DD hates school, what can I do?

[WeLoveLilo05]

DD started school this week (Wed). She is 5 (and older 5), never did Pre-K and is in half day kindergarten. Her school is nice and her teacher seems very nice. On Wed she screamed and cried and we ended up calming her down with the help of the guidance counselor, she went to class almost an hour late b/c she was throwing a fit. When I picked her up I asked the teacher how she did and she said she was a little defiant...which I believe.

The next day...she was fine..the guidance counselor met us and she ran off with her and didn't even yell bye to me. When I picked her up she said she had a great time, gave the teacher a hug, teacher said she did great today and was not defiant at all.

So today I drop her off and she totally throws a fit, the guidance counselor met us as soon as we walked in. DD was terrible, throwing herself on the floor and everything. The GC told me just leave, she'll be fine, I left, I cried walking to my car, it was a terrible feeling. When I picked her up she said "the boss" had to go with GC and walk her to the room and hold her hand

I just don't know what to do! She is so excited about school until we actually get to the parking lot. She wakes up w/o a problem, the night before she picks out her clothes, helps me pack her snack, etc. I told her if she was good we would have a day set aside just for her on friday, but I couldn't give it to her b/c of the way she acted.

So...what can I do? I keep telling her that her school is nice, her teacher is nice, they have a nice playground and kindergarten is so much fun. I even did my student teaching in a kindergarten classroom and kept showing her all the neat things I was doing with my group and telling her she would do things like this when she got to kindergarten.

Its just so upsetting b/c I know how DD is when she is asked to do something she doesn't want to do but at the same time I know how sweet she could be too and I just wish she would let that side show more often.
Any tips would be greatly appreciated....

 

[justhat]

Just keep dropping her off quickly and she'll adjust. Keep the goodbye brief and to a minimum, then just walk away. Don't look back, don't linger, don't hang around and wait. All that just makes it worse, trust me, I've been there. It's super hard on you, as a mom, to leave them crying for you, but it really does make it easier in the long run.

My kids were younger when they started school, but we went through the separation anxiety this year again with my son as we moved to a new state just a couple of weeks before school started. He is the most outgoing, friendly little boy, so I was really thrown by his tears and hung around with him till he had to go in the classroom (they all start out on the playground) and he literally had to be peeled from my arms. One of his teachers wrote a note on the sign in clipboard that said "Please remember to make dropoff a quick, timely process to ensure a smooth transition." I left him right away that day and within 2 days the crying was done.

Your little girl will be fine, just give it a little time.

 

[marcyinPA]

Just keep dropping her off quickly and she'll adjust. Keep the goodbye brief and to a minimum, then just walk away. Don't look back, don't linger, don't hang around and wait. All that just makes it worse, trust me, I've been there. It's super hard on you, as a mom, to leave them crying for you, but it really does make it easier in the long run.

My kids were younger when they started school, but we went through the separation anxiety this year again with my son as we moved to a new state just a couple of weeks before school started. He is the most outgoing, friendly little boy, so I was really thrown by his tears and hung around with him till he had to go in the classroom (they all start out on the playground) and he literally had to be peeled from my arms. One of his teachers wrote a note on the sign in clipboard that said "Please remember to make dropoff a quick, timely process to ensure a smooth transition." I left him right away that day and within 2 days the crying was done.

Your little girl will be fine, just give it a little time.

Totally agree with this. Preschool teacher here, and this is what we tell our parents to do.

I hate to say this, but she is playing you. I see it all the time. If I scream and carry on, Mom will feel bad for leaving me here. Don't give into it. She will learn quickly that going to school is a requirement, not a choice, and she'll be fine.

Hugs to you! Stay strong!

 

[Hannathy]

Totally agree with this. Preschool teacher here, and this is what we tell our parents to do.

I hate to say this, but she is playing you. I see it all the time. If I scream and carry on, Mom will feel bad for leaving me here. Don't give into it. She will learn quickly that going to school is a requirement, not a choice, and she'll be fine.

Hugs to you! Stay strong!

agree with this. School isn't a choice. Good for you for following thru on not doing the something special.

Just drop off and leave as quick and cheerfully as you can, just a quick wave goodbye and turn and be gone. Don't look back.

 

[golfgal]

I remember when our kids started kindergarten. Their teachers all said the same thing, Day 3 of kindergarten is the WORST for the kids but after that it gets better. Just drop her off with a quick hug and tell her you will see her after school. The teachers know how to handle it and if it gets to the point that they need your help, they will let you know. They are used to this. It's harder on mom then it is on them.

 

[polkadotsuitcase]

That's got to be so hard!

I agree with PPs, though. I'm not minimizing or mocking your situation by saying this -- I'm honestly not -- but the same thing happened when I worked at a kennel. The owners who fussed and made a big deal about leaving their dog made it harder for the dog -- it would get all whimpery and freak out and not want to go with the attendant. But as soon as the owner was gone, the dog was totally fine.

Again, not meaning to diminish your situation or compare kids to dogs, but I think the M.O. is the same -- as hard as it is, know the teachers will be able to handle it cheerfully and your daughter will soon be fine. Hang in there!

 

[golfgal]

That's got to be so hard!

I agree with PPs, though. I'm not minimizing or mocking your situation by saying this -- I'm honestly not -- but the same thing happened when I worked at a kennel. The owners who fussed and made a big deal about leaving their dog made it harder for the dog -- it would get all whimpery and freak out and not want to go with the attendant. But as soon as the owner was gone, the dog was totally fine.

Again, not meaning to diminish your situation or compare kids to dogs, but I think the M.O. is the same -- as hard as it is, know the teachers will be able to handle it cheerfully and your daughter will soon be fine. Hang in there!

Not to hijack this tread but we have never kenneled our dog but we might have to next month. She used to LOVE playing with other dogs until the neighbor's dog attacked her. Is this an issue with kenneling-how would your kennel deal with this? Are we better off trying to find someone to come here and stay with her?

 

[HerdOHuds]

So now we are talking about dogs?

Back to the OP, I taught first grade for many years before kids and the walk away advice is the best out there. If you cave in and boo-boo her or play into her fears, that by your own description are not valid, then it will just be harder the next day to leave her there. She can smell your fear...!

You are doing all the right things by walking away after dropping off and not rewarding the undesirable behavior. She will accept this new norm of school everyday in a week or so. You just have to hang in and be strong til then!

I once had a first grader come in with her dad for the first time (mom had always dropped off before) about 2 or 3 weeks into the year. She didn't want to come into the classroom, which was new for her. She ran away from dad, so I told him to just leave. He couldn't do it and ended up signing her out for the day. He wrote his reason for her absence as "cranky"!

 

[bonnieappetit]

Just keep dropping her off quickly and she'll adjust. Keep the goodbye brief and to a minimum, then just walk away. Don't look back, don't linger, don't hang around and wait. All that just makes it worse, trust me, I've been there. It's super hard on you, as a mom, to leave them crying for you, but it really does make it easier in the long run.

My kids were younger when they started school, but we went through the separation anxiety this year again with my son as we moved to a new state just a couple of weeks before school started. He is the most outgoing, friendly little boy, so I was really thrown by his tears and hung around with him till he had to go in the classroom (they all start out on the playground) and he literally had to be peeled from my arms. One of his teachers wrote a note on the sign in clipboard that said "Please remember to make dropoff a quick, timely process to ensure a smooth transition." I left him right away that day and within 2 days the crying was done.

Your little girl will be fine, just give it a little time.

Totally agree. I work at an elementary school and have seen this happen many times. Many times, as soon as mom leaves, the child gets over it immediatly. When mom lingers around, it takes longer for the child to adjust. I would just drop off and go. Say "I love you, honey, have a great day". This too shall pass.
Now, if you have a teenager who hates school, that is a different story, LOL.

 

[Christine]

As a mom who used daycare, we went through those issues VERY early (ages 1-2). It is separation anxiety and your daughter is not used to the change in her routine nor that moment when you two separate for the morning. It is a HUGE deal for kids. Back in the 60s, when I went to Kindergarten and most kids weren't in daycare there would be tons of kids having this issue in Kindergarten. Now that so many go to some preschool or daycare very early on, you see it happening once in awhile at the Kindergarten level. It is normal and you need to do what other posters have said. Drop her off with a quick hug and kiss and go.

 

[Magpie]

You know, I'm actually one of those moms who believes school IS a choice. Just like you should never stay in an abusive, toxic job or marriage, your children should never be forced to stay in a toxic school environment. But that's clearly not the case here!

So, I'm with the rest of the posters on this one. You know your daughter is in a safe place, you know her teacher is nice and you know that the other kids aren't giving her a hard time. So you need to just drop her off and walk away smiling, every morning.

Here's what I'd add to that advice:

1. Be cheerful. When she whines and cries in the morning, simply say, "Don't be silly darling, I know you're going to have a marvelous time." Keep smiling and don't react to her dramatics.

2. If during your pickup at the end of the day, the teacher tells you in front of her that she cried and carried on, or was "defiant", give her a disappointed look and say, "Oh, hon..." in that really sad Mommy-voice. You might also mention that you're going to have to, "Think about this," or even, "Discuss this with Daddy." Which you will, of course, as disrupting classroom procedures and monopolizing the teacher's time is a potentially punishment-worthy offense.

3. As you drive home with her, ask, "What was the BEST part of your day?" If she starts in on a "oh woe is me" routine, don't react, just correct her. "No, darling, I asked 'what was the best part of your day'." If she won't tell you, then change the subject to something non-school related.

4. In the morning, before you leave home, practice with her how she's going to walk into the school yard. Try to get her to identify possible friends, and discuss looking for them, and running up to play with them. Then run through with her the whole "goodbye, mommy" routine - a quick wave and hug. One of the problems here is that with all of her dramatics, she may be missing out on the opportunity to make friends with other girls, while they've been busy bonding with each other. Focus on making that her new job. She's got some catching up to do here.

5. At night, pick some "going to school" themed books and read them with her. A steady diet of "Franklin Goes to School" and "Arthur Goes to School" etc, will go a long way to getting her in the right frame of mind.

Good luck!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

It will be OK. Sounds like you have support at the school and they are handling it well.

 

[indimom]

I run a liecensed home day care and see this often. It is so common that our curriculum which runs Sept-May started out with a newsletter this month about seperation anxiety and starting school. I thought I'd include a short section.

Model your own enthusiasm for school and encourage him/her to be excited with you. Talk about the reasons why you chose your child's daycare or school program. Eplain how safe it makes you feel, and how much you know your child is going to enjoy it....Establish a routine when you reach the program. Help your child take care of personal items and then remember to say good-bye. Saying good-bye with a short routine and a "quick" good-bye is a great way to show your child that you trust that he/she will be safe. If you start to leave and then stay, or hand the child over and then decide to hold on longer, it can send a message of distrust and anxiety. Remind your child that you, or someone else whom you know, will be back to pick them up at the end of the day.

I can confirm that this type of routine is EXCELLENT. The parents who even subtely show their anxiety have the children who panic and get upset. Now, It does not sound like you are doing this, but I wanted to share just in case you aren't really considering how much time you may spend trying to ease her into the building or whatever.

Now, there are occasions where there is more going on... I had a niece who cried almost every day until 3rd grade. She is a 20-something with a child of her own today, and is no worse for wear.
Even in the worst situation, remind yourself that the school and guidance counselor know what they are doing. They will let you know if this is more than traditional seperation anxiety and you can decide where to go from there.

But at this point it is very early to panic. MANY kids have a hard time adjusting to school/preschool/day care. It's normal. Your daughter is just hitting this point a little later than many kids nowadays.

I hope this helps.

 

[shortbun]

Man, tears at your heart doesn't it? When DS was in Kindergarten, there were a few little ones who just shreiked, held onto whatever part of their parent they could grab and made themselves nearly sick with crying. The teacher made a pact with the parents that their child would be treated with loving care and respect and that they should go. I was an assistant in that class two days a week in the morning. As soon as the parent left and there was no one to observe the behavior, the screaming deteriorated to disheveled little sobs then just wet eyes and before 20 minutes had passed, the child had entered the group and was, in each case, actually participating fully. I remember one little girl quite well because her mother was so bereft she started sending her with her father who simply gave her a quick hug and nearly ran out of the building. That child is now an accomplished musician, a straight A student and REALLY not interested in parental attention in public, lol!!! I'm so sorry you are going through it. Keep doing what you're doing by getting her prepared to go and steel yourself so she doesn't see how shaken you are. Fall apart in the car if you must, and I would be, but plaster that happy Mommy smile on your face and call out a cheerful goodbye!!!

 

[mickeysgal]

We went through this with our DD when she started daycare. You'd think the world was coming to an end. Rattled me to my core. I would keep the drop-off brief and cheery. Sometimes, I'd wait where she couldn't see me and sure enough she settled down. It will be fine. Keep to the routine. Don't show that it's bothering you.

 

[MiniGirl]

Absolutely agree with the posters who are saying to keep the good-byes brief and upbeat. I remember one child and parent in my dd's K class. She would refuse to leave while her son was crying, etc. Would stay and peak in through the windows. Ugh. The other mom there would try to pull her out of the classroom with them. She also volunteered in the class a lot, so whenever that time was up, her son would start crying all over again. It was awful.

Finally, mom did get to where she would make the good-byes brief, but it was along the lines of, "I know sweetie. I wish you could stay with me, too, but you have to go to school. I know. I will miss you, too, but we can;t do anything about it."

My dd was also in this little boys 2nd grade class, and they were still having these problems. It was much better though. The boy really would settle down as soon as his mom would leave.

So, yeah, it's hard, but stay upbeat and positive. You can do this, mom.

 

[rodeo65]

Absolutely agree with the posters who are saying to keep the good-byes brief and upbeat. I remember one child and parent in my dd's K class. She would refuse to leave while her son was crying, etc. Would stay and peak in through the windows. Ugh. The other mom there would try to pull her out of the classroom with them. She also volunteered in the class a lot, so whenever that time was up, her son would start crying all over again. It was awful.

Finally, mom did get to where she would make the good-byes brief, but it was along the lines of, "I know sweetie. I wish you could stay with me, too, but you have to go to school. I know. I will miss you, too, but we can;t do anything about it."

My dd was also in this little boys 2nd grade class, and they were still having these problems. It was much better though. The boy really would settle down as soon as his mom would leave.

So, yeah, it's hard, but stay upbeat and positive. You can do this, mom.

Ugh, I remember a mom like this in DDs JK class. She even went so far as to stay and try to coach the teacher on the best methods to teach her little darling. All the parents hated her tactics and started avoiding her as well. She completely monopolized the teacher, would take her son over to an activity and try to find something that was up to his level (he was gifted but she couldn't allow the teacher to teach him, only she knew best.) There were many morning discussions (that all the other parents had to listen to) on "his curriculum" and what his day would be like.

OP - completely normal behaviour and by two weeks from now you'll be wondering how she can just skip off without a backward look to you. Keep doing what you're doing with the quick goodbyes and follow through and things will be fine.

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

Kids are smart. If your DD senses that you are hesitant to leave her, she will grab on to that and work it to the bitter end. And if she can get you to cave once, it is TOTALLY worth it to her to try again IN CASE she can get you to cave again.

The fact that she settles down eventually tells you that she will be FINE. If she spent the entire day screaming on the floor I might be more concerned.

 

[mjkacmom]

Not helpful, but my tip would've been to send her to preschool, especially if she is a strong willed child. I don't think children need to learn academics at preschool (easily taught at home), but need to learn how to behave in a school setting. I would meet with the teacher.

 

[RitaZ.]

Totally agree with this. Preschool teacher here, and this is what we tell our parents to do.

I hate to say this, but she is playing you. I see it all the time. If I scream and carry on, Mom will feel bad for leaving me here. Don't give into it. She will learn quickly that going to school is a requirement, not a choice, and she'll be fine.

Hugs to you! Stay strong!

I agree. When my oldest was in pre-K, there was a boy in his class that would have out of control tantrums whenever his mom dropped him off. It was so bad that one teacher had to stand in front of the door to block him and his mom had to push on it from the other side. When I volunteered in the classroom, his tantrums went on for about 10 or 15 minutes, then he recovered with the teacher's help and was totally fine the rest of the day.

Your DD isn't used to the school routine. This is new for her. You can cry in your car all you want, just don't show her any ambivalence. With time and consistency, this shall pass.