dd wants to come home from school already!!

[mareb66297]

Our oldest dd 18 just left for college last week. she called home last night and said she hates it there and wants to come home. she is just staring classes this morning, so i'm hoping they will get her mind busy and get her from being so homesick.
she is rooming with her best friend, so it;s not like she is there alone! but i think she is so schocked that she is homesick!! she couldn't wait to leave for school to " get away frm us" !!
does any other college parents out ther that have dealt with this? and if so what can we do to make it eaiser for her and of course make her stay there???

 

[Pop Daddy]

she is just home sick, she will be ok

 

[pumba]

and if she still feels that way........then she can withdraw and maybe just lose a little money........I know that some kids are so bad that they are better off staying home and going to a local college.......just ask her to give it a few .........I do feel so bad for her

 

[MinnieMe2]

Oh, boy, I know how you feel! When our youngest son left for school, I never expected any problems. He'd always been very social, easy-going, and level-headed. His first year, he came home almost every weekend. I think part of the problem was his room situation. The college had over-enrolled the freshman class, so they put four kids in a room meant for two. It was like cramming four six-foot tall sardines into a sardine can!! At any rate, Jamie applied to transfer to a couple of other art schools and was accepted at both. He made Dean's List, so his grades were fine. But then, in his second semester, the calls started to ease up a bit and he spent a few weekends at school. He returned to Hartford for his sophomore year, this time in an apartment on campus, and that was it -- no phone calls, no trips home. This summer, he's living in an apartment in Hartford, he has a girlfriend, and he's looking forward to his junior year.

I think, for some kids, freshman year can be tough. I always talked with James, listened to him, and encouraged him to give it one semester. I supported him when he applied to different schools. (And frankly, since he's an art major, I still wish he'd gone to Rhode Island School of Design!) A week or two in a strange place, even with a best friend to hold you up, can be overwhelming. How far away is she? Could you maybe go have dinner with her some evening, or spend an afternoon getting those little overlooked items for her room? Just let her know you're there, but don't overdo it! This is the trickiest time in a mother's life, I think. We've given our kids roots, and now they have to spread their wings. Once dd starts classes and makes a few friends, she'll probably be just fine. And then -- so will you.

Meantime, cyberhugs to you from me -- and good luck!

 

[Kallison]

Sometimes rooming with the best friend isn't the best idea. They don't branch out and meet other people. Just about everyone I know was miserable freshman year, try and make her stick it out. It will get better.

 

[Blueeyes101817]

that was me last year.....i went about 2 or 3 hours from home to a university in scranton PA....i absolutely hate it...i thought that it was just homesickness, but i ended up transferring after the first semester..now i am living at home and commuting to a local university..its cheaper and i getto live at home and work at my normal job...

From experience, tell her get involved in something--i did apopt a grandparent program--it made the time go faster when i h ad a huge chunk of time before, between, or after classes....
also, if she has a car, when she is feeling upset, tell her drive off campus for a bit, to a mall or something like that...its good to get off the campus

Tell her to try some things to see if they work, and if she is miseralbe in a few weeks, then have her look into transferring if thats what she wants to do...i waited until after first semester, but in mid november started getting paper work together

I feel so bad for her because i know exactly how it is...this year im starting my 2nd year of college living at home Good luck to the both of you..

sorry so long

 

[mareb66297]

thank you so much for you replies!!! she is only an hour away so we will be seeing her alot, but i don't want to go down too much!!i do think you are right Kallison, they are just holed up in their room together!!! i told them get out and walk around campus, see what there is to do.
thanks again fo the thoughts!!!

 

[Serena]

Good luck

 

[mareb66297]

Blueeyes101817
you were right near me!! the u of s is about 20 min from me!!! they can;t have a car first year so that can be part of the problem too, they are used to jumping in it when ever they want or are bored!!

 

[DMickey28]

I hated my first year.

I am 26 now and looking at applying to Law School. My first semester is going to kill me on my GPA admission requirements.

I too roomed with my best friend. I had moved in high school, three hours away, but we remained close. I went to college three hours from home with no idea what I wanted to do. I was miserable. I didn't go out, I didn't want to. I went home every weekend. I wanted to withdraw and my parents wanted me to stick out the first semester. I did and endedup with a .90 GPA, I like my writing class. I didn't go back the fall and then went back to the same school for one semester and transfered to a smaller Community college back home. Six years later I graduated from the frist school with three semesters of 3.5 or higher GPA and that first semester of .90... my overal was a 2.7, not what Law Schools are looking for.

You are the only one who knows your daughter. Chances are that she will get into it in a few weeks. If not, please don't force her...if you feel confident that she knows a degree is essential to her future and trust that she wants to and will get it, let her figure it out in her own time. I have a degree I don't want and a GPA that is low as a result.... a good essay topic of perserverance but some schools looks strictly at numbers.

Good Luck... I am sure she will be fine, she just needs to figure it out. Does she do sports, art, drama? Encourage her to join a team or try out for something....

Is it a large school, or smaller?

Oh, and I am no longer friends with my "best Friend". She took it personal that I was miserable and she couldn't cheer me up and it took a toll on our friendship... i miss her and it's sad.

Again, Good Luck

 

[KarenC]

We were going through this last year at this time. Based upon advice we'd received from the college counselor at the high school and things I'd read, we told our daughter that she could transfer, but she had to give it a year. We set February as a target to determine if she could make it work. When February came, I wasn't certain how things would work out. But she's back at school now and was really ready to get back there!

What your daughter is going through is normal. I'd encourage her to do everything she can to meet new people--sometimes friends from home can be a crutch that inhibit settling in and meeting new people. It's important for her to find her niche on campus and once she does, she'll be fine.

I waited a month before going to visit her. She's a lot further away (6+ hours). But I did talk to her on the phone just about every day (and still do). I sent lots of care packages with enough food for her to share. Once I sent frozen pizzas from her favorite pizza place at home so she could have a pizza party with her new friends.

My heart breaks for you, I know how hard it is to parent a freshman who's grieving her old life. Hang in there! It will get better!

 

[hoosll]

The summer before she left for college was the worst that we ever had with our daughter - "I hate you", "I can't wait to leave here" - all phrases that we heard as she made the transition to leaving home.

There are lots of things happening in his/her life -
1. In the hierarchy of life they are now back at the bottom - from senior to Freshman and depending on how status-oriented they were in high school it can be a big drop.

2. Same goes for sports and extracurricular - suddenly you are competing against upperclassmen for a spot again

3. Lack of creature comforts and privacy - many kids don't know how to share a room or a bathroom, do their own laundry, get themselves to meals, handle their time, sleep, etc.

4. Some kids are overwhelmed by the size of a school - are they looking for a chance to "start over" and be anonymous at a new school or is it important that they make friends quickly and "fit in" which may be easier at a smaller school.

My 2 kids were totally different in nature - we sent both to private colleges - one small, one medium. Our daughter wanted to "start over" and redefine herself - she did great, joined a sorority which gave her a "family of friends" and a group that would watch over her. Our son went to a very small college where he felt he could stand out immediately, get to know everyone including his professors on a first name basis. He regrets not going to a larger school with a football heritage but he finished in 4 years with few problems - something that he would not have accomplished in a larger school where he would have felt lost. A college degree is the goal here - with it you can open doors and prove yourself, don't fall into the trap of only looking at prestige colleges.

Be understanding of the situation but also firm that he/she needs to stick it out week to week. Don't give in to a visit home for a few more weeks but talk about a future visit.

A couple of pieces of advice for parents of kids going to college next year-
1. Steer them away from schools where all their friends are going- college is not an extension of high school. Encourage them to try new things including a roommate.

2. Never send a freshman to school with a car. It is just too distracting and they will be on the road every weekend and probably driving people around during the week. One of the best ways to make friends is to find out who has a car and make friends with them, often it is an upperclassman who can show them the ropes. If they are too independent then they never get the chance to experience dependence on others which is an importatnt life lesson.

3. You be in charge of finding colleges - you know your child - don't be swayed by the hype of lists or the gab from other parents - ask yourself
a. How far away should he/she be - we wanted 4 hours so that we could get there and bac in a day but that none of us would be tempted to make the trip constantly
b. Size of the school and classes - does the child have a need to connect with teachers and ask lots of questions, get positive reinforcement from adults - then a smaller school with smaller classes will work best
c. Make a contract with your kids - we will pay for 8 semesters of college, if at any time you choose to drop out, the contract must be re-negotiated and funding may be withdrawn - coming home to live is not an option. If you cannot make up your mind on a major and therefore you waste a semester or 2, then you pay for any semesters over 8. Our daughter changed her major 3 times (pre-med to gov't to public admin) and still finished in 4 years but this can be hard if classes are not offered frequently - if your child wants to suddenly change majors - sit down with them and go over the required classes to make sure that it will not add years to your commitment.
d. How much can I afford to support this child in addition to tuition, room and board - be clear what you are paying for and what the child must pay for. All the money the kids earned in the summer became their college spending money when it was gone they were expected to get a campus job to earn more spending money.
e. Will your child be allowed to live off-campus - what are the choices in the town where colleges are located. Our son spent 4 years in dorms because it was best for him to be on campus at all times. Our duaghter was also on campus for 4 years - 2 in a sorority house (like a dorm). You may feel like it is a decision that you can make later but believe me - by Xmas Freshman year they will be asking to live in an apartment their sophmore year - most kids are not used to the communal atmosphere of the dorms and they want OUT.

 

[Pin Wizard]

I'm with Jen. Stick it out for the semester. If she's still miserable, she can transfer to a school near home.

 

[mickyzzzzz05]

We have 3 children and the youngest (20) is in her junior year. The oldest girl (now 24) came down the steps crying the first day of her senior year in high school and when asked what was wrong she sobbed, "This is the last, first day of school for me in high school."

I knew it was going to be a loooong year. She was happy in school but emotional about the change that would be taking place for her when she started college.

She went to a college 4 hours from home. I called her every day 2 or 3 times and sometimes spent over an hour on the phone with her. I mostly just listened and let her talk and kept telling her that it would get better. I visited her during the 2nd week and stayed overnight, taking her out to eat.

Pretty soon when I called she would either be out of the dorm room and I would leave a message or when she answered she would talk for a couple minutes and say, "Hey, so and so is here or I have to get going".
After my visit the calls went down to once a day and after the first couple weeks it ended up that we were talking to each other about 2 or 3 times a week and leaving messages the rest of the time.

So when the other 2 children started college I used the calling 2 to 3 times a day until they were "too involved " to talk to me. I let them vent but tried to just keep the positive points foremost in the conversation. It may not work for everyone but it worked for us.

Wishing you all the best

 

[mareb66297]

thanks for all the good advice!!! since this is our oldest daughter, this is our first time going through all this. and we had our daughter when we were very young, so all our friends have children that are still young. we are the first ones to go though this, with no where to turn for help. thank you thank you thank you too all of you for your supprort!!!

 

[SC Minnie]

She is just starting classes this week, right??? Her impression will greatly change as she gets into class and starts meeting other people. They will have activities starting and encourage her and her friend to go-- but to go by herself if her friend doesn't want to. Encourage her to meet people in her classes-- offer to exchange #'s with people in case they need a study partner or notes from a missed class. Make sure she gives it at least a semester. It sounds like she is bored right now. Once classes start she will have much more to do and will meet more people.

 

[hercamore]

Yes, I agree with the other posters! Giver her some time to adjust! Be calm and supportive when she calls, but do not suggest coming home.

I have a DD who is very shy and has just started her 3rd year at Univ of MN TC. She had a tought time the first year, but she is very happy now and loves school. She was only home for two weeks this summer. She stayed in Mpls and worked all summer.

One thing I would suggest is sending some mail to her every week for awhile. Something simple from Target like fancy pens, pencils, notepads, fastfood coupons.

My DS just started grad school today in Michigan. We live in MN, so it's quite a change for him. His first assignment is to teach 3 classes of computer science!. He's only 23. He's has some adjusting to do with moving and leaving his family and gf.

Good luck, herc.

 

[KarenC]

Originally posted by hercamore
I have a DD who is very shy and has just started her 3rd year at Univ of MN TC. She had a tought time the first year, but she is very happy now and loves school. She was only home for two weeks this summer. She stayed in Mpls and worked all summer.

My DD is also at the U...it seems like a tough place to break into, but once they do, they like it.

The parent contact wrote a good book for parents of college students. It sure helped get me through those panicked phone calls!

You're on Your Own (but I'm here if you need me) Mentoring Your Child During the College Years by Marjorie Savage

It's published by Simon & Schuster and the list price is $13.

 

[C.Ann]

This happened with my niece.. She was only away to college for a week when she called her parents crying her eyes out and saying that she wanted to come home.. For some reason she kept saying that she had a "bad feeling" about the school and that it wasn't the right place for her.. Due to distance and work schedules, her parents weren't able to just go and get her so they told her to stick it out for one more week and if she still felt the same they would come and get her on the weekend.. A few days later my niece's roommate called her parents and reported that she was crying all the time, had stopped eating and couldn't sleep.. Once they heard that they both called into work and drove all night to pick her up..

She came back home, went to an excellent local college (Dean's list all the way) and is now happily employed in her choice of careers and planning her wedding for next fall..

I think some kids just aren't cut out to "go away" to college, although initially they think that's what they would like to do.. You know your DD best so listen to what she's saying, talk to her roommate for a moment if you can, and make your decision from there..

Best of luck to all of you!

 

[Pam]

Boy - can I relate!!
We dropped our DD off at college last week, too. She's a freshman as well. She left behind a BF of almost 4 years, who is a Junior at the local University.


She called the 2nd day down there - pretty homesick and just downright bored and lonely. She's in an all-girl dorm in a single room. Friday was a very rough day for her - but she kept repeating, "I will be fine when classes start on Monday. I will be fine when classes start on Monday."

2 boys from her HS senior class are also enrolled at the college, so on Sat. I called one of the Moms and got their phone number. They are rooming together. My DD gave them a call, turns out they are in a dorm just 2 or 3 bldgs. down from her. They met and had lunch and she had to laugh as both boys are very quiet and reserved and had ventured out less than my DD.

Also on Sat. 2 girls who graduated a year ahead of DD in HS, and who are both sophmores at the college called her and came and took her to the mall and to their apartment. This perked her spirits up immensely.

I just got an email from my DD saying that her first class was over, she met a girl she liked and that she had received her pillow in the mail and was heading out to change her meal plan.

I think the first month will be the roughest - but hopefully both of our DDs will just fine.