DD17 thinks she can go out every night!

[bitohoney]

DD17 is a senior, her grades are good, she got a scholarship...but before the school year started I told her that her nights per week of going out with friends would limited. School nights she has to be home by 9pm, weekend curfew varies but never later than 12. Last week she only stayed home 1 night and that's because I told her she had to.
This week I gave her a limit of 3 nights that she could go out. She's already been out 3 nights this week. So, now she's wanting to go out AGAIN tonight. She said I shouldn't give her a limit and when I do, it makes her want to go out more and she feels like she has to go out.
When she does go out she's on time, give or take a few minutes.
Now, she's upstairs crying (ok so I kinda raised my voice above my normal voice), and I feel like a horrible mother.
I'm a single parent so I have no one else to back me up on this. Am I wrong for putting a limit on the nights she goes out?
If I didn't limit it I'm sure she would never be home.

 

[handinpocket]

Sounds like she obeys her curfew, so I would let her go out. When she goes to college she can do as she pleases. She is almost an adult, so yes, I would let her go out.

 

[Darcy03231]

I have a DS (26), DD (22), DD (19) and dd (17). I also have twin foster girls (19). They all had/have curfews, but I don't limit the number of nights they can go out unless grades are slipping/poor. During the week they have to be home by 9:30 pm, unless they have a late shift at work (10 pm). On the weekends they need to be home by 12:30 pm, unless there is something special going on.

 

[brios86]

Sounds like she obeys her curfew, so I would let her go out. When she goes to college she can do as she pleases. She is almost an adult, so yes, I would let her go out.

Agreed. Soon she won't have to ask for your permission.

 

[MushyMushy]

I think that's pretty strict for a 17 year old. 9:00 curfew is pretty early. Mine was 10:00 and a lot of people told me that was too early! And at her age, it's probably torture to stay home.

 

[MichelleVW]

DD17 is a senior, her grades are good, she got a scholarship...but before the school year started I told her that her nights per week of going out with friends would limited. School nights she has to be home by 9pm, weekend curfew varies but never later than 12. Last week she only stayed home 1 night and that's because I told her she had to.
This week I gave her a limit of 3 nights that she could go out. She's already been out 3 nights this week. So, now she's wanting to go out AGAIN tonight. She said I shouldn't give her a limit and when I do, it makes her want to go out more and she feels like she has to go out.
When she does go out she's on time, give or take a few minutes.
Now, she's upstairs crying (ok so I kinda raised my voice above my normal voice), and I feel like a horrible mother.
I'm a single parent so I have no one else to back me up on this. Am I wrong for putting a limit on the nights she goes out?
If I didn't limit it I'm sure she would never be home.

It's Friday night.....why would you make her stay home? If she's home by 9 on the week nights I honestly don't see the problem with her going out. Yes, in my opinion (and you asked) you're wrong for putting a limit on her going out. Sounds like she's a good kid, so I would let her go out.

 

[Pumbaa_]

depends, where is she going and what is she doing?

 

[bitohoney]

I think that's pretty strict for a 17 year old. 9:00 curfew is pretty early. Mine was 10:00 and a lot of people told me that was too early! And at her age, it's probably torture to stay home.

I'm not budging on the 9pm curfew on school nights.

 

[bitohoney]

Agreed. Soon she won't have to ask for your permission.

Oh yes she will as long as she's still in high school.

 

[ols386]

Geez, I must be a stick in the mud.

As long as she lives in your house, she needs to follow your rules. I also don't see what's wrong with saying she can only go out so many nights per week. Seems to me like 3-4 nights a week is reasonable.

It's true that she will soon be going off to college, and will have more independence, and can basically do as she pleases without your permission, but right now she is still under 18. She is still your responsibility and she needs to respect that.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

DD15 started high school this year. All Honors classes. She is only allowed out when she doesn't have school the next day (mostly Fri. and Sat. nights, but if they have a day off from school, she's allowed out). She has to be in 10 p.m. when she goes out. I did tell her that this is dependent upon her keeping up her grades at a level I'm comfortable with. I also told her we would revisit this in the spring when it's lighter longer and then we'll see how school has gone through the year. As long as she keeps up her grades, I will allow her to go out more often during the week, when spring comes. During the summer I will probably raise her curfew to 11 p.m.

At this age they need their friends and that interaction more than being home. As long as she's following your rules and bringing home good grades, why not let her have more freedom?

Please don't take this the wrong way, but maybe you're a little lonely when she's not around and you're starting to hear the sounds of an empty nest? I know I'm feeling that way and DD is only a Freshman. It could be I'm just projecting, but maybe not.

 

[clh2]

I agree with the OP. That is a lot of nights for a 17 year old to be going out.

FWIW - I have a 16 YO junior. And I agree that when she is in college - she'll be able to make her own decisions. However...MY HOUSE...MY RULES. Now - I should probably add - DD has some AP classes, and between working and her year-round sport (plus cross country in the fall) she is consistently up to 11 doing homework at night...so there wouldn't be any visiting friends on school nights.

There is no way I would let DD go out that much. Particularly when out of a normal week - 5 of the nights are school nights. SO - if you gave her a limit of how many times a week she can go out - then it is like a budget. When you run out of "nights out" - you are out of them.

Perhaps your daughter is bored? Does she need to go get a job? Who is paying for whatever she does when she goes out?

How about a compromise - can she have friends over?

 

[MushyMushy]

I'm not budging on the 9pm curfew on school nights.

I still don't understand why you feel the need to limit her throughout the week, especially at her age and with her being such a good kid.

 

[Allison]

I don't think you are wrong. Our kids don't go out on weeknights except for school activities which keep them very busy. We might let them do something occasionally during the week but it doesn't come up much. They can hang out with kids after school if they aren't at a practice but are home by dinner.

 

[krcit]

I think as long as she keeps her grades up and is a good kid, she should be allowed out.

 

[NMAmy]

I'm not budging on the 9pm curfew on school nights.

Oh yes she will as long as she's still in high school.

You're not the boss of me! Sorry, I had a little teenage flashback there for a minute.

It's pretty normal for kids that age to want to go out with their friends a lot. I know that it can get a bit lonely when they're gone all the time. I have no idea if that's what the issue is or not.

Have you told your dd calmly, when she's not begging to rush out the door, your reasoning? You don't have to tell us why but perhaps explaining things to her would help. I know that when I told dd that I missed her when she was gone all the time and I'd like to spend a bit of time with her since she would be going to college soon, she made an effort to hang out with me from time to time. I also made an effort to be the hang out house--having lots of teen approved snacks and videos and games, etc.

Good luck, I know it's difficult when they're that age. Not a little kid but not a grown up yet.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I agree that as long as school, and school nights, are involved, that it is entirely appropriate to limit night-time activities.

But, it is Friday, right...
It is a Holiday, right...
And, this is the night you pick this hill to die on, and keep her from hanging with her friends...
And she has to, especially from her viewpoint, sit at home and stare at the walls....

While I fully agree that 'you are the parent', 'it is your home', yada yada yada....

I think it will be hard to expect respect from a 17 year old when the way you go about setting and enforcing rules does not show a lot of respect for their viewpoint.

My thoughts... You need to set up some agreeable and consistant rules...
(No school nights, No unacceptable activities - have to know where you are, etc....) And, other than that, I think a nearly 18 year old needs to be able to spread their wings a bit.

 

[bitohoney]

She does work, 4 nights a week, but only until 6pm.

 

[pepperw23]

I agree with the OP. That is a lot of nights for a 17 year old to be going out.

FWIW - I have a 16 YO junior. And I agree that when she is in college - she'll be able to make her own decisions. However...MY HOUSE...MY RULES. Now - I should probably add - DD has some AP classes, and between working and her year-round sport (plus cross country in the fall) she is consistently up to 11 doing homework at night...so there wouldn't be any visiting friends on school nights.

There is no way I would let DD go out that much. Particularly when out of a normal week - 5 of the nights are school nights. SO - if you gave her a limit of how many times a week she can go out - then it is like a budget. When you run out of "nights out" - you are out of them.

Perhaps your daughter is bored? Does she need to go get a job? Who is paying for whatever she does when she goes out?

How about a compromise - can she have friends over?

I never let DD 19 or DS 22 go out every night either. That being said, I was always the first one to offer them to have their friends over, and I was willing to go out and about with them (mall, move etc).

My DD 19 still has a curfew. I consider it my job as her parent to keep her safe and I don't feel like anything good can happen after midnight. She is a good girl and I am lucky that she does not really want to stay out late anyway.

My 22 year old son is too busy with school and work so he never goes out anyway.

 

[DebD4T]

The rules in our house is no going out on school nights. That includes going out immediately after school as well. Granted, both my DD's have dance Monday through Thursday nights so there really isn't any arguments there.

DD#1 has an 11pm curfew. Honestly, I try to limit her "out" time to one night on the weekends. I was pretty successful up until this year. She is 15 and a sophomore in high school so her social life is VERY important!!! She is a good kid so more often than not she goes out Friday and Saturday nights.

DS is away at college so I have NO IDEA when he goes out or how late he stays out.