DD spends too much time at friends house?

[kathianne]

My dd, age 12, has a friend in the neighborhood. I'm concerned that she spends way too much time at her friend's house.

She practically lives there! She's there for 2-3 hours every day after school, and all but moves in on weekends. She was there today for 6 hours, we had to call her to come home, and now she's pouting, too bad.

She's had this friend for about a year, its turning from a friendship into an obsession. Also, I don't really know the parents. We've met briefly one time, they seem ok, that's it. We told dd to have her friend over her for some visits, so, the girl has been here all of 2 times, each time she barely stays 1/2 hour, then they go right back to her house, its obvious dd is more comfortable in her house than her own.

I really want to put a stop to this. Its ok to have a friend, but she's practically moved in there. Also, she keeps asking to do a sleepover at the friend's house, we don't allow sleepovers, those are our rules. I'm concerned that she's becoming obsessed with one friend, she really needs to have other friends, and needs to spend time with her family as well. Sundays are the worse, we go to Sunday school and church, then my kids have Awana Sunday nights. Lately she's been asking to spend Sundays with her friend, upset when we said no, that's our family day. We told her its not polite to just impose yourself on someone on a constant basis without their express invitation. We told dd she could invite her friend to Awana, she just looked horrified at the idea. Well, too bad, dd is keeping up her Awana activities.

Its a struggle to drag her home for dinner, last night we had steaks, you can't hold steaks for dinner, we told her to come home, she said she'd already eaten at her friend's! I told her she's not to eat at other poeple's homes unless specifically invited for dinner, but she just eats anyways then says the friend's mother said its ok. Well I said NO and that's what she goes by.

I really don't want to ruin her friendship but its turning into an obsession. I have concerns about her safety, since I don't really know these people that well, I also have concerns about how it looks, like we just push our kid off onto someone else to entertain, and also concerned about having just one friend. If that friendship dries up she's left with no one.

She just attaches herself to this child. There's a Halloween party at our community center, I already bought both of my kids nonrefundable tickets, she doesn't want to go because her friend isn't going. I offered to pay for a ticket to take her friend, but dd just declined, saying they already had their Halloween plans and I'm just trying to ruin her friendship! I'm not trying to ruin her friendship, but I don't want it turning into an obsession, either.

Last Thanksgiving they wanted her to come down and play! They live down the street. We just told them Thanksgiving is a family day, we had relatives visiting, it would be rude for dd to just take off and take up residence with another child for the day. I'm concerned she will want to spend the upcoming Holidays at this friend, even if we say no, which we do, then the day's ruined with her pouting that she can't see her friend.

So, any advice? I told dd she doesn't go wandering the neighborhood on school days, she has homework, household chores, etc, so does everyone else. Only on weekends, and do remember Sunday is a family day. Am I being unreasonable? Advice, suggestions, please!

 

[Tricia819]

Off hand it sounds like normal adolesence to me. At that age girls have their BFF's and their friendships are more like relationships and, yes, they do tend to be a bit obsessive and possessive. Hers could be worse because she's jealous of her friend spending time with other girls when she can't due to church, family, and school obligations and because she's not allowed to have sleepovers she's worried that her friend is having fun without her and won't want to spend time with her anymore because she's not as fun to be around as her other friends so she tries to make up for it when she is around. She'll out grow it.

I practically lived at my best friend's house too. When we lived down the street from each other our time was divided more equitably between our two homes, but when she moved I preferred to be at her house most of the time because there was more to do and her parents were more permissive. For example, her mom kept junk food in the house and mine didn't. Her parents let us camp out in the backyard and mine didn't even own a tent. However, we would do anything as long as we could do it together. Meaning that if I had to go to church she would come with me and I didn't have a problem inviting her and she never seemed to mind coming with me.

Just to be on the safe side you should probably call the other girl's mother and make sure they are being supervised. You could preface the call because you are concerned that your daughter is being rude inviting herself for dinner, overstaying her welcome, etc.

Try to relax, I'm sure it's nothing.

P.S. I just re-read your post. I agree holidays are a time to be spent with family, but your just going to have to get used to her pouting she's probably going to be doing it a lot over the next eight years. Mine are only 8 and 4 and I already get "Why do you hate me!" on a daily basis. I'm also now immune to the sound of slamming doors. (Although they do get in big doo-doo for that.) However, if shes not allowed to go over there on school days due to homework, chores, etc and she can't see her on Sundays because it's family day. That really only leaves Saturday.

 

[parkers*momma]

I'll probably hear it for this...and I'm not trying to be rude....but she is only 12.

Our son is 15 isn't allowed to spend this much time with his best friend and they have been friends since 3 grade.

If it was me...and I tend to be over protective and a little old fashion...She would be allowed to spend a couple hours one night through the school week. On the weekend, only after chores are completed, she would be allowed to go. Only if there wasn't family commitments-family first, friends second. If she is spending the night, then she and her friend would have to be at my house the following day- give the other parents a break plus lets you get to know this other lil girl on a personal level.

At 12, giving them some of the rein is fine but giving them to much is not a good thing. Maybe the other girls parents aren't as strict as you are....Do you know what they are doing? Do you know what their plans are for Halloween? Have you ever talked to the other family to see what their thought are on the idea of her being there all the time? Maybe they are to kind hearted to ask her to go home. They might appreciate you slowing the visitation down.

Personally, I would open the communications between you and the other parents. I definitely would not allow my 12 yo to spend that much time a family I don't know.

She will pout...throw a fit...stomp...scream...and cry but you are her parent and need to look out for the best welfare of your daughter and family. A 12 yo isn't capable to making decisions like these.

 

[CrAzY4DL]

I did this starting in junior high and all through high school. Sadly, both friends had almost no adult supervision during the day and was hit or miss at night and on weekends. I would say look into it and see what the big attraction is at the other friends house; chances are, supervision is lighter than what you would like and they could possibly be up to no good. Smoking, drinking, drugs, boys, the list really goes on and on!
If it turns out all IS well at the other house, maybe get something BIG for the girls to do at your house like a game system or something. I know when my high school boyfriend (now DH of almost 12 years) got a Sega Genesis (wow how old am i?!) we spent 99% of our time over at his house and it drove my parents nuts. Make your house the fun place to be and maybe back off a little (IF you are a helicopter mom, not trying to say you automatically are...)

Hope that helps!

 

[genius118899]

Just out of curiosity... why don't you allow sleepovers?

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

I guess if this reassures you a little, I am the "other house". DD has a few friends who practically live at our house. It has calmed down a bit now but in Jr. high, they came after school on Friday and were picked up Sunday night. I knew more about the girls than there parents probably did. I knew who had allergies, who didn't, and what types of meds they could take. AND We always have supervision at our house. DH and I are actually very strict. The girls were just close. They enjoyed each others company and we never felt it was a problem. If I were you I would make sure to take the time to meet the parents before you make a harsh decision about the friendship. Also, you are the parent, so if you feel she needs to be home more, I would do it during the week when school is in session, and give her a bit more freedom during the weekend.

 

[kathianne]

Just out of curiosity... why don't you allow sleepovers?

Too much time unupervised. In this day and age, anyone can say anything and it becomes a fact. If I allowed a sleepover in my home the child could say we did weird stuff, they see this on tv, and our lives couild be turned upside down. Also, I don't really know this other family well enough for a sleepover. Personally I don't care for sleepovers, you have a friend, that's one thing, but you don't sleep in their home, that's what your home is for.

One would almost think my dd is their child, not mine, from the way she spends all her time there!

 

[kathianne]

I guess if this reassures you a little, I am the "other house". DD has a few friends who practically live at our house. It has calmed down a bit now but in Jr. high, they came after school on Friday and were picked up Sunday night. I knew more about the girls than there parents probably did. I knew who had allergies, who didn't, and what types of meds they could take. AND We always have supervision at our house. DH and I are actually very strict. The girls were just close. They enjoyed each others company and we never felt it was a problem. If I were you I would make sure to take the time to meet the parents before you make a harsh decision about the friendship. Also, you are the parent, so if you feel she needs to be home more, I would do it during the week when school is in session, and give her a bit more freedom during the weekend.

That's an accurate way of describing it---the "other" parent. I admit, I'm somewhat hurt my child prefers to spend time with someone else, we used to be so close, now she hardly give me the time of day. The "other parent' is almost like haveing "another woman" in my life. She has her daughter, let me have mine!

I don't mind a friendship, but she's practically taken my child away! She spends every waking minute there, and any suggestions I have for family activities she scorns in favor of hanging with her friend. Sadly, movies, park, shopping, she doesn't care to do with us anymore, then I just found out she went to the mall yesterday with this kid and her mother. Hello........she has parents, just as a courtesy ASK the PARENTS first before taking them in a car trip. I need to know where my child is, if I think she's at a friend's house and she's off to the mall, then I don't know where MY child is, do I?

I would NEVER have the nerve to just take another kid along without asking/informing the parents first.

 

[mjkacmom]

I guess if this reassures you a little, I am the "other house". DD has a few friends who practically live at our house. It has calmed down a bit now but in Jr. high, they came after school on Friday and were picked up Sunday night. I knew more about the girls than there parents probably did. I knew who had allergies, who didn't, and what types of meds they could take. AND We always have supervision at our house. DH and I are actually very strict. The girls were just close. They enjoyed each others company and we never felt it was a problem. If I were you I would make sure to take the time to meet the parents before you make a harsh decision about the friendship. Also, you are the parent, so if you feel she needs to be home more, I would do it during the week when school is in session, and give her a bit more freedom during the weekend.

I'm also the "other house," probably because I have so many kids. I have to say, if I were a kid, I'd like hanging out here, but it's all good clean fun. Ds10 has a large circle of neighborhood friends, so I can end up with 8 or so boys in my yard after school. Dd12 and her friends like to bug the boys, and they end up with these elaborate games of chase, with teams and such. I admit that sometimes I can be a little resentlful, because dd12's friends would rather be here than at their own homes, so end up with everyone. However, at least I can supervise.

I would tell my dd that they need to start splitting up the time spent at each others homes a bit more equally. I think girls definately "couple up" more than boys, which makes it much harder when they "break up."

 

[kathianne]

I'm concerned for my dd, that she will be hurt by spending all her time with one friend. If that friend suddenly drops her, or has other plans, my dd is left high and dry. she needs some other friends.

Also, the involvement affects my child's interraction with other activities. suddenly she doesn't want to do anything if it doesn't involve this other child. I went through a lot to get her piano lessons, they start next week, dd didn't want to go because she "doesn't know anyone there" Well, my dh is being laid off, so piano lessons are something we cut out for now, anyways.

I hate to see her limit herself like that. If my "friend" doesn't go, I don't go is her attitude. All her eggs are in one basket.

Also, I bought dd some clothes at the Goodwill yesterday. Like I said, we're on a tight budget. There are really nice, some still have tags on, but she blew up and said "all her friends" (umm......I thought she just had the one friend?) shop at Justice for Girls. Well, sweetie, I can't afford to spend $40+ for one little blouse, she needed long sleeve shirts, I was quite thrilled with my finds, all quite nice, not "second-hand rose" Well, I'm cutting back on myself as well, I don't have anything new, can make do, she has outgrown her clothes, but I can't be expected to join the tween girls fashion parade!

I told her if she disliked the clothes we could donate them back to the GW, but on second thought she needs winter clothes, so that's it, take it or leave it.

 

[surfergirl602]

my best friend through middle school and high school lived right across the street from me. We did everything together. She's a single child with two parents working. I can see how that would get lonely. She would spend every waking hour at my house, pretty much, eat with us, do homework together, sleep at her house when we parents got home. Only senior year did we venture apart due to boyfriends, college and what not. My mom was at work most days, but we were good kids. Never got into trouble, and always asked our parents if we were to go somewhere. Even though my friend was like another sibling, we always made sure everything was okay with her parents. I think they were quite glad she was able to go somewhere and not be home alone all day, especially in the summer.

 

[delmar411]

my DD is just like the OP's child except she would happily invite her friend along with us. I'm the 'unfun' house because I've got little ones here and boring rules and well I'm just plain unfun!
DD's friend just moved away last month so DD spends most weekends over at her friends house and even has her friends mother call me to ask if DD can stay another night.

I'm not worried she is over staying her welcome and I send lots of food with DD when she goes (the other family is quite strapped for funds and food) so she's not a burden. The mother comes and picks up DD each weekend and drops her back since DH is normally at work and we only have one car.
This is who DD is. She's been like this since she was a very small child. She's been sleeping over places since she was 4.

Since she's almost 11 I'm completely ok with this. I accepted it a long long time ago. I also don't care to be friends with all her friends parents and haven't even met them all. Including her best friend who I just spoke about. I've seen her in passing/when she picks up DD and spoken to her on the phone but that's it.

But at the end of the day this behavior doesn't bother me and it does the OP so while it's fine for my family, the OP is going to have to lay down some ground rules, relax and let the sleepover happen or become the fun house.

 

[delmar411]

That's an accurate way of describing it---the "other" parent. I admit, I'm somewhat hurt my child prefers to spend time with someone else, we used to be so close, now she hardly give me the time of day. The "other parent' is almost like haveing "another woman" in my life. She has her daughter, let me have mine!

I don't mind a friendship, but she's practically taken my child away! She spends every waking minute there, and any suggestions I have for family activities she scorns in favor of hanging with her friend. Sadly, movies, park, shopping, she doesn't care to do with us anymore, then I just found out she went to the mall yesterday with this kid and her mother. Hello........she has parents, just as a courtesy ASK the PARENTS first before taking them in a car trip. I need to know where my child is, if I think she's at a friend's house and she's off to the mall, then I don't know where MY child is, do I?

I would NEVER have the nerve to just take another kid along without asking/informing the parents first.

I'm going to be honest here. Not mean or attacking you I promise. But I think you are over reacting. Mostly because you sound hurt and confused. Your DD is completely normal. What she is doing is completely normal. And she's 12, not 2. The other mother probably asked her to call and ask or call and let you know and your DD probably said she did. At this age your DD is responsible for the permission getting and if she's not getting it and you have house rules that say otherwise then she needs to get the natural consequences that come from disobeying.
From my previous post you might think my DD runs wild. She doesn't. She has some of the strictest house rules around. We only have a few. They are VERY clear and they are non-negotiable. Consequences are immediate and also non-negotiable. Very basic ones such as if she goes OUT to play she is outside. If she wants to go into someone's house she either comes home and lets me know or she calls from outside the house to let me know. We also have an in time of 5:30pm for dinner. For school nights I think that is plenty of free time as she will have a large chunk of free time come the weekend. DD has fought me tooth and nail about a lot of our rules but she knows breaking them will mean she is in the house for at least a week including the weekend.
As your DD gets older and you try to hang on tighter, she will pull farther and farther away. Loosen the reins and see if that doesn't bring her back to you a little more. Maybe plan a fun activity that is still "cool" to her and you call over and invite her friend down. That would give you a chance to speak to the mother and let her friend get to know you a bit better.
These are some of the most trying times with our kids I think. More so than the official teen years anymore.

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

That's an accurate way of describing it---the "other" parent. I admit, I'm somewhat hurt my child prefers to spend time with someone else, we used to be so close, now she hardly give me the time of day. The "other parent' is almost like haveing "another woman" in my life. She has her daughter, let me have mine!

I don't mind a friendship, but she's practically taken my child away! She spends every waking minute there, and any suggestions I have for family activities she scorns in favor of hanging with her friend. Sadly, movies, park, shopping, she doesn't care to do with us anymore, then I just found out she went to the mall yesterday with this kid and her mother. Hello........she has parents, just as a courtesy ASK the PARENTS first before taking them in a car trip. I need to know where my child is, if I think she's at a friend's house and she's off to the mall, then I don't know where MY child is, do I?

I would NEVER have the nerve to just take another kid along without asking/informing the parents first.

I would never take a child somewhere without permission. That's just WRONG! A talk with the parent is definetely a must, but I would do it very nicely. Next time you take daughter over or pick her up, I think a nice cup of coffee with Mom and a talk are a must. Sorry that this is happening to you.

 

[kathianne]

I would never take a child somewhere without permission. That's just WRONG! A talk with the parent is definetely a must, but I would do it very nicely. Next time you take daughter over or pick her up, I think a nice cup of coffee with Mom and a talk are a must. Sorry that this is happening to you.

Also what if there's an accident? The legal consequences would be on her---not to mention I didn't know where my child was at!

I'm sorry but I think 12 is still too young to set her own rules, I have rules and she follows them, she just has to get over it.

 

[dougsmom98]

I guess I am in the minority here, I don't think the OP is overreacting. I am the other house for a girl in our neighborhood. My kids love to have her over here When she stops by on her bike, or calls and asks to play, I always say yes. Sometimes though, I wish she would go home. Sometimes, I wish her parents would set limits with her and tell her that she needs to be home by 5 or 6 every night. No sooner do we drive in the driveway after work or church, and she is here. When she is here at 10 am and lunch time rolls around, I always offer her lunch because if my kids are going to be eating and I don't want to be rude. I wish though that sometimes, her mom would notice it is lunch time and call her back home or send snack and drinks over for her to share. I know that everyone will tell me that I should set limits, and I do to a point. When 7 or 7:30 rolls around, I tell her that she needs to head home. If we are going to do something, I tell her she can't come over. Sometimes, I just resent that it is always so one sided. I would definitely have a conversation with the friend's parents and express your concern that she is always over there and that you don't want to impose so much. Also tell them that there are some days and times that you are going to set aside for family. If you can both be on the same page, it will help the situation because you won't be the only bad guy.

 

[Hannahsmom]

You are overreacting. When children hit this age they are starting to find their own identity and place in the world away from their parents. By making a big deal about this and trying to pull her away from her friend you will only be making it worse. I would try to reach out to the Mom and form a bridge of communication. At this point you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Do you have any reason to believe that something is wrong with this girl? Or are you judging her through your feelings of jealousy? Is your daughters grades slipping? If so, then you would have a reason to reign her in a little more.

I understand your feelings are hurt and you want to ultimately protect your daughters feelings, but in the end if you meddle too much you will only be pushing her away. As painful as it is for us Moms, you have to let them learn the lessons of life (NOT putting all your eggs in one basket) on their own. And if you bad mouth her friend and outwardly show your disdain you could be making the forbidden fruit that much sweeter.

Consider that she is lucky to have a BFF. Some kids never make attachments so strong. I did, and to this day they are still my BFF's. And yes we lived at each others homes, and spent the night at each others homes, broke up and made up. But because our mothers communicated with each other we never were able to get into much trouble, much to our consternation at the time.

 

[parkers*momma]

Also what if there's an accident? The legal consequences would be on her---not to mention I didn't know where my child was at!

I'm sorry but I think 12 is still too young to set her own rules, I have rules and she follows them, she just has to get over it.

I TOTALLY agree with you. She is 12! You set the rules, she follows those rules and if she doesn't, then suffer the punishment.

And as a parent...I would never dream of taking anyone's child with me unless I personally spoke to the Parent. At 12 and even now, when DS wants his BF to join us, his friend might call his mom, but then I always ask to talk to her after he is finished. Just to touch base, let her know what time we might be returning, where we are going (boys are to vague), and mostly to make sure that our plans arent going to interfere with their plans for the evening.

You are totally in the right to expect your DD to follow your rules, to give common courtesy to your and your family, and furthermore, if it was me, I would really open that door between you and the other family. If your daughter is spending that much time with them, you would hope they are supervising the girls and also, it would be nice if they knew who you were as a person. You sound like a very caring mom with a level head on guidelines on how you have raised your DD. Getting to know the parents will open the door of communication now...instead of waiting until something happens and meeting under bad circumstances. (not meaning bad bad, but like not coming home when she is told and you having to drive to get her. Then your DD giving you attitude when you get to the friends house...KWIM)

 

[ChristusG]

I do not think that the OP is overreacting at all. Yes, children do reach an age where friendships and BFF's are of the utmost importance.....and it is usually right around the start of the teenage years. However, the parent is the parent.....and they should still set limits. And if the OP's DD is constantly wanting to be at this friends house and doesnt like having the friend at her house, something sounds fishy to me. And it is probably lack of supervision in the other girls home....which is just what kids want so that they have the freedom not to get caught if they do things they know their parents would not approve of.

I remember when I was a kid/teen. I wanted to be outside with friends 24/7. I think it is okay for the OP to let her DD hang out with the friend (assuming this friend is a good kid) after school, once homework/etc is finished and there's no family appointments. However, I would set some guidelines.....start spending some time with the friend at her own house, set a time limit (if there's an hour or two between the completion of homework and dinner time, then DD gets an hour or two to spend with the friend), and if there's pouting/etc about those rules, then she loses friend time. And friend should not stop your DD from participating in her current activities such as AWANA. DD can invite the friend, and if she comes along, then great. If not, then your DD still has to go.

The right kind of friends can be good.....you just need to set some ground rules so that your DD knows what to expect.....and you need to get to know this girl for yourself as well.

 

[kathianne]

I guess I am in the minority here, I don't think the OP is overreacting. I am the other house for a girl in our neighborhood. My kids love to have her over here When she stops by on her bike, or calls and asks to play, I always say yes. Sometimes though, I wish she would go home. Sometimes, I wish her parents would set limits with her and tell her that she needs to be home by 5 or 6 every night. No sooner do we drive in the driveway after work or church, and she is here. When she is here at 10 am and lunch time rolls around, I always offer her lunch because if my kids are going to be eating and I don't want to be rude. I wish though that sometimes, her mom would notice it is lunch time and call her back home or send snack and drinks over for her to share. I know that everyone will tell me that I should set limits, and I do to a point. When 7 or 7:30 rolls around, I tell her that she needs to head home. If we are going to do something, I tell her she can't come over. Sometimes, I just resent that it is always so one sided. I would definitely have a conversation with the friend's parents and express your concern that she is always over there and that you don't want to impose so much. Also tell them that there are some days and times that you are going to set aside for family. If you can both be on the same page, it will help the situation because you won't be the only bad guy.

See that's my concern, that we're resented, but tolerated. I don't want the other parents to be feeling like you do, that the child is always over at awkward times, interferes with meals, and doesn't recipocate.

Also, I hesitate to approach these people, because my dd says I alwsya ruin her friendships, which isn't true, one friend moved away! The other friendship I "ruined" the child just stopped talking to my dd after I met her mother and chatted in the grocery store, just a general conversation, then this other BF dropped dd, I don't think the incidents were related, but my dd says I ruin her life!

I guess that's just a phase, but I'm not about to let my kid wander the neighborhood and practically move in with someone else we don't even know just to appease her grudge. I'm her mother, after all, not her friend, sometimes you have to set limits even if the consequences is losing your child's affection.