DD hates school, what can I do?

[Magpie]

Not helpful, but my tip would've been to send her to preschool, especially if she is a strong willed child. I don't think children need to learn academics at preschool (easily taught at home), but need to learn how to behave in a school setting. I would meet with the teacher.

Sometimes it's hard to predict. My strong willed child didn't go to preschool - and she marched off to kindy without a single backward look. She even laughed when I said I missed her!

 

[disneygals]

Sometimes it's hard to predict. My strong willed child didn't go to preschool - and she marched off to kindy without a single backward look. She even laughed when I said I missed her!

I don't think it matters either.

My middle dd loved preschool at 3 from Sep to Dec. Jan started freaking out, took a couple of months to re-adjust.

preschool at 4 Loved it

Kindergarten at 5 loved it

1st grade so scared, cried for a long time... I asked my oldest dd's 1st grade teacher "when does it stop?" she laughed and said by November!

My kids still have a long adjustment back and 2 are in high school and one in college!

 

[design_mom]

We had similar issues with DD and DS with pre-K (no problems in kindergarten). One thing that helped both my kids was to develop a special routine, so they are participating in the goodbye. My son and I came up with a special handshake. Kiss-handshake-walk out. DD liked to literally push me out the door. Kiss. Push. Gone.

I read something about that once, and figured it was worth a try. It really worked for us.

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

The first thing I'd do is reframe what's going on. You don't have a child who hates school -- you have a child who is still learning to separate efficiently from mom in the morning. Describing her (even in your head) as a child who hates school can become a self fufilling prophecy. Similarly, don't think what did I do wrong -- you didn't. You built a strong relationship with her so that she feels happy, and safe, and challenged, and complete with you, and it's a little scary to leave something that wonderful -- soon she'll feel all those things at school too and will go back and forth happily between the two.

Here's a few things that can work:

1) Quick, brief, ritualized drop offs, a kiss on her palm where she can wrap it up in her hand and keep it safe all day, or a kiss on her nose so she leaves you laughting, or something along those lines, the same every day whether she's crying or annoyed that you're slowing her down in her rush to get to her friends. Also, practice the drop off in advance. I've advised parents to come to school with Daddy on the weekend and show him how you do it. First practice with Daddy being the teacher, and show him the trick, then Daddy can be her (and be a little silly in imitating her) and show how he can be a big girl going off to school, then you might try and be the teacher and be a little silly (not imitating, but standing on your tiptoes if she's taller than you, or if Daddy's being her having him talk him talk in a squeaky voice or whatever). And she can be mom or the teacher too.

2) Playdates with kids at school, or staying on the playground after school to play with you there -- partially so you know enough about her social life that you can talk about kids by name, partially so she can make connections at times when she's secure to carry her over to other times, and partially so you can see that she's enjoying herself which will help you feel better and she'll pick up that vibe from you.

3) Planning for the high points in the day. When she comes home full of stories about what she did, make a plan "Really? They have that many blocks in the block corner? Wow, that house you made today sounded really cool, what are you going to build tomorrow". Then throughout the evening talk about her plans "Do you think you're going to try the monkey bars first, or the slide tomorrow?" "Will your castle have a moat, what will you make that with . . . " So that she's holding the image of the fun things in her mind.

4) Have someone else take her. If you've got the option of dad taking her in for a few mornings, or of carpooling with a friend (they do drop off, you pick up), it can make a world of difference to step down gradually from beloved mommy to school.

Know that this time is brief. You've got a kid who feels things strongly, and expresses her feelings to others -- that passion will be one of her greatest gifts down the road. One day she'll be loving school and telling you all about it in great detail.

Good luck

 

[dimimi]

Not helpful, but my tip would've been to send her to preschool, especially if she is a strong willed child. I don't think children need to learn academics at preschool (easily taught at home), but need to learn how to behave in a school setting. I would meet with the teacher.

Agreed, I also realize not helpful now, but something to keep in mind if you have another child.

I do have one suggetion. Our oldest son didn't want to go to pre-school because his younger brother(an infant at the time) was home and he thought he was missing something. Some people may not agree with this, but we will tell our older son that he was missing the boring stuff. Iwould tell him we ran the errands that he didn't like anyway, or that we had a dr appt., etc. It worked for us, he figured he'd rather have fun at school than do boring stuff with us. After school we'd go to a park, etc.

One more idea: Can your daughter take the bus? If so, you may want to start that routine. I like the ideas presented so far. Remember, you are doing the best you can!

 

[WeLoveLilo05]

Not helpful, but my tip would've been to send her to preschool, especially if she is a strong willed child. I don't think children need to learn academics at preschool (easily taught at home), but need to learn how to behave in a school setting. I would meet with the teacher.

I would have sent her to Pre-K but its about $3000 here for the year and she had medical issues and I was finishing up school doing student teaching last year. In the past 2 years we have seen allergist (peanut allergy), 2 GI docs, and a neurologist...things are finally starting to be "normal" again, with the exception of school tantrums lol.

I would have loved for her to go a few days a week for a few hours though last year.

 

[Wishing on a star]

As a mom who used daycare, we went through those issues VERY early (ages 1-2). It is separation anxiety and your daughter is not used to the change in her routine nor that moment when you two separate for the morning. It is a HUGE deal for kids. Back in the 60s, when I went to Kindergarten and most kids weren't in daycare there would be tons of kids having this issue in Kindergarten. Now that so many go to some preschool or daycare very early on, you see it happening once in awhile at the Kindergarten level. It is normal and you need to do what other posters have said. Drop her off with a quick hug and kiss and go.

Yep, I think it is THIS....

Stay strong for a few days, and then see how it goes...

 

[Wishing on a star]

The first thing I'd do is reframe what's going on. You don't have a child who hates school -- you have a child who is still learning to separate efficiently from mom in the morning. Describing her (even in your head) as a child who hates school can become a self fufilling prophecy.

Yes, again.... THIS....

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

I would have sent her to Pre-K but its about $3000 here for the year and she had medical issues and I was finishing up school doing student teaching last year. In the past 2 years we have seen allergist (peanut allergy), 2 GI docs, and a neurologist...things are finally starting to be "normal" again, with the exception of school tantrums lol.

I would have loved for her to go a few days a week for a few hours though last year.

While it might be true that sending her to preschool would have meant that she didn't have this issue THIS YEAR, you would have had to go through the same thing at some point. This is not your fault, it's a normal part of growing up for many children and hopefully won't last long.

If she's had medical issues in the past, it may have contributed to her feeling that new things are unsafe.

 

[MELSMICE]

I agree with just having quick good-bye & letting the instructors handle things when you leave. She will be fine. I see this with young children at dance quite often. Once they get in the classroom & start getting involved in something they are fine.

Have a set routine the evening prior to school & in the mornings. Make it fun & keep her involved (which it sounds like you're doing already).

I do also think she might be playing you a little bit. Kids are smart & they know just what it takes to wrap mom around their fingers.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

My special ed preschool class started 3 weeks ago. We had 3 new kids who were having difficult drop-offs the first few days, but now it's smooth sailing!

One boy's mom totally understood what was going on (he was trying to manipulate her into taking him home). From day one, she would just say goodbye and tell him she would be back later and then she'd give him a gentle push into the classroom and leave. We would take over and guide him through the routine of putting his things away and choosing an area for free play. He figured out quickly that he loves school and yesterday at pick up time he asked if he could stay longer!

A little girl would start crying as soon as we opened to door to let the kids in. Her mom or dad would hug her and talk to her while she carried on. There was lots of pleading and cajoling for her to stop crying and go into the classroom. We tried to tell the mom that leaving was the best option but she couldn't bring herself to do it. She would take her for walks around the campus while she cried, ask her if she was hungry, thirsty, get her a drink, etc. The mom just wouldn't consent to dropping her and leaving right away. Finally, this week, we convinced the mom to leave her at the door whether she was crying or not. We assured her that we would get her engaged in something and she would stop crying right away. That's exactly what happened. As soon as mom stopped feeding into the behavior, it stopped!

Another little boy wasn't crying but would cling to his mom and act very babyish at drop-off time. He would talk very loudly in babytalk (even though he can talk). The mom would try to understand what he was saying (which was pretty much nothing). When she tried to leave, he would follow her.
We took him to different parts of the room to distract him and told her to leave. One day last week she said, "I just can't leave unless I'm sure he's happy." We told her he was fine and that she didn't have to make him happy all the time. I think she was relieved to hear that! He's now doing fine with drop-off since she's learned that it's OK to drop and leave whether he wants her to or not.

I think the common theme in these stories is that the kids do much better and stop the theatrics when the parents quickly drop them off and leave. They really do adjust rather quickly when they realize there are many more fun things to do in the classroom than crying at the door!