DD15 and her BF... how much time is reasonable to -

[loisg1]

spend talking on the phone, in each others presence, or IMing? They have been 'going out' since last September. It's almost like unless she has something she wants to do, she wants to be at BFs house anymore. They are allowed upstairs in his room there. Here we have a FR, LR, DR downstairs all with plenty of seating. Even if someone was watching the TV in the FR, they could watch a DVD on the portable or have access to the computer alone.

It's becoming a constant argument anymore and I'm just wondering what experience parents of this age have done.

Thanks for any guidance,
Lois

 

[SonjaB]

I'm a mean mama, LOL, I would be strict on time alone. He would be spending more time at my house than she at his. Especially if I thought they might not be supervised at her house. No way in heck would she be there if they were allowed to spend time alone in his bedroom. Just my meanie mom two cents, LOL.

 

[grinningghost]

I have a 15 year old DD too. So far, her romantic relationships have all been short-term. None as long as your DD has been in, so that does make a difference. I generally didn't worry too much about long phone calls or IM's - it sure beat having her over at his house and wondering what they were doing.

We have the same type of rule as you do, boys that come over stay in the "public" areas of the house. No locking up in the bedroom (except when her guitar playing friends come over - then I MAKE them close the door ). But it's very apparent that they're playing the guitar - even with the amp turned WAY down.

 

[loisg1]

I probably should clarify... to the best of my knowledge, the door to his BR is not shut. Also, she has tried to pull one over on us as far as his parents being there to supervise. That is something I'm very opposed to... them being there without adult supervision... but upstairs still bothers me nonetheless. His parents are nice people, but I just don't think they take this as seriously as we do. They both have full time jobs which have them working various times and on weekends.

Oh yes, what do you say to the shot about don't you TRUST me??? You should know what kind of person I am by now. Of course, this is said in the most indignant tone!!

 

[shortbun]

I warned my B&SIL not to allow my neice's boyfriend in her
room with the door closed. Last weekend my nephew-Asperger's and unaware that he was giving away family secrets-said,"XXX
is grounded for the rest of her life and XXX is lucky Dad didn't
kill him. they did something really bad in her room but Mom and
Dad didn't tell me what they did."

If I knew my child was being welcomed into a bedroom in his
or her "friend's" home-I would not allow them to be there OR
I would ask the parents to quit allowing it. It's much better to
alienate the parents AND the boyfriend for this than something
much more serious.
Sorry to be so cut a dried about it.

IMHO, IMs and phone calls are much preferable, I would not
limit them much as they are fairly harmless. Stop the more
dangerous behavior. My B&SIL thought because they are
and their children are regular church goers and their daughter
told them nothing was happening that this was actually the
case. Apparently they were sadly wrong. I hope my neice is
ok. She indignantly lied to me AND to her Mom about the issue. I told her I was not born yesterday and she just smiled and cocked her head-never objected again. I knew then that I was right. Children will do grownup things for love.

 

[JessetheCowgirl]

Oh, my. Parenting a teen must be tough.

I would be restricting time at BF's house, also.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

What I say to my 16yo daughter when she starts with the "don't you trust me?" is to tell her that I don't trust teenage hormones and that she shouldn't put herself in a situation where she will be tempted to do something that she might regret.

As to being at her boyfriends house without supervision, I've made it clear to his parents that I don't allow that and, to the best of my knowledge, it hasn't occured. The tough part will be when she has her license and I won't have the control that I have now. I can only hope then that she will practice the moral behavior that she has been raised with.

She also has three younger brothers so I will be going through this teen stuff for many years.

T&B

 

[loisg1]

shortbun,
You are hitting the nail on the head!!! His parents as well as our family are regular church attenders. DD would be mortified if we made such a request of BFs parents. She's very opinionated and won't budge. She has a friend who was involved in an arson incident but keeps insisting that people change and he's not the same person and besides no one was hurt. Nothing about the what if's can get through to her.

If BFs parents take the two of them out, she will return at 11pm or later and they think nothing of it. But we're the bad guys.

As far as for love... how can a 15yo be so sure? She has always had many friends that were boys vs. BFs but we think she should not be tied to one person at this age for this long. She won't hear of it.

 

[LuvTigger]

I'm not a parent yet, and fortunately I was a relatively innocent teenager. However, I don't think it should matter if your DD would be mortified for you to ask his parents to not allow them to be in his room with the door closed. Better for her to be mortified now than be pregnant later (sorry to be so blunt, but my coworker was telling me about how her daughter got pregnant at 17 because the boy's parents apparently didn't care about being in a room alone together with the door closed, etc.).

Only you can determine if this is appropriate, but I'm thinking that if you feel this situation is really bad, maybe you need to basically say that if she wants to continue to see him, you WILL be talking to his parents about this.

 

[shortbun]

Originally posted by loisg1
shortbun,
You are hitting the nail on the head!!! His parents as well as our family are regular church attenders. DD would be mortified if we made such a request of BFs parents. She's very opinionated and won't budge. She has a friend who was involved in an arson incident but keeps insisting that people change and he's not the same person and besides no one was hurt. Nothing about the what if's can get through to her.

If BFs parents take the two of them out, she will return at 11pm or later and they think nothing of it. But we're the bad guys.

As far as for love... how can a 15yo be so sure? She has always had many friends that were boys vs. BFs but we think she should not be tied to one person at this age for this long. She won't hear of it.

I feel ya. Scary to put ones foot down knowing it might drive
them further into each other but also scary to be a friend instead of a parent. Tell them they can see each other all they want
at your house-all they want under certain circumstances.
Heck-I don't know. Good luck

 

[Jeafl]

My 15 yr. old DD has been going out with the same guy since April. They are not allowed to go anywhere alone, but they do go out in large groups. As far as her going over to his house, I make absolutely sure that at least one of his parents is home. When he is here, they are down in the basement alone, but every 15 minutes or so I send a little "spy" (my other DD or DS) down there to "get something for me". I know it annoys the heck out of my daughter, but oh well.

As far as IMing or emailing, she doesn't have a lot of time after school, sports and homework, so I'm pretty lenient with that.

I can't believe I have to go through this with two more kids.

 

[dg39]

I wouldn't mind IM's or phone calls. At 15 my girls had their own phones and would stay on forever. I don't have a problem with that. But, as far as going upstairs in the bedroom, I don't like it. I always allowed my dd's and their bf's downstairs, we have the tv, computer, its a finished basement so they would go down there to hang out. Like the other poster I would go down every now and then pretending to do something. But, if your dd is going to his house and hanging out in his bedroom, aside from telling her, her bf, or his parents that you don't like the idea, there's not much you can do about it. I could swear that teenagers aren't human, their a different form of life and are put on this earth to torture their parents. There'll make you crazy...

 

[loisg1]

dg39,

She is always accusing me of trying to ruin her life, summer, etc., etc.... pick one!! lol "it's her life and her friends!!"

What kind of curfews do you guys enforce for this age group... that would be when she's with the other parents and BF?

Thanks so much,
Lois

 

[Serena]

My advice, you need to trust in her love and trust in your judgement. If you think you are making a good rule, stick by it. They know how to weedle around you to get what they want. Especially playing on your sympathies and your love. They don't mean to make things hard for you, they are growing up. Whether she likes it or not, she needs you to set the bounderies. She may protest up a storm, but stick with it. It's better in the long run.

I was too easy manipulated by my daughter. She's turning out alright anyway, but I was too soft for her. I sorely regret it.

Hang in there, you both will get through this.

 

[Pin Wizard]

If I had a daughter and found out she and BF were in his room, I'd be informing his parents that she's not to be there! If they can't abide by that, then she would have to forget going there and just have him at our home.

 

[Nancy]

I have 3 girls..16, 14 and 11. Luckily this hasn't been a really big issue yet here. BUT I would NOT let her go to BF's house and be in his bedroom. Even if she is pretty level headed, things can get out of her control quickly and even if she wants to stop, it might not happen that way. (I have a friend that had this happen to her DD at 15, girl was roughed up a bit)

I would prefer they come to my house, I've been that way with all their friends since they were younger, that way i know what they are doing.

Also, my 16 yr old will be getting her permit soon and driving. I will still have as much control as I can over that. After all it will be my car she's driving and there will definately be a curfew....plus if the rules are still the same they can't drive after 9:00 without an adult in the car anyway.

 

[susy]

I would just be more blunt and direct. If you don't want her to have sex, say so. Spell it out. Don't give you opinion. Just say flat out, "you are not allowed to have sex. This includes him touching you here or there or you doing this or that. " That way, there is no misunderstanding. Dont' dance around this-spell it out for the BF and his parents, if you must. My best friends SIL (a teenager) is now pregnant. She was brought up in church and all that. This was her first boyfriend.

 

[chrissyk]

Originally posted by susy
I would just be more blunt and direct. If you don't want her to have sex, say so. Spell it out. Don't give you opinion. Just say flat out, "you are not allowed to have sex. This includes him touching you here or there or you doing this or that. " That way, there is no misunderstanding. Dont' dance around this-spell it out for the BF and his parents, if you must. My best friends SIL (a teenager) is now pregnant. She was brought up in church and all that. This was her first boyfriend.

I absolutely agree. Honestly, it doesn't take going up into an upstairs bedroom to have sex. Think back to teenagerhood, and remember the places where you would go to have a little private time with your significant other. I can remember sneaking around to some pretty unconventional places That said, there really isn't any particular reason that 2 fifteen-year-olds need to be spending alone-time in any bedroom anyways. I'd try to have him to your house more often, rather than the other way around.

The older kids in my neighborhood are now in their mid-teens. They aren't allowed in each other's bedrooms, so they are getting it on in the woods behind our neighborhood park If I were their parents, I would be talking with these kids a LOT more, because they do have a lot to say when they can talk to someone.

 

[dg39]

Sometimes the more you tell them NO, they rebel and go the other way. There's no right or wrong way when it comes to raising teens. They have there own minds, and think there invincable. Most of them think they know everything. When my kids used to say "don't you trust me", I would reply "Its not a matter of trust", this is my house and when your 18, you can do what you want, until then....Yea, there were lots of fights and disagreements about curfews and such. After awhile, they get out of there"not human" stage and become people. I think as parents we all heard or will soon hear that we ruined there life some way or another. Thats something they just say. If your dead set against your dd staying in her bf's room and if its always on your mind then I would suggest you mention it to all those involved. If you mention it to his parents, just make sure you bring it up in a lighthearted way. There's nothing worse then another parent feeling threatened about her parenting skills. And if your concerned about your dd having sex, just know, where theres a will theres a way and they don't need to be in his room to have it. Pick your battles during these dreadful teenage years and keep an eye and ear open.

 

[720L]

I remember when I was 15 and had a senior for a boyfriend. My Mom would hardly ever let me go to his house (which really made me mad) and wouldn't let us go on a "date" until I was 16. No riding in the car with him, no being in rooms with doors closed. I was very angry she didnt trust me and she always said that I would thank her for it someday. She's right, I do agree with what she did now. I'm going to do the same thing with my daughter. And I'm going to take it a step further, like susy suggested. I pray she listens to me! I had a midnight curfew until I was out of school....which SUCKED! I'm still angry about that. But my Mom always said"nothing good happens after midnight". That's true but things were happening before midnight also. I'm not looking forward to the teen years at all!!