatic and slams a door, she will tell her "Let me tell you about what is going to happen if you don't stop slamming doors."

I also agree with mickeyboat about ignoring it to a point. Sounds like she has a pretty fiery disposition like my oldest does, and if you engage when she is wound up things only escalate. For us the best thing to do was ignore her until she calmed down, and then deal with the consequences of the outburst. We laid those out in advance, and followed through without comment or lecture for the most part.

The mean words really hurt, but those in particular I think are really a part of the "teenager training" where they are trying to deal with overwhelmingly strong emotions and trying out some emotional manipulation to try to make you feel as intensely upset as they feel. I found it best to ignore those in the heat of the moment, and talk about them later. Elsewhere on another thread people were talking about using a notebook as a neutral way of exchanging feelings and issues, and I found that worked really well with my daughter in her preteen and early teen years. It helped her learn to admit and apologize when she was out of control and out of bounds, without having to say it to my face.

 

[luvmyfam444]

Somehitng to try that I use with my dd when she tries a fit. I send her outside. I have done this even at night - I tell her I will not tolerate that kind of behavior in my house & she must go outside to continue it. The 1st time I sent her out she was in TOTAL shock. And screamed of course about going out but I stood firm & closed the door on her. She stood there in the doorway between the screen door & the kitchen door & stopped her fit immediately - since she didn't like being out in the dark. I think I've used this maybe 3 times. It works like a charm for her. Though her fits are just scraming & crying - none of the hateful words...

THOUGH the other day my oldest told my middle that she wished she'd break her neck (she was playing on the bed & I said be careful or you'll break your neck) & then #1 said she'd wish it would happen & after fussing @ her I made her write an apology letter to her sister & mention why should DOES NOT wish her neck to be broken - and when she wrote it in print I made her go back & write it all in cursive. So that may or may not work - its just what I have used before.

Good luck -

One more thign I've done - is when a door is slammed she has to go back & open & close the door quietly some ridiculous amount of times - like 50 times without having the door make a sound.

 

[shirleyb]

Next time she goes upstairs and slams the door, quietly get out the tools and remove the door. She can have her door back when she earns it.

Same with other actions. Make the punishment fit the behavior and stick with it.

There are consequences and rewards for behaviors.

ETA I just noticed another poster had the same recommendation.

 

[momoftriplets]

You've gotten great advice.

The only thing I can add is this: Do these outbursts happen when she's hungry?

I know when my #1DD was that age, she would go into the "You don't love me" mode. She would also get very angry with her brother & sister. This always happened when she was hungry, because her blood sugar had dropped. We talked about this during a calm time. I told her "I'm sure you don't like when you act like this anymore than we do." Whenever she had one of her outbursts, I always offered her a snack. Most of the time it worked.

Just a thought.

Good luck to you!

 

[Castlebound]

Hang in there!! You've been given good advice thus far. The one thing nobody mentioned is the door-slamming thing - that's one of my pet peeves. If your DD had her own room, that door would be taken off its hinges for awhile.

I hate door slamming! We have taken the door off the hinges of both of our kids rooms at least once. My DD just turned 9 and she can work up to a pretty good hissy fit. When that happens I stop talking to her and she has to go to her room. She already knows that slamming the door will get it taken away so that doesn't happen any more. I calmly tell her that she is in trouble and there is no getting around that, but that we still need to talk. If she is yelling no one can talk so she needs some time to calm down. That time apart usually gives us both time to calm down. If she starts to yell again back to her room she must go. There can be no tv or music while she is calming down. I'm not sure if she is wore out from going up and down the steps or if she has truely calmed down, but she usually gets to a point where she will calmly talk with me. In the end she may not like being in trouble, but as I point out to her she knew that what she did or said was going to get her in trouble in the first place.

 

[raysnkaysmom]

It's a control thing. She acts a certain way, people react. Its something she can control, so she keeps doing it. Once you stop though, she will get worse, and start thinking you stopped caring. Make sure you don't stop showing you love her and care for her, but stop reacting to the temper tantrums. Write a list on the fridge of "if she does ____, ____ is the punishment." Keep your emotions out of it. Of course she loves you, she's just learning words and actions are powerful.

Tell her, you know, aren't you too old to be acting like you're 3? It's gotten boring.
Turn around and walk away. As long as she is not tearing anything up or hurting anyone.

I like the idea of posting that on the fridge....
Thanks for not everyone jumping right on me saying GET HER COUNSELING.. I try to blow it off as, just that, a tantrum... but I hate to see it

 

[raysnkaysmom]

You've gotten great advice.

The only thing I can add is this: Do these outbursts happen when she's hungry?

I know when my #1DD was that age, she would go into the "You don't love me" mode. She would also get very angry with her brother & sister. This always happened when she was hungry, because her blood sugar had dropped. We talked about this during a calm time. I told her "I'm sure you don't like when you act like this anymore than we do." Whenever she had one of her outbursts, I always offered her a snack. Most of the time it worked.

Just a thought.

Good luck to you!

lol..thats another thing.. shes ALWAYS hungry... and if I don't feed her...I dont' 'care if she dies'...
Ugh....almost as dramatic as her sister!!!! lol

 

[KirstenB]

I'm going through this with my 10 yr old dd. I just posted earlier asking for some good books on how to keep my cool with dd, and teach her how to be calm too. Just wanted to let you know I'm right there with you.

 

[matthew&haleysmom]

Next time she goes upstairs and slams the door, quietly get out the tools and remove the door. She can have her door back when she earns it.

Same with other actions. Make the punishment fit the behavior and stick with it.

There are consequences and rewards for behaviors.

ETA I just noticed another poster had the same recommendation.

I absolutely agree with this!! Punishment should fit the crime. Aren't we so lucky to have 8 year olds?!

 

[Magic Mom]

The one tactic I'll pass on, and you can see how it feels to you, is that my husband told my oldest if she didn't stop slamming her door she was going to lose it. When she didn't stop, he followed through. He didn't say a word to her. He just got his tools, walked upstairs, took the door down and left her gaping and yowling. She really hated not having that privacy, not being able to close out her sibling (only one at the time) when she wanted to, and when she got her door back she was careful not to lose it again. When she is here and her sister is being dramatic and slams a door, she will tell her "Let me tell you about what is going to happen if you don't stop slamming doors."

.

How funny, that's the exact story in my family. DS started slamming doors around 10. Nothing seemed to work to make him stop, so one day he slammed it on last time (DH was in Kosovo) and I was fed up. I went to the garage and got out some tools and quietly took the door off the hinges and put it in my bedroom. I didn't say a thing. After about 3 days, DS came to me and apologized, and promised never to slam again. I said I would give him this last chance and he had better stick o his word. He did!
Then just las month DD slammed a door when I reprimanded her for something. I heard DS 17 run upstairs and tell her. "Hey, you had better stop slamming doors, or Mom will take your door away. She did it to me when I was your age." She hasn't slammed a door since.

 

[GJM]

My DS 8 gets in such a mood if he is hungry -

I worry also because DH just left for a year to Kuwait, and I am wondering what kind of year I am going to have!

 

[Magic Mom]

My DS 8 gets in such a mood if he is hungry -

I worry also because DH just left for a year to Kuwait, and I am wondering what kind of year I am going to have!

Have you used Military Onesource? They have loads of online resources to help the kids cope, and also you can call them and get referals for counseling services. It doesn't go through Tricare at all. I have lots of resources for families impacted by deployment. PM me if you'd like me to send you some links.