DD11 not doing chores, WWYD?

[luvmyfam444]

I agree totally with the others & your view - don't take the soccer away---its waaay too important & yep she'll be done if you take her out - my niece played this level of ball & is playing college ball now.

I'm sorry I think there are a HECK of a lot of things worse than a person who grows up being a slob - as long as she's a good citizen, happy, and lvoes her momma who cares if she's a slob?

Ya know at this age her bnody is beginnning to change & I know this is the time when I began to be extremely clumsy (growth spurt) & then forgetting everything - it did get better eventually (til I had kids).

Maybe you should try a reward system instead of punishment? Come up with something extra she'd like if her chores are done in a timely manner & that time frame may need to be changed - as long as the clothes are put up by end of week (or say Weds if there's no extra curr on that day) - they just can't be falling on the floor - then if there's been say a week of accomplishment then she gets a manicure- anything she'd enjoy & work towards.

I don't give my dd regular chores - she just knows she has to help out when asked without complaining. Which may or may not be daily depending on her schoolwork.

I'm just different - I feel guilty giving dd too much to do - she spends sooo much time on hw & has little time to play as it is - I feel guilty giving her daily chores - just my thoughts - like they matter. I guess my & dh's thoughts are she holds a 30 hrs a week job as it is (school) & that's enough for her during the week for now

 

[Nicolepa]

Try writing her a schedule that plans her afternoon/evening from the minute she gets home from school. Schedule time for homework, chores and soccer practice if she has it that day. Give her some free time at the end of the day for TV or other activities. If she doesn't finish her homework and chores during the allotted time, she has to use her free time to do it. That takes away the "I forgot" excuse. If it's written down, there's no reason why she can't remember to do it.

I have had the same problem(s) w/my almost 10 y/o. I made her a scheduled in 5 minute increments from the time she wakes up, till the time she goes to bed. Sounds crazy, but that is what it came down to. If she does not meet her "times" then she has to go to bed an hour early and cannot read in bed. If she does not meet her times all week then she has no TV or computer on the weekend. She also cannot read durring the day until all her stuff is checked off (on time). Reading is her "thing". We have tried taking everything else away and this is the only thing that has worked.

I know it sounds harsh, but it has worked. The only other option was to take away everything (piano, girl scouts, softball).

 

[ORMom2Four]

Whenever our teens don't do a chore, we add another to their list that is harder and takes longer.

 

[NHdisneylover]

The list of chores is not something she has to do everyday. It's the list of things that she has to do when it is called for. i.e. if there is a pile of laundered clothes on your dresser you put them away. If not, DH is going to bag them up and she can earn them back. It takes five minutes to put the clothes away. I don't put DH's clothes away either. I pile it on our dresser and he puts his stuff away when he comes home.

It's not a lot of stuff to do. Nobody is asking her to cook, clean toilets, do laundry or be the maid. A lot of it is common sense. Oh there is clean dishes, I will put them away. It takes five minutes.
She is not expected to be the babysitter of her sister. We have never done that.
I know some people say to close the door to her room and ignore the mess but it impacts DH and I. Dust collects and stuff is all over the place and she can't find anything and then it's a big deal. Plus if the dog gets in there then she goes after the socks and dirty undies that were left on the floor.

OP--I understand your frustration--I really do I have an 11 year old and a 13 year old. DS11 is very forgetful and needs lots of reminders to get trhough the day and DD13 is full into the throws of hormones and bursts into tears or anry outbursts without warning (wait until taht hits and you will be missing the simple days of forgotten chores).
I highlighted your line about "common sense" because I think that you are really looking at this from an adult perspective (imagine that--you are an adult after all). Common sense to you is NOT common sense to an 11 year old. She is truly still learning that, and as others have posted likely extra forgetful because she is very busy AND her body is growing and changing a lot at this time. I think it would be MUCH easoer for her (after a few weeks to get used to it) to have a set routine of chores than to be expected to notice when something needs doing and then jump in to do it.

Personally, when I see that my child is truly not intentionally "forgetting" to do somethin but rather actually forettting or just not making it a priority, I make sure he does it but do not otherwise punish. For example, when she came in from school I would ask your DD if she got the dog poop. If not I would pleasantly tell her to on on back out and get it now then. Same with the dishses, etc.

I DO think the PP with three kids is right that it sounds like you are putting a lot on your DD. You mentioned YOU cannot do it all and I am sure it must be overwhelming for you. But, an 11 year old should not have to lessen her mother's burden. She can't help that she is the oldest and has little siblings. She has a lot on her own plate with school and sports and chores and children NEED unstructured downtime. Chores are good and I think you are correct to have her chip in, but I do not think it is out of line for her to need reminding (especially BEACUSE the chores are not set in stone at the same time every day things but rather things she is being expected to notice need done and then do--this is actaully much harder for a child). I would also cut my own kid some slack on a few things. If DS wants his folded clothes on top of the dresser in his room rather than putting them away--I don't really much care. It is his room and they are his clothes

Finally, if sports and TV are truly the ONLY things she has that she values i feel you may need to reconsider what is going on with her. Maybe she is a bit depressed and just not interested in anything or maybe you and your DH are not providing enough for her. Hopefully you are just not thinking about things. Does she have friends that she enjoys seeing outside of school/sports? Toys? Games? Nice bedding or special clothes she really likes? Enjoy desserts? I think of all the things my 11 year old has that he does value and the list is a lot longer than just TV (actualyl he doesn't care much for that) and ballet (his version of your DD's soccer). He has legos and playmobils and snap circuits, lots of board games, CDs and and iPOD, time with friends, dessert (this is big currency with him--he has quite the sweet tooth), a bike, etc.

 

[sunnyday123]

What really stood out to me is that she doesn't hang out with or talk to friends, and only does soccer and watches TV and that she's alone while you run to daycare to pick up the 3 year old. In my state, kids can't be left alone until they're 13. I think 11 is way too young to be able to remember don't open the door, etc. And she was dipping strawberries in chocolate? Was it pre melted chocolate? I would worry about her leaving the stove on, spilling the melted chocolate or just burning herself the old fashioned way.

Also, many have said it here, but 11 is way too young to remember to do common sense things. Heck, my kid is 12 and I have to remind her to brush her teeth which is about as common sense as you can get! Whether you realize it or not, I do think she's being given way too much to remember for her age and that it's because she's the oldest. Does the 3 year old help out at all? She can certainly do things as well. Help Mommy put the clothes in the dryer/washer, put the napkins on the table, etc.

Kids at 11 like everyone has said have the attention span of a gnat. You have to remind them to do stuff. They get it eventually.

 

[Tinijocaro]

Have you tried a "rewards" approach rather than a "punishment" approach? Set up something simple that you can live with and follow up on. Maybe if she does her chores for a week without forgetting, she can have a friend sleep over. Or for each week she does her chores she can earn some tv time back for just the next week-do it on a week by week basis. Or if she does her chores for 25 out of 30 days, she gets some type of reward.

maybe she'll respond better to a reward.

 

[clutter]

As for a list...these are the things that she is supposed to do:
pick up dog poop...you can't miss it...it's winter and snow is white, poop isn't; put away her washed and folded laundry that has been piled on her dresser (DH and I wash it, I fold it), wash dishes or put away washed dishes, pick up stuff in her room such as clothes she leaves on the floor. It's not a lot and all is not expected at once. It's just the small list of ongoing things that need to get done as needed.

You can ask her to do something and an hour later she hasn't done it because she "forgot" so I am not sure a list will even work. It's the same conversation over and over and DH and I are at a loss.

I've got a daughter like that!!!! At least, she was at 11.

Yes, this has EVERYTHING to do with being 11. Here's what I did with some of what you're complaining about. For laundry, I bought more laundry baskets. Just put her clean clothes in there, and the basket in her room. (Crap, you just reminded me that she's got two game, two uniforms, tomorrow and I have to get a load done tonight!!!) Dishes, I'd just remind her again and again to empty the dishwasher. Sorry, I can't start dinner because I won't be able to clean it up after if the dishwasher isn't emptied. (ok, it helps that it's just us two.)

But here's the real point of the story. TODAY.

My dd is now turning 13. She took whatever class they used to call Home Ec this year. Now, she's telling ME to pick up better after myself. I just laugh. She'll point out that I left my hand lotion in the middle of the kitchen counter, when she's got books, shoes etc strewn all over the family room! She'll tell me I need to do such and so, but it took her 3 days to put together a load of laundry that she asked me to wash.

Anyway, she's at a point where she is taking a lot more responsibility, and is noticing a lot more. When she does, which is not all the time.

It's a learning process. I laugh about it, I make her laugh about it and we muddle through.

Good luck, it's a wonderful and horrible age.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

There are a lot of great ideas in this thread...

 

[sbell111]

I remember being around that age. My parents used to get crazed that I kept forgetting my chores, also. Punishment did not correct teh problem. It only made me sulk around, not doing my chores.

What resolved the issue is the implementation of a chore board. Once that was implemented, I was able to remember to check the board every day and knock out those assigned tasks. The quicker that they were knocked out, the quicker that I could do stuff that I wanted to do. Everyone was happy.

 

[okeydokey]

I think structure is the key here. Think of everything we all do everyday that is just routine to us. When you get up from the dinner table you pick up a plate. Before bed you brush your teeth. If things are routine they are easier to remember. Insert these jobs into her everyday routine so that the habit becomes ingrained. A written list or schedule would be a good start.

It doesn't sound like she's being defiant on purpose, she just hasn't yet incorporated the chores into her everyday life.

 

[padams]

She's 11, give her a break. She is just a child. If the only things she has in life that are of value to her are soccer and TV, you and her father really need to rethink her life. Where are the friends, time to hang out and be a kid, etc.? If you take away soccer, she only has TV (and school)? Think about that... she doesn't sound like a happy child to me.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

She's 11, give her a break. She is just a child. If the only things she has in life that are of value to her are soccer and TV, you and her father really need to rethink her life. Where are the friends, time to hang out and be a kid, etc.? If you take away soccer, she only has TV (and school)? Think about that... she doesn't sound like a happy child to me.

Whether or not I can say she is happy or not you bring up a good point.

The choice to have any control of in her life or get attention from parents on a personal level is to not do the chores in the house.

Sort of like the "negative attention" deal. If I do the chores, I am ignored and not rewarded. If I don't do them, I get attention from mom and dad even if it is negative.

Normally I would not bring that up however since you say there are younger siblings in the picture it is certainly a possiblity. She may not even realize she is doing it to gain attention.

OP, you must give her a schedule to work with & not "bark" chores at your convenience. To do anything less is setting your household up for conflict and tension. It is a negative path to start walking.

If you want her to be organized & helpful, you must do it first.

 

[Duckyiam71]

I am sorry I have only read thru the first page. My children have to do their homework first then move on to chores. They know if they do not finish they get no use of tv,ds,wii or computer. Something I saw another parent do at soccer was working and I tried it once. If they did not finish chores or homework, they went to soccer and sat on the sidelines and did not play. The child I saw was mad the whole time. My son had not finished his homework so he had to do his homework while sitting on the bleachers. It does not work for everybody but it is worth a try. Good luck!

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I have a 9yo and 7yo who are MORE than capable of doing what is asked of them (or told of them) and they like to "forget" as well.

I then forget that they want to do things and remove privileges.

My children would be happy if they had a maid. I am not able to make them happy in that manner.

My kids do the kitty litter, dishes when requested, and laundry when requested. Of course they hate to do anything.

What is funny--my 9yo could scrub something sparkling clean and even totally reorganized my laundry closet.

My 7yo likes to be a DIVA and always always always balks when she has to do a task.

It is frustrating.

Bottom line--if your child is not pulling their weight, you as a parent do not have to pull yours. Giving her extras and allowing time with friends is just negatively reinforcing that it is okay for her to not do what you asked.

As for chocolate covered strawberries--in my household, if a child begins something of choice in lieu of a chore, I will have them stop what they are doing and go do that chore. IF their "project" is ruined due to the delay, I then apologize and tell them to do their chore as quickly as possible to avoid at that outcome.

I will say that I hate chores myself--even worse while pregnant. I was a "slave" to my parents in my youth. So I try not to make my kids do things that are unfare (such as the entire household of laundry alone or rising at 5am to prep my coffee for my day as I had to do).

I try to keep in tune with what they should be able to do and can do for their age and go from there.

My house is not the prettiest--but by golly, when my child loses a shoe, I Don't have sypmathy for them for losing it.

 

[englishteacha]

As a middle school teacher, it sounds like your daughter has a very full plate. Soccer 4-5 days a week, curling and b-ball right after school, planned family events on the weekend. I'm sure she has some homework as well. I think it might be time to start looking at everything she's doing. She seems overprogrammed to me. Not that the activities she does are bad, and I totally agree that family time is important, but look at her week. When does she get to be a kid and have some unstructured time?

I agree that "forgetting" to do her chores is not OK, and there should be a consequence. Maybe if she doesn't clean up after your dog, she has to clean up the whole neighborhood (think walking around the block with a garbage bag and shovel!). If she doesn't do the dishes, have her stop what she's doing and do them right then, even if it means she's late to soccer/b-ball/curling. You can talk to her coaches when you bring her late. I'd actually talk to them now and be proactive. Tell them you're having some trouble with her following the house rules and she might be late.

I know in our school, if a student gets a detention and is late to practice, they have to run an extra lap or something as a consequence. If they get a detention for a game day, they aren't allowed to play. It's amazing how much that impacts them when they see the teachers and coaches working together. If she knows you and her coaches want the best for her, then she might think a bit more before she acts.

 

[KiKi Mouse]

What really stood out to me is that she doesn't hang out with or talk to friends, and only does soccer and watches TV and that she's alone while you run to daycare to pick up the 3 year old. In my state, kids can't be left alone until they're 13. I think 11 is way too young to be able to remember don't open the door, etc. And she was dipping strawberries in chocolate? Was it pre melted chocolate? I would worry about her leaving the stove on, spilling the melted chocolate or just burning herself the old fashioned way.

Also, many have said it here, but 11 is way too young to remember to do common sense things. Heck, my kid is 12 and I have to remind her to brush her teeth which is about as common sense as you can get! Whether you realize it or not, I do think she's being given way too much to remember for her age and that it's because she's the oldest. Does the 3 year old help out at all? She can certainly do things as well. Help Mommy put the clothes in the dryer/washer, put the napkins on the table, etc.

Kids at 11 like everyone has said have the attention span of a gnat. You have to remind them to do stuff. They get it eventually.

Her circle of friends is the other soccer girls. Other than that there are a couple at school that don't play soccer that she hangs out with. Keep in mind she has a practice, 1-2 games, high performance training 2x...all in a week. She has been with this group of girls for a few years now and they are good bunch of kids.
Occasionally she will go to a movie with non soccer kids. It's harder here in the winter as they can't ride their bikes or play outside.

As for leaving her alone while I go to daycare. I wait until she is out of school, if she has a lot of stuff to bring home then she calls and I pick her up. Otherwise she walks home. She is allowed to be alone and she is even old enough to take the babysitting course. She isn't allowed to babysit until she is 12 which is in six months. She wanted to take the babysitting course last month and we told her NO. She doesn't have time to babysit people's kids and I don't think she realizes what is involved in that. Plus I would be very restrictive in who's house she could go to for that. I don't like the idea of her being somewhere in the evening. She is alone for the 30 min it takes me to get to the daycare and back. During that time she is to do homework if there is any if not then she can watch TV and do chores.

She was using the microwave to melt chocolate. She doesn't use the stove if nobody is home.

She likes soccer and she is always given the choice. We just signed her up for outdoor season and we asked her once again if that is what she wanted. That means two teams plus her high performance academy training.
She also likes her school activities and signs up for everything at school.

For the people who think we should just let her "be a kid". Do your kids not have to do chores at all? I don't think it is unreasonable to clean up after yourself or help contribute to the household cleaning. Again, her list is pretty short. Nobody is asking her to wash windows or make beds or do laundry etc.
I do expect her to notice that things need to be done though.
An example is the other day one of her rolls of pro wrap appeared on the table on the way to the second floor. It sat and sat for days. She walked by it numerous times never noticing that she had left it there. I finally took it up to her room. Do you think it is too much to ask her to put her own stuff away that she left out? I don't think so.

And I will not turn a blind eye to dirty clothes on the floor of her bedroom. I don't care if it is hers and she wants to live in dust bunnies. It's not healthy and it's not unreasonable to expect somebody to put their laundered clothes away. If she never put them away then the pile would grow and grow and it would be even more of a mess.

And no, I cannot do it all nor should I. At 11 she is capable of doing the small chores around the house here. We explained to her two weeks ago during another one of these conversations that if we have to do everything then it takes time away from other things that have to get done.
It takes 5 minutes to put clean dishes away. It only takes a couple of minutes to pick up dog poop. The dog is a miniature dacshund and due to the extreme cold temperatures she only goes outside to go to the bathroom. Yesterday was warmer -10C and we asked her to take the dog for a walk when she got home. It would have taken her 10 minutes as I told her just to go down the lane and around the front street. The dog can't handle too much else due to the snow and ice.

She isn't being defiant on purpose. She just always says "I forgot" and "I don't know". She has good marks at school so she can't be forgetting stuff there and I am sure she doesn't write 'I don't know' as an answer on tests.

Last month she came home wanting an Ipod Touch because so-n-so has one. We talked about it and said no because she is not responsible enough. She forgets stuff at school etc. We told her when she does what she is asked to do and can prove she can look after her stuff we would consider something like that. The other day she asked me for an iPhone. I showed her my cell phone which is a bare basics one. I asked her why she wanted an iPhone and she said because one of the other kids has one. I don't know who she would call since she is either home or with us for the most part. She is not at the age where she is going out with friends alone. When she has gone to a movie I have given her our phone in case something comes up.

 

[KiKi Mouse]

I am sorry I have only read thru the first page. My children have to do their homework first then move on to chores. They know if they do not finish they get no use of tv,ds,wii or computer. Something I saw another parent do at soccer was working and I tried it once. If they did not finish chores or homework, they went to soccer and sat on the sidelines and did not play. The child I saw was mad the whole time. My son had not finished his homework so he had to do his homework while sitting on the bleachers. It does not work for everybody but it is worth a try. Good luck!

My friend did that with their kid. They pulled her out of basketball for 3 months until her marks improved. He suggested she dresses for soccer but she sits on the bench the entire game and then afterwards we can tell her why. It's rather pointless right now though because we are in indoor playoffs and only have a couple of games left. After this it will just be training until outdoor season starts.

She signs up for these school things on her own and we have always worked it out schedule wise etc. Now she is going to have to come to us to discuss it and if she is doing her chores etc. then she can sign up. Basketball ends on Monday and curling ends in a couple of weeks. We didn't schedule those things for her, she wanted to do them. We don't schedule any of the sports as I have said before, she gets the choice. If she wants to play soccer then she has to make the effort and that means getting up early if necessary and making it the priority out of her activities.
We don't have as many scheduled family times as you may think. This weekend is an exception with the Disney on Ice thing. My in laws like to have us over for games night and with our schedules we have to set aside dates.
I work shift work but I am off on medical leave now until I start maternity leave at the end of the month. Therefore I have been home 24/7 since the 15th. Normally when I am working nights/weekends etc. DH is on his own. Being off work now allows me to have more housework done and meals on the table which is something a lot of people probably take for granted.

DD is a good kid and she has a really kind side to her. If we can get this one thing straightened out then things should be on a good roll.

 

[rie'smom]

I wonder has she started her period yet? If not, this may be coming. I say this because I've noticed that for some reason when girls are about to go through this, they become very forgetful.

Another thought- You and your husband should sit down and have an honest to goodness discussion with her. Tell her that she is expected to do her chores, write up a chart and put it on the fridge, on the door to her room, and where ever else she will notice it. Then say that she has a couple of weeks to get with the program. If she can't accept her responsibilities, then she'll have to quit soccer.

I agree with you that she is old enough to have responsibilities. Will she still slip up? Probably and as long as it is occasional, let it go but if she keeps forgetting to do her chores, stick to her losing soccer. It's so important to get kids to realize early on that there are things expected of them. Too many kids think the world is waiting for them with open arms and when they grow up, they can't handle the fact that it isn't. We as parents have to teach our kids to leave the nest. Accepting repsonsibility as a child is so important because it will lead to her becoming a responsible adult.

 

[Nicolepa]

I don't think it's unreasonable for you to expect her to do chores, but it is unreasonable for you to expect her to remember on her own. I've come to the conclusion w/my daughter that it's just her personality to "forget". I really think you need to make a very detailed list for her. Here is a sample of one day of my daughters list. She checks the things off as she does them and every week I update the few changes and print a new one. It has saved a lot of yelling and punishment in our house....


7:15 Up
Dressed
Teeth
Room

7:30 Feed Minnie
7:35 Eat Breakfast
7:50 Walk Minnie
8:05 Shoes On
8:10 Leave for school

3:20 Snack
3:45 Walk Minnie
4:00 Recycle
4:05 Empty Bin
4:10 Piano
4:25 Make Lunch
4:40 Homework

5:40 Free Time

6:30 Dinner
7:00 Ready for Bed


Like I said I know it sounds harsh and I'm not a stickler for the rules (but she doesn't know that) as long as she is trying but before the list she was "forgetting" to do everything. If she finished everything on time she can stay up until 8:30 and read in bed until 9. Otherwise she has to be in bed at 7:30 w/the lights out.

She knows that room means clothes in laundry, bed made, room "vacuum ready". If your daughter is working on that then I would add those things specifically to the list.

 

[auntie]

OMG....she's ELEVEN! You expect this..you expect that. Choose your battles. Yes, you may win this one...but you are gonna loose the war down the road. Will it be worth it.? All for dog poop and laundry? ..Only you can answer that. There are more hormones flying around that house..and most of them are yours. Baby number three is on the way and you're feeling overwhelmed...and rightfully so. Only, IT"S NOT HER FAULT. She's doing what every eleven year old does. You just don't like that it isn't falling in line with what you want...when you want it. Welcome to parenthood..and it doesn't get any easier.

Be happy she's just forgeting about dog poop and laundry. Her grades are good, she participates in sports..she does her homework. Seriously, you expect her to anticipate ...and be enlightened enough to see what needs to be done? SHE"S BEING ELEVEN! While what is left on the stairs isn't going to walk itself up the stairs..so for goodness sake ASK her to take it up. Don't expect that she's gonna care..that it's there, and she should know it needs to be brought upstairs. Those expectations are unrealistic and your setting her up for yet another dissapointement.
I'm all for repsonsibilities..and the family sharing in them. Only don't expect your eleven year old to do YOUR job. If you want her to do something..ask and wait until she does it. If you need to give her a list..she's got too much to do. When you need a hand,.. ask her to lend one. Again..she's not sharing chores with other siblings..she's the only with chores. Big difference.