DD17 thinks she can go out every night!

[hambirg]

I was seventeen when I joined the army reserve. I spent three months living on base, being treated like an adult, with no one telling me how to spend my free time as long as I obeyed the curfew and did my job.

When I came home it was really hard to suddenly start behaving like a child again. My mother and I fought, until I abruptly moved out a few months later. I literally walked out the door after she freaked out because I'd spent the night over at a girlfriend's house "without permission" (I'd left a note abd a phone number for her by the front door, but that wasn't enough, apparently).

Seventeen is nearly adult, and a great age to start giving your daughter some adult responsibilities. As long as she's respecting the curfew, maintaining her grades and not coming home drunk, I think you should respect her desire to hang out with her friends. She'll be gone off to university in just a few months - this is a chance for you to supervise her transition into responsible adulthood.

And if she starts going out seven days a week, you can always negotiate a "family dinner night" or a "family game night". Ex. every Wednesday, she stays home reconnecting with the family.

I was 19 when I moved out of my parents' house. I had a September birthday and didn't graduate until I was 18. I stayed at home one year while I was in CC. My mom is a worrier, but I really didn't have "rules." She wanted to know where I would be and who I would be with. . ."in case you are dying in a ditch somewhere, I want to know when I should be worried to the point that I should call the police." I could respect that. But at some point you have to be independent.

I'm really shocked by some of the responses on here. I have always thought that, in the end, being a successful parent meant raising children that didn't need me anymore. I know that it is bittersweet. . .but it really is the end goal. When they are toddlers we do everything that encourages them to walk and talk. . .but when they are really ready to start asserting their independence we are suppose to reign it in? That doesn't make any sense to me. OP, if she is successfully managing her life. . . and you don't expect that she is involved in anything she shouldn't be. . . than take great satisfaction in knowing that you have raised a great kid! Let her live her life and enjoy a great social life. Some parents have kids that don't have that. .. and would do anything in the world if their kids just HAD friends to hang out with. Be thankful that she is "normal."

 

[disneydance]

My parent's only let me go out about 3 nights a week, if I ask for any more than that they have a fit. They don't really have a time to be home except for dinner at 5:00 is mandatory but after dinner I could be out till 10:00, 10:30ish on a school night. The major thing is when my brother wants to go to bed as he's my middle of the night ride as my parents aren't awake and my mom not ready for me to get my liscense yet. My parent's used to not let me be out past 9:00 but now adays they don't know half the time when I get home and it's kind of one of those don't ask don't tell things. But they deffinately strict on the day's a week I can be out even sometimes if I ask to do a community service project or something they say no because of between dance, and church which isn't counted I'm out nearly 6 nights a week.

 

[disykat]

I'm speechless. . I really don't even know what to say.

You do realize that they are both adults, right? Wow. . just wow! My grandfather had 4 kids by the time he was your DS's age! I understand being a vigilant parent. . .but I also can't imagine what is wrong with a 22yr old man that let's his mommy tell him when and when he can't go out! I can only imagine that he will still be living in your basement when he is 40. . .and you will be ok with that.

I foster and encourage independence in my children. . .my oldest is only 15. . .she still has more freedom than your kids. She is an honor student, is never absent, and I don't monitor her school work. She does it all on her own, and has been doing that for years! I don't want to fail my children. And I want them to be fully functioning adults. I want them to think for themselves and not feel dependent on me to tell them what and when to do it. I would never in a million years expect my 22yr old son to still be living with me and having to follow my "rules." By that age they better damn well be on their own and figuring out life. . .mistakes and all! I am not so self-centered as to hold my own children back, whom I love and adore, just to satisfy my own needs.

Wow -nasty! Perhaps you should have read more closely. The poster referred to both past and present in her post. She certainly didn't say anything about putting limits on her 22 yr old!

 

[PaulaSB12]

The question is why does the op want her adult daughter to stay at home with her? Is this a way to control or is the mother lonely without her daughter? If it is the latter maybe if she goes out herself and finds friends and companions outside her family it may make her more relaxed about her daughter having an independant life.

 

[Jennasis]

The question is why does the op want her adult daughter to stay at home with her? Is this a way to control or is the mother lonely without her daughter? If it is the latter maybe if she goes out herself and finds friends and companions outside her family it may make her more relaxed about her daughter having an independant life.

In the US, 17 is not yet an adult (it's mighty close though!)

 

[PaulaSB12]

In the US, 17 is not yet an adult (it's mighty close though!)

Why are people treated like children for so long? Its 18 over which seems about right but you talk about 19 year olds with curfews!!!!!!!!!!!! Again is the daughter supposed to stay at home to keep the mother company? If so then the problem is with the op being lonely not the daughter wanting to be independant.

 

[formill]

I think your rules sound great to me! Completely within reason. I am always amazed at how many newspaper articles state how the crash happened at 5 am...with the 17 year old......and my first thought is always why on earth is a 17 year old out at that time? They are gone and making their own rules soon enough but hopefully by then are mature enough to make good decisions.

 

[bettyann29]

I dont think giving her a certain # of nights out a week is being a horrible mother.. I do think the 9 pm curfew is a little early for a 17 year old..

Honestly.. your house, your rules.. When she's in college and out of your house, then she can make her own rules and do what she wants, but until then she abides by what you think is acceptable..

I do have a 19 yr old daughter.. while I never limited her # of nights out she did have a curfew.. I also have a 17 yr old son.. again.. no limit on # of nights and honestly I dont even have a curfew for him, because he comes home without me having to do so.. other than the occasional movie with friends, etc.. but if I chose to limit how many nights they go out, than so be it.. nothing wrong with it..

 

[bettyann29]

I'm speechless. . I really don't even know what to say.

You do realize that they are both adults, right? Wow. . just wow! My grandfather had 4 kids by the time he was your DS's age! I understand being a vigilant parent. . .but I also can't imagine what is wrong with a 22yr old man that let's his mommy tell him when and when he can't go out! I can only imagine that he will still be living in your basement when he is 40. . .and you will be ok with that.

I foster and encourage independence in my children. . .my oldest is only 15. . .she still has more freedom than your kids. She is an honor student, is never absent, and I don't monitor her school work. She does it all on her own, and has been doing that for years! I don't want to fail my children. And I want them to be fully functioning adults. I want them to think for themselves and not feel dependent on me to tell them what and when to do it. I would never in a million years expect my 22yr old son to still be living with me and having to follow my "rules." By that age they better damn well be on their own and figuring out life. . .mistakes and all! I am not so self-centered as to hold my own children back, whom I love and adore, just to satisfy my own needs.

Looks to me as though you are making assumptions.. Sounds like the 22 yr old is working and in school.. whats wrong with living at home with parent/parents at that age when in school and working??? so do they get kicked out once they graduate so they can figure life out??

and I dont care how old my kiddo is.. if they live under MY roof, they follow MY rules.. regardless of what age they are..

 

[LisaNJ25]

Looks to me as though you are making assumptions.. Sounds like the 22 yr old is working and in school.. whats wrong with living at home with parent/parents at that age when in school and working??? so do they get kicked out once they graduate so they can figure life out??

and I dont care how old my kiddo is.. if they live under MY roof, they follow MY rules.. regardless of what age they are..

I agree.. you bet my 18yo has a curfew.. if its a weekend and hes driving is 11.. its the law with his drivers license..

Unless he is out working there is no need to go hang out at his budding house every night during the week till 10-11. Especially when they need to be up before 7am for school.

If they dont like the rules in my house than they can move out.

 

[MichelleVW]

I was 19 when I moved out of my parents' house. I had a September birthday and didn't graduate until I was 18. I stayed at home one year while I was in CC. My mom is a worrier, but I really didn't have "rules." She wanted to know where I would be and who I would be with. . ."in case you are dying in a ditch somewhere, I want to know when I should be worried to the point that I should call the police." I could respect that. But at some point you have to be independent.

I'm really shocked by some of the responses on here. I have always thought that, in the end, being a successful parent meant raising children that didn't need me anymore. I know that it is bittersweet. . .but it really is the end goal. When they are toddlers we do everything that encourages them to walk and talk. . .but when they are really ready to start asserting their independence we are suppose to reign it in? That doesn't make any sense to me. OP, if she is successfully managing her life. . . and you don't expect that she is involved in anything she shouldn't be. . . than take great satisfaction in knowing that you have raised a great kid! Let her live her life and enjoy a great social life. Some parents have kids that don't have that. .. and would do anything in the world if their kids just HAD friends to hang out with. Be thankful that she is "normal."

The highlighted part is what I tell my kids. I want to know where they are going and when they will be back so if something happens I know where to start looking for them. Since they love to watch shows like Criminal Minds my reasoning makes sense to them!

I dont think giving her a certain # of nights out a week is being a horrible mother.. I do think the 9 pm curfew is a little early for a 17 year old..

Honestly.. your house, your rules.. When she's in college and out of your house, then she can make her own rules and do what she wants, but until then she abides by what you think is acceptable..

I do have a 19 yr old daughter.. while I never limited her # of nights out she did have a curfew.. I also have a 17 yr old son.. again.. no limit on # of nights and honestly I dont even have a curfew for him, because he comes home without me having to do so.. other than the occasional movie with friends, etc.. but if I chose to limit how many nights they go out, than so be it.. nothing wrong with it..

My oldest is in college and has found that the kids that had tighter rules on them during high school are the ones that seem to freak out in college and go nuts.

 

[PatsGirl]

DS was only allowed out on school nights for work, school or community-sponsored activities (sports games, Boy Scouts, etc.) but was free all weekend to do as he pleased with a midnight curfew once he got his license (junior license only good until midnight until 18). It really was never an issue because he played sports three seasons and had enough school work to keep him busy until he went to bed. His first two years of high school the bus came at 6:20 am He also worked about 12-16 hours/week.

IMHO, if a senior in high school has enough time to go out every night with her friends, she either needs to work more, up the difficulty in her school classes, or get involved in extra-cirricular school/community activities or volunteer programs.

OP, I think you are fine with setting whatever rules you want in your own house! Sure, she needs to learn independence and how to manage her time and by going out three or four nights a week she will learn that quick enough.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I have to laugh at the dying in a ditch comment since that is what I tell my kids. (ALSO I had a friend that this really happened to. So I should not laugh about it. There is a grain of truth in there.)

Works for us. They do not want to worry us so they respect us with a phone call.

This is something you do forever really. When I was driving my 45yo self to my sister's on Thanksgiving, my sister HAD to call because the weather at the time was a bit treacherous. I drove through rain, sleet, snow and then rain again.

I see nothing wrong with touching base with family sometimes and they do not either.

As far as going out as a senior, my dd's are not like that with the need to be out every night. So it is hard for me to say. But if they give me the respectful phone call, then I am good. Yea, it sucks when they break away however it is all good. My youngest is 14 and she is the one who is going to go to college and that will probably be the last I see of her. She has goals, highly motivated, and can't wait to get going. It won't surprise me.

At 18 all legal curfews are lifted so not an issue here. Generally I went by the legal curfew. And believe me, my oldest got stopped more than once coming home from work at 2am at a roadblock.

 

[clarabelle]

OP
What are your biggest worries? Grades? Pregnancy? Drinking?

I would discuss these with her and see if you can come to some kind of agreement that works for both of you.

Some kind of line between rules just for the sake of rules and letting her go hog wild without any guidance or direction.

I personally think that sometimes kids WANT someone to put the brakes on for them-so they can still look good to their friends -but get some much needed rest and stay caught up on school work.

 

[tiggger1]

I think it is strict. When I was 17, I didn't really have a curfew as long as my parents knew where I was. I was usually out 5-6 nights a week..I was usually home by 11 on a school night because my boyfriend had to be home by 11 and he drove me home. If I was out with my Best friend I was just spend the night at her house. I think I only spent the night at my house a handful of weekends my senior year.

My parents didnt care because I was a good student, got my homework and chores done and never got in trouble....

I know its your house, your rules but I have a younger friend whose mom was exactly like that and when the dd went away to college, she barely ever came home. She hated being home because her mom would give her a 9 o'clock curfew when she was home and treated her like a baby!! The dd still hasnt forgave the mom. I think she has only been home a handful of times in 2 years!

 

[PaulaSB12]

DS was only allowed out on school nights for work, school or community-sponsored activities (sports games, Boy Scouts, etc.) but was free all weekend to do as he pleased with a midnight curfew once he got his license (junior license only good until midnight until 18). It really was never an issue because he played sports three seasons and had enough school work to keep him busy until he went to bed. His first two years of high school the bus came at 6:20 am He also worked about 12-16 hours/week.

IMHO, if a senior in high school has enough time to go out every night with her friends, she either needs to work more, up the difficulty in her school classes, or get involved in extra-cirricular school/community activities or volunteer programs.

OP, I think you are fine with setting whatever rules you want in your own house! Sure, she needs to learn independence and how to manage her time and by going out three or four nights a week she will learn that quick enough.

What is wrong with wanting to be with friends? With this sort of extreme rule making I can see the kids moving out as soon as possible and never coming back. Do you want to raise independant adults or just controled children just for the heck of it.

 

[ols386]

Why are people treated like children for so long? Its 18 over which seems about right but you talk about 19 year olds with curfews!!!!!!!!!!!! Again is the daughter supposed to stay at home to keep the mother company? If so then the problem is with the op being lonely not the daughter wanting to be independant.

I've not had the impression at all that the op just wanted the dd to stay home to keep her company. Not sure where you are getting that from.

And furthermore, if my 19 year old lives at home, they still have to live by my house rules. The house rules may not be as confining as the rules were before age 18, but I guarantee, there will still be rules. There are rules we have to follow all through life. No matter how old my kids get to be, they have to follow rules in general just like everyone else.

And I don't think expecting a kid or adult to follow rules in treating them like children.

What's with all your exclamations marks? Are you yelling?

 

[ols386]

What is wrong with wanting to be with friends? With this sort of extreme rule making I can see the kids moving out as soon as possible and never coming back. Do you want to raise independant adults or just controled children just for the heck of it.

And if they think moving out and being on their own is so easy, then they should do just that, move out, and find out very quickly that being out on your own isn't necessarily so easy. Especially for a 19-year-old who wouldn't even have a college education yet, and these days, finding a job even with a college degree, isn't always possible, much less if you have less education.

 

[golfgal]

I'm not budging on the 9pm curfew on school nights.

Even if she is just going to a game at school, they usually aren't even DONE by 9:00, let alone getting home from that event.

This is how teens learn to fly the coop. You have a very limited time with her home, do you really want to spend your last couple months with her crying in her room and fighting over this? Also, the more you push her, the more she will push back.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I've not had the impression at all that the op just wanted the dd to stay home to keep her company. Not sure where you are getting that from.

And furthermore, if my 19 year old lives at home, they still have to live by my house rules. The house rules may not be as confining as the rules were before age 18, but I guarantee, there will still be rules. There are rules we have to follow all through life. No matter how old my kids get to be, they have to follow rules in general just like everyone else.

And I don't think expecting a kid or adult to follow rules in treating them like children.

What's with all your exclamations marks? Are you yelling?

I guess where I part ways with you is that I don't call them "rules".

We expect consideration and respect to be paramount in our home. If you are late, call, or if it is too late, please spend the night instead of driving home at 2am for our soon to be 20yodd.

This is why they are not "rules" because it is not always possible for my dd to stay over somewhere if she is out late. Now I do not like her driving that late so she does try and be more proactive with plans but you know sometimes that may not pan out.

I see it as courtesy & safety instead of "rules" and my dd's understand that.