DD starts kindergarten soon---I think I'm losing it...

[MaggieMoo'sMom]

Okay, I will be the first to admit that I have issues from childhood. I do not know who the idiot is that came up with the saying "Stick and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." Words do hurt. For a very long time, obviously. I have always be particular about the way I dress my DD5. Not because I am rich, or snobby, or even chic, but because I was made fun of as a child. Let me say I was scorned. I never want her to feel that pain that I felt, or the self-consciousness I still feel. I am very careful to talk to her about people's feelings, and not talking (bragging) about what she has, etc. I say all of this to say I am terrified for her to go to school. I want her to be loved and appreciated for everything thing she is, her fun-loving, smart little self.
I am finding myself already obessed with her backpack, lunchbox, napmat, new tennis shoes in the box in her closet, etc. All of those things I have already bought. PLEASE do not flame me or tell me to see a shrink! I just need empathizers out there...anyone else been through this!?! I know adults can be just as cruel as children, so I am worried about them, too... I just love her so much, and I want her to be shielded from the harshness of the world for a little longer...

 

[Tink888]

Okay, I will be the first to admit that I have issues from childhood. I do not know who the idiot is that came up with the saying "Stick and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." Words do hurt. For a very long time, obviously. I have always be particular about the way I dress my DD5. Not because I am rich, or snobby, or even chic, but because I was made fun of as a child. Let me say I was scorned. I never want her to feel that pain that I felt, or the self-consciousness I still feel. I am very careful to talk to her about people's feelings, and not talking (bragging) about what she has, etc. I say all of this to say I am terrified for her to go to school. I want her to be loved and appreciated for everything thing she is, her fun-loving, smart little self.
I am finding myself already obessed with her backpack, lunchbox, napmat, new tennis shoes in the box in her closet, etc. All of those things I have already bought. PLEASE do not flame me or tell me to see a shrink! I just need empathizers out there...anyone else been through this!?! I know adults can be just as cruel as children, so I am worried about them, too... I just love her so much, and I want her to be shielded from the harshness of the world for a little longer...

I'm not trying to flame you so I hope it won't come across that way. You aren't alone in your feelings.....every parent who sends their first child off to kindergarten feels exactly the same way. We want them to fit in, to be liked and to never be hurt. There is nothing wrong with doing everything you can to help them along.

From your post though, and I'm sure you want everyone to like her for who she is, you sound very focused on what she has.

It is a harsh reality that every child, regardless of what they wear, have, etc. will be hurt by the words of another child. That's just the way things are. Even the most liked person in the world is disliked by someone.

Coming from someone who is also painfully aware of how cruel kids can be, the best thing you can do for your daughter is to teach her to love herself, to let things roll off her back, be kind and learn to laugh at herself and life.

Nothing wrong with wanting her to have and giving her all the "right" things, but if you focus on those things too much, no matter how much you may tell her to act toward others, you are teaching her that those things are what's important, to notice those things about others and judge people based on those things.

 

[dislaney]

Okay, I will be the first to admit that I have issues from childhood. I do not know who the idiot is that came up with the saying "Stick and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." Words do hurt. For a very long time, obviously. I have always be particular about the way I dress my DD5. Not because I am rich, or snobby, or even chic, but because I was made fun of as a child. Let me say I was scorned. I never want her to feel that pain that I felt, or the self-consciousness I still feel. I am very careful to talk to her about people's feelings, and not talking (bragging) about what she has, etc. I say all of this to say I am terrified for her to go to school. I want her to be loved and appreciated for everything thing she is, her fun-loving, smart little self.
I am finding myself already obessed with her backpack, lunchbox, napmat, new tennis shoes in the box in her closet, etc. All of those things I have already bought. PLEASE do not flame me or tell me to see a shrink! I just need empathizers out there...anyone else been through this!?! I know adults can be just as cruel as children, so I am worried about them, too... I just love her so much, and I want her to be shielded from the harshness of the world for a little longer...

First let me say I am sorry that you were made fun of as a child! Now please take a deep breath - your daughter will be okay. It sounds like you are trying to be a great mother and are raising your child well. We can't protect our children from everything, but we can be there for them if something bad does happen. Trust me you can not shield her from everything.

I remember sending my first one to kindergarten and being so nervous for her and you know what she was just fine. I know the day was harder for me than it was for her.

 

[wdwiala]

Some random thoughts. I have DD9 and DD12

I had a difficult time in school. I moved quite a bit and never fit in. Quite a bit of my troubles were because I never could break into years old friend groups. Also, I was kind of a dork. My mother dressed me in coullots and jelly shoes. I'm still holding a grudge.. It was hard.

I will tell you this though: I have friends who have children with all of the benefits of money and station. Those kids have difficult times too. It runs across the board.

I haven't worried too much about my own children though. They make friends so quickly. It it seems that if your daughter is having a difficult time, you might want to try involving her in some groups outside of school. Things that she is interested in. Library, museum, church, sport groups. Get to know some of the other mothers that you have things in common with. Even little kids network! That just makes for more familiar faces at school. It really isnt the clothes and extras around here. Please dont let her think things matter so much.

I have a niece who wore wife beater tanks most every day last year. They were her favorite. So, we let her do it. Even though we wanted to curl her hair and stick her in the latest style. And you know what? She is a happy kid, with friends. I've even seen her wearing some cute stuff this summer. It's all coming around!

My DD 12 is heading for jr. high. She has a couple of close friends and isn't in the huge school clique. I am way more than ok about that. Those kids have a new drama and boyfriend every week. DD12 hasn't missed a thing by staying out of that. I've told her friendship is a quality not a quantity thing. She agrees.

And yes, sometimes she gets hurt inside. It's going to happen. I jokingly asked her last year "how's school? Does everyone love you? Are they all sweet to you?". Frankly, I was shocked when she teared up and said that it had been a hard week. We talked the troubles out and tried to work out some solutions. I am so glad that I can be there for her. I never felt comfortable telling my mother my school/friend troubles.

DD9 tends to fixiate on a new "best friend" every year. These best friends always want to play with other kids instead. It hurts her feelings. Somehow, I can't seem to get her to branch out! We are working on it. These things are processes.

Anyway! I guess what I am trying to say is that the hurt is going to happen somewhere along the way. That is the way life goes. I hope that your daughter has a smoother road that you ( I imagine that she will). Isn't that what we all hope for? When these times come, she will be fortunate to have a loving mother who can empathise with her and love her through it.

 

[Spoonful of Sugar]

As someone who was also picked on as a child and has a daughter now, I understand where you're coming from. I think, however, that you're concentrating on the wrong thing. I'm sure that as my DD gets older I'll have to remind myself of my own advise often, and that advise is to stop trying to control how others treat your child and instead focus on giving her what she needs to keep a healthy self esteem regardless of what others think. As long as you maintain a close relationship with her and handle any bullying well, I think she will do just fine. Sure, dress your kid nice if you want to (I know I love dressing my DD) but keep the emphasis on family relationships and she'll find her self worth reflected in what you think of her more than what other kids think. At least I hope so, because that's my plan with my DD!

 

[MaggieMoo'sMom]

Thanks for all the great responses. I know you guys are completely right. My focus is way off here. We are a normal, middle class family, and we do not live beyond our means. NO credit cards, etc... I had to scrimp and save for months for our May trip. I DO NOT want my dd to turn like the "entitled mean girls" who have caused me such grief. I must find a middle between my high waters and too much Gymboree...LOL. Thanks for talking me through it. I am just scared for her.

 

[usnuzuloose]

If I may ask how does she feel? Is she anxious, scared? Or is she telling you she will be ok and wants to go? Are there other girls that she plays with also starting school? I would say if she is ok, then relax and know she will be fine.

We mothers all feel and want the same for our children. I had to learn and let go. Mine did fine. Take a deep breath and relax. You will hear all about her first day when she gets home. Jo

 

[polkadotsuitcase]

We mothers all feel and want the same for our children. I had to learn and let go. Mine did fine. Take a deep breath and relax. You will hear all about her first day when she gets home. Jo

OP, you'll both do fine. It's natural to feel nervous -- but if you've done your job so far, she'll stand on her own and you'll be there to help her through any bumps. That's your job -- you'll do fine! It's okay for kids to struggle sometimes; it's how we grow.

Reminds me of my friend's kids. They were raising chickens and they were watching them hatch. One chick was struggling to get out of the shell. The little boy went to assist, but his sister stopped him. "He knows what to do," she said. She told him the chick needed to successfully work this out so he'd be strong enough to do the other things in life. She's right!

 

[powellrj]

I grew up wearing home-made clothes when I was a kid. My dream was to wear a store bought outfit! These were very well made clothes, but they were still home made. My mom thought I was the cutest little thing to hit town, while I just wanted to look like the other kids and wear store bought clothes.

Fast forward to my own DD. I had her in all the cute matching Gymboree, Childrens Place outfits and thought she was the cutest thing to hit town. I will never forget the disappointment when at the end of K, she told me she no longer wanted to look cute, she wanted to look cool like all the other kids at school. No more cute matching outfits for her and we started shopping at all the cool stores. I wasn't pleased, but she was happy as a clam.

I guess the point I am trying to make is we can try to make our kids into what we want them to be, but its really up to them. If you really want her to feel comfortable, let her take the lead and do what makes her happy. I don't mean let her dress like a stripper at 5, but if the other girls all wear jeans and sneakers, let her do what they all do.

 

[MaggieMoo'sMom]

If I may ask how does she feel? Is she anxious, scared? Or is she telling you she will be ok and wants to go? Are there other girls that she plays with also starting school? I would say if she is ok, then relax and know she will be fine.

We mothers all feel and want the same for our children. I had to learn and let go. Mine did fine. Take a deep breath and relax. You will hear all about her first day when she gets home. Jo

She is so excited. She makes friends very easily and is a shear joy to be around. If someone was making fun of her, she would either be having too much fun to notice or she would tell them they were being ugly and walk away (this is what she has done untl now). Thank goodness for my husband's DNA! I was having a tough time last night. Thanks for my Dis friends to calm my nerves! You guys are the best!

 

[Liberty Belle]

You think you want that, but you don't. Or you shouldn't. I kind of felt that way with my oldest, too. Honestly, it was not good for him. Other children seemed to resent it and it sent the wrong message to him.

Please be careful. Listen, we ALL feel that way in some degree about our children, but they have to be hurt some. They have to feel some pain, rejection. They will be teased or taunted by someone at some point. It's the way it is. And, if they teasing isn't more than others are receiving, then they're usually fine. It's something they just have to get through. When it happens, don't over react. Don't make it be bigger for her than it is.

Now, if the teasing goes on, it can be damaging (as you know!) and needs to be stopped immediately. If that happens do whatever you can to help your child.

Until then, let her be a little girl. Let her know she is the world to you and other kids as just as special to their mommies. And, please, let her know she is more than her appearance. Focus on her kindness, learning skills, and hard work. Let her know that her wonderfulness has nothing to do with what she is wearing or the things she has.

There's nothing wrong with dressing her in cute, expensive clothing, or buying her the best things. She has to know how unimportant that is, though.

Good luck. She'll be fine. It's scary. My youngest is going into second grade this year and I'm really scared, too. He's got ADHD and Sensory Integration Disorder, so kids have a lot of opportunity to tease him. And teachers have a lot of opportunity to damage him. I take it day by day and stay involved, and hopefully this will be a good year.

I hope you don't take offense at what I've said. It truly was said in sympathy and compassion.

 

[MoniqueU]

Well what you picked out for her might not be the in thing. I do relate to your feelings though. Once when my oldest daughter was in preschool she was made fun of by some not so nice little girlsth PRESCHOOL. They had hello kitty jewelry and my daughter didn't. I was picking her up and saw these girls taunting her with my own eyes. Well we stopped by target on the way home and I cleaned the store out of the hello kitty necklaces and bracelets. I was ticked off that my daughter was put through this. I loaded her up with the stuff for the following day and told her to make sure she didn't share hers. They were banned right after that. I didn't know what the hein thing was but I'll be darned if thest little brats made my daughter feel bad.

That being said I couldn't prevent it from happening in the first place and it didn't even matter what she had the little girls still found something to mess with dd about. You can't prevent everything and yes kids will be kids. FWIW my dds have never as far as I know had this problem in public schools. MY DS hasn't had any problems either other then he wanted his shorts longer then the ones he had and he likes expensive tennis shoes most likely because he wears a uniform to public school.

So no flames from me, i understand but you honestly can't protect them from everything you have to roll with the punches and let them develop their own self esteem.

 

[Pembo]

As a mom of a 14, 11 and 7 yo, I just want to say be prepared. School and the world is not a nice place and your dd will not always have an easy go of it. Learn to be strong for your dd and teach her to be strong.

The school years have been tough for each of my kids for different reasons. Kids are cruel but we talk about it often and sharing my experiences has helped my kids. Good luck.

 

[powellrj]

They had hello kitty jewelry and my daughter didn't. I was picking her up and saw these girls taunting her with my own eyes. Well we stopped by target on the way home and I cleaned the store out of the hello kitty necklaces and bracelets. I was ticked off that my daughter was put through this. I loaded her up with the stuff for the following day and told her to make sure she didn't share hers. .

Your story reminded me of my oldest DS who is now 27. He wanted light-up shoes. It was all he talked about in the 3rd grade. Well, I had grown-up with cheap shoes so my kids weren't going to wear cheap shoes. My DM got him the light up shoes at Target and you have never seen a happier kid in your life! I backed down and decided that it was a small price to pay to make a kid happy and I bought him the cheap Target shoes that he wanted.

 

[torinsmom]

OP---When you were picked on, what was your parents' response? Did they help you or tell you "Sticks and stones will break your bones, but words can never hurt you"? I ask because teasing and hurt feelings are very common in school, even with the little ones (I teach preK/K). It is more important how the adults deal with it, listening to the child's feelings and making sure they know that you know it does really hurt, and interceding when necessary. I don't mean running to the teacher because Sue said Janie's shoes were not cool one day. I am talking about when a child is being singled out to be bullied. That is when parents need to talk to the teacher or principal.

I can't tell you the number of times I hear, "You're not coming to my birthday party!" each week. And "I'm not playing with you because you didn't sit with me at lunch!". It is just drama, drama, drama. When a child comes to me upset about something someone said, I will usually listen and tell them I'm sorry that their feelings were hurt. If they want to discuss it with the other child, I bring them over and oversee the discussion. If they don't want to discuss it, I suggest they play with someone else for a while. The tiffs usually last about 5 minutes and then the kids are over it.

Marsha

 

[sunnyday123]

See? You're not alone. We all want to protect our kids from everything that happened to us when we were kids. But you can't. All you can do is be there for them and support them and love them. Your DD sounds like she's very well adjusted and has a good head on her shoulders. Trust her.

And for what it's worth, I cried every day when I passed her school for a month before she started K and on the 1st day, the teacher said to me, "You'll have to leave now. You can have her back at 3."

I had no intention of leaving my baby with her and was trying to blend into the wall.

 

[ilovejack02]

I am just scared for her.

Times like this uniforms are a blessing , less to think about .

She will be fine, and even better if you can breathe and relax.

Good luck Mom, I was a MESS when DS went off to Kinder, but not because I was worried about him fitting in. I was losing my baby : ( I cried through parents night and the day I took him for testing LOL. I started crying yesterday when I thought about 3rd grade and realized we only have 3 yrs left at this school and then off to middle school.

Maybe I need to talk to a shrink.

Just read in one of your posts when kids mess with her that she tells them they are being ugly and walks away. If she is already handling things that well, she will be fine.

I find my boy a bit immature and worry about teasing, but so far so good. The times he does get bothered, teacher tells me he usually gives the kids a stupid look and says if ya want to be mean I am leaving . Because he doesn't melt down and freak out he isn't a big target and the kids really seem to like him , thank goodness. I am sure it is because he is a confident but compassionate child. Thank goodness also for his Dad's dna, lol I didn't contribute all that to him.

 

[jen0610]

DD13 use to get grief from some of the girls for being to "put together". Her grandma spoiled this kid with clothes. They would make comments about her thinking she was better than them, because she didn't wear faded out, frayed jeans, never wore t-shirts. Grandma watched DD before and after school for us. And every day, DD's white tennis shoes would be cleaned and every 4 weeks a new pair of laces were put in. Grandma would not let her leave until she was "perfect" - to Grandma's standards. DD not wanting to hurt Grandma's feelings put up with it, until she was ready to start middle school.

This past year, DD has dressed herself every day in what she wanted. Some times she's a jean and T-shirt girl, other times skirts and dress shrits. Some times she's rocking a whole black outfit from Hot Topic, the next is plaid bermuda shorts and a polo shirt.

She is choosing to not be defined by her clothes. She has said that if someone doesn't like me because of my clothes, then I really didn't want them as a friend to begin with.

Let your DD pick what she wants. You guide her. Yes, there are times when DD picks out something and for us it is beyond age approriate. We try to find a way to make it work - cami's are her bestfriends - or we point her towards something similar and doesn't make her look like she 13 going on 21. But she's got a good head on her shoulders and she doesn't really pick out to much that was flat out told NO to.

 

[Mkrop]

As you can see from the other posts you are not alone. I too was teased as a kid and moved a couple of times so it was hard fitting in all the time.

I try hard to get my kids involved in things and try to notice trends so my kids dont stick out like sore thumbs but you know what they are still teased at times.

DS12 is very sensitive about it and we work on it all the time. He lets certain things roll off his back, but other things he gets all upset about. Not in front of the kids but he will come home upset.

Also I find kids will find almost anything to tease someone about. Whatever is different about you from the group is what they zero in on at times.

For example, DS12 is getting teased for loving roller coasters. I thought to myself, you got to be kidding me. I thought roller coasters were cool! But amongst this group of friends, they are all roller coaster wimps, hence they tease him and tell him to go on real vacations because they dont like or cant tolerate roller coasters. I pointed out to him why they were teasing him bc they were all insecure and he felt better about it. He recently went on a field trip where his other set of friends and him spent all day on the roller coasters, he was in heaven.

So my point was (sorry it took so long to get there) is you can do your best to get all the right things and it may not matter, what matters is preparing your child for possible teasing and how to react or not react to it.

She will do great, I am sure!