DD15 and her BF... how much time is reasonable to -

[auntpolly]

You can not let a daughter hang around in her BF's room, you can limit her time with him, you can tell her not to have sex, you can take her to church, and she could still end up pregnant.

I think people miss the point about teenagers (boys too, but especially girls.) If they don't think enough of themselves -- if they don't have anything else that they care about -- you are just asking for trouble.

I say focus less on the rules and more on the girls. Make sure they have strong interests. Get them into sports early. Make them feel really good about their school work. For one thing, they'll have more self esteem, and another, they won't have as much time to get in trouble. It's not fool proof -- but it's very successful.

Most of DD's friends were so active that they really didn't have many real BFs at all -- they mostly group dated with kids that were in the same activities.

 

[shortbun]

Originally posted by auntpolly
You can not let a daughter hang around in her BF's room, you can limit her time with him, you can tell her not to have sex, you can take her to church, and she could still end up pregnant.

I think people miss the point about teenagers (boys too, but especially girls.) If they don't think enough of themselves -- if they don't have anything else that they care about -- you are just asking for trouble.

I say focus less on the rules and more on the girls. Make sure they have strong interests. Get them into sports early. Make them feel really good about their school work. For one thing, they'll have more self esteem, and another, they won't have as much time to get in trouble. It's not fool proof -- but it's very successful.

Most of DD's friends were so active that they really didn't have many real BFs at all -- they mostly group dated with kids that were in the same activities.

Yeah, that's true Aunty Polly, if there's a will-there's a way.
My neice takes 3 dance classes a week, goes to church youth
group, church on Sundays, is in the flag corps and plays the
violin. She still got caught doing something "really bad" in
her room and I think it's because her parents allowed the
intimate behavior. Had she not been thrust into her bedroom...
and I believe it was to get them out of the parents way in this
case.

 

[loisg1]

DD is involved in activities. She plays in and/or directs 7 handbell choirs at church... she's only 5'0" but lifts the biggest bass bells like nothing. She's also involved in other activities at church, as well. She is involved in a junior conservation school which meets monthly and has a weeklong camp in summer. She was on the staff this year. Plus now that school is starting, she will hopefully have homework. She has a totally full schedule with no study halls. If she has other things going, her homework takes last place, especially since as a HS student, there is no way to check on assignments.

Oh yes, we've had all the frank discussions time and time again. She knows my feelings believe me!! I have not minced words with her!! All I can hope that when push comes to shove, she'll know the appropriate thing to do and when to say stop.

It's just that she's only 15..... and teenage hormones ....

 

[disneyjunkie]

I think you should talk to the BF's parents. They need to know how you feel. If you have a curfew for your daughter, they should honor it.

My son will be 13 in October, I'm not ready for this stuff yet.

 

[Disney_1derland]

I have two preschoolers and I'm not looking forward to this, but I'd like to share my experiences from high school with you. My parents were overly permissive. My entire childhood I would cook up schemes to get them to say no to me. They never did. They were inconsistent and No did not really mean no in my house. And I *knew* it. The only thing my mother ever said to me was 'don't do anything to wind up pregnant'. Well okay, but that leaves a lot of wiggle room and there is a lot of intimacy to be had without winding up pregnant.

They didn't allow boys in my room unless the door was open and it was a very small house so the chances of doing anything in there were pretty much none. But we had a pool and a hot tub in the backyard and nobody ever checked on us out there. I had an 11pm curfew which I rarely obeyed. What my parents didn't know was that the year I was 17 I wasn't where I told them I'd be. I was in an abusive relationship with a boy I pretended to like because I had gotten in too deep and was truly scared to tell anyone I needed help. He would come get me and take me to his mothers house. I would stay there all weekend and then he would take me back on sunday. I didn't really want to be there but I was convinced he'd kill me if I told. He might have. It was that bad. The only reason I got away from him was because the next guy I was interested in found out about the abuse and saved me from this guy. My parents still don't know (15 years later).

I know my example is an extreme but the point is....be honest with them, and be protective. Be in contact with the boy's parents and openly communicate about the relationship between your children. If you cannot get that from them then I would go so far as to not allow her over there at all. The abusive guy's mom didn't care what he did to me and turned a blind eye to it. If my parents had instituted a rule about being in contact with the parents I would never have been in the situation.

I told my parents I hated them, I accused them of not trusting me but I also ran all over them and almost got myself killed. They are still children and still need adult guidance and help in making the choices that are right. They may not like it at all, but wouldn't you rather have her be mad at you for the next 5 years than spend time regretting what you should have done? No, she may never get involved in a situation like mine but our children are too precious to take that chance.

Good Luck with your decisions and would you please stick around until 2014 so you can remind me of this when I'm going through it???

 

[dbal]

disney 1derland really struck a cord with me. My own 2 dd's are little; however my dsd's are both teens. The oldest is 15 & constantly complaining about her mom not trusting her, too strict, having to call her constantly when no one else in the group has too. Sometimes my dh falls for this. He thinks she should have more freedom since she's a good kid. (good grades, lots of activities) Well she's a great kid but IMHO, lack of experience is the issue of trust - not the kid. Besides being embarrassing & a pain - what other issue should she have with calling her mom or dad to check in? My dh is afraid if he says no or sets the rules too strict that she will rebel. I am all for honest relationships with our kids but c'mon. I remember when I was a teen and was "opening up with my mom" ... lets just say it was never the whole truth. Kids lie to parents. Always have always will. Kids will always play the guilt card..."Why don't you trust me?" Just like my preschoolers- when they play out in the yard- I check on them. That's how I explain it to my dsd.

My long winded point is... They find plenty of oppurtunity to do things without us there. I think they need to know that being a part of a family extends to other areas of their lives as well.

But like all of you I'm sure.. Ours is a DAILY BATTLE!


What are your teens curfews?

 

[LisaSt]

I was never restricted on alone time with my GF's when I was younger I had a tv and stereo and so on in my room so we spent all our time there. Parents home or not we only ever came out of the room for food or drinks or to go to the washroom. Yes things did happen there but atleast it was in my mothers house and we were not sneaking out in the car to do it or some other place like at parties etc and we always were protected as my mother made sure if I didn't buy condoms she got them for me as she said I can't stop you from doing it but I can help protect you while you are doing it. Still never had any rules on alone time though my mom was the best for that and no wayward children from it either.
Darren

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Originally posted by auntpolly
You can not let a daughter hang around in her BF's room, you can limit her time with him, you can tell her not to have sex, you can take her to church, and she could still end up pregnant.

I think people miss the point about teenagers (boys too, but especially girls.) If they don't think enough of themselves -- if they don't have anything else that they care about -- you are just asking for trouble.

I say focus less on the rules and more on the girls. Make sure they have strong interests. Get them into sports early. Make them feel really good about their school work. For one thing, they'll have more self esteem, and another, they won't have as much time to get in trouble. It's not fool proof -- but it's very successful.

Most of DD's friends were so active that they really didn't have many real BFs at all -- they mostly group dated with kids that were in the same activities.

This is a good point. When I was 15, I was not allowed to be alone with my BF but we still found places to be alone where we were not supervised.

I would have a long talk with her and let her know your opinion on the sujbect and ask her hers. Tell her you know it's an uncomfortable issue but that she needs to know she can always come to you for advice and help.