DD or DS invite a friend? How much did you pay for them?

[PRaffen]

We are allowing our daughter (14) to invite a friend to take with her on the cruise. For those of you who have done this, how much of the costs did you pay and what, if any, did you ask of the invited friend?

We will be staying at AKL for four nights prior to the cruise. I was thinking of having DD's friend pay for her DW tickets and, of course, her own spending money but would like to know what worked for others.

THANKS!

 

[dthogue]

While we have never taken anyone's child with us, my daughters have been asked several times to go away with their friends. One friend's parents paid for everything - my daughter just took spending money along. Another trip the family paid for the accomodations and travel expenses, but we had to send spending money for everything else (water park tickets, mini golf, spending money, etc.)

Whatever you decide, please do so before you ask the friend and make sure to give the family the details up front. Only you cand ecide how much you can allow (one dad told me it is cheaper to take a friend for a week, the to have another child to put through college). There's nothing more upsetting to a parent than saying a child can go, but then find out they will need $$$ to go. Give them a detailed list of your plans and what money they should plan on sending. It will save hurt feelings and stress later on.

Tammy

 

[sjhlib]

Hi: We're doing the same thing in Feb. - I was lucky in that this trip was my kids (13 & 15) idea, and I agreed to it, on the condition that I would pay for the hotel (it started out as a Hard Rock/Universal vacation) and car rental and their friends would pay their own air, spending $ and park tix. When it changed to this cruise (I couldn't help it - the Magical Rates were calling me!), I figured the air and $200 cruise deposit was comparable and I'll pay the difference, since I sprung it on their parents kind of last minute. They're insisting on paying the diff., though, and I will graciously accept it!! I think your idea of park tix and spending $ is more than reasonable, and I'll bet her parents will think the same and offer to kick in something towards the cruise!
Aren't kids lucky nowdays? We were lucky to get to the beach with our friends when we were they're age!!!

 

[PRaffen]

sjhlib - you are so right. We went on one vacation as a family when I was growing up.

I think sometimes I've created monsters - I always have a trip planned somewhere (perhaps feeding my inner child) but I keep telling my kids this is not the way their dad and I started out. We had many years of camping trips or cooking meals in economy hotels. (I like this side of life much better)

 

[DMOMof3]

Last April my DD17 took her friend with us to WDW. Since we have a timeshare all she had to pay was flight & park admissions. I even let her pay a little at a time over the summer when she was working. She had some of her own spending money but I paid for her meals when we were together. Of course I got the usual "it's not fair why can't I take my friends" from my younger two but they will get their turns.

 

[outahere]

Nothing to do with the original question, but..............

If you take along a friend, make sure they will get along ok for the entire time you are gone.

When my DD was about 14, I allowed her to take a friend on vacation with us to the Outer Banks of North Carolina. About 4 days into the trip, they really started to get on each other's nerves. By day 6, they were barely speaking to one another and did not want to do anything together. When the trip was over, it took them several weeks to become "friends" again.

I can't think of too many worse things on vacation than two moody teenage girls, who didn't want anything to do with each other by the end. That was the one and only time we allowed a friend to go on vacation.

 

[sjhlib]

You may all ready know this, but you'll need a notarized statement from both of her parents allowing you to take her out of the country and it was strongly recommended that we also get a notarized medical treatment form (I got one from our hospital) giving you permission to authorize medical treatment if her parents can't be reached.

 

[MrsPete]

If I invited someone to go on the trip, I would pay for everything except personal spending money (souveniers). I'm not sure how to open that conversation: "I'd like to take Susie on vacation with us. Her portion will cost ___." It seems rude to this Southern girl.

I'd suggest that BEFORE you invite the child, you "practice" spending time with her -- don't let her know you're "interviewing her for the trip". Go out to eat at a restaraunt. Do her table manners, eating habits, and general behavior mesh with your expectations? Let her spend the night at your house. Does she listen to your instructions about bedtimes, clean-up, etc? What if a problem occurs? Don't assume that a child will be sunshine for a whole week of vacation. What punishment will you use for someone else's child? Assume NOTHING. Families are very different!

About two years ago my daughters' friend (with her mother's permission) invited my daughter to go to Disney World with her family. My husband and I immediately said NO. It wasn't even a topic for discussion. She was only eight years old -- she's not going out of state with casual aquaintances! Turns out we were right; the dad is now in jail on domestic violence charges. Anyway, my daughter's feelings were hurt, and she was angry with me for quite some time. The point: this seems very obvious to me, but YOU should speak to HER MOTHER before your child broaches the subject with her friend.

 

[Horace Horsecollar]

Originally posted by MrsPete
If I invited someone to go on the trip, I would pay for everything except personal spending money (souveniers). I'm not sure how to open that conversation: "I'd like to take Susie on vacation with us. Her portion will cost ___." It seems rude to this Southern girl.

That's very generous. And I agree, if you're inviting someone to a movie or restaurant meal. But a cruise and airfare obviously involve a lot more money.

If another family wanted to allow one of my kids to join them on a cruise, I wouldn't expect that family to pay.

I think it's a matter of the choice of words.

The exception might be if familes worked something out where Family A takes Kid B on their vacation, and Family B reciprocates and takes takes kid A on their vacation. And then I wouldn't expect any money to change hands, unless one vacation clearly involves substantially more money.

 

[ChattyKathy]

on this one. I was always taught...' If you invite them along, then its your responsibility to pay'. I know the air and cruise make it alot more money but you should think about these things before you do it. Like it was mentioned above, you basically have to 'pre-interview' this child...your going to be in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean for days...how do you discipline another child....and she is right- you dont!. This is supposed to be a 'family vacation'...so treat it like one.
Now, more then likely- the invited childs family is going to offer to pay BUT if they dont...well..

Last summer and this past summer we invited other kids along for the weekend with us. The parents sent the child (2 different kids, 2 different times) with $30. in her pocket...for HER spending money. They didnt even offer us a dime....which was ok...because I let my kids do the inviting... Both families did this.
Personally I would offer money if someone was to ask my child along, But that is me...
Oh well, My 2 cents worth! Good Luck! & Have Fun!



Kathy

 

[gonna go cruising]

I have to agree with MrsPete also. For my oldest daughter's 16th birthday five years ago, we let her bring a friend to DW with us. I took a good friend of mine and we paid for both of their airfares, tickets, etc, as they were our guests. Spending money was their only expense, and that is how we planned it. It was a girls only trip, hubby and younger daughter stayed home while we celebrated the birthday. She chose it for her 16th and we were in the position to do it at the time. I would definitely talk to the parents first, then ask the child.

 

[aprilgail2]

I agree...if I invite someone then I feel it is up to me to pay for them...the ohnly thing they would have to bring is some spending money. I could never say "hey can your child come on a cruise with us and pay 500.00 towards it"....just seems very rude.

 

[PRaffen]

Thanks for all the comments. I think I'll stick with her bringing her own spending money (which we've already told the parents) and let it go at that.

Mrs. Pete - Yes, we did speak to the parents before we allowed our daughter to invite her friend. They are good friends of ours and we wanted to be sure it was okay with them before we put the thought into their child's mind. Their only request was "could they come, too?"

The girl we will be taking is like our "second daughter." Our girls have been friends since they were toddlers and have gone away to camp together many times as well as serve together on their youth group's mission trips so I'm not concerned about them getting on each other's nerves. Actually, the reason we agreed to this particular friend and not others is she is just a regular Miss Suzie Sunshine - the most agreeable young lady (and she's a teen!!) that I've ever spent time with.

 

[jgalecpa]

Slightly different scenario I've been involved in:

We have taken kids to Europe with ours before and it is usually for 2 - 3 weeks.

I sit the child and friend down ahead of time down and tell them:

THERE WILL BE A TIME OR TWO WHEN YOU GET MAD AT EACH OTHER!

Expect, it will be natural. The friend will likely get a little homesick (on long trips, it is almost always at the beginning of the 2nd week. By the last day no one wants to leave and they cry about having to leave.)

It's what happens and if you don't hang out with one anohter for a little while (really this means they'll get mad and won't speak for about four hours at some point). We'll just wokr through it and move on.

Then, when it happens, (and it will) I tell them: Remember, this is what we talked about. you guys will get through it.

Thats what works for us.

Jim

PS: This can also apply to sibling and spouses on long trips.

 

[MrsPete]

<<<<That's very generous. And I agree, if you're inviting someone to a movie or restaurant meal. But a cruise and airfare obviously involve a lot more money>>>>>


Whether you're inviting someone to a movie or on a cruise, manners are manners -- it's not related to dollars and cents. I believe that if you invite, you pay. If you can't afford a steak dinner, then you eat hamburgers. If you can't afford a designer outfit, then you do without or buy something less expensive. If you cannot afford to pay for the child, then don't invite her.

Incidentally, I would not offer money (other than spending money) if my child were invited on such a trip. I'd assume that the family wouldn't offer if they hadn't considered the cost. Of course, I also wouldn't accept the offer (unless it were from an aunt/uncle or grandparents). I'd feel overly indebted to the other family and obligated to invite that child on my next vacation, which might not be in line with our family's plans!

Here's a slightly different skew to the situation: WHY are you inviting this child? I suspect it's not because you want to do something nice for her. Would you send her on the cruise alone just for her own enjoyment? Probably not. I suspect it's because you want your child to have a same-aged companion on vacation. Thus, the child is doing you a service by coming along and being that companion. Yes, I won't argue that the child is going to benefit too, but consider your real reasons for taking this child before you ask mom and dad for money!

 

[ChattyKathy]

I couldn't agree more with MrsPete. I couldn't have said it better myself...

Take the kid, and have fun, it'll all work itself out, Like the fishguy said in his post....they will get thru it.



Kathy

 

[akasleepingbeauty]

I do agree in theory that inviting someone along generally means you are paying their way. However, there are situations where I think that exceptions should be considered.

We encountered a situation like this on a trip where we invited a friend of our dd's along. This was dd's best friend (at the time several years ago) and we met with the parents twice before the trip to discuss details etc. Since dd lives with her mother (she is my step-daughter) we asked her about this friend and she confirmed that she was a nice girl etc. So we were all set or so we thought. Then the week before the trip, the friend gets in trouble with her parents (nothing too bad - just stayed out past her curfew one night) and they say she can't go. Now we are stuck with an airline ticket we paid for along with a bigger hotel room than we needed (since with her friend we were now a party of 5 rather than 4) and a very disappointed daughter. Since the family had no "investment" in the trip they didn't really consider the financial side of it when they told her she couldn't go. As it turned out in the end, they let her go but it certainly left a bad taste in my mouth for inviting someone else along without them paying anything.

I have had this same sort of thing happen on a smaller scale for a concert and another event (different people each time). It just seems that people don't take the committment as seriously when they have no financial investment. Granted, I am sure that most people would not do this but it certainly is a possibility and should be considered and discussed (we certainly will disucss it if we invite someone along again!),

So, in the case of a cruise where you can really lose some $$$ if the person cancels at the last minute I would certainly want to protect myself just in case. Perhaps even just asking for their part of the deposit might help to gauge their committment and then you could even give it back after the cruise. I just know that from my personal experiences that it is very easy to agree to something (after all who doesn't want to go on a free cruise????) when the person has not had to make any particular investment of their own in the trip. Therefore, I do think that in a situation where the paying party stands to lose a significant amount of $$ as well as the uproar caused by a last minute cancellation then I would ask for some amount of financial investment from the guest.

 

[ragdoll]

A bit off topic, but just wanted to say how generous you guys are! When my son was little he was invited to a friends house for the evening and told to bring money for ice cream. I could not believe that someone could be that cheap. And no, they were not poor people.

 

[trishy]

Ragdoll: That's pretty pathetic!!! Pay for their own ice cream - ridiculous and incredibly cheap.

If I invite for a movie, dinner, amusement park, etc. - I pay everything but the souvenir expense. If I invite to WDW or somewhere else that involves a flight, the guest will pay the airfare. I agree with akasleepingbeauty, there needs to be some way to "seal the deal". This just happened to a coworker of dh. The friend had a "falling out" a couple of months before the trip and the $$ had already been paid for her participation. I figure if I'm paying for the park passes, cruise, hotel, food, transportation, and other expenses that seem to creep their way into a vacation, the airfare is not that much to ask for in order to ensure their participation before I fork out the $$ in deposits and such. I wouldn't hesitate to offer some $$ if my child was invited. That's a pretty nice invitation after all and I wouldn't want to be greedy about it.

 

[debloco]

I have to agree with MrsPete-if you invite, you pay (except for personal spending $). I took a friend for my DD (14) to WDW for a weekend just this October and paid for all of her expenses. My DD is an only child and at this age it makes it more enjoyable for all of us if she has someone her own age. The girls did not fight, although I was expecting it at some point. In March 2004 we are taking a different friend on the Magic for a week. Again, all of her expenses will be paid by us and they are even getting their own cabin. This is much pricier than the October weekend, but the same etiquette applies-you invite, you pay. As far as the various difficulties others have encountered, I would say that you really should know the other family well. What kind of values to they have? Do they take committments as seriously as you do? Do they raise their child in a similar fashion? Have the kids stayed at each others homes for more than a sleepover?
In both of our cases, each family offered to pay for something and that says a lot about the kind of people they are. With the first family I stood my ground and did not let them contribute. With the cruise we finally relented (they are very gracious and really wanted to do something) so they are driving us to the airport, booked our pre and post cruise hotel nights, and a providing a limo for the trip home from the airport. The right friend, from the right family can make for a wonderful trip for everyone.
Deb